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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure if I was assaulted by BIL?

107 replies

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/10/2012 19:11

A few weeks ago we went to my DH's brother's engagement party. It was at PILs house, we didn't have the kids so I was drunk (but not majorly so), pretty much everyone was.

I went to the toilet but pil don't have a lock on the upstairs bathroom. When I was washing my hands BIL came in and put his arms around me from behind, I thought it was a bit weird but he was doing it in a friendly way iyswim. When I tried to shrug him off he put his hands up my dress and down my leggings and started to grope me. I pushed him away and went downstairs but he kept trying to grab at me as I was leaving the bathroom.

The next day he text me saying that it was better off we forgot what happened and there was no point telling our other halfs. The thing is DH is really close with his brother and I don't know what to do because I feel I've left it too long to tell him now.
BIL and his fiancé are getting married abroad and DH keeps saying that we should book flights and tickets soon but I feel so awkward about the situation...I really don't want to spend time on holiday pretending everything is alright. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/10/2012 19:35

I can't tell my husband it will humiliate him and kill him. We are under so much stress at the moment with our business going down the pan and I am terrified this will put a strain on our marriage.

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 11/10/2012 19:36

You have done nothing wrong, really you haven't

I think you should tell your DH, yes he will be upset but because of his brother not you. If you don't tell him and his brother does then it will look like you had something to hide when your are completely innocent

I am so sorry your twat of a bil has put you in this position

Tailtwister · 11/10/2012 19:39

What an awful thing to happen. You are in no way to blame for this and don't let him manipulate you into thinking you do. Yes, you were assaulted.

I really do think your should tell your DH. It will be unpleasant, but not because you are guilty of anything at all but he will be very angry with his brother (and rightly so). You really can't (and shouldn't try) to deal with this incident on your own.

CailinDana · 11/10/2012 19:43

I can totally understand you not wanting to tell him. You are in such a difficult position.

How are you feeling about what happened?

quoteunquote · 11/10/2012 19:49

OP, I'm sure that the next time you are in a social situation that involves your BiL, your husband will notice that your behaviour is awkward, so he will wonder why you are behaving oddly, It's probably worth having a conversation about it before there are other stresses added to the issue.

EdgarAllanPond · 11/10/2012 19:57

"
I can't tell my husband it will humiliate him and kill him."

the danger is his brother gets his side in first. he will claim you are avoiding him because he spurned your advances. your husband needs to know, if you can't trust him on this your marriage is in more peril, not less.

monkeysbignuts · 11/10/2012 19:59

sorry my post was supposed to say I wouldn't say to keep quiet.
op you have been put in a totally shit situation by your selfish bil!
Is there anyone in the family that you could confide in? Mother, sister etc?
Its all very well us telling you what to do but we don't know you're family personally and I would seek advice from people close to you.
good luck and please don't stress its really not your fault at all xx
sorry if I have come across in the wrong way :(

solidgoldbrass · 11/10/2012 20:05

Oh you poor girl, how horrible for you. Is your DH from a family with 'traditional' attitudes towards women, and are he and his brother a bit 'laddish', or have they been in the past? Obviously you know your H better than a bunch of internet randoms, but I wonder if you are scared that the family will close ranks against you and accuse you of lying/asking for it/trying to stir up trouble, because they are inclined to believe rape myths.

I hope for your sake that you know your H will believe you and support you unconditionally, and you are only concerned at the extra stress it will cause him.

BlueSkySinking · 11/10/2012 20:14

I would text him and tell him that his attention was not wanted and you feel sexually assaulted.

I would tell my hubby

purplehouse · 11/10/2012 20:15

God, don't engage with the BIL! What's the point in engaging with an abuser - they are unreasonable. Need to engage with DH.

ScaryBOOAlot · 11/10/2012 20:26

Oh love :(

Please tell your DH. If you can't face saying it to him, then write him an email or a letter, and tell him not only what happened, but how confused you felt about telling him.

Big un-MN hugs. x

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 11/10/2012 20:31

You won't tell your husband because it will humiliate you? But you have been humiliated.

