to want to get married but not have a wedding

[lola88]

what i mean is i want to go get married just DP our son and I.

DP says unless we have a wedding he doesn't want to get married because his mum would be upset and it's not fair on our familys, i think we should take DS on holiday and come back married then we could have a party if we must.

My reason is no one likes each other and will be a nightmare. My mum and dad hate each other, my gran can't stand my dad, i can't stand my dad, my mum doesn't like DP's mum, DP's mum and dad are not on good terms, DP's dads girlfriend HATES dp's mum, DP's nan is not keen on his mum (is older and prone to cheeky outbursts) oh and DP's dad takes the piss out of DP's mums boyfriend because he's a nurse constantly. There are also a million relatives who would be offended if not invited DP has 8 aunts and uncles not counting their partners. And they will all want to have a drink get pissed to celebrate then it will turn into a war zone.

Also DP's 2 little step sisters would want to be involed in the bridal party and if my sister and niece are which is just to big for my liking.

TBH it sounds like fucking hell on earth to me! I don't want to get married to have a fancy wedding i just want to marry DP the thought of everyone gawping at me makes me feel sick!

AIBU to stand my ground for the wedding i want not want everyone else wants? (DP says he's be happy to do it just usbut it's not fair on everyone else)

I am still a bit sad that i was bullied into a 'propper wedding' when DH and I got married 3 years ago. I wanted it to be just me, DH and a couple of very close friends down the registry office having taken the afternoon off work, what i got was months of stress and 'if they come we won't type' messages.

In the end we made a list of everyone we were expected to invite, crossed off anyone who had been arsey about MY guest list, then any family / friends who we had not seen in more than 18 months (I'd be damned if I was paying for dinner for a bunch of people who I did not like / were very rude to me / I didn't have a relationship with) and we were left with a core of 50 guests.

MIL still says we didn't have a proper wedding because her friends / great aunt maud / the person who lives at number 45 were not invited but she shuts up when I point out that neither was DH's dad because she insisted and that was the payoff. We still have people who don't speak to us not that they did before although bizarly we do have a great relationship with one of my cousins now, he respects our decision and thinks we did the right thing!

Sorry for the rant, it's almost our wedding anniversary so get quite annoyed still at this time of year!!

Basically, YANBU. The marriage is far more important than spending money on a party for a bunch of people who will ruin your memories of the day.

Perhaps tell both mothers that they can come to the ceremony and for lunch after but if they misbehave they will be asked to leave and you will find it hard to forgive?

I would go for SASHH's option - have a registry office wedding. The ceremony is quick and painless. Invite family only. Put on a light buffet in a country pub/social club etc... with a pay bar - you pay for food, cake and one round of bubbly for a toast. Keep it short and sweet, thank everyone for veing their for you, and then disappear on honeymoon with your son. Keep it informal/ don't ask for presents, so people don't feel resentful about the small wedding.

I have the same problem. Would like to get married but not have a wedding. My idea of hell. OH would want an excuse for a big party and a stag do though. The thought of my mother at my wedding criticising everything and being drunk makes me feel .

An old school friend of mine went on holiday to Vegas and came back married which I thought was fab.

YANBU at all, sounds perfect to me and the only ral option in your situation.

We had a wedding with 30 guests in the end (my mother also wanted to invite all her friends and great aunt Maud "you remember her, I took you to see her when you were 8 months old..." :o and in fact did invite numerous people I either hadn't actually me (but she swore I had because she talked about them to me all the time...) or distant relatives I had no relationship with etc. verbally as soon as we told her we were going to get married - she had to un-invite them, which she was not happy about, and she tried to suggest we should have the huge wedding because it would be embarrassing to her to have to take back the verbal invites she'd been showering around without any consultation with us), but even without any family conflict I would have preferred to do it your way, and in your situation it sounds like the only realistic alternative. Could you present the relationships to your DP as a spider diagram and see whether he then agrees it is impossible to have all those people together in the same room :o ?

Could you just invite his mum and your mum to be witnesses, if it is his mum he is worried about, or would that be equally disastrous?

We did this.

We got married but didn't have a wedding.

There was just me, DH, our children and DH's aunt and uncle who acted as witnesses and are lovely people. We got married whilst on a camping holiday in this country.

