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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my DD play with her friends Dad?

109 replies

whatsleep · 14/10/2012 09:03

Took 8 year old DD to play at her new friends house, she is new to school so I went along as I don't know the family at all. Parents have split and children live with Dad. Stayed for around 3 hours during which time the dad told me all about his split with his wife, how the nanny is constantly coming onto him and he can hear her playing with sex toys in the evening, and how the school teacher was flirting with him at parents evening. Also that hes desperate for a girl friend but doesnt know where to meet one, He has apparently been living in the area for 4 years but knows know body as the house is pretty remote. A very very odd afternoon, not really the kind of conversation you want to be having with a single man you have just met! And just set in concrete that my DD won't be going round again (my DH would be livid if I told him the full extent of the conversation) I just told him that he doesn't know anyone locally despite living here for 4 years. AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 14/10/2012 11:43

No I would narked that is why I suggested to op she have his dd round WITHOUT him. Yes he is probably socially inept, and does not have a clue aboutwhats right and what's not. Does not mean he is a raging paedophiles rapist . Nor des op have to out up with it either. If your dd is havinga play date at his house, send in dh to supervise, make sure it's nt tat often

Narked · 14/10/2012 11:44

Maybe the 'brief chat' is why the OP stayed!

usualsuspect3 · 14/10/2012 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 11:48

He's an over sharer that's for sure.

I once took my DS to his nursery friend's house and the Mother sat and told me all about her vaginal discharge and leaking nipples during pregnancy >

But he doesn't sound like any kind of threat and to be honest, you shouldn't have let the conversation get that far if you were uncomfortable with it...he obviously thought you were ok with the over sharing.

For the record, the poor nanny was probably shaving her legs....

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 11:48

Bollocks to socially inept. The guy is downright weird and inappropriate. Not cool and no way my children would be left in his care.

Narked · 14/10/2012 11:48

'Raging paedophile rapist'

How about, 'man with no sense of what is appropriate.' Would you trust his judgement? Not worry that he might make inappropriate comments in your DD's hearing?

lovebunny · 14/10/2012 11:49

keep your daughter out of his way, and you keep out of his way, too. he has no boundaries.

GhostShip · 14/10/2012 11:49

yabvu. He opened up to you, as a fellow adult and parent. And you want to treat him with such disrespect?

Narked · 14/10/2012 11:52

'He opened up to you, as a fellow adult and parent'

Yes, one of those everyday discussions parents have with fellow parents. About the mastubatory habits of their childcare providers.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 11:54

I take it this was a two way conversation and that the guy didn't just blurt all this out on the doorstep as soon as the OP knocked on the door?

If you put it in context over the course of 3 hours, bearing in mind they would have also chatted about other things, it's not as bad as reading the list in the OP.

Also, if he's worried his nanny is a pervert who's coming on to him and he doesn't know many other people to speak to, perhaps he was relieved to speak to another parent about her?

She wouldn't be the first nanny to try it on with a single parent if for example she thinks he's got a few quid and a nice home.

Just a thought.

Narked · 14/10/2012 11:57

Yes... and 'the school teacher ... flirting with him at parents evening' must be after him too.

GhostShip · 14/10/2012 11:58

What Worra said.

Sometimes when you're lonely and worried, you blurt stuff out to whoever'll listen! He might have wanted a woman's view of it all. And 3 hours is a long time to be talking.

LeeCoakley · 14/10/2012 12:04

Another scenario. He can't believe that op won't leave! So assumes that she fancies him. He tries his damn hardest to talk about inappropriate things but she won't go! He even says he doesn't fancy older women. She won't take the hint. He's probably dreading when it's his turn again!

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 12:05

Lee

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 14/10/2012 12:11

Christ, no wonder the nanny's going for interviews. If this is how he talks about her to strangers I wonder what kind of things he says to her!

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 12:17

But if the Nanny is coming on to him and masturbating loudly in her bedroom, is he not allowed to be annoyed about that?

I know I certainly would be.

Imagine if you had a male Nanny or a Butler who came onto you and then had a loud wank in his room?

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 12:18

But the nanny isn't coming onto him. She has scarpered since the thread began.

Softlysoftly · 14/10/2012 12:18

I'm actually really shocked people are writing this off as lonely lonely is trying to find common ground, talk about local things to do, making friends, what common ground is he likely to find by talking about his nannys dildo play?

It's inappropriate and no my dd wouldn't be going round in experience men with no boundaries about sex don't limit that with children either. I'm not talking about abuse but in appropriate conversation.

Suggest neutral play areas and your house, blame your DH and say how wildly unreasonable he is but he simply will not allow his daughter to play over alone, sorry. After all he doesn't want a male nanny so should understand.

Generally creepy though op.

LynetteScavo · 14/10/2012 12:20

For some reason I thought this was a party. .

I have spent several hours with mums who've come round for play dates and reveled the most amazing things to me. It's almost like what's said over coffee stays over coffee. 3 hours is a long time to make small talk with someone you've never met.

And yes, I think he might have thought you fancied him, OP, sorry!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 12:21

I met a guy once who after approximately 2.5 minutes told me all about his sexual dysfunction.

Its hard to tell if he is a letch or just the social inadequate type who says stupid things and is now kicking himself.

You know better then us op because you were there and would have seen his expressions and body language and also knew how these things came into the conversation. What did that tell you?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 12:22

I would have stayed as well op. The ones i think are weird are the people who would leave their child with a stranger they only met a couple of days before, not you.

LauraShigihara · 14/10/2012 12:31

Well, he sounds like a big over-sharer but I can't imagine why that would stop the girls being friends.

I have to say though that it was a bit weird that you stayed and if he finds it hard to make small talk, having a strange adult wandering around the house must have been a bit uncomfortable for him.

In our school, there are children always starting and leaving, so we often ask the new kid in the class back for tea and a play without knowing the parent properly, just to be friendly. I've never had the parent stay though.

SirBoobAlot · 14/10/2012 12:36

He sounds lonely, and maybe a little socially inept.

Doesn't make him a bad guy, and certainly isn't a reason for the girls not to be friends; I'm sure he won't sit down with your DD and have the same discussion.

If it makes you uncomfortable, next time just say so.

Lovecat · 14/10/2012 12:36

"disrespect", Ghostship? What the Jeff? Show me where a man who talks freely about his nanny's sex life (and yes, it probably was the poor woman's ladyshave he heard) to a relative stranger deserves any respect whatsoever?

OP, trust your instincts, they're there for a reason. Doesn't matter how lonely the guy is, this was a totally inappropriate conversation and would have utterly weirded me out too. No way would I just leave my DD in the house of someone I'd met the once either and I would not be taking her back there.

I'm mildly flabbergasted by the number of people on this thread who think these are ok topics of conversation and that the bloke must just be shy or lonely or socially inept. The OP does not have to put up with it if it makes her uncomfortable and it is not 'nasty' or 'rude' to do otherwise. It's this hideous social expectation that women feel they have to be responsible for everyone else's hurt feelings that creates an environment where they don't feel they can complain about grossly inappropriate stuff happening right in front of them or to them.

halloweeneyqueeney · 14/10/2012 12:40

I don't think he sounds any sort of danger to children

but I don't think these kinds of "lonely" people really deserve any sympathy about their lonliness as they are lonely for very very good reasons!

p.s. maybe the nanny has a noisy epilator, I'ld worry about the nanny not the children!

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