Would you trust this BIL around your children? What it one day you have teenage girls? Are you going to let him near them? Near other people's girls? Other women?

suburbophobe · 11/10/2012 21:03

I certainly wouldn't spend money on a trip to a wedding where the groom had groped me at the previous party....

Actually, I'd never want to see him again.

How to approach the subject at home, sorry, I have no tips.

lalabaloo · 11/10/2012 21:33

Would you feel able to tell your DH you need to talk to him about something but don't know how to approach it, that it has been worrying you since it happened and show him a copy of this thread? You haven't done anything wrong at all

notmyproblem · 11/10/2012 21:38

OP, you do believe this wasn't your fault, right?

That you were assaulted and did nothing to encourage or provoke it?

That your BIL is someone who sexually assaults women? (I'd be surprised if you were the first or last to be assaulted by him).

That he is now trying to blame you, guilt-trip you, make you feel badly about it, and make you afraid to tell your DH?

Just say you understand all that at least. Because at the moment your posts sound like you believe him rather than us. Sad

LaQueen · 11/10/2012 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkedtoolong · 11/10/2012 21:43

Please tell your DH. My uncle tried to rape my DM many years ago and while my mum hasn't told many people she has never kept it from my DF. He has always believed her and severely minimised contact with my uncle while my gran was alive, then cut it completely once she died.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all and I'm sure your DH will show you the love and support that you need and deserve.

Dreadfulspindlykillerfish · 11/10/2012 21:57

I've been in a near identical situation to you and I didn't say anything for months due to the fear of not being believed or all hell breaking loose. This person carried on for some months with suggestive crude remarks and putting his hands on my breasts and cannot and telling me not to tell our respective other halts. As it turned out I told hubby much later on and crap hit the fan anyway but unfortunately this creep got in first and now everyone with the exception of hubby believes the twat that I came on to him so get in first tell your DH so BIL behaviour gets nipped in the bud

Dreadfulspindlykillerfish · 11/10/2012 21:59

Ps please excuse spelling mistakes

lashingsofbingeinghere · 11/10/2012 22:05

Write down what happened, that it was an assault and not consensual. Put it with a copy of a page of a newspaper with that day's date on it and put the same date on the letter. Seal it all up and keep it somewhere safe where your DH won't find it.

You can choose to tell your husband or not (only you can judge if this is the right thing to do in your present circumstances). But if you don't and your DH is ever told anything by his DB about what happened and it is inaccurate, give your DH the letter.

HissyByName · 11/10/2012 22:06

Your dh will be more humiliated if he finds out you kept it to yourself.

If your business is struggling, this is your get out.

You have to tell him you're not going, and why.

lovebunny · 11/10/2012 22:09

your brother in law assaulted you. tell your husband. tell him you were ashamed and didn't want to cause more upset. then tell the police.

if you don't:

your brother in law gets away with it
he might tell, saying you led him on

but even worse

he will be able demand gratification whenever he likes, 'or he'll tell'.

sittinginthesun · 11/10/2012 22:15

I think you should tell your husband. Take control of the situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

BupcakesAndHaunting · 11/10/2012 22:16

I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do. When BIL said that we shouldnt mention it, it made me feel like I was somehow culpable for what happened as well."

That's EXACTLY how he wants you to feel, the nasty little bastard. Angry

Tell your DH, please. You have to. If your DH knows then you can avoid this little prick, both of you. If you don't, then you face a lifetime of awkward gatherings where you have to try and avoid this sad excuse of a man.

BustersOfDoom · 11/10/2012 22:29

If you telling your husband that you have been assaulted by his DB will 'humiliate and kill him' then I don't know what to say. The normal reaction is to be furious and angry on your DW's behalf, to give his DB the warning of all warnings or to involve the police/seek legal redress and most importantly to reassure your DW that you believe her, love her and support her.

Feeling sorry for himself, only thinking about how it reflects on him and and how miserable it makes him is not normal and selfish in the extreme. But I appreciate that that is how you anticipate he will react rather than how he might actually be. You have to tell him what happened though. And if he is humiliated and appears near to death then he really isn't the man you need or deserve.