We all went out for a meal at lunchtime in a nice restaurant. It was perfect.

DH and I were in agreement. We knew that his mum would be a bit disappointed, but he took the view that it was our 'wedding' and not theirs so we told them all in advance that that is what we were doing.

His mum was really good about it and told us to have a lovely time.

We didn't think my mother would be bothered, but in fact she kicked up a bit of a stink, referred to it as our "so called marriage" and refused to acknowledge my husband as her son in law. But that's just because we'd ruined her opportunity to try and control the whole thing!

We have a similar family set-up

I'd say you really need to talk this through with DH to be, if you're talking marriage there are upteen family occasions and clashes - it makes it much easier to know where each other stand and if possible reach a compromise with each other.

Nothing to do with what extended family want at this point - all about your partnership.

Dh and I did this. It was wonderful. Just the two of us, our witnesses were supplied by the registry office. They were a lovely couple who turned up to drop in their documents for their own upcoming nuptials, and agreed to witness our marriage. Amazingly, he was a professional photographer, so we have lots of gorgeous snaps of the cermony!
I am antipodean, so eloping was the only way we could treat both families 'fairly'. I was not happy at the idea of having a wedding with all DHs family and only token members of my own (for example, I have a 92 year old grandmother, who could not have made the journey.) Neither would I have expected to marry in my country, and have DHs family miss out.
We did actually ask both our DMs if they would mind. My mother was thrilled at the idea (love her!). DHs DM said she was absolutely fine with it. She was not fine with it, and has been a real PITA about it subsequently. However, she is the ONLY member of either family who has not been generous, supportive and thrilled for us, so we can live with it!
Go for it!

Two words.

Las Vegas.

Worked for us.:o

Lola just do it. I'm half tempted to do it myself. (More than half if the truth be known!), and I agree with someone who said you don't need to tell them.

I quite fancied a 'wedding' but DH refused to get married if his Mum was there. My family weren't bothered what we did so we had a beach wedding in the end and a couple of parties when we got back.

It's quire refreshing that so many people agree on this :)

We got married abroad because I couldn't stand the idea of a huge 'wedding' - the idea of it filled me with dread!

I wanted to get married in the registary office and a meal after for a few people but we went abroad as a compromise - we ended up with about 30 people, a nice chilled holiday and didn't have a party when we got home :)

I did this - DH and I just went off and got married. However it was for slightly different reasons.

Tbh, it did upset a lot of people, even though our reasons for getting married immediately were very important. Some people won't be able to get past the fact they werent important enough to be included.

We tried (don't know if we succeeded) to please everyone by having a blessing a few months later. I know both mums were very happy we did that. But if you don't want a wedding this wouldn't be an option to placate them either!

Do it if you really want, and maybe hold a party afterwards, but be prepared for people to be upset.

YANBU. I had a relatively small wedding (cost under £500, only about 30 people, registery office job). I still wish we'd just run away to somewhere nice and done it without anyone else. Don't think about what everyone else wants- this is your day

well, its not me getting married so what does my opinion count, but i'll give it anyway...

it sounds like a brilliant idea! get married quietly, come back and have a big party or a series of smaller celebrations with different parts of the family. you could do a range of things, meals out, smallish parties, even cinema, theatre - things that are special to you and to them. celebrating your wedding could go on for months - and why not?

i hope your o h isn't saying he wants a big wedding just to wriggle out of the marriage part. it might be, though, that he'd like a big wedding for himself, just as some women want a big wedding. my cousin wore a white suit at his wedding, and made as much fuss as the bride (who is a very sensible, mature kind of person - not sure why she married him but eventually she did the the right thing and left the bastard).

echt you stole my post!

We also got married abroad with our best friends as witnesses & it was the right decision for us. His parents hate each other and so do mine & they ruined my DB's wedding by glaring at each other & making sly digs at each other all day. So I'm with you on this 1 just the 3 of you go off & get hitched & when you come back everyone will just have to accept that you did it the way you wanted!

YANBU but your DH isn't either. I would refuse to get married without my parents there so I can see where he is coming from. A big ceremony sounds like hell though! Compromise might be needed here.

