AIBU to speak to my parents about their Xmas expectations?

[emeraldgirl1]

Long, sorry.

DH and I have spent every one of the past 7 Xmas Days (since we were married) with my parents/family. This despite the fact that for 2 of those years we had planned to spend it with his mum instead and then - due to my (very very difficult) mum throwing a wobbly - changing our plans and just keeping my mum happy instead. (Yes, I do feel awful about this btw and know it wasn't fair or right)

Once again this year, my parents are assuming we are going to them; on hearing that we haven't decided yet (not even a flat-out no!!) they have started piling on the emotional pressure - mostly due to the fact that if we don't go it will 'only' be them with my brother, SIL and SIL's mum, who they don't get on with.

3 years ago the pressure was piled on because it was just going to be them with my sister and BIL, who they don't get on with.

I have tried to talk to them (well, my dad) in the past and told him that we do have DH's family to consider too (not to mention the fact that DH's parents are divorced which means there are TWO separate extra people to incorporate in our plans, IYSWIM). I have clearly got nowhere. Dad just blandly half-agrees (he is scared of my mum) and mumbles vague things about, "yes, it's obviously v tough) and Mum (on the one occasion I dared to raise it) went on a mini-rant about my MIL and how she never sends them Xmas cards etc etc (I think this means, in her eyes, that MIL does not deserve to have anyone with her for Xmas...)

I am stressing out to the point of tears this year because of this. I am pregnant and dreading this whole thing this time next year when obviously MIL and FIL are going to be even more unhappy about not getting to see us on Xmas Day as they will want to see the baby. MIL and my mum don't get on (obviously) so we would not even be able to have them both at our house next year - the stress would be too fucking awful to risk it.

My question is - AIBU to be considering calling my parents - my dad first probably, as he is more approachable even if useless - and having a very very stern word about this?

My trouble is that I recognise that - though they have been the unreasonable and unpleasant ones - I am the one who has allowed this to continue (apart from the occasional attempt to fix it) and so are they going to be rightly put out and upset that I am suddenly out of the blue saying that they can't carry on like this?

Or does that not really matter because I have absorbed their needs and highly selfish desires for years, to the detriment of my rel/ship with Dh and MIL who have both been very upset with me in the past about this? Is it absolutely time to tell my parents a few home truths?

Obviously my strategy would not actually be to call up and start accusing - I would if anything probably be too wimpy about it. Probably (seieng how I feel at the mo) I will cry and then they will just think I am being pregnant and silly. :(

Any advice would be HUGELY appreciated - I am sitting here torn between picking up the phone and getting this all off my chest, and not saying a word because I don't want them to get upset/angry. But I hate absorbing all this, especially now that I am pregnant.

wow so you aren't actually going to your MIL on Christmas day and she's going to be difficult?

Could you start with "MIL really wants to see us on Christmas day." then "compromise" on going to MIL's on Boxing day...

Your mum is obviously incredibly selfish, and the problem is, if you've been raised with a dad who panders to it, you've been taught to do what she wants to 'keep the peace' - reasonable people like your MIL will not kick up a fuss so actually you're being really unfair to your MIL. It's not acceptable that she never gets to see her son, over the Christmas period. (Let alone Christmas day). Perhaps think of it this way, while you are trying to keep the peace, you are being rude to your MIL, it's not your Mum that's being rude, it's you. You are treating her as unimportant and as if you don't care. You need to change your behaviour to your MIL.

You to realise you don't need to keep the peace with your mum, you don't live with her, so if she strops up, you can hang up and refuse to go at all to see her until she apologises. If she doesn't, she's the one who'll miss out on being a grandmother. She is not the one incharge, you are an adult, you don't need to do what she wants anymore.

Go on, see what happens, if she kicks off, refuse to go at Christmas at all. And then stick to it. Perhaps it'll shock her into realising you are a grown woman.

I would stay at home

Your MIL can come for Xmas Eve (or you can go there)

Your parents can come on Boxing Day (or, you can go there)

That's your best offer

Not debatable

Eldritch Mum rant bingo is hilarious!!!!!

