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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get married but not have a wedding

47 replies

lola88 · 12/10/2012 20:25

what i mean is i want to go get married just DP our son and I.

DP says unless we have a wedding he doesn't want to get married because his mum would be upset and it's not fair on our familys, i think we should take DS on holiday and come back married then we could have a party if we must.

My reason is no one likes each other and will be a nightmare. My mum and dad hate each other, my gran can't stand my dad, i can't stand my dad, my mum doesn't like DP's mum, DP's mum and dad are not on good terms, DP's dads girlfriend HATES dp's mum, DP's nan is not keen on his mum (is older and prone to cheeky outbursts) oh and DP's dad takes the piss out of DP's mums boyfriend because he's a nurse constantly. There are also a million relatives who would be offended if not invited DP has 8 aunts and uncles not counting their partners. And they will all want to have a drink get pissed to celebrate then it will turn into a war zone.

Also DP's 2 little step sisters would want to be involed in the bridal party and if my sister and niece are which is just to big for my liking.

TBH it sounds like fucking hell on earth to me! I don't want to get married to have a fancy wedding i just want to marry DP the thought of everyone gawping at me makes me feel sick!

AIBU to stand my ground for the wedding i want not want everyone else wants? (DP says he's be happy to do it just usbut it's not fair on everyone else)

OP posts:

wishiwasonholiday · 12/10/2012 20:27

It's your wedding not theirs, i have the exact same argument with dp.

I want to get married abroad with just us and our 2 ds'. Our families are a nightmare too.

Maisydaisy34 · 12/10/2012 20:28

I'd say go away,get married, come back an have a party
You're still involving everyone but if they all decide to erupt into violence then it won't ruin your day
I was the same when me and dh married, 'twas a bloody nightmare even thinking about having them all in the same room

Annunziata · 12/10/2012 20:29

It's your DP's wedding too so he should get a say!

jamdonut · 12/10/2012 20:31

I think your idea of coming back from holiday married sounds great. Then you can have a party,and it won't matter if you leave early, if it all gets too much with the families,because it won't actually be your 'wedding'.You can leave them to it!

lurkedtoolong · 12/10/2012 20:32

DH and I got married abroad precisely because we didn't want to pay out a lot of money to have 150 people who hated each other and who we didn't particularly like in a room together. It was a beautiful wedding and I loved every minute of it. 9 years on my mum still bitches about it from time to time but I just let it go over my head.

One concession I did make is that I visited elderly relatives and showed off my wedding dress which they liked.

Your wedding day isn't about being fair to other people, it's about doing what's right for you.

Purple2012 · 12/10/2012 20:32

I was the same. Never wanted to have a wedding and be centre of attention. So we went abroad - just the 2 of us. Luckily our families were great about it.

jamdonut · 12/10/2012 20:34

But , I think your DP needs to have a say in the matter. You might have to reach a compromise i.e. only the very,very neares relatives,definitely no Aunties and Uncles etc etc. That would be similar to my wedding.

JockTamsonsBairns · 12/10/2012 20:35

Good God, you're right - that sounds like a nightmare! I have similar factions in my family (although nowhere near as bad as yours by the sounds of it) and, after years of deliberating about what to do, we just went ahead with a very informal affair - basically a knees up in our beautifully decorated village hall, hog roast, that sort of thing. As it turned out, it was fine - passed without any incident. But, I couldn't look forward to my own wedding for fear of what might happen.

No helpful advice for you really, sorry, just wanted to let you know I know what you're worried about

imperialstateknickers · 12/10/2012 20:35

Agree with everyone else! My parents did this back in 1967, and although both my grannies were annoyed at the time, they seem to have found some common ground on the subject and actually became better friends afterwards, if only because they could moan together about the ingratitude of their children etc etc.

PinkMilkIsMyFavouriteAndMyBest · 12/10/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArseBandit · 13/10/2012 07:02

We just eloped the other week-in our front room. 3 best friends as witnesses and our 3 kids. We didn't want to spend the money to have a bunch of my family there who weren't happy for us and who haven't been terribly nice. We're going to use the money to take our kids to the UK next year and have a party with DH's family instead. YANBU :)

catgirl1976 · 13/10/2012 07:05

I got married in Vegas with DM, DF, DB DSis and 2 friends

It was stress free and ALL about us rather than stressing about seaing plans

I highly reccomend it :)

nkf · 13/10/2012 07:09

If you think about the number of moaning threads on here from wedding guests, you might think it's doing people a favour not to invite people. Perhaps you could use that argument to DH. Does he want people there because it feels right to him? Or because he can't face the moaning? Why don't you just get married but not tell them.?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 13/10/2012 07:15

Of course your dp should have a say, but why would he want to get everyone involved when they obviously don't like each other Surely he can see that that is a bad idea?

