AIBU to speak to my parents about their Xmas expectations?

[emeraldgirl1]

Long, sorry.

DH and I have spent every one of the past 7 Xmas Days (since we were married) with my parents/family. This despite the fact that for 2 of those years we had planned to spend it with his mum instead and then - due to my (very very difficult) mum throwing a wobbly - changing our plans and just keeping my mum happy instead. (Yes, I do feel awful about this btw and know it wasn't fair or right)

Once again this year, my parents are assuming we are going to them; on hearing that we haven't decided yet (not even a flat-out no!!) they have started piling on the emotional pressure - mostly due to the fact that if we don't go it will 'only' be them with my brother, SIL and SIL's mum, who they don't get on with.

3 years ago the pressure was piled on because it was just going to be them with my sister and BIL, who they don't get on with.

I have tried to talk to them (well, my dad) in the past and told him that we do have DH's family to consider too (not to mention the fact that DH's parents are divorced which means there are TWO separate extra people to incorporate in our plans, IYSWIM). I have clearly got nowhere. Dad just blandly half-agrees (he is scared of my mum) and mumbles vague things about, "yes, it's obviously v tough) and Mum (on the one occasion I dared to raise it) went on a mini-rant about my MIL and how she never sends them Xmas cards etc etc (I think this means, in her eyes, that MIL does not deserve to have anyone with her for Xmas...)

I am stressing out to the point of tears this year because of this. I am pregnant and dreading this whole thing this time next year when obviously MIL and FIL are going to be even more unhappy about not getting to see us on Xmas Day as they will want to see the baby. MIL and my mum don't get on (obviously) so we would not even be able to have them both at our house next year - the stress would be too fucking awful to risk it.

My question is - AIBU to be considering calling my parents - my dad first probably, as he is more approachable even if useless - and having a very very stern word about this?

My trouble is that I recognise that - though they have been the unreasonable and unpleasant ones - I am the one who has allowed this to continue (apart from the occasional attempt to fix it) and so are they going to be rightly put out and upset that I am suddenly out of the blue saying that they can't carry on like this?

Or does that not really matter because I have absorbed their needs and highly selfish desires for years, to the detriment of my rel/ship with Dh and MIL who have both been very upset with me in the past about this? Is it absolutely time to tell my parents a few home truths?

Obviously my strategy would not actually be to call up and start accusing - I would if anything probably be too wimpy about it. Probably (seieng how I feel at the mo) I will cry and then they will just think I am being pregnant and silly. :(

Any advice would be HUGELY appreciated - I am sitting here torn between picking up the phone and getting this all off my chest, and not saying a word because I don't want them to get upset/angry. But I hate absorbing all this, especially now that I am pregnant.

Remind DH that your mum thrives on drama, so giving her a low-key ultimatum is more effective than giving her a dramatic earful to get all excited about.

Put sign on phone to remind you: Don't Feed The Drama Llama

I think you need to find some choice phrases to repeat over the years to make this easier: for example "this is what works for our family" - heaven knows you will need to decide what you want and stick to it when baby comes along. It took me about 5 months (and some CBT) after DS was born to 'grow a pair' and boy am I glad I did!

I was pregnant at Christmas too so I decided now is the time to sort of set the scene for how things will be in years to come. For me the best way to do this was to let the parents (PIL, dad & partner, and Mum) know that from now on we would be spending Christmas day alone as a family, we would see them on other days around the Christmas period. At the moment we see PIL and SIL on boxing day but some years it might be my family instead. I am thinking about the future (don't want to drag kids to GPs when they could be having fun at home) and myself (I want to put my family first, the GPs are old enough to suit themselves) and by saying this from the off its no surprise to anyone (although some people do feign ignorance!) and everyone knows what to expect so there's less pressure.

I would totally recommend you do this, now is the best time before DC comes along and everyone starts clawing each other's eyes out to get their baby hours in!

You don't have to go into any lengthy explanations - just have a set few phrases in your head that explain the situation that is right for you and DP and tell the relevant people. I find "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a good way of being empathetic but not backing down (well it shuts me up when my mother says it anyway!)

best of luck OP - you'll get through this. Your mother can hardly complain if you've spent the last 7 Christmases with her and your DP has not once seen his own... But she will, so be ready!

Thank goodness it only comes round once a year eh?! On a plus note this will be the first Christmas (with a 2 month old and a 22 month old) that I have ever looked forward to... I know this is because I am only looking to please the people I choose to. You can do it! :)

In all dealings with unreasonable people always be gracious. That way you avoid giving them any ammunition and you ultimately retain the upper hand.

Annie I need one of those signs!!!

Woozley - why should a married couple with their own child on the way not spend Christmas day together in order to pander to the whims of a mother who doesn't want to accept her DCs have grown up and are now independant adults?

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons - I think I have a fantasy (as an earlier poster put it) that she will gasp in horror and say, "I am so sorry emerald, I have been wrong all these years! Please, from now on just do whatever you want at Xmas, I will never make demands again!'

the silly thing is, there's a part of me that still wants/expects that to be the case, even though I know that is next to imposs.

