To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

Oh well you're 34 and you have babies. I'm staring 50 in the eye and have older teenagers. I get on brilliantly well with DS1s girlfriend but there's no way we are friends or ever likely to be.

You are worrying about something that may never happen. You don't even get on with your own MIL. Ask yourself why that is and make sure you behave differently

I'm not. I'm v rational in real life. But I feel that my brother, my rl experiences and a lot o threads on mn make depressing reading for future mil. I genuinely don't think it is something you can understand if you have a dd.

"the worst stereotypes of DIL - that the mil is not entitled to any expectation of friendship from the woman that loves her son."

Nobody is entitled to expect friendship from anyone.

It has to be freely given on both sides.

My MIL is not my friend, she's my MIL. I like her very well, and despite myself I do get involved in reminding my husband to ring her/that it's her birthday/that we should visit.

She's an amazing grandmother and I wish my DDs saw more of her.

But friends? No, although my parents might count her a friend and vice versa.

What bothers me is if ds marries someone with "fun" parents. I know a woman whose son's in-laws are loaded (yacht, third homes etc) and even worse, super-fun so that she is the old, boring granny in the pokey house who is a chore to visit. This is a bit of a fear lurking at the back of my mind!

I don't understand your worry although I understand that you are worried. I don't have any daughters and there aren't any girls in the extended family either.

I understand that while you have young children they are the centre of your world and you can't imagine ever being anything other than the centre of theirs. That would be unhealthy if applied to an adult child. If you are friendly, welcoming and supportive there is no reason why you should have any problem.

OP, for someone with very young children you sound far too worried about something that will happen in the dim and distant future! And as a previous poster has said, be prepared for a possible son-in-law, instead of a DIL.

My experience: my MIL has only boys, and is absolutely brilliant. I see her with or without DH, as since she's retired she can come over during the week to see DD and me - ok, mostly DD! I never get a word in, toddlers eh

She is genuinely loved by pretty much everyone - she keeps in touch with BIL's ex-girlfriends and counts them as friends. BIL is fine with this, btw! BIL's first girlfriend is now practically one of the family, and DH counts her as the sister he never had.

I realise that she's probably quite a unique person in this respect. However, my mother, who is more reserved and potentially more opinionated, is also a wonderful MIL to my SIL. She thinks SIL is fantastic (I'm sure the feeling is mutual), and when/if DB and SIL have children I hope that she will continue to respect boundaries (as she did with me) and offer valuable love and support when needed. I'm sure she will.

My MIL isn't my friend, she's DH's mother and DS's grandmother and she's bloody great at both jobs. I like her, I respect her, however, she's not my 'friend'.

I think Maternal Grandmothers are often seen as getting away with more as normally, their 'bad' behaviour are trates that their DD has seen them doing growing up, have learned how to deal with them and the expectation of what is and is not acceptable has been taught over the DD's life. However, when a MIL displays similar bad behaviours, if the DIL hasn't been raised to see them as acceptable, she won't and will be more likely to call her MIL on it, when if her mum did the same thing, she's less likely to think of it as bad behaviour if that's always been the way her mum's behaved IYSWIM (I think I've worded that very badly!)

op if it makes you feel better I don't post on MN about how awful my MIL is as we get on and I quite like her and look forward to making her a gma one day.

My FIL on the other hand....

Expectation that you will both try to be friends. Of course you may have a terrible personality clash.

Oh well perhaps I am a naive Pollyanna. Or perhaps I am have some deep undealt-wth sadness about not having a daughter. We have decided not to have any more kids.

The thing is, you can't force a relationship. Your DIL will know and most likely trust and feel at ease around her own parents. She may in time come to feel the same way about you too. Until she does though you are on a hiding to nothing if you think that challenging dil and/or demanding 'equal rights as a grandparent' is going to get you anywhere other than disliked. Be calm, be friendly, be understanding. I honestly would not mind waiting a couple of weeks to see a grandchild if DIL felt that she wanted space etc. I would not care that her own mum might be visiting daily. Don't expect alone time with grandchildren etc. DIL might take years to feel ok about doing this. If your ds is sensible them he won't risk rocking his marriage by pressurising an understandably anxious first time mum to do anything with regard to her dc that she does not feel 100% happy about. Be cool and your DIL will have a decent relationship with you.