Yes, I agree that it would be a bad idea to start talking about next Xmas now... I guess not having the Talk now doesn't mean I couldn't have it next year, if they were being vile about Xmas with first baby.

write her a letter/email
be lovely and nice and tell her your plans, not just for this year but for future. You don't say if this is your first dc? Now we have dcs we have decided we want to be in our own home at christmas. Anyone can come to us, but we are not going anywhere on christmas day

so depending on distance etc

Dear Mum and dad,
you have been so good hosting christmas all these years etc etc
dh and I have sat down and had a talk, we have decided that this year we are going to dh's on christmas day, as they have never had christmas with us, so that would be fair wouldn't it? I am sure you understand that they miss having dh there at christmas, and we would like to split our christamases over both families.

We are also beginning to think about when dc is born, and thinking that maybe we will want to stay at home sometimes on christmas day.

We would obviously like to see you over the christmas period, so we were thinking about coming to you on....(boxing day, weekend before, weekend after - not NYE, christams eve...)

I will give you some time to think about best date for you and i will call you on...

etc.

when she phones, be charming broken record, just like trills said up thread.
She WILL get over it. She may kick up a stink, but she will survive!

Emerald, I have a vision of your Christmas Day with the two MILs shooting daggers at each other and commenting on what makes a good Christmas meal, your father and brother getting pissed to avoid the stress, and your SIL hissing at her husband that this is awful and they need to leave.

I'd try to bypass Christmas Day too, its sounds like hell.

If you don't enjoy spending Christmas with them you don't have to do it at all you know.

You also don't have to go to anyone else's house, or have anyone else visit, if you don't want to.

Certainly don't start offering plans up for next Christmas!!! That way madness lies.

You know, you could spend Christmas alone with just you and your husband you know

steppemum - wow thank you that is a really helpful post. I tend to try to avoid writing stuff down in letters/emails as I have this fear that once in black and white it can be used against you IYSWIM. But sometimes I long to write an email because I feel that is one way I could get my point across calmly without getting upset and getting off track.

Trying to have A Big Talk is a very bad idea. She?ll just end up haranguing you and you?ll feel worse. It?s not as if she is going to listen constructively, take in your viewpoint and suddenly say: ?You?re right emeraldgirl!! What have I been doing all these years?!?

It?s kind of pointless and I don?t mean to be horrible, but you'll end up colluding in the nonsense. It?s a nice fantasy but that?s all it is. Let it go. Write yourself a letter with all the things that you want to say to her ? it?s a better use of your time.

Are you my long, lost sister??

Its really hard to say what you want when you have such a difficult parent. You need to though. Once you for it once it will get easier.

If she's this manipulative, the chances are that she has been saying the same things each year to your brother.

"You've got to come over for Christmas, or it will just be me and Emeraldgirl and her family - and you know how much they irritate me. It will be sooooo miserable..."

Stand your ground. Think of it as good practice for when you have a tantrumming toddler who thinks they should get their own way because they cry and shout.

The thing that shocks me is that it is honestly a revelation to me that we could spend Xmas alone!!!!!

I have accepted my mum's POV that we 'must' spend it with them or if not then who are we spending it with that she can get offended about??!

It is my first dc, yep...

I do have siblings but they are better at this (they are much much worse at handling her in other ways but good with Xmas!) and they do what suits them. DSis has kids so does whatever suits her, be it staying home or going to them (has no ILs to cloud the matter) and DBro does exactly what he wants, usually at home as he has to have his MIL. He does invite parents but then the pressure is just applied to going there (by my parents, who don't like to spend Xmas day with just my bro and his wife/MIL) instead of the pressure to go up to my parents.

You are about to have your first baby. I'd say start as you mean to go on - Christmas in your own home. Much, much easier when you have presents to transport and hide. Your Christmas your rules. I don't know where you live relative to your mum and pil - I'm guessing nearby. If so this year could you not go for lunch Christmas day with your mum and then to PIL Boxing Day. You don't need to stay overnight anywhere - it's not as if you will be drinking. If it were me I wouldn't have a fight about it - just be very firm (pregnant woman's perogative) and then you can mention casually that you are so looking forward to having Christmas at home when you become parents.

Quibbler - I hand't thought aboutr writing myself a letter to get it off my chest - GREAT suggestion thank you.

