To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

I totally agree with one of the posters - the key is to make a friendship outside of the son. Then when the baby is born just don't make demands
or give advice. Go through your son and ask him what is needed and make it plain that they must state if you are out of line.
It's a difficult path - just lower your expectations and you'll be fine!

Very true- if you started a thread about toxic mothers it would be full in no time- plenty of women have huge problems with their own mother.

Well said halloweeneyqueeney

I think the OP sounds a bit down generally and is in hospital by the sound of it so having time to over think things and get herself down about something that really isn't worth worrying over for years or decades yet!

Have you read Joanna trollope's Daughters in Law. It's about a mother with three sones and her DiL.

Not in hospital now but v prone to over thinking .

I agree with the point about people not coming on to say how great their mil is. What alarms me is the volume of totally unreasonable people who post on a thread that usually starts with a legitimate mil gripe. Lots of them come wading in criticising their own mil for wanting to touch their precious child/love their own son etc. I think we all know them.

Yes l agree she does and it brings to mind a very good saying someone said to me the other day when l was being pessimistic about an unknown outcome.

She said ' Well lets not run up the path to greet trouble halfway ' or ilk.

l thought yes that is very true and could even become a mantra of mine if only l could remember it properly.

Why don't you get on with your own MIL OP? I'd be interested

I have sons. If they find partners, have children etc I just hope we all get along reasonably well. I would just play things by ear and see how they go.

remember OP, your son's can have as many girlfriends/wives over the course of their lives, but they will only ever have one mum. you'll always be in their life and very important to them, even in the unlikely event that you don't get on with DIL.

also, nobody will ever love your sons as much as you do, it's not possible. gently remind them of that when they are teens

as i said earlier, i would make friends with my son's girlfriend (if i had a son) i'd love to go for coffee, lunch, have the odd say shopping etc.. that comes naturally to me as a person anyway. i would imagine that if you were friend with your DIL before any kids come along, you'll always be friends and she will likely come to you for advice and always welcome you with open arms.

i think the MIL's who have trouble, are the ones who don't bother to get to know DIL's before kids come along, the ones who don't appear to keen to have anything to do with you but then want to take over or interfere once kids come along.

"What alarms me is the volume of totally unreasonable people who post on a thread that usually starts with a legitimate mil gripe."

What alarms me in the sheer volume of threads just like this that are basically saying that women are such bitches you dread your son marrying one.

I hope my girls marry men with nice mothers.

I don't know if this is a comfort, but the MIL's/DM's that are a pain in the bum tend to have warning signs a mile high and are not only nasty to their DIL's/DS's but to everyone else too.

Again, it sounds like this isn't something that you have to worry about. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and make a considerable effort to be polite. You'll be a sound MIL

Oh hello Partridge - you're back ! we were just talking about you - all good though .

Thanks for saying l sound lovely btw - l do my best.
Oh and on that note - l am a m-i-l too so that's another nice most of the time one for your list.

I am actually an ex m-i-l x 2 passed my relationship skills onto both my DCs obviously and l am still on good terms with both my ex d-i-l and ex son-i-l and l didnt take sides when they split from my own DCs either.

Plus just to make you feel even better , l still see my DSs two DDS as often as distance allows and as much as l did before their parents split up and l am sure that is largely due to my stance mentioned above. It may be very temting to take your own DCs side in a break up but doesnt bode well for future when DGCs are involved.

Am pretty sure all in all you'll be fine

"also, nobody will ever love your sons as much as you do, it's not possible. gently remind them of that when they are teens."

:o

Yeah, that's the route to emotionally healthy men. :o

Why do we never have FILS complaining?

Peppermint you'd love to have coffee with a DIL if you had one? And go shopping...but she'd never love your son as much as you.

Riiiiiight.

Probably too scared to

Only joking OP it's ok - as you were !

I think you can love someone as much as their parents/children whatever but just in a different way.

My DH and l have both said we love each other as much as we do our own children and some people are outraged by that as if we somehow dont love our own children as much as them or as much as we should. It's just a different kind of love and is such a 'total' emotion that you cant really differentiate in strength from one sort to another

That's just in my/our opinion of course.

• as much as they love theirs - that should have read.

Agree suda, the whole measuring love thing to prove how devoted you are to your kids creeps me out a little.

love should not be conditional imo.

Jins, I think I wrote a pretty comprehensive list of her "qualities" up thread. It is interesting though because my husband is lovely. Emotionally intelligent, warm, compassionate, prone to sentimentality. They are a different species.

She has at various times told me (and more often him behind my back) that I have married a meal ticket, am an extravagant wife, fat, that she hates the name of our youngest ds etc.

She is so negative, judgemental and critical that I find her company for more than a hour utterly joy-murdering. She would like dh to be married to hazel Irvine. Not a slightly chaotic, slightly fat but very loving toff (in her words).

