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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my DS's friend from coming to our house to play a game his own mother has banned him from having?

30 replies

CrikeyOHare · 13/10/2012 16:31

My DS is 16 - and, along with 90% of his male classmates, will be getting Black Ops when it comes out in November. You can flame me for this if you like, but for various reasons I have decided to allow my DS to have it, and I'm comfortable with that decision.

But - one of his friends, Roger (obviously not his real name) has been told by his mother that he can't have it. Given that the game is rated 18, & Roger is 15, I think that's perfectly fair enough - and it's not my business anyway.

But DS has piped up this morning that he's promised Roger he can come round ours & play it Shock.

I said "Well, un-promise him that then" etc. etc.

And thinking about it further, I've decided to have a blanket rule that none of his friends can play any game in our house if it's rated older than they are without the permission of their parents.

DS is furious at me, and apparently I'm going to "humiliate" him in front of all his mates. But I know that I would be mightily pissed off if I'd banned my own DS from a game &/or DVD etc, but someone else lets them play or watch it.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
cantspel · 13/10/2012 16:35

No i would do it the other way round and tell his parent that you have it and allow your son and his friends to play it and if she has a problem then she will have to stop him from coming to yours.

WofflingOn · 13/10/2012 16:36

No, YAB a responsible parent who isn't letting your parenting choices slash with others. Interested to know how you will supervise it though, game in a locked drawer?

SugariceAndScary · 13/10/2012 16:36

I always check with the ds's friends Parents to see if they have any objections to those games as we buy those games too.

I've never had a Parent say no cos they're all on them at their own house anyway.

YANBU, you don't need a stroppy Mum on your back, the friend has to sort it with his Mum first.

WofflingOn · 13/10/2012 16:36

slash? Clash.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 13/10/2012 16:37

YANBU and I would love you if I was the other mum. Your DS and Roger will get over it extremely quickly.

The reverse would be "AIBU to let DS's friend sneak round to play Black Ops when his parents have banned it?" Hmm

mumblechum1 · 13/10/2012 16:37

I agree with Woffling. If his mum is going to be strict about it she can take the flak.

Original poster
CrikeyOHare · 13/10/2012 16:41

Interested to know how you will supervise it though, game in a locked drawer

Yes, exactly. It's pretty hard to know how to police it. At their ages, they just wander in whether I'm there or not & hole themselves up in DS's bedroom. I really like the fact that his friends come round (he spent quite a few years not really having any :() so don't want to get in the way too much.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 13/10/2012 16:43

I think his mother is being totally reasonable in deciding she does not want her DCs exposed to 18 material when they are still some years younger. I'd uphold the ban (presumably there are other things they could do?) but say that he can play if his family give permission.

You might be glad of such an approach if you find you want to minimise the chances of your DS being in situations where other age-restricted or illegal items are tolerated by friends parents (porn, torture movies, alcohol, drugs etc).

I do this already, in a small way, with films classified above age of child (eg 13 year olds wanting to watch 15s).

Ithinkitsjustme · 13/10/2012 16:46

Easy way to police it - if the friend is there then you have the game. I wish more parents would take your attitude. I have always struggles with the whole "well I play it at their house" thing, you are right to respect her stance and it's not as if it's a 16 rating that she is objecting to (when her DS is 15) is it? I appreciatte that you have made your own choice as to whether this game is suitable for your own DS, have done the same with certain games, but other 18 ratings I wouldn't be happy with.

mumblechum1 · 13/10/2012 16:46

Sorry, I meant I agree with Can'tSpell, ie tell the mum that your ds has the game and if she wants to lay down the law with her own son, that's up to her.

RuleBritannia · 13/10/2012 16:50

I don't know how much this sort of thing costs but could it be that the friend's mother has said he can't have it because it's too expensive.

Knowing that he is banned from having it, doubts could certainly rise in your mind. Have a word with the parent.

Jenny70 · 13/10/2012 16:53

I agree Roger shouldn't play it at yours, unless mum ok's it (her objection might be younger siblings in house etc).

