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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to speak to my parents about their Xmas expectations?

117 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 12:21

Long, sorry.

DH and I have spent every one of the past 7 Xmas Days (since we were married) with my parents/family. This despite the fact that for 2 of those years we had planned to spend it with his mum instead and then - due to my (very very difficult) mum throwing a wobbly - changing our plans and just keeping my mum happy instead. (Yes, I do feel awful about this btw and know it wasn't fair or right)

Once again this year, my parents are assuming we are going to them; on hearing that we haven't decided yet (not even a flat-out no!!) they have started piling on the emotional pressure - mostly due to the fact that if we don't go it will 'only' be them with my brother, SIL and SIL's mum, who they don't get on with.

3 years ago the pressure was piled on because it was just going to be them with my sister and BIL, who they don't get on with.

I have tried to talk to them (well, my dad) in the past and told him that we do have DH's family to consider too (not to mention the fact that DH's parents are divorced which means there are TWO separate extra people to incorporate in our plans, IYSWIM). I have clearly got nowhere. Dad just blandly half-agrees (he is scared of my mum) and mumbles vague things about, "yes, it's obviously v tough) and Mum (on the one occasion I dared to raise it) went on a mini-rant about my MIL and how she never sends them Xmas cards etc etc (I think this means, in her eyes, that MIL does not deserve to have anyone with her for Xmas...)

I am stressing out to the point of tears this year because of this. I am pregnant and dreading this whole thing this time next year when obviously MIL and FIL are going to be even more unhappy about not getting to see us on Xmas Day as they will want to see the baby. MIL and my mum don't get on (obviously) so we would not even be able to have them both at our house next year - the stress would be too fucking awful to risk it.

My question is - AIBU to be considering calling my parents - my dad first probably, as he is more approachable even if useless - and having a very very stern word about this?

My trouble is that I recognise that - though they have been the unreasonable and unpleasant ones - I am the one who has allowed this to continue (apart from the occasional attempt to fix it) and so are they going to be rightly put out and upset that I am suddenly out of the blue saying that they can't carry on like this?

Or does that not really matter because I have absorbed their needs and highly selfish desires for years, to the detriment of my rel/ship with Dh and MIL who have both been very upset with me in the past about this? Is it absolutely time to tell my parents a few home truths?

Obviously my strategy would not actually be to call up and start accusing - I would if anything probably be too wimpy about it. Probably (seieng how I feel at the mo) I will cry and then they will just think I am being pregnant and silly. :(

Any advice would be HUGELY appreciated - I am sitting here torn between picking up the phone and getting this all off my chest, and not saying a word because I don't want them to get upset/angry. But I hate absorbing all this, especially now that I am pregnant.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 11/10/2012 13:13

Your Mum is being VU. Just say you are not going there this Christmas and your are going to your DH's parents if that's what you want to do. The only fair way is alternate years if it causes trouble.

LillianGish · 11/10/2012 13:13

That is your trump card then - you can say that you want to create the sort of lovely Christmases you had as children - dress it up as a compliment to your mum. That is what we did as kids and that's what my brother and I do now with our own kids. People are welcome to join us, by arrangement, but I'm in charge. I think it's lovely to arrange in advance that people can pop in for drinks or you could even go over to her house for tea on boxing day for instance but DO WHAT YOU WANT. If you do it from the moment you have your own baby then you are making your own Christmas tradition and eventually your mum will get the message that she needs to fit in with you - in the nicest possible way!

CassandraApprentice · 11/10/2012 13:15

First child is the perfect time to adjust expectations - play the we are still getting used to everything card but refuse to make plans for future Christmases with we'll have to see nearer the time.

You can also do the emotional blakmail thing back - well we have to think about your DGC - throw in well you has Christmas with just your DC now I'm a mother why can't I.

We had to go New year instead with first - that was the compromise we offered and ended up wishing we hadn't it wasn't worth a thank you all they did was moan and make a drama out of missing christmas day presnet opening. Year after they had a choice coming pre chrsitmas break or after and we got to avoid the long traveling in bad weather and actually had a break.

porthcurnick · 11/10/2012 13:15

More than upset - she just won't really accept it.

Don't get into it with her, she will have to accept it, what is she going to do, she can't come round and drag you to her house you are an adult.

"Mum, we are going to DH parents this year, it's time they had a turn. moan, moan. Well I'm sorry you feel that way mum, but we are going to see DH parents this year, it's time they had a turn. And repeat, over and over, do not get upset, do not argue, do not play her game, be the adult.

NapOfTheDamned · 11/10/2012 13:15

Remind DH you're pregnant and it's not a good idea to get into big confrontations and get upset and shakes, however satisfying it might be in theory to have a good go at your mum.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:15

Viviennemary - no but the thing is, we ARE going there for Xmas (I think) - the crazy thing is that she is being U even about the prospect of that!!!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 11/10/2012 13:16

Hmm, it sounds like your DH wants to rant at your Mum, but can't because that would be rude so he's trying to force you do to it for him. It won't help, it will not be for your benefit or to improve your relationship with your mother, it will be for his benefit. I'd point out that by trying to force you to do something you don't want to that you don't think will help is just as bullying as your mother, and you are now learning to stand up to your mum, so you're going t stand up to him too, if he wants to have a rant at your mum, he knows where the phone is.