"I genuinely don't think it is something you can understand if you have a dd. "

I only have a son. I won't have any more.
I don't assume that any future DIL will hate me. I don't assume that any DIL will want me under her feet either. I hope my DS will always put the needs of his family before mine while still considering me, but then I don't expect that I will be expecting to have my own way when it comes to being around his family.

LettyAshton - my parents arrive with gifts for DS everytime they see him and have holiday homes we can visit, but they are hard work, so DS sees more of MIL and adores her. I also remember that the grandmother I enjoyed visiting was the one in the council house with nothing but we made scones and played with old toys, dug up the garden and had fun, my other grandmother 'came from old money' and wasn't anywhere near as much fun. We saw them both about the same (probably every other week) it was poor granny I adored. Children see though the 'stuff' crap much more than adults.

Partridge:

"I agree eldrich as you will see from the majority of my posts. It does sadly seem that the dil runs the agenda a lot of the time

Do you think this goes for both sexes duelling? I tend to think the maternal gm get away with far far more. "

I have been at work this morning and this thread has gone mad.
But, I think there are good reasons for what you said in the two separate posts above.

1). The DIL probably does run the agenda, although I don't like the term 'gatekeeper' that keeps cropping up. I think this results when the son essentially hands over responsibility for keeping in touch to his partner. This is what my DH has done. It wasn't new - after he left home he travelled for five years or so - his parents heard from him three times during that period. When we got married and I met them (they live overseas) I decided that they were lovely people and I wanted them involved as much as possible, especially when DD came along. I do all the contacting. I'm not the gatekeeper, but if we were to fall out they'd all but lose contact with dd, not because I forbade contact (I wouldn't do that - they are wonderful grandparents) but because DP is a useless arse. It's not entirely aimed at his parents - when he goes away for work he never calls me - it's just how he is. He was brought up in a family where women did all that family stuff so he doesn't see it as his role (and to be honest, this is the least of my problems with his 'traditional' up-bringing). Bring up a son who is capable of picking up the telephone or emailing all by himself and that gatekeeping issue will vanish. I run the agenda because if I didn't, it wouldn't get run, and MIL wouldn't have a big portrait of herself by DD hanging on her wall. I organised the painting of it, the sending of it etc.

2. My Mum does not get away with more. But if there is a problem between us I tell her straight - I don't post on here asking for advice. If MIL and I ever fell out then I'd be worried about the aftermath, the implications for DD in terms of contact (especially with DH being crap) etc and be on here asking for advice. I've had far more falling outs with my mum than with MIL but I know that underlying that is a loving relationship where we can talk frankly, and get cross, without it having long term effects. I don't have that history with MIL.

It's a tough one, all i know is that i have alot of male cousins and their mums (my aunts) are very involved with their grandchildren. So it doesn't really ring true that all mums of boys don't get a look in.

I do think it's different with boys, they go off & do their own thing when they grow up, the majority don't want to go shopping with their mum's or go for coffee with them, whereas the majority of daughter's do. It's just genetics, nothing personal, and every man i know still loves their mother dearly & still goes to their mum's house for a sunday roast or dinner or a cup of tea, just not as frequently as a daughter would.

If i'm ever a MIL, i'm pretty sure we'd be friends, i'm very tolerant and i love people. I'd like to think we'd go for the odd coffee or the odd meal and build a good friendship before GC's came along. I'd also expect her to want to be around her own mum more, it's her mum. I'm exactly the same with my mum.

Yes blister I can see that point. It is different.

Obviously dueling - but shouldn't the maternal mil extend the same courtesy to her sil (immediate birth notwithstanding)? This is where I believe the inequality lies - nobody has suggested that on this thread so far.

