To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

If I've given her cause to judge, as in my own bitter and painful experience, then fair play - judge away.

Someone who can stomp over the feelings of others and ask if we can change our son's name as it sends her equally insensitive husband 'into a rage', can be deemed 'high maintenance' at the very least. And I will make it my mission to NEVER be such an insensitive hypocrite.

Bluegrass I think it is a new mother's perogative to call the shots on who stays immediately the birth (I say this as someone who is 35 weeks pregnant and has told my dp that I can't handle his mum staying until at least a week after birth, so my view is totally subjective!).

After I gave birth to dc1 I felt incredibly vulnerable, a physical and emotional mess, I was beyond tired, was getting to grips with breastfeeding, hobbling aruond due to stitches etc etc. My partner was brilliant, but I found the presence of mil and some other people very draining, and my dignity in my recovery undermined by it being somewhat 'public'. What's more mil would talk and talk to/at me (she talks about herself a lot) and it drove me to tears. She did do a lot to help and to 'nurse' me but I still felt invaded.

This time I want my mum and partner (and dd) there, and other people to visit for a couple of hours at a time then bog off again. I'm the one who will have just given birth, it has a huge physical and emotional impact. So I think it's right that I, rather than DP, should call the shots over who stays.

I don't disagree, just saying that from that point on there is a very clear difference in "status" between the GPs, and I think it can often continue long after the birth.

To be honest, it's easy when you're talking in the abstract to say 'oh when I'm a MIL I won't have a problem with the maternal Grandmother being more involved. I will be happy to stand back and wait to be invited' etc etc.

But often, when the baby actually arrives, people will feel very differently if they perceive they are being excluded, DGC smiles at maternal GM but makes strange at paternal GM etc.

"I won't allow myself to be sidelined in favor of the maternal grandmother, why should I, I would speak to my DS and say how I felt,"

But your DS might well side with his wife.

It's not within your gift to insist on not being sidelined.

Your best chance of that not happening is for your son and DIL to want you around.

People who are looking for a row, watching with a beady eye to make sure they get what they feel they deserve, and who have very definite ideas about how everything should be, tend not to be very popular.

If you want to be around a lot, your best strategy is to be someone they enjoy spending time with.

"I don't disagree, just saying that from that point on there is a very clear difference in "status" between the GPs"

But this assumes that one GP ends up with a better or different bond with the grandchild doesn't it? Which is not necessarily true. GP no1 (the new mum's mother) is there to support the new mother, not to score points regarding the grandchild.

There seems to be some belief that GM no2 won't have a special bond with their grandchild unless they can be there immediately after the birth but this is so untrue. GP no2 (using that phrase as it differentiates not because I actually believe there is a 1 and 2) will have plenty of opportunity to spend time with a grandchild and there's nothing special about being there constantly in the first weeks.

Ideally both sets of GPs get see their grandchild and fuss over the mum and then back off but it makes perfect sense to me that a new mum might want her own mother there to help rather than someon elses mother.

I agree Duieling, but one poster has said that if the wife does not want to leave the baby alone with the paternal grandparents, and feels like this for a few years, her dh should support her. Some DILs just take it too far and have to make some compromises. Not allowing loving grandparents to take the baby out for a walk or next door to show him off to the neighbours or whatever and carrying on like that for a few years would not be acceptable in my view.

I think it is entirely reasonable for the parents to decide when/whether to leave their children alone with someone else.

People vary enormously in when they feel ready to do that.

I don't think it is reasonable to refuse to allow paternal grandparents (unless there is a specific issue for concern) to spend any time alone with their grandchild for several years. That is just not a normal attitude in my opinion and deeply hurtful to the grandparents.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and it's not fair. As a DIL with a one year old, I think I can explain why you just have to accept the status quo (if you really want to know).

DIL tend to be close to their mums regarding birth and babies because they're the same gender and can share the madness as women together. That's why it doesn't translate that boys should be closer to their mums too. If anything, becoming a dad is an experience that would bring a man closer to his dad. Unfortunately that's just the way it works. And MIL do have to wait to be invited just a little bit more. That said, if you have raised your boys to appreciate women of compassion and grace (and set an example of that), you can count on your DIL making the effort with you. Another thing to think about is that pregnancy and motherhood take a very physical toll on women, who could be said to have 'earned' the right to a bit of mothering themselves at this time. Of course they will want their own mothers to do it, meaning that the home will be slightly more open to her side of the family at that time. If you want to be more than an honoured guest, you will have to get the marigolds out as your DIL is probably not going to show you her sore nipples unless you've fostered a very good relationship with her up to this point (which is unlikely, given how 'tit for tat' your attitude seems to be!). As this is a time when your sons will be under a lot of strain, they might value your husband's support and wisdom at such a time. You're in a good position to second whatever valuable advice he can give!

This issue seems to make you feel defensive and vulnerable. I'd like to point out that women marrying into a family often feel incredibly vulnerable, and many MIL don't behave well at this time. Make sure you do! (And don't try to suggest your sons should be just as close to you as their wives are to their own mums...it will only lead to bloodshed!).

An afterthought: I've often thought that MIL whose DIL have a terrible relationship with their own mothers sometimes benefit from that sadness because there is a space for them to mother as well as grandmother.

I would have thought that loving grandparents would have no problem spending time with their grandchildren.

Seriously if you are kind and supportive and welcoming most DILs will meet you more than halfway.

Sorry, just realised that first paragraph ending with 'if you really want to know' sounds a bit blunt...no offense intended :)

Some mils are nice but even the nice one's can deliberately or accidentally make their daughters in law feel like shit about being a mother. It's like weeing on a tree.