DH is v v strongly of the view that 'something needs to be said' and I can't blame him for thinking that. How should I explain that I think it may be better not to? Understandably he has a low opinion of my handling of this matter!!

LillianGish - it is interesting to me that you say 'start as you mean to go on - Xmas in your own home". To me that is exactly what I would like to do as a parent. It is what we did as kids with our parents, rather than being dragged to GPs, aunties etc, and it was ideal (albeit that my mum was usually throwing a temper tantrum over the turkey!!)

BUT I think my mum is struggling to come to terms with the fact that this is the way it shoudl be. She still feels as if Xmas should be HER kids in HER home and gets v v v upset when this is challenged. More than upset - she just won't really accept it. She is the matriarch, her house is huge, why on earth are we not all just decamping there for a week the way we used to before partners came along?!

This sounds like a nightmare situation.

But if you be assertive now it will be easier to be assertive when your baby arrives and your mum is making inevitable 'well-meaning' suggestions regarding parenting.

I think you need to make strategies for this call and plan a little treat or have someone supportive there when you've got off the phone.

Do the script, then deep breath, make the call very calmly and don't get into an argument, just deliver the news and get off the phone.

THEN say to the supportive person what you feel and have a good rant. You get to have your feelings but not get drawn into a game with her. Punch a cushion, have a weep, have an ice cream, whatever AFTER but do NOT get into it with her.

You could even say mum I've been dreading this call as I know you will be upset and cross but I'm not going to get into a argument, I just need to deliver the news about Christmas so you understand that we will be at IL this year in the day. That's how it's going to be and I'm sorry you will be upset but I can't have a big fight about it, I just need to tell you. Okay I've told you and now i need to go. We can catch up again soon. Bye.

Just state calmly what your plans are, you don't need to get into a big confrontation about previous years, that's pointless.

I really would not get into discussions about next year, you don't know what you will want to do yet, with a baby of your own you might want to stay at home with just your new little family.

Why does your mum invite your bro, DIL and MIL if it's such a trial for her, I can't imagine any of them enjoy it very much.

Ooh... cross posted!

emerald your mum sounds like mine. She had a hissy fit when I left to go to uni because I was 'abandoning' her (being the oldest of four children that really REALLY wasn't the case). Sometimes tough love is the only way to do it and you shouldn't feel guilty for your mum's immaturity.

porthcurnick an excellent question - she is one of those women who wants an opportunity to moan... also though she doesn't like my SIL or my brother's MIL she would rather have them there than have them daring to have a good time elsewhere.

Honestly, she isn't easy. And Xmas brings out the worst in her.

Once we had children we always had Christmas at our own home.
Parents were welcome to come but we did not submit to blackmail. My mum was fine but one year my dad refused to travel. We knew she would have a miserable Christmas but she had the option to come on her own. He could be very manipulative and we took the opinion that she chose to marry himand chose to let him get away with sulky behaviour. We were born into that situation and did not have to continue suffering from it when we had children of our own.
He only did it once.

As I said up thead, what's she going to do if you say no? She needs to realise you are not a child anymore. She won't if you keep pandering to her, it's not like she's actually going to get what she wants (all at her house) anyway, so why should you be the only one to have to do what she wants?

How about you and DH decide between you what you want to do, fitting round your MIL/FIL and if your DH would rather spend christmas just the two of you. Then inform your mum - agree via e-mail is good so she can't then talk you round and you and DH can carefully think about what you're going to write.

Then decide what you'd like to do next year, if it's in your home, perhaps with MIL coming over, then ask MIL nice and early, you can have a nice christmas with your own traditions.

And decide when you're DC have grown, you'll be more like your MIL than your DM...

My favourite response to ranty guilt trips: "Well. There we are."
In a very dry tone of voice. A good way of conveying you are not budging.

Actually, why not ask your DBro and Dsis how they have managed these things? Nothing like getting tips from people with practical experience.

Sorry to keep demanding advice (but honestly, has been such good advice that I am craving more!) but... any suggestions for how to tell DH that his (yearned-for) notion of me calling up and giving my dad and mum a piece of my mind on the phone isn't a sensible idea? I think he is desperate to get some 'satisfaction' IYSWIM!