To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

And igglepiggle I find your attitude v refreshing. I sometimes find in rl that parents of mixed families seem less involved with their sons. It is like they have the "luxury" of relying on their daughters for the future.

Disclaimer: I also have a useless brother who is crap with my mother.

@partridge I agree that after the first couple of weeks there should be no difference.

Just a point about no2 grandma. You are only no2 grandma if you let yourself be. If you consider being asked round after the DILs parents to make you no2 grandmas then you will be no2 grandma. If you consider DIL using her family christening gown/crib mattress(!yes for real) instead of yours to make you no2 grandma then it will. But if you choose not to fuss about these things then it just doesn't matter does it? You are making it hard for yourself otherwise.

I've just written a long post about my mil then deleted it. All I need to say is that, although she is essentially a kind person with a good heart, our relationship is difficult (from my point of view, not sure what she thinks!), and for ALL the stereotypical mil-dil reasons: interfering, judging, thinking sun shines out of dp's arse etc.

It perplexes me a great deal why/how so many mil-dil relationships seem to be like this. It can't just be about individual personalities surely? That would be too much of a coincidence- there are too many common factors. I can't help but think that there must be something about the mother-son and then mil-dil dynamic that can often lead to these clashes and difficulties.

And I really want to figure it out before my son grows up. There can be very few women who set out to be a difficult mil and it's something I desperately want to avoid.

cheers gasguzzler, but I pinched it from Don'tMindIfIdo. I thought it was extremely sensible. There's a lot of borrowing trouble going on here.

PropertyNightmare - abosolutely. When you set it up as a MIL so that you see it as being in competition with the other grandmother, you are turning it into a game with "winners" and "losers". Just appreciate your child, your DIL and your GCs FGS without comparing what you think you get with what you think someone else is getting.

OP "Therefore providing my sons are not feckless, useless bastards and I'm not the mil from hell and give dil some space after the birth I should be ok?"*

YES! That is, unless you are thinking of your potential DIL as someone from another species who will act differently from any other normal person. And don't blame her for something for which your son is responsible.

IgglePiggle: "but in no way will any future DIL come between me and my wonderful boys"

Er, hate to say this, but can't you just see someone on MN posting that this is what their mil said and all the other posters piling in and agreeing that she sounds like an interfering old bag and should butt out?

My MIL is nice, she's a bit depressed (and cries a lot) which I find confusing and awkward, and it's hard to have a conversation with her. I'm also going to have the first GC in their family! So I am working very hard to keep communication open and to not take offense at her odd behavior.

She is a lot nicer than my Dm, but she's not a generous or socially skilled.

I am going to have them down after the birth, but not right away. She likes to say she wants to help, but when you ask her to do something, she doesn't actually do it. She often does the opposite. Which again, I find confusing, so I don't ask too much.

the intolerance is only shown to MILs who over-step the line and you really are only going to read about the worst ones on here.

I think as long as you are honest and open with your DILs and you don't expect to be under their feet all the time (unless invited) then you will be fine.

What I find remartkable is the amount of involvement some parents expect to have with their grown children's lives. Surely part of being a parent is sending your children (male and female) out into the world to be able to live independent lives with whoever they choose to shack up with?

Too many parents want to see their adult offspring on a daily basis, too many grandparents want to have 'alone time' with their grandchildren. Too many parents think that it's normal to want to see their grandchildren alone and against the wishes of their parents. Too many parents continue to think of their adult children as if they are still babies/children.

I try really hard with my MIL. She is quite often hypercritical and a total cowbag. However, she's like this with DH as well, so I guess it's just who she is. I'll probably never have a daughter now and I occasionally get the odd pang that I won't have a close relationship with my sons that I have with my mother. Having said that, I have lots of female friends who can't bear spending time with their mothers. So I guess it's all just down to chance, personality, etc. I figure if I just focus on having a lovely relationship with DSs and bring them up to be decent well rounded men, they will probably make wise choices with regard to who they want to settle down with, and so long as I don't act like a dick I would hope that everything will be as harmonious as possible.

Do you think this goes for both sexes duelling? I tend to think the maternal gm get away with far far more.

A lot of MIL/DIL problems that I see come from MILs wanting to bulldoze their way into the new family, especially as a competition with the maternal grandmother.

And wanting to be your prospective DILs friend is an unrealistic expectation. Why not just focus on being a loving MIL, because that is what you will be. Before our wedding DH said to me that he will be getting not just a lovely wife for himself but a daughter for his parents . I soon put him right of course - I wasn't looking for parent substitues, I have my parents thank you very much they will just be my in-laws. Statements like that will only get backs up.

