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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my DD play with her friends Dad?

109 replies

whatsleep · 14/10/2012 09:03

Took 8 year old DD to play at her new friends house, she is new to school so I went along as I don't know the family at all. Parents have split and children live with Dad. Stayed for around 3 hours during which time the dad told me all about his split with his wife, how the nanny is constantly coming onto him and he can hear her playing with sex toys in the evening, and how the school teacher was flirting with him at parents evening. Also that hes desperate for a girl friend but doesnt know where to meet one, He has apparently been living in the area for 4 years but knows know body as the house is pretty remote. A very very odd afternoon, not really the kind of conversation you want to be having with a single man you have just met! And just set in concrete that my DD won't be going round again (my DH would be livid if I told him the full extent of the conversation) I just told him that he doesn't know anyone locally despite living here for 4 years. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 12:44

but I don't think these kinds of "lonely" people really deserve any sympathy about their lonliness as they are lonely for very very good reasons!

Like ASD for example?

No-one can say someone is lonely for a 'very very good reason' unless they know them personally.

There could be many reasons for it.

Inneedofbrandy · 14/10/2012 12:48

I thought of epilator to! I also think staying on an 8yr olds play date is weird.

halloweeneyqueeney · 14/10/2012 12:52

Worra I wasn't talking about lonely people in general, I was talking about people like the one in the OP who are lonely AND make inappropriate sexual comments that make women in their company uncomfortable!

some people are nice and good and lonely, I've been lonely at times. But I think it is a bad trap to fall into to spend time with someone out of pity because they're "lonely" if that person makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up!

LauraShigihara · 14/10/2012 12:56

YY to eliplator - I thought of this too. If he has never asked the nanny what she is doing in there, she is hardly likely to have told him about her hair removal method.

GreeenFingers · 14/10/2012 13:01

Lonely he may be but I think he sounds like a very sordid creature. NEVER let your child be in his presence again. This guy knows no boundaries.
It is not normal to talk about nannies playing with sex toys or teachers coming on to him. Trust your gut instinct, he sounds dangerous to me.

AreAllMenTheSame2 · 14/10/2012 13:33

Im shocked at how many people have said that the man sounds lonely!!!! No, he is a predator. If he was socially awkward then this conversation would of happened in the playground when they first met. Not in the comfort of his own home. Op he was pushing boundaries to see how far he could push it. Men like this count on the woman being to polite, too nice to say anything. It starts with innapropiate language ie sex talk about the nanny.... Then invading your personal space, sat a bit too close maybe touching your arm or your leg. This man is a predator Op and I stronly advise you not to go round to his house again.

And i asume he works if he has a nanny - therfor he has soial interactions veryday with hi wok collegues depending hat his job is. And I bet he isnt talking to his boss about his nanny masterbating.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 14/10/2012 13:50

It's this hideous social expectation that women feel they have to be responsible for everyone else's hurt feelings that creates an environment where they don't feel they can complain about grossly inappropriate stuff happening right in front of them or to them.

This. Regardless of whether he's a sinister boundary-testing predator or just very socially inept, the OP does not^ have to cosset his feelings and indulge his strange rambling. She has a right to feel comfortable - both on her own account, and about where her daughter plays. Nothing wrong with ensuring that.

The recent unwanted sexual advances/assaults thread really drove this home to me.

LauraShigihara · 14/10/2012 14:30

Yes, but to be honest, if I had asked a new child around for a three hour play and then a parent rocked up and expected to stay for the duration I might end up desperately talking crap at them.

It depends on the situation. My DH recently had a work colleague around to complete some computer planning stuff and he unexpectedly brought his wife and small baby (why oh why??).

They disappeared off for a couple of hours and I was left to entertain her, and she turned out to be the worst person to spend an afternoon with. She had absolutely no conversation, everything was answered with yes or no, she was prickly and awkward, and I was desperate, desperate , to get rid of her. Even DS (eight at the time) said afterwards 'She was hard work, Mummy'. And she was.