CassandraApprentice · 11/10/2012 13:16

DH - look its sorted I've told Mum and Dad we aren't going over this year. end of drama.

Then change subject.

Viviennemary · 11/10/2012 13:17

I just saw your last post. I wouldn't bother giving them a piece of your mind. It never works. It didn't with my Mother. Try not to get into a dispute about it. Just say the decision is made. Without ins and outs of reasons and excuses. Easier said than done!

Viviennemary · 11/10/2012 13:18

Cross posts!!

brass · 11/10/2012 13:18

actually I think if it's been 7 years your DH and MIL have been more than understanding and patient.

Imagine if it was the other way round and your DH wasn't listening to you Hmm

DontmindifIdo · 11/10/2012 13:19

If she gets stroppy about you only going for a day, refuse to go for the day. And then do it.

It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to accept it, tough, you will physically leave on boxing day, you are an adult, she can't make you stay.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:19

Right. I am sorted. I am archiving this entire thread for a re-read this time next year!!!

I really do get a kick out of the way everyone makes it sound so easy - not because it is easy for me but because it makes me realise that she is being unreasonable and I don't need to feel guilty about that. A revelation!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:20

brass - I haven't said he's being unreasonable!!! Quite the opposite - I have said he is being extremely reasonable and understanding! Have just said that he is understandably keen to hear that his nemesis (my mum) has been told What For.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 11/10/2012 13:21

I would also say to your DH that your new tactic is to inform her of what you've agreed and not get into a conversation about who's right or wrong, and then this way there's nothing for her to argue with.

steppemum · 11/10/2012 13:22

emerald
I was warned by my mum years ago never to write things down as they can be used against you and most of the time she is right.

But when dealing with people who ride roughshod over you, I think it is helpful to have it in black and white. The secret is NEVER to address the tricky stuff (you don't listen to me, you are manipulative) but just to tell them VERY nicely what the plan is, then you can stick to it, and can't be accused of anything!

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:23

DontmindifIdo - I think I will have to say that. But he has little faith in me in this area (lots of faith in other areas!!) so I think he will still feel cheesed-off.

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:24

Yes steppemum - my old headmaster gave the same advice about letters and he was right!
But yes, I could write down the pure facts and not get into - you did this, you shouldn't have done that etc.

OP posts:
WhenLifeGivesYouLemons · 11/10/2012 13:24

Let him know that it won't solve anything and it will just escalate the situation. It'll also be sinking to your DM's level.

Also if your DH acts is quiet and dignified about it all then your mum can't use it as fodder in an argument.

EldritchCleavage · 11/10/2012 13:25

It ought to be easy though, and for most of us it is. You're only telling her you won't be with her on Xmas Eve and Boxing Day, not demanding she gives you a kidney. Your mother's expected reaction to this is abnormal.

Although it is a massive thing emotionally for you, it is quite a small thing in the great scheme of things, and I think keeping that perspective is helpful.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:25

FWIW I am really surprised that 99% of the replies in this thread have said DON'T confront her. I assumed everyone would say 'pick up the phone and go for it'!!!
Shows how wrong I was... Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 11/10/2012 13:27

Eldritch you have put that so perfectly, I might make it my screensaver. Seriously.
And yes, it isn't a big thing in the grand scheme. At ALL. I am totally buying into my mum's propaganda that the world will end for her if she doesn't have her DCs and DGCs around a table, happy and smiling, while she serves up a perfect turkey. (It never is perfect, btw. She's not even a good cook!!!!)

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 11/10/2012 13:28

Get him to help you write the e-mail, say you want to keep it as unemotive as possible because you're pretty sure it'll be shown to everyone else and you want your Dsis and Dbro to read it and say "perfectly reasonable mum, what are you making a fuss about?" Then he's involved in this.

Agree that as a couple you'll be united, being polite but not putting up with her shit. That as you won't be drinking on Christmas day, you'll agree that if she's difficult you'll up and leave.

He'll feel cheesed off because he doesn't think you'll stand your ground, but once you have, it'll get better, unless what he's really cheesed off about is he wants to give your mum a peice of his mind and he's trying to get you to say what he wants to say to her. Tell him he's free to call her himself and say what he thinks needs saying, but making it clear it's from him.

Woozley · 11/10/2012 13:29

You could just each go to your own parents on Christmas Eve then meet up again on 27th and do your own thing as a couple for the rest of Christmas and New Year.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons · 11/10/2012 13:29

Would confronting her change her manipulative nature? would she honestly turn around and say 'I can see I've been very unreasonable, just let me know what your plans are and I'll do my best to accommodate them?'

No

It will just make her think that she is in the right and that you are an ungrateful child (which you're not and you shouldn't be made to feel that way).

Confrontation will just leave a bitter taste in everyone's mouth