Giving birth and the aftermath is not a nice experience, in general.
The first few weeks seem to involve a lot of nakedness, painful weeing, blood, hobbling and tears. Both sets of parents would have had to stay with us - neither set live near enough to 'pop in'.
It's not because I don't like my MIL, it's that I'm not comfortable with someone I actually don't know that well seeing me in that state. To be fair, I wasn't that comfortable with my own parents seeing it either. It's just that I was more comfortable with them than anyone else. By contrast, DH was functioning normally, was dressed, could pee without weeping quietly, and so had no issue having people he's not totally familiar with staying in the house.
When DH is the one who has been through it (if he were to have an operation, say) then his Mum can come and stay. When it is DH stumbling around semi-dressed and wondering what the hell has happened to his body then it will be of course his mother he will need, and she will be welcome, as I will mostly be dressed and cool, calm and together.
The first bit of time is not about spending time with the baby to establish a bond, it's about keeping new Mum sane while her body puts itself back together.
After that, it shouldn't make much difference which side the GP's come from.

People just tend to get silly with babies and the poor baby has no choices!
You may possibly be no.2 Granny before they can walk and talk, but once they can do both those they make their own relationships with grandparents. Quite probably they are both equal, but different-they may favour one if they get on better with one but it isn't anything that a parent can control. As I DC I wasn't remotely interested in my mother's relationship with people-it had nothing to do with me-I favoured my maternal grandfather above all others.
You have to be relaxed about it-whether the mother or the MIL -and don't crowd them. The baby won't remember and you have years to make a relationship.

Oh yes, the mothers in law who won't leave, who knock on the bathroom door, who can't take a hint even when you're doubled over aaahhhhggg yes.

Your mother is a MIL too-my DH gets on well with mine but he wouldn't want her at the birth or with us all the time.

babybythesea, that's exactly what I was trying to say :)

The problem is also alot to do with the GP perception of themselves.

My DF is elderly - disbled - has a weak bladder - and yet cannot see that he is un suitable to take my DD anywhere alone.

If they go to the play park after 20 mins he will need to pee.

I do not allow him to be alone with my DD out and about, I wouldnt even leave him to baby sit in the house in case he had a heart attack.

I love my DF alot!!! BUT he cannot see how unsuitbable he is to baby sit.

Having said that - he doesnt push or ask either.

I am sure his feelings are hurt a bit but its tough.

PILS On the other hand did have DD alone for 99% of the time, and she came back miserable, shell shocked - not herself, and MIL with her cleaning obsession would wash her - even if she was there for only a few hours!

Again, they see themselves as wonderful people, who are so kind and amazing inspite of a very expensive therapist telling them otherwise re their son.

MIl talks as if DD is wild about her - but when I saw them together at a family do, DD didnt go up to MIL ONCE, NOT ONCE. Yet she had just spent a week there due to us being v ill!

a little humilty would go a long way!

Someone once posted on here that they couldn't imagine their DH wanting his MIL to visit and hang around for ages after he had the snip. I can see what they mean.

In your case Eliza there are issues as to why you wouldn't leave the baby alone with grandparents. My father, in the last few years before he died, was very unsteady on his feet, slept a lot, wouldn't have been able to lift a child etc. It would not have been possible to leave a child on their own with him even though he adored his grandchildren and was a wonderful grandfather. My mother, however, is very fit and capable and well able to bring a small child to the shops, change a baby's nappy and so on. She would be extremely hurt if my sil had refused to ever allow her to mind her DGC or take them on an outing anywhere. Luckily my SIL is lovely and would never have behaved like that.

airforceone Well, done. Yours is possibly the most patronising post on the thread......as a DIL with a one year old......that really made me laugh.

As a DIL with 3 DCs, I call bullshit on your whole post. There is more to having children than the birth, you needing your mother there isn't the issue.

Oh and why can't a son be as close to his DM as his wife is to her DM, how on earth would that cause bloodshed.

You have proven the OP to be totally correct

And MIL can really be dreadfully insensitive because they're like excited children at a time when the DIL's own mother tends to be concerned and soliticious about her own child as well as well as very excited. This care for DIL is crucial because it has a knock-on effect on the baby's health. IMO you should stop thinking about how you might not get a fair deal as a grandparent, and start thinking about what your DIL will be going through to give you the gift of a grandchild. I think they've earned the right to call the shots a bit.

After the birth of my DD, I was unable to walk unaided (severe SPD) and was on a complicated timetable of painkillers that only DH seemed to understand. I was trapped upstairs and in excrutiating pain. MIL came to 'help' when our baby was a few days old (cue pushing the pram up and down the street taking photographs, and ironing, which was wonderful). She saw that I was reliant on for DH for everything including toileting and food (every movement was agony but he was really gentle and careful). I left the house once in the first month, and then it was to be carried down the stairs by paramedics, to get into an ambulance on a stretcher.

Despite having had the opportunity to observe our desperate circumstances at first-hand, she and FIL harassed the socks off us a few days later, when DH refused to take our two and a half week old baby to a family dinner (60 miles away), held in honour of DH's hot-shot asset-something-or-other brother who had 'flown in for the evening'. When DH explained that it wasn't fair either to take the baby so far away or to leave me alone in the house for so long, they replied that they'd assumed I wouldn't want to come and anyway, I clearly was able to leave the house since I had managed to get into an ambulance?? They felt their 'rights' as grandparents were being overridden. Watch and learn, OP!

IKilledIgglePiggle...it was a little tongue in cheek if I'm honest. But I really don't care about being patronising. The OP was asking questions she should really know the answers to. And if I was her DIL, I would be playing a very different tune.

My mil is great. I have a much more natural and happy relationship with her than I do my dm.