Now, I'm not saying that the OP was anything like this, as I don't know her at all, but I bet I waffled on about utter crap that afternoon in desperate attempt to engage her on some level. And I bet she said to her husband 'That Laura, d'ya know what she said ? ' and repeated some lame rubbish that I had just thrown at her to get her talking.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 14:51

Laura. A awkward! I've done that too. Waffled crap at quiet people Blush

CecilyP · 14/10/2012 14:57

Oh, and I don't buy that the poor bloke just sounds lonely. Blokes who initiate this sort of conversation are deliberately overstepping normal social boundaries to put the woman in an awkward position and put her on the defensive. It doesn't happen by accident, it's a highly manipulative strategy.

I agree with Lurchio. I don't buy the socially inept either. I might have given him the benefit of the doubt until I read about the nanny and the vibrator,and know he had deliberately chosen to talk to you in a sexual manner. If OP needs an excuse not to go there again, she just needs to tell her DH about the conversation and it ain't going to happen.

CecilyP · 14/10/2012 15:00

^Also, if he's worried his nanny is a pervert who's coming on to him and he doesn't know many other people to speak to, perhaps he was relieved to speak to another parent about her?

She wouldn't be the first nanny to try it on with a single parent if for example she thinks he's got a few quid and a nice home.^

How on earth is the nanny a pervert even if she is coming on to him? She is a single adult woman and he is a single adult man. If he is not interested eg he wants any girlfriend as long as it is not the nanny, I am sure he can let her know.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 15:12

I think wanking loud enough for your employer to hear you is pretty perverse - yes.

As I said, she might have been shaving her legs.

But then again, she could be having a full on shuddering orgasm with her vibrator.

Only she knows that.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 15:13

It's very ingrained in some women to make excuses, and clutch at any desperate straw, to explain away the vile behaviour of the sexually-incontinent male

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 15:15

Indeed

It's also very ingrained in some women to automatically take the side of a woman...purely because she's a woman.

SoleSource · 14/10/2012 15:17

Got his number? :)

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 14/10/2012 15:18

The context being all, of course.

CecilyP · 14/10/2012 15:20

If I was OP, I would be interested on the nanny's take on the situation. She is probably looking for other jobs for a reason. If it was my DD, I would not really want her to go back, but wonder if it would be possible if just the nanny rather than the dad was there.

Original poster
whatsleep · 14/10/2012 18:06

Wow just back from work! Lots of different views on the situation. To clear a few things up, I didn't intend to stay so long, he kept talking and pouring coffee, I tried changing conversation to his job, etc ( he is self employed and works from home) but he kept dragging it back to what he wanted to discuss. I have showed my DH this tread and he is [shocked] we have both agreed we won't encourage the friendship, yes I feel sorry for the little girl but the safety of our child comes first on this occasion. My gut feeling is that he wasn't coming onto me but that he just didn't seem to know he was being quite disrespectful in saying such things to a stranger if the opposite sex. At one point when he filled my coffee up I said, no I better go I don't want to keep you, you must be busy, but he said no its fine.....

OP posts:
socharlotte · 14/10/2012 18:36

Where was the nanny? Why don't you send her when you know she will be present.

Original poster
whatsleep · 14/10/2012 19:20

The nanny left while I was there for an interview in London!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsleep · 15/10/2012 18:12

Just a mini update, saw one of the other mums at school, (her dd went for a play earlier in the week) and he made a beeline for her standing alone in the playground, she later cornered me in the cloakroom and said she's wished I'd stayed and talked to her. I laughed and commented that I found him a bit strange, she replied did he tell you about his nanny Shock so it would appear he is a major over sharer! I now think he has been reading fifty shades and maybe sees himself as a Christian grey Wink

OP posts:
MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 18:14

Right, so it wasn't a random one-off due to social pressure. Weirdo. Doesn't matter why. Avoid!

HecateLarpo · 15/10/2012 18:16

Hang on. He went over to her in the playground and told her about his nanny supposedly masturbating? Come on. It's really weird of him to want to accost women and tell them that. That isn't 'oversharing', that's him getting a cheap thrill. That's now you over a cup of coffee and her in the bloody playground.

He is not a lonely man. He's a dirty one.

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 18:18

Oh, but he might just be confuuuuused, Hecate. Hmm

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2012 18:30

You shouldn't have stayed for 3 hours. 3 hours. He was probably saying any bollocks that came into his head to get you to scram!