To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

Why should mothers of sons accept that they are Granny no2? I never viewed my paternal grandmother as any less of a grandparent than my maternal one.

"I honestly don't get why so much of the onus for men maintaining the relationship with their birth familes once they marry is dumped on their partners heads to such a degree upon marriage."

Arghghghggh!

This is my bugbear!

DH and his mother have a relationship I just can't fathom.

He loves her and she him, they are thick as thieves when they get together, but they barely keep in touch between times.

I do not want to manage his relationship with his mother, but now it's my DDs' relationship with their Grandma too, and I think it would be nice to have more regular contact (we live far away).

It isn't because he doesn't love her. She is awesome.

He is just so shit at keeping in touch.

My paternal grandmother was challenging. My mother learned to bite her lip, get on with things and never make the same mistakes.

She was never considered to be a grandmother no 2 but there was never much love from her so my brother and I more naturally gravitated to the grandmother who played with us, laughed with us and didn't criticise our mother

BUT I might add, it was ME who encouraged him to spend that bit extra on them for mothers day/fathers day, bdays etc, it was me who said think of the positive things and go that bit extra...it was me who encouraged him to keep up some sort of contact, this is inspite of them being utterly vile to ME.

PILS cannot see thier own behaviour - they refuse to think anything is wrong with them, they always say in conversaton how " normal" they are when they are anything bloody but, and are willing to blame thier relationship with thier son on anyting but themselves.

I know for a fact they think i have now cut them off from thier son, from what thier friends have told me!

I am sure anyone listening to my MIL would immedialty class me as one of those horrid DILS.

in my case my mistake was try and help DH build bridges to family.

thankfuly someone that knows my MIL very very well said " dont worry we all know what YOUR dealing with!!!"

A son is a son until he takes a wife.....Sorry but what utter bollocks, and as for being granny no2, you can shove that right up your arse Fernly-Whittingstall Snr,

I have 2 DSs and I can assure you that I will awlays be in their lives, not in an interfering way of course, I have lots of plans for myself when DSs and DD fly the nest, but in no way will any future DIL come between me and my wonderful boys, whom myself and DH have nurtured from birth and hopefully into fine young men who can decide for themselves to contact their parents.

I'm a mil and adore my dil and she me. I don't interfere unless she asks and then tactful I see DVD all the time too cos we do things together with our children.
My mil is nice but incredibly manipulative and likes to get her own way. I continue to be stunned by her overpowering and controlling behaviour. I'm sorry to say that some of the criticism for mil is justified.

Dgs not DVD

IgglePiggle you sound a bit like you're EXPECTING some girl to come along and brainwash your DS's!

If they are as wonderful as you say, then you won't need to "assure" anyone that you'll always be in their lives will you? They just WILL no matter who they marry!

I think it all boils down to unrealistic expectations around the birth of the child, particuarly the first tbh.

I DREAD having to see my inlaws right after the birth of any children. They are really bad aroudn ill people (as they never get ill for some reason) really stary and quite self absorbed.

However, I also realy look forward to them as grandparents in the long run, but I do think that being mistreated right after you have come back from hospital (with some potentially embarrassing problems) is a big cause of problems. If you are feeling vunerable you are naturally going to feel like you want to be with your own family and that needs does need to be respected.

You are worrying prematurly though. Speak frankly with your son about future realtionships and their own family, as to make a broad generalisation I think families of sons don't tend to do this (as opposed to my mother who has been fussing about me geting married and having babies since I was 17) and for my DP anyway, less than perfect relations with his family were a massive shock and caused further problems. Good luck!

I think women take the responsibility to see their family alone if necessary whilst men often expect wife and kids to go with them , just my own observation

Most women are always going to be closer to their mothers than they are to their MILs. As such, maternal grandparents etc are likely to have a closer relationship with and more access to any grandchildren. MILs who suck this up and still smile sweetly are likely to go far and have a pretty decent relationship with DILs. I have one Ds and 3 DD's. When it