What is more likely is a rant about my MIL being a bitch who never sends her an Xmas card, a rant about me being ungrateful and therefore why shoudl she put herself out for me and future DC, a rant about my DH and how he is 'in thrall' to his mother, a rant about how unfair it is that she just wants a family Xmas with everyone where she wants them...

Yes, it could get v v bitter. The 5% chance that it would have some effect isn't worth the risk.

I wish it was different :(

Yeah, big all purpose screen saver saying 'My mother's reaction is abnormal' floating across your screen like a banner!

LillianGish - another one for my screen saver.

And I LOVE Don't Feed the Drama Llama.

Yes, she does thrive on confrontation, I would HATE myself for giving her the opp to cry and get sympathy from my dad etc.

Perhaps you could also point out to your DH that he's been raised with a reasonable mother who would hear what you're saying in the rant, take it in and think "is my DD right? Have I been unreasonable? What can I do to fix this?" whereas you aren't dealing with a reasonable person, so that won't work, it will just feed her drama, it will be evidence that you are wrong and she won't improve, it won't be "when you told her how it was" it will be "when my ungrateful daughter turned on me and had a rant." and isn't it awful she's got such a terrible daughter?

You can't apply logic, so don't try - do'nt get in to arguments, inform and then step back.

(I have started doing this with my mum who has these tendancies, I have not consulted her opinion for years, I just deliver things as decided and refuse to discuss)

OP I have the same fantasy. It was really difficult to accept that it wasn't going to happen and after some horrible confrontations my DM cut of contact with me despite the fact that it was her behaviour that was unreasonable. I tried to change her and it didn't work. It was just a really really messy unpleasant situation that resulted in me being as much of the 'bad guy' as she was.

I'm almost glad because I'm due to have a baby myself in a few days and not having her domineering self around is nice Congratulations and good luck for the rest of your pg btw.

oh sorry, just seen other advice: "Don't feed the Drama Llama" is a much better way of putting it!

I would urge you to think about your baby. Do you want your child to see this behaviour? To see mummy being bossed around by grandma and daddy getting frustrated? To perhaps be subject to the same emotional blackmail from grandma?

Might just give you the strength you need to stand up to her.

Another excellent word when negotiating is. "Unfortunately". So, "I appreciate that you are upset but unfortunately our decision has been made" for example. It's quite neutral and crucially for me stops me saying "I'm sorry" about too many things. I use it when negotiating at work and with friends/family. It recognises that there's something not good about a situation but doesn't mean I'm taking responsibility in the same way as "I'm sorry". It's also good as a full stop "this is such an unfortunate situation, shall we move on and talk about how we can do better in the future". Those are both quite "worky" examples but hopefully the tip might help someone as it has me!

We have it so easy. PIL and SIL live close so don't have to stay with us. I don't have siblings. DPs live 3 hours away and their place is too small for everyone to stay so it alternates between PIL and ours. Theirs this year - woo hoo! DPs always stay with us. Simples!

loads of great advice on here for anyone having to make a difficult christmas decision. I love MsPickle's use of 'unfortunately' as she is right, you shouldn't have to apologise for your decision. As an adult with your own family you decide how you want to spend the day, inform your mother of your choice, don't discuss, negotiate or get drawn into argument - give her a couple of choices (on your terms) of what would suit you eg what other date can we visit? or do you want to visit at new year or early in january..... maybe that would deflect her from starting a rant. Good luck - these things always seem simple on paper when you are not emotionally involved and are very difficult to pull off in reality.

You've already had some great advice here, OP, and you can clearly see that you need to calmly take a little more control of your own life and make decisions without feeling that you must justify them to your DM.

I have a DM very similar to your own and I was very much like you before DD1 was born. I just went along with what she wanted because the alternative was too much like hard work.

When DD1 was born she expected to parent my baby by remote control though me. She used to become very angry if I didn't do what she though right in every last detail and after a few weeks I realised I couldn't go on. I had to start standing up to her.

One of the earlier poster was right when they said that once you start it gets easier. It was an enormous shock to her system at first but I knew I had to stand my ground and I did. After the first few occasions she began to suggest things instead of telling me and accepted my right to go against her advice.

If I had my time again I would definitely have started being firmer before my baby was born and this is what you have the chance to do.

MY advice would be to sit down with your DH and decide what you would both like to do this Christmas and in the future. Then just call her and let her know. DO the broken record thing and keep telling her it is what you have decided together. Be polite and grateful for all the years she has hosted Christmas but make it clear that it is now time to make changes. Don't get into personal criticism no matter how much she tries to snare you.

If you decide that you need to alternate years with your DPs and your ILs then tell her this year so it doesn't end up hanging over you for months.

Good luck and remember that you will be glad you bit the bullet when there is a baby around because she'll be ten times worse than she was over Christmas.

I do feel for you Emerald as I have a Mother who is irrational, controlling and never wrong yet I still burst into tears if I try to confront jer over something hurtful she has done to me yet again

Things are only going to get worse though once your baby is here so it really is time to stop this christmas routine or you'll be dragging your child out to your parents every Christmas day when all they want is to stay at home in their pj's playing with their new stuff.

If it were me I'd start this year and have Christmas Day just you and your husband, set aside a day per parents sometime over the period to see them, this way you wont be seen as favouring one over the other and can have a lovely relaxing time.