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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure if I was assaulted by BIL?

107 replies

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/10/2012 19:11

A few weeks ago we went to my DH's brother's engagement party. It was at PILs house, we didn't have the kids so I was drunk (but not majorly so), pretty much everyone was.

I went to the toilet but pil don't have a lock on the upstairs bathroom. When I was washing my hands BIL came in and put his arms around me from behind, I thought it was a bit weird but he was doing it in a friendly way iyswim. When I tried to shrug him off he put his hands up my dress and down my leggings and started to grope me. I pushed him away and went downstairs but he kept trying to grab at me as I was leaving the bathroom.

The next day he text me saying that it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs. The thing is DH is really close with his brother and I don't know what to do because I feel I've left it too long to tell him now.
BIL and his fiancé are getting married abroad and DH keeps saying that we should book flights and tickets soon but I feel so awkward about the situation...I really don't want to spend time on holiday pretending everything is alright. Sad

OP posts:
ledkr · 11/10/2012 22:43

Did you keep the text from bil? That is evidence you were defo assaulted and its not your fault. Dh is close to his brother but has just said he'd believe me as knows I'd never lie about something so serious.

highlandcoo · 12/10/2012 00:25

I had a similar experience - not quite so serious - didn t tell DH that night but did tell him next day, with some trepidation, as a tiny part of me wondered whether he would think I was partly to blame.
He was really angry with the guy, totally on my side and believed me implicitly. Phoned him up, tore him off a strip and the friendship was over, in fact we've never seen him again since.
I think it's really important that you tell your husband. I don't think, understandably, that you will be able to act naturally around your BIL, so your DH will soon suspect that something has happened. You need to get in with the truth first.

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 06:34

He did something wrong.

He's trying to make you share responsibility for it.

He might not want to tell his 'other half', but you should most definitely tell your husband.

If my bil did this (pretty sure he wouldn't though - it's just not what you do) I would tell my husband.

Otherwise you would be colluding with the BIL in deceiving your husband and assaulting his wife. If it ever came out in the future, your husband wouldn't believe you were the 'victim' if you hadn't told him - he might wonder why you'd protect your 'attacker'.

It may 'humiliate' your husband. But he is an adult and presumably it was pretty humiliating being on the receiving end of it.

He assaulted you and now he is trying to manipulate you. It's that whole - fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me scenario, isn't it?

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 06:44

I've just re-read all the posts and what LaQueen said is spot on.

Your BIL is trying to imply that this was a shared drunken 'moment' and best forgotten. It's not. What he did was a criminal offence.

neontetra · 12/10/2012 06:48

FolkGhoul you have just accused OP of colluding in her own assault - that is not a sensible concept! OP as a victim of abuse you are NOT morally obliged to report it to anyone, you are NOT letting anyone down if you choose not to. You should speak of it only if, when and to whom you feel comfortable rdoing so. Good luck.

HecateLarpo · 12/10/2012 06:56

Yes you were assaulted. It is no way your fault. He's no doubt trying to justify himself by rewriting what happened to make it a mutual thing. It was not.

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 06:57

neo I've just re-read it and, yes it does read like that, sorry.

What I meant to say he might "think" you were protecting him and wonder why.

He might not believe that the OP was innocent in it and might believe the BIL's 'version' of events if she doesn't get in their first with the truth.

Does that make sense?!

Unfortunately, this is not an unknown attacker who the OP is unlikely to ever see again and her BIL might take it as a green light if she doesn't say anything. Afterall, once she has kept quiet about it once, he might presume it would make it harder for her to say anything in the future too.

HissyByName · 12/10/2012 07:41

I never say this, but show your DH this thread....

CailinDana · 12/10/2012 08:20

You ok OP?

fluffyraggies · 12/10/2012 09:01

OP, if you haven't already acted yet, can you tell us a little more about your relationship with your DH? How long you've been together? Is he a patient understanding guy, or is he a hot headed, fiery sort?

Are you worried he wont believe you?

Have you still got that text from your BIL?

I'm asking these things as a way to get you to chat to us about it a little more :)

The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. I would be tying myself in knots over this too. In my case i think i would be believed and supported once my DHs immediate shock and horror had passed.

All our situations are different though. Everyone has to bare this in mind when giving advice.

Jux · 12/10/2012 09:10

Your BIL is trying to make you collude with him, which will deflect the blame from,him onto you, at least partially. It would also give him a hold on you, and an excuse to do it again.

Tell your dh.

musicalendorphins · 12/10/2012 09:27

Please tell your dh before another day passes. You are innocent. Be brave, your husband deserves the respect of you telling him. And you hold your head up around your bil, he is the bad one, not you.

Faylalu · 12/10/2012 09:30

Best to tell your husband as you never know when it might come out and then you'd look like you were in on it! It'll look worse for you in the long run. No secrets are the best secrets to have. Screw who it'll upset, he upset you in the first place.

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 10:26

Jux that's sort of what I was getting up when I ended up sounding like a bit of an arse instead Blush

FolkGhoul · 12/10/2012 10:26

*at

perceptionreality · 12/10/2012 10:28

Definitely assault. How awful for you - has he ever done anything like this before?

TiAAAAARGHo · 12/10/2012 10:45

He assaulted you. You need to tell your DH.

ScarahScreams · 12/10/2012 11:00

Yes it was assault. This will not just go away and go poof. You need to tell your DH just look at recent news stories to remind yourself this is serious at not to be put under the carpet. I am so sorry this happend to you and you have done nothing wrong.

bubalou · 12/10/2012 11:05

I'm sorry - you should tell your DH. Don't try to take the blame - it wasn't your fault.

Drunk / stupid - whatever reason his brother did it that is his problem.

This will only come out in the end and I guarantee it will most likely be you that looks guilty.

x

Fakebook · 12/10/2012 11:05

Sorry, but you were definitely assaulted and it may be a bad time but you need to tell your DH. You have done nothing wrong. Don't feel guilty or bad, your bil is the one in the wrong.

purplehouse · 12/10/2012 11:17

Your BIL is going to turn this around on you, you must tell your DH asap.

MTBMummy · 12/10/2012 11:43

Anyone heard from the OP?

Do we know if she's ok?

Kalisi · 12/10/2012 11:55

What a horrible experience! I Personally don't know what I would do in this situation but as an outsider I can definitely see that logically abd for your own peace of mind it would be best to tell your husband.

neontetra · 12/10/2012 12:21

I too am worried about the OP, who seems to have disappeared. I know everyone is trying to be supportive, but I'm not sure that putting so much pressure on her to tell her DH is the best way of doing this, as we don't know how supportive he would be, how he might react etc. Unfortunately, disclosing abuse does not always have a positive outcome for the victim/survivor, as I'm sure we all know/can imagine. She has been disempowered already by this horrible incident - surely now she needs to be empowered, with our support, to deal with the situation in the way she feels best. OP, really hope you are OK. We are all thinking of you. This is not your fault, and you are not in the wrong in any way, whatever you decide.

honeytea · 12/10/2012 12:40

Great post neontetra.