AIBU to speak to my parents about their Xmas expectations?

[emeraldgirl1]

Long, sorry.

DH and I have spent every one of the past 7 Xmas Days (since we were married) with my parents/family. This despite the fact that for 2 of those years we had planned to spend it with his mum instead and then - due to my (very very difficult) mum throwing a wobbly - changing our plans and just keeping my mum happy instead. (Yes, I do feel awful about this btw and know it wasn't fair or right)

Once again this year, my parents are assuming we are going to them; on hearing that we haven't decided yet (not even a flat-out no!!) they have started piling on the emotional pressure - mostly due to the fact that if we don't go it will 'only' be them with my brother, SIL and SIL's mum, who they don't get on with.

3 years ago the pressure was piled on because it was just going to be them with my sister and BIL, who they don't get on with.

I have tried to talk to them (well, my dad) in the past and told him that we do have DH's family to consider too (not to mention the fact that DH's parents are divorced which means there are TWO separate extra people to incorporate in our plans, IYSWIM). I have clearly got nowhere. Dad just blandly half-agrees (he is scared of my mum) and mumbles vague things about, "yes, it's obviously v tough) and Mum (on the one occasion I dared to raise it) went on a mini-rant about my MIL and how she never sends them Xmas cards etc etc (I think this means, in her eyes, that MIL does not deserve to have anyone with her for Xmas...)

I am stressing out to the point of tears this year because of this. I am pregnant and dreading this whole thing this time next year when obviously MIL and FIL are going to be even more unhappy about not getting to see us on Xmas Day as they will want to see the baby. MIL and my mum don't get on (obviously) so we would not even be able to have them both at our house next year - the stress would be too fucking awful to risk it.

My question is - AIBU to be considering calling my parents - my dad first probably, as he is more approachable even if useless - and having a very very stern word about this?

My trouble is that I recognise that - though they have been the unreasonable and unpleasant ones - I am the one who has allowed this to continue (apart from the occasional attempt to fix it) and so are they going to be rightly put out and upset that I am suddenly out of the blue saying that they can't carry on like this?

Or does that not really matter because I have absorbed their needs and highly selfish desires for years, to the detriment of my rel/ship with Dh and MIL who have both been very upset with me in the past about this? Is it absolutely time to tell my parents a few home truths?

Obviously my strategy would not actually be to call up and start accusing - I would if anything probably be too wimpy about it. Probably (seieng how I feel at the mo) I will cry and then they will just think I am being pregnant and silly. :(

Any advice would be HUGELY appreciated - I am sitting here torn between picking up the phone and getting this all off my chest, and not saying a word because I don't want them to get upset/angry. But I hate absorbing all this, especially now that I am pregnant.

Don't beat yourself up about allowing it to continue up until now. Just look at it as time to change things, especially as you will want to make your own Christmases for your child, with your new family.

You are a married adult who is going to have a baby. There is no rule on this earth that you have to spend Christmas with your family. You are AN ADULT and can do what the hell you like! Keep telling yourself that

Yes your mum will be angry, hurt, manipulative and mean. Her emotions are not your responsibility; you are in no way obligated to spend Christmas with her.

spuddybean - oh, no, she doesn't remotely realise that she is the common denominator! It is everyone else who is at fault!! :)

The crazy thing is that it is not even as if we can see MIL this year, she is away on Xmas Day so it would only be Xmas Eve or Boxing day that we would want to see her - but that will of course cut into my parents' 'time' and mean we have to escape leave their house earlier or come later than they want.

Because of this I am not sure if it is 'enough' just to tell them that we will 'only' be there for Xmas Day itself. Yes my mum will moan about Boxing Day etc but she will still get Xmas Day. That is kind of why I am wondering if I should say a bit more and make the point about my in-laws...?

But maybe I should leave it?

Won't stop me dreading next Xmas though, that is the trouble. :(

Sorry for seeking so much advice, I really don't know what to do here. This is all very helpful and thank you so so much.

I think if you mention your plans for next year really early, like this christmas then everyone will have a chance to get used to the idea.

Next year could you stay at home and have the inlaws over in the morning and your parents over in the afternoon?

I know that this misses the point, but could you book a cottage for Christmas and take your ILs with you, even if only for overnight. "Sorry mum, we've booked a holiday" may have less room for her to manoeuvre / manipulate than sorry but we're going to JDH's parents"

also, in the style of mumsnet, "no, I'm not discussing Christmas" is a sentence.

I think maybe I need a little daily dose of MN before I ever speak to my mother!!! God I wish I found it easier to be more upfront about the things I want/don't want!!! I've been emotionally bullied and manipulated by my mum for so long (and dad is an enabler) that all these things that sound so normal to most people just seem well-nigh impossible to me.

I would just calmly let them know your plans, and don't get drawn into any argument or debate on the subject. I wouldn't bother having a big confrontation over it. Don't play their game.

You are an adult, you are no longer subject to your parents wishes or demands. You don't have to justify any of your decisions to them, or worry about what they think of you.

I'm not clear whether you're going but just for the day or not going at all. Either way, use Trills' words.

Yes she will scream and moan and kick off but really, what's the worst that she can do? Make a bit of a fuss and a noise. No one is going to die. And if you don't start now (assume this is your first baby), then this is only going to get worse as IME, demanding/toxic parents up the ante 100fold once there are grandchildren to bicker over.

I like your "moany moan" post trills . Will be using that guide in the future with my own difficult relatives.

Well no she?s not going to like it and neither are you because she?s had years to practise making you feel bad. However, at some stage, you have to start standing up to them as hard as it is. It gets much easier though (if you need a bit of encouragement).