Does he feel having the family involved is what he should do, rather than what he wants to do?

weegiemum · 13/10/2012 07:16

We own a holiday cottage and about 10-ish years ago now a couple turned up on Saturday as normal and asked us "are you busy on Tuesday?". We were witnesses at their wedding. They took me, dh and baby dd1 out for lunch after, then dh went back to work and they took us home.

They spent the afternoon wandering on the beach (NW Scotland!) and I put roses, champagne etc into the cottage.

They came back 2 years later with their baby dd and we're still in touch!

Do it how you want it!

Nagoo · 13/10/2012 07:20

How would you feel about inviting his mum to the wedding?

And if you agree to do this, ON NO ACCOUNT give her any notice. Say you are taking her out for lunch.

BoringSchoolChoiceNickname · 13/10/2012 07:28

It's his wedding too. I'd refuse to get married without my mum and dad so I sympathise with your DP. I'd say invite his mum and your mum - I know you say they "don't like each other" but if they love you then they can be polite for a day - it might even help them bond.

greenbananas · 13/10/2012 07:44

I felt the same 7 years ago - I wanted to be married to DH but hated the thought of a wedding. He said the same - that his parents would never forgive me if we didn't make some sort of occasion of it. They are lovely people, but they hardly knew me at the time and I realise now that he was right and it would have got us off to a bad start.

We did the same as PinkMilk and had a quiet registry office ceremony followed by lovely lunch in a local pub with close family. We also had a 'party' in the evening in a hired hall, which I absolutely hated and I still go hot and cold when I think of it (but I have learned over the years never to mention what an ordeal it was for me because DH thought it was great).

You will have to compromise with your DP a bit. It is his wedding too. Even if there are parts of the day that you find really difficult, the important thing is that you will be married at the end of it

greenbananas · 13/10/2012 07:49

Oh and if you do decide to have all the warring factions of your horribly complicated sounding family at the wedding in some way, and they do decide to have some sort of fight, that is their problem not yours - you will still be married at the end of it...

DinosaurSchool · 13/10/2012 07:53

Ah that is tricky. I think minuscule register office followed by a party sounds good. You could focus on your friends instead of family. Also you could pretend its a birthday party and that avoids all the build up.

The great thing is when it's your wedding you can leave anytime. If its all kicking off just get your husband and go!

sashh · 13/10/2012 07:55

Well you have a couple of options.

Get married on holiday.

Get married with just two witnesses - MN can provide them if you need ones that are not friends.

Invite the family, put a buffet on at a local pub and 'missle' - that is you say hi to people and then you leave, they get to stay drinking and arguing if they want - you, dh and dc go off on holiday or away for the weekend. Or even just go home.

You won't be missed for an hour or so. By the time anyone realises you've gone it will be too late.

Alligatorpie · 13/10/2012 07:59

Tell them you are getting married abroad and invite them ( this would only work if you know they couldn't afford to go)

strandednomore · 13/10/2012 08:01

Yup, another here who got married abroad - although we did live overseas at the time so it wasn't that difficult! - with just a couple of friends as witnesses and no family. I don't have anything against our family, it just wasn't a big deal for us. I wanted to BE married, I just didn't want the big wedding. I am always astounded by how much time and money people put into their wedding day - I think I must have gene missing or something!
Your last sentence is the most important one to me - "DP says he's happy to do it just us but it's not fair on everyone else". You're happy, he's happy. It's your marriage - no-one else's. Do it to please yourselves, not anyone else.
Good luck with that!!

JollyJackOLantern · 13/10/2012 08:01

We had a very quiet wedding, just us, our son and 2 witnesses. If you do it in this country you will require witnesses, but these could just be people off the street. We didn't tell anyone else until afterwards :)

It was lovely.

Zara1984 · 13/10/2012 08:04

YANBU at all

I like your idea of going on holiday with your DS and getting married abroad!! What a lovely thing to experience together as a wee family :) Or, if that's really going to cause trouble, organise a naice little party at your house/a restaurant, invite a few people - then get married at registry office the same day/beforehand and announce it there!! Then technically your wee party is the wedding reception.

Even though DH and I looooooooved our wedding, it was a great day (even though my emotionally abusive parents made life a bit hellish beforehand - but they didn't turn up in the end, hurrah), in hindsight we totally would have just saved our cash and had a registry office wedding - but still do the 2 week tropical honeymoon .

Getting married and a wedding are 2 different things.

Also: wisest words anyone ever told me about weddings. People's behaviour around weddings is amplified. So if someone is nice and helpful, they will be even more so when you're planning a wedding. If they're a right PITA, well.... you get my drift. Your family sounds like they would not fall into the first category. Don't waste money on a party because of some barmy people's expectations.

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