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Original poster

To be unsure if I was assaulted by BIL?

107 replies

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/10/2012 19:11

A few weeks ago we went to my DH's brother's engagement party. It was at PILs house, we didn't have the kids so I was drunk (but not majorly so), pretty much everyone was.

I went to the toilet but pil don't have a lock on the upstairs bathroom. When I was washing my hands BIL came in and put his arms around me from behind, I thought it was a bit weird but he was doing it in a friendly way iyswim. When I tried to shrug him off he put his hands up my dress and down my leggings and started to grope me. I pushed him away and went downstairs but he kept trying to grab at me as I was leaving the bathroom.

The next day he text me saying that it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs. The thing is DH is really close with his brother and I don't know what to do because I feel I've left it too long to tell him now.
BIL and his fiancé are getting married abroad and DH keeps saying that we should book flights and tickets soon but I feel so awkward about the situation...I really don't want to spend time on holiday pretending everything is alright. Sad

OP posts:
Jux · 12/10/2012 13:00

FolkGhoul, yes, it was a x-post as I hadn't refreshed and the tab had been open for aaaaaaages Grin

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 13:43
Grin
LaQueen · 12/10/2012 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 12/10/2012 14:34

what neo said, 100000000000 times over

people can be so bullish on here, "tell your DH, if you dont you are encouraging abuse"

sweet fucking jesus, I feel so sorry for the OP. If she says anything she will open the largest can of shit ever

I really feel for her, its a shitty situation

I would be inclined to text and say

You are a fucking pervert. And you have made me complicit in it you fucking piece of shit. If you ever touch me again, you will regret it. From now onwards you stay 5m from me at every time, and I am watching you

but we are all different people

Jux · 12/10/2012 15:05

I was cornered in the stock room by an old guy at work once, years ago. This was in the days when sexual harassment was hardly a twinkle in anyone's eye.

What I did was go round to every single woman who worked there and warned them not to be alone with him.

OP, you could employ similar tactics.

porcamiseria · 12/10/2012 15:07

me too jux!!! god its quite depressing when you think about it

anniewoo · 12/10/2012 16:08

Be careful - the way he worded the text sounded like u were a willing participant. Probably did this on purpose.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/10/2012 16:11

"it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs"

In other words "It's better for me if you don't say anything .If you accuse me I am going to tell them that you started it/were at least half to blame"

Git.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/10/2012 16:14

OP - I hope you are OK and are believe that this man is a shit and you were in no way to blame. I hope that you can begin to feel angry about it rather than guilty or dirty, and that ultimately you can tell your husband about this man's behaviour and threats.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/10/2012 16:15

I like your text porca.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 12/10/2012 16:49

I would send that text too but add in that as you were washing your hands and he approached you from behind you did NOTHING to encourage him.

Ensure you keep all correspondence from him in future so if anything ever happened with anyone else you have evidence that you didnt encourage him or play along.

HissyByName · 12/10/2012 21:39

Love porca's text.

Actually reading the bil text again, he's done that before! The immediate placing of blame on our dear OP? Clear cut proof he knows full well what he's done/doing.

MagicHouse · 12/10/2012 22:11

I would tell your dh. Tell him you don't want to bring it up with your BIL, but wanted him to know what happened and why you're going to feel uncomfortable in front him. Show him the text, and tell him that it worries you as he's implying you were involved when all you did was push him away.

Or you could text your BIL something like. "Please don't try to make out I wanted anything to do with you at your party. I certainly don't want to cause upset to either [his fiancee] or [your dh] by telling them what you did, but if you ever try to touch me again I won't hesitate to tell them as well as report you"

Original poster
ShavingPrimateRyan · 13/10/2012 00:19

Thankyou so much for your help guys.

I just wanted to update, I told my DH tonight. I would never been able to do this if you guys hadnt of given me the courage.
The reason i didnt want to tell my DH is because he has been suffering with an anxiety disorder which seems to have sprung back on him since his teen years, I am so proud of how he has dealt with this (does that sound patronizing of me?).

I dont know what we are going to do yet we havent had an in depth conversation as such. But then we are taking the kids out for a weekend to brighton in the morning (feel like they have been pushed aside a bit lately with all the problems with the business Sad.

I am sincerely thankful for you all giving a shit about me, I dont have many friends in RL because im so shy Blush so it is nice to know there are lovely people out there!

Sorry for the terrible spelling and grammar but I have had some Wine, which I will definitely regret tomorrow with two kids going crazy on Brighton pier Smile.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 13/10/2012 00:22

Well done, that was such a brave move. And no, it doesn't sound patronizing, it reflects everything you've said throughout this thread, about caring about him.

Will probably be on the pier with DS tomorrow, so will wave randomly at people to see if anyone waves back Wink

Seriously - well done. Hope you are proud of yourself. Deep conversation will come, you've taken the biggest step. Un-MN hugs coming your way. x

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 13/10/2012 00:25

well done you, do enjoy brighton with the family tomorrow.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2012 00:26

So glad you told him. Good for you both. Have fun in Brighton. Play the penny falls for me. Grin

BridgetBidet · 13/10/2012 00:37

I think you have done the right thing. What your BIL did was absolutely disgusting and made me feel physically sick. If that was me it would have been impossible for me to carry on as normal around the fucking wanker and I would have needed to tell my husband because he would have cottoned on something was wrong anyway.

What a disgusing fucking fucker though. Yuk.

solidgoldbrass · 13/10/2012 00:40

Well done. Your BIL is a vile predator who will have done this loads of times BTW, it's textbook entitled-rapist behaviour. Remember that: it was never your fault, never ever. He targeted you because he percieved you as vulnerable and perhaps not too inclined to make a fuss, but that makes him the even more bad person.

kiwigirl42 · 13/10/2012 00:47

Really so glad you told him. You really don't want your BIL telling him another version of the story 'from his angle'. Even if nothing further is done, you can now deal with this together.

CailinDana · 13/10/2012 07:01

I'm delighted to hear you were able to tell him, well done. I hope your talks about it later go well. One thing - your DH might be hoping to just let it go, which is understandable to an extent, so you might have to push a discussion about it. I hope that's not the case because it makes life harder for you, but with things like this people have a tendency to just pretend it hasn't happened.

musicalendorphins · 13/10/2012 07:57

I am also glad that you told him. You did the right thing. Bil has no right to maul and grope you or anyone. I hope your dh tells bil
s wife to be what he did.
If he did it to you, his SIL, who knows how many other woman he has either cheated with or tried to force himself upon.

purplehouse · 13/10/2012 08:57

Well done OP.

highlandcoo · 13/10/2012 09:48

Well done. However the two of you decide to handle things with BIL from now on - confront him, keep your distance or whatever - you are united without any secrets between you and that's the important thing.

Hope you feel a bit better now :)

HissyByName · 13/10/2012 09:58

I am so pleased for you! Well done, we all know how hard that was, but keeping it a secret would have been harder and more destructive in the long run.

Keep talking to your H, you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all.