"Expectation that you will both try to be friends. Of course you may have a terrible personality clash

Well MIL and I don't have a personality clash. If she wasn't my MIL, and I had got to know her in a a different way, I can imagine being her friend

My family all adore her. She's really great fun. :)

But she's my husband's mother and my daughters' grandmother and that just seems to take precedence.

Distance definitely has an impact here - we stay in her house twice a year, there's no casual dropping by.

But I hope I'm a passable DIL. I certainly want her to be as big a part of our lives as possible.

I can see sons are a different breed, they phone for a chat once a week, do forget birthdays etc but if I text them or their sisters do then they are right back at us and if there's an emergency( we have had a lot this year) then they are home like a shot..

Dds are younger but love the gossip and shopping/ hot chocs and I think that is just how most mother sons relationships are.

I hope I will be as friendly, welcoming and as involved as good manners and common sense dictates to my future dils, and yes I hope we will be friends as well as family.

I am determined to be a lovely MIL and I am already well into trying to be. I only have sons and I've always tried to consider that any girl I meet (friend or girlfriend) might end up being my DIL. So far I've got on fine with the girls that have been longterm girlfriends. And I miss one ex a lot, nobody considers how hard it is when you have established a great relationship and then suddenly without warning that person is out of your life (clearly this happens with the Exs of either gender child).

I knew I had to be extremely cautious because of witnessing the terrible relationship between my mother and my brother's wife. They are 2 perfectly normal women and I can see fault on both sides (pretty equally) that has led to a really sad relationship. And one that affects the entire extended family.

I hope for the following:-

1. that I become a mil one day
2. that I always manage to hold my tongue, and NOT criticise or judge, or make ANY hurtful comments regarding the decisions of my sons and their partners
3. that I never make people feel they have to tread on egg shells around me
4. to realise that my way is NOT the only way to do something

To add I have read some truly shocking threads on here of mils staying during labour and delivery( unasked and unwanted) and pushing their way into wards and houses to grab the baby and 'take over'

I think this is a case of gross rudeness and entitlement from anyone, mother or mil, I certainly would never visit a new baby unasked and never force my way in anywhere... Grand child or not I would wait to be invited.

Well said jdub.

I think you see a key difference immediately after a DIL gives birth. From my experience if the DIL wants her mum there and wants to get her mum involved as much as possible her DH is required to support this, even if his own opinion is that she is overbearing and annoying and he's rather she F off out of the house and leave them alone!!

Conversely of course, if the DH wants his own mum involved, staying over etc then it is usually tough luck unless she has a fantastic relationship with his wife. He is usually left waiting for "permission" to get his own parents involved in a way that his DW won't feel she has to.

I guess that situation can easily be interpreted as granny 1 and granny number 2 if you want to think of it as a hierarchy.

Yes but jdub, what if your DIL judges you and you have to walk on egg shells around her, which is pretty much th OPs point, it shouldn't all be one sided.

My statement about not allowing myself to be granny no2 just means that I won't allow myself to be sidelined in favor of the maternal grandmother, why should I, I would speak to my DS and say how I felt, if that makes an awful MIL to be then so be it.

"Obviously dueling - but shouldn't the maternal mil extend the same courtesy to her sil (immediate birth notwithstanding)? This is where I believe the inequality lies - nobody has suggested that on this thread so far."

I think if the son-in-law finds his mil to be intrusive and over-bearing then yes, he has as much right to feel pissed off. However I do think that there are some situations where a daughter needs their mum (giving birth/after labour would be one) and that a husband should consider his wife's needs when it comes to stuff like that. That parents to be should talk over what they expect and what they are comfortable with and a decision should be made by them after fair discussion and without the involvement of the grand-parents.

What some in-laws (and some parents) end up doing is putting what they want over the needs of their children/sil/dil etc. This is where troubles begin.

I think grandparents in general (or mil/parents where there are no grandkids) should keep opinions to themselves unless expressley asked, should stand back and wait to be invited and should do so with good grace.