Thank you for the replys and sorry about that OwedToAutumn but i hope you got some support from my thread.

I've already told my mum and gran if i do get married it will be just us mums a bit half and half with it and my gran is fine. I personally don't think DP's mum would mind she's a very mature understanding person and though she would be a bit gutted in secret she would be fine, his dad would go ape shit but since the bastard wouldn't come visit DS is in hospital with out his girlfriend (breaking DP's wee heart) and has come to see DS 3 times in 8 months when he lives a 10 min drive away i don't give a shit.

I'm hoping DP will come around to the idea he did about xmas - him wanting to visit everyone me saying no lets stay in they can come to us, last year being you spent 1hr 45 mins with your mum and only 1hr 3 mins with us - if not we will stay happily living in sin to our last days.

The thought of having to organise a wedding and then be the centre of attention for an entire day scared me to death, plus we didn't have any money anyway .
We had a ceremony at the registry office, immediate family only. If you are strict it is easier to avoid hurt feelings, if you give in and let just one 'extra' person in then everyone else will be up in arms but a blanket ban is so scrupulously fair no-one can argue! After that we had a lunchtime/afternoon buffet thing for any friends/family who wanted to come, all very informal as it was our own pub. Photos in the garden, cut the cake and off we went for our honeymoon weekend away leaving the rest of them to it.
Was all very nice and stress-free and I was able to enjoy it, not be a nervous wreck.
OP if you did something similar I think you'd get away without hurt feelings. Be honest about wanting a quiet ceremony because you'd be too nervous otherwise and stress that everyone is welcome afterwards so no-one has grounds for claiming discrimination/causing an argument. Make a big thing about getting everyone in a photo so that you can remember 'sharing your day with them all' and then buzz off quick!
Someone mentioned getting married elsewhere then coming back and having a party later. I think this might actually be more stressful because you'd have to stay to the bitter end of the party or seem rude. If you have it on the same day you get married it is very easy to get away early before it all kicks off as you can claim a train/plane to catch!

I put my foot down and insisted on a small wedding or going abroad. We were set the have a full on family affair until OH told his mum we were engaged and she said "ooooh, I've got a weddying to plan" OH saw the look on my face and when we left asked just how small could we get away with. I told him -you, me, a registrar and two witnesses.

We limited it to immediate family and 1 aunt & uncle on my side, to even up the numbers. MIL was not pleased but I couldn't give a flying fuck am well adapted to dealing with other people's disappointment (it's not my problem).

So, how important is being married to you? Could you continue as you are? If not then sit the DP down and explain that the mere thought of having all these people in 1 room, and drinking, is causing you stress and ask him if it's worth you dreading the day you get married, wouldn't it be much better to enjoy the day and look back on happy memories. You could use money as a tool here too. You can only afford to cater for a small number, couldn't possibly allow anyone esle to pay (this would buy them control in their eyes) and so it'll be just immediate family/biological parents/the two of us with DC.

Weddings are expensive and stressful even for those who want the whole big day thing. Why put yourself through this just to please others? DH and I were in a similar position. We wanted to be married but delayed for years because we didn't want a wedding. I got fed up of making excuses and I realised it bothered my DDs and I just thought stuff everyone - my family is suffering because I'm worried about pleasing everyone else! DH and I got married on holiday last year, just us our DDs and our witnesses were the groom and best man from the next wedding. It was simple, stress free and just about us. Our families were a bit sad not to be there but overall they were just happy we were finally married. Do your own thing you will never please everyone so just please yourself :)

Thanks again - a strict ban wouldn't help i done that when DS was born only parents at the hospital no partners or siblings or my DN (even though i desperatly wanted her there) It still kicked off with DP's dad saying he couldn't possibly leave his partner at home.

It doesn't matter to me that much tbh a big problem for me would be not wanting to invite my dad because i don't get on with him very well and he's not a very nice person he will make it akward from my family, but if i don't invite him then i don't think the threads we've been hanging from will take it and i'm not quite ready to be estranged from him god know why

I keep telling DP we can't please everyone infact more likely no one will be happy so why bother. I'm thinking about trying to speak to his mum aboout it, just slip it in there and see how she would feel.