Can I boast about my sadly now departed mil...

She had 5 kids, first at 17 and last at 25( my dh)

She was funny, kind, generous, treated me like a daughter even tho she had 3 of her own, never interfered and always gave (if asked) cheerful helpful guidance stressing how well I was doing as a new mom.

I now have 4 kids lads 23 and 21 and girls 13 and 12 and hope that if I become a mil I will be like her.

Always interested but never entitled.

I don't want to be a mother to a potential DIL but I think it is ridiculous and depressing that two grown women can't aspire to be friends. I hope my DIL are more mature.

"Why should I expect to be granny no2, it's not happening."

You will be whatever number granny your son and his wife decide.

If you start off with that combative attitude you might find yourself relegated to Granny no.3.

Blisterpack, my ils said just this at our wedding and I thought it was lovely, I did gain 2 parents in my eyes and was treated like a daughter.

Can't see how that got your back up.

Plus blisterpack you are reinforcing the worst stereotypes of DIL - that the mil is not entitled to any expectation of friendship from the woman that loves her son. I will bend over backwards to follow the rules but I will not totally subjugate myself and let a DIL treat me like shit. I would tackle that head on.

OP when your boys are old enough to be marrying you will see exactly why friendly is better than being friends. How many real friends have you got that are twenty five years older than you?

Plenty. Including the godmother of my youngest. Because we are all grown ups. I am not looking for a BFF to swap sex tips with. Mature friendship is much more than that. I am 34 btw so not a desperate old bint trying to be down with the kids.

"I tend to think the maternal gm get away with far far more."

why do you think that and in what way? What do maternal grandmothers get away with more?

I have 3 DS also (and 2 DD). I also have nightmare MIL. She wanted me to abort DD1 and has been hideous. However years later we are reasonably friendly and she has always seen the kids/us. I defo agree that if you are nice to DIL you should be fine. Don't just treat her as a brood mare. MIL admitted that she was lonely when DH left (she was married!) and 'scared on her own'. Also she said she and DH were the main family, me and the kids were merely his extended. So if you don't do any of that you should be fine. I know many people who get on fab with their in laws and in every case the MIL is nice to DIL and doesn't just act like they want the son and kids pretending DIL doesn't exist, and they don't criticize.

"but I think it is ridiculous and depressing that two grown women can't aspire to be friends. I hope my DIL are more mature."

depends on what you mean by friends?

I don't think you need to be friends with your MIL. It's a very particular type of relationship that involves a type of forced intimacy, and it requires a lot of forbearance on both sides.

DH's mum is an wonderful woman, but when we stay with her for week-long visits (less when she comes to us, because I am at home) she gets on my wick.

The way DH and I describe it is that your own mother is mad in a way you are accustomed to. Your spouse's ma is just as eccentric, but in ways you find disconcerting.

I think women who dread becoming MsIL and who expect it to be a competition are looking at a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I've never seen a thread about a woman dreading becoming a DIL and what a bitch she expects her imagined MIL to be.

That's just it, a friendship doesn't just happen Partridge. The only thing you can do to bring it about is to be a loving MIL to your DIL. The fact that you are using words like "I will not subjugate myself and let a DIL treat me like shit" and "tackling it head on" doesn't bode well.

thebody, it must have been different for you because it came from them. For me because it came from DH it sounded like it was going to be one of my wifely duties!

I don't always get on well with my MIL but I try really hard to be fair, if I'm annoyed by something that my PIL does then I do ask myself if it would bother me if it was my mum and it sometimes helps me to keep perspective.

It works the other way as well, my FIL has recently done something that has ended up costing us alot of money, inconvience and is making us feel uncomfortable. My DH is not sorting it out properly because it's his parents and has openly admitted that had it been one of my parents who had done this then he'd be insisting I sort it out, so my point is it's not just DIL that can be difficult.

It's more common for MIL's to feel distant from the DIL than from there own DD's but it's not an absolute.

My MIL believes that my DM should have first dibs on spending time with my DD, I don't she is just as much a GM as my DM is and just as important in DD's life.

You won't have the same relationship with all of your DIL's some you will get on better with than others, some may want to involve you alot, others not, we can't get on with everyone.

Hopefully you'll get great DIL's, we're not all horrible. Some DIL's are horrid but so are some MIL's.

You also have to bare in mind that poster's often just need to vent and it's easier/safer to do that on here than in RL. There are threads about wonderful MIL too, just not as many of them.

Blister is right, OP. You need to calm right down. You sound like you are setting yourself up for a battle. Don't be surprised if you get one....