I have tried - for nearly 10 years - but as my husband says, she just isn't a very nice woman. It makes me . I'd love a lovely, involved mil. When I asked her to take the baby for a walk last time she was here while I prepared for ds1 party she said she would rather not.

I actually feel v disloyal venting about her like this. Despite everything she must have done something right because she produced my wonderful dh. I'm paradoxically (sentimentally?) rather fond of her. Go figure.

Another example if her personality is that when dh was very ill he was offered a drug trial to improve his quality of life. She refused as she didn't want her neighbours to see an ambulance pulling up in their cul-de-sac. Very typical of her. She also didn't tell dh his dad had died. When he rang her the next day she said;

"will you be coming to the funeral then?"

Sorry her dh, not mine!

OP, you will probably be fine as a future MIL so long as you are not the type of woman who places the burden of her identity completely on the shoulders of her children/grandchildren, or who expects her adult children and her grandchildren to be her sole source of entertainment and social life in retirement.

My MIL is exactly that type of woman, and she is exhausting. I didn't think women like her actually existed until I met her. Things that have seriously irked me have ranged from:

1. Showing up at my house unannounced and proceeding to criticize the way it's kept. It is DIL's house - a fellow grown woman's - not just DS's, and the adult son is not a boyish extension of MIL, but actually a grown man.

1. Calling constantly. Constantly. Every two days. Whining to my DH as soon as he picks up the phone that he "never" calls her (at that rate, why would he?). And if there is no answer on the landline, she tries his mobile. And if there is no answer on his mobile, she then tries the landline again.

1. Whining that she is bored and alone all day at home while her husband works, but refusing to do anything pro-active about it - like sign up for volunteer work or maybe a painting class - because "oh but I have low confidence" and "oh but I can't go all the way to the bus stop at the end of the road, the walk is too long" and "oh but it's too late for me to learn how to drive". She is constantly negative.

1. Demanding - literally demanding - to have her grand-daughter sleep over hers during a school holiday and then throwing a shitfit when we informed her that actually, we didn't need Grandma to babysit this time, as we'd taken time off work to look after our own kiddo ourselves.

1. Threatened to call my DH's ex-wife during said shitfit, and ask ex-W if MIL could see DSD ... unless DH started bringing DSD around to MIL when MIL wanted.

1. Belittling me (her DIL!) when I backed my husband up during a parenting argument. And told me I would "understand" someday when I had my own kids why my MIL spoils DSD and my niece. She did this because I pointed out that her grand-daughters don't love her because Grandma lets them rule the roost - they love her because MIL is their grandmother, full stop.

1. Little interferences - as if she's trying to be the mom instead. Showing up at my DSD's 6th birthday party (at our house) with a cake, seeing the cake we got her (because we didn't ask MIL to bring a cake), and then saying "oh you already got her a cake, did you?" Listening to me say I was going to buy DSD some warm-weather PJs for a summer holiday abroad, and then going out to buy them herself before I could get a chance to. Buying DSD a skimpy, completely inappropriate bikini, even though she knew DH would never let her wear it and would order that it be returned. Doing things like cutting DSD's food, dressing her, brushing her teeth for her, putting on her shoes for her - even though DSD should absolutely do these things herself.

Respect cuts both ways. My MIL can be generous - she is very generous with her time WRT babysitting DSD whenever we need her, and she is very generous with her money as well. But she is also extremely self-absorbed, highly critical of others, and hyper-sensitive to criticism if DH tries to tell her enough is enough. She has some very valid needs for adult companionship and friendship, but she is too lazy to fulfil those needs properly and continues to try and burden her adult children and grandchildren with those needs.

The short version is: get your own life and be a well-adjusted adult; acknowlege your boys (daft as they might seem) are grown men. Treat their households with the same respect you'd expect from anyone else. Your DILs will probably like you just fine.

But probably I'm afraid that whilst I see lots of what you are saying about your mil as unreasonable I'm afraid you also come across as very combative - looking for problems and attributing the worst possible motives to someone who genuinely seems rather vulnerable an lonely. And this is why worries me.

It's easy for me to say as I'm sure that cumulatively these things understandably get you down - but she seems to love her gc - yes maybe she is a bit indulgent but you seem determined to call her on every last thing. Why is it not feasible that she is low on confidence? I have suffered depression and believe me the idea of getting out of bed in the morning, or even attending to personal hygiene was overwhelming. I couldn't have contemplated getting a job.

Equally why can't a mother and son speak every day? Perhaps he doesn't want to - but it is not intrinsically weird. I speak to my mother several times a day and because I am a woman nobody judges this.

I just implore DIL of now and the you're to be kind. That's all.