So, work out what you want and then work out how you get there. You don?t want to go to them for Christmas ? that?s your start and end point.

You don?t need to discuss it, - you just need to let her know what?s happening and then have a sharp exit strategy. She can only moan, harass and whine at you if you let her. I know it?s hard ? it?s taken me a looooong time to do this with my mother and even now if I?m feeling a bit under par she can slip through my defences. But, 99 per cent of the time, her manipulative crap just washes over me and I can see it for what it is.

I know it?s a bit cringeworthy but have you tried role playing the conversation with your counsellor? Sometimes that helped me. Broken record technique; just repeat what you?re going to do, don?t get drawn in, irrespective of what she says and then get off the phone! Good luck!

OK, so am I right in thinking that the general consensus is - DON'T call up for the Big Talk ie don't call up with a mental list of all the Very Important Things I want to say about being pushed around and made to take responsibility for everyone else's Xmas etc...?

But just to call and say this is what we're doing and leave it at that?

And then to get in asap with the Xmas plans for next year (despite the fact I have NO clue how to make it work next year)?

Aaargh, I still feel it is hard not to get some of this off my chest to them though.

I get on with my dad its not christmas woes from him but from my in laws.

my dad doesnt impose himself on us - but Its me - I feel guilty not having him, thinking of him sat alone on xmas day in his flat! But having him here means alot of extra stress and work ....

i have already said i dont want anything at all to do with DH famliy this year and I have stopped buying them all presents as well, ridiculous.

dh has same issues as you with his DM. dh is very shy and his DM v difficult.

REMEMEBER once you start to put your foot down IT BECOMES MUCH EASIER.

the first time - on such an emotive occasion as xmas WILL BE HARD.

she will kick up a fuss.

she will feel upset.

BUT she will get over it!!!!

take a deep breath - break the news in a calm but firm voice.....

personally i would avoid them for as much as possible over this xmas to start off the idea that you cant be there at xmas, then in the future - hopefully the attitude will eventually turn to being more grateful to see you at all and you can start to introduce more days....if you want too.

I know that this seems completely random but i'm a first aider at work. In first aid, you're taught to deal with the silent people first because they are more seriously injured / possibly not breathing and to leave the ones who are shouting or moaning or howling until afterwards as they are definitely breathing.

Next time you get your mum at full volume, have a look round to see if there's anyone in the room being silent and focus on them.....

DowagersHump at the moment we would be going for the day. Leaving my poor mother trapped with my brother's MIL and 'awful' wife for longer than she would like.

Well it's up to you how you want to do it :). But personally I find it's a waste of time having discussions with unreasonable/manipulative people, which is what your mum sounds like. So I'd keep it short and factual if it were me.

Tell her what your doing & get off the phone!

TBH, I´d be tempted to tell her that you´re busy for the next 7yrs

yes emerald - do not tell them list of things - definalty not - alot of people on threads like this - dealing with difficult people like your DM say -

if they were in any way able to be reasonable in the first place - you wouldnt need to say anything so what makes you think they will suddenly understand and listen now.

it might make you feel better....it might make you feel guilty.

from experience - i wouldnt bother just say not coming.,

I wouldn't mention what your plans are.

Just say no - I blamed the DC comming along - can'd do that now we have a baby, have to think whats best for baby.

Worked for 7 years - now they obvioulsy been trying to sell a big family Christams to the eldest .

Ephiny thank you. I am starting to see that point of view. Slightly worried though that I am just seizing on the chance not to have to say anything as I hate confrontation. I do see though that it could be useless, if not actually counter-productive.

elizaregina - you have really hit on something there. i think i would be MUCH happier if I felt that there was some level of gratitude/appreciation for the fact that we are coming at ALL under the circs, rather than anger because we're not coming for as long as they like. Honestly if there was a 'thank you' or something, that would take away 50% of my bad feelings immediately!

The rules are:

Decide what YOU want to do this year
TELL other people (don't ask their permission)
Don't explain
Don't justify
Don't apologise
Don't enter into any discussions

You are a grown up now. Do you want your children to have to treat their unreasonable grandparents with kid gloves and feeling this guilt like you do? If not, now is the time to change it for good.

Do not get involved in next year's Christmas plans yet as before you know it, you'll have made promises which cause you more bother. As you say, at the moment you have no idea how it's going to work and you can sort that out next year.

Your MIL is probably going away on Xmas day because she was expecting you not to see them then yet again. Make sure you go to your in laws next Xmas day when you have the baby, so she gets a turn at having you on XMas day.

Just imagine not rowing with her, but letting the rant wash over you. You probably know the kind of stuff she's going to come up with. Write a mental script of it then you can play Mum Rant Bingo during the phone call.

Imagine putting the phone down in front of you on a table and listening to the little squawks spluttering out of it as she strops away. Think about how little they really mean, in the great scheme of things because:
-you aren't actually being mean or unreasonable; and
-they aren't going to change anything; and
-she's not really desperately hurt, she just kicks off to oppress you and get her own way.

What will happen is that she will upset you, pushing your buttons as she always has. But you will get over that. And you will have done A Good Thing-stood up to your mother (good for you) and got the Xmas you want (good for you, DH and MIL).

eliza I think you're right, it would make me feel partly better and partly guilty. and my mum could get very nasty indeed (she does when she feels threatened) which would be awful as I have actually been appreciating her support (genuinely) since I have been pg. Though she is one of those people who can be v supportive as long as they are still getting what they want... :)

I feel for you OP, but just think that if your precious little baby is a boy maybe you will want to see him at Christmas......even when he's all grown up.