If rogers mum let him watch porn/online gambling you wouldn't expect your ds to have access at his place.

Original poster
CrikeyOHare · 13/10/2012 16:55

Yes. I think calling Roger's mum & telling her we have the game & it gets played when people visit is the best option. Then it's entirely up to her whether to allow him to come round or not. It would be almost impossible for me to hover outside the bedroom door checking they aren't playing it (or locking it away, so that no one can play it).

Thank you. Glad you don't think I'm being completely OTT.

OP posts:
usualsuspect3 · 13/10/2012 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum1 · 13/10/2012 16:57

No, you're not, OP. I never really equated games to porn/online gambling etc, Black Ops is just a shoot em up game, it's not going to mess their heads up imo, if they're 15/16. It's not as though they're 10 year olds.

Original poster
CrikeyOHare · 13/10/2012 16:58

Yes - that's a really good point. It's not impossible that Roger's mum won't let him have it because of the cost or possibly because of other little ones at home. She might be delighted to let Roger play it at ours. Hadn't though of that.

Will call her, I think. And DS will just have to be embarrassed, won't he! Grin

OP posts:
MikeOxardForHalloween · 13/10/2012 18:52

Yanbu, you are being a very responsible parent. I would call Roger's mum too, good idea. :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2012 18:55

She may also just have resigned herself to the fact he will play it at others' houses but at least that is limited and she doesn't have to deal with him begging at home.

5ThingsUnderTheBed · 13/10/2012 18:58

I think you're being very reasonable and respecting the other parents wishes.

I wish ds1s friends' parents would practice such parenting. He is only 9 though so I choose for him not to pay COD, it's up to other parents to choose if their 9 year olds can play it or not, not for them to allow my Ds1 to play it regardless of what I choose.

5ThingsUnderTheBed · 13/10/2012 18:59

Hmm, last sentence might not make sense, I've had a few glasses of wine.

McHappyPants2012 · 13/10/2012 19:08

You sound very responsible, and it is refreshing to see you respecting another parents wishes.

youarewinning · 13/10/2012 19:13

You sound lovely and very grounded and confident in your own decisions whilst respecting others.

I hope my DS (8) makes friends with people who have mums like you.

I like the idea of telling Rogers parents. That way if he plays it at yours when his mum has said no she can't blame you and if she says he doesn't want him having access at yours you can tell her he'll have to not visit then.

Hope you have a good outcome from this.

Original poster
CrikeyOHare · 13/10/2012 21:14

Thanks for the nice words, everyone :)

So, striking while the iron is hot, I called Roger's mum tonight (happened to have her number from a party thing last year) & explained what my DS had said about the game.

Turns out she doesn't have a problem with her son playing it, as such, she just wasn't willing to fork out £40 for it - given that that represents her weekly food budget. She'd told Roger he'd have to hope someone gave it to him for Christmas!

I don't blame her one iota. My DS is paying for the game himself out of his birthday money from last month - and I'd struggle to find £40 myself at the moment.

Anyway - she's quite happy for him to play it at ours, if I'm alright with it, and she's looking forward to a bit of peace & quiet Grin.

Thanks all.

(DS, of course, is not best pleased and is not speaking to me at the moment - so I am enjoying a bit of peace and quiet too!)

OP posts:
headinhands · 13/10/2012 21:27

For the mum to ban her ds from playing it she obviously knows lots of 15 years olds play it. She is the parent and not you and as everyone else says 'your house, your rules.' People need to parent their own kids. My dd once had one of her friends mums ring her and ask her to make sure her dd didn't go in any cars when they were out with their friends, they were 15/16. My daughter agreed thinking she had to When dd told me I said she had to ring the mum back and say she couldn't be responsible for that.

flow4 · 13/10/2012 21:28

Well played, Crikey :)
Personally, I don't try to police my 17yo and his friends, simply because it's not practical (e.g. they're often playing games/watching vids while I'm out and asleep)... But with DS2 and his friends, I have the rule that they can only play and watch age-appropriate films/games unless their parents agree, and I've made loads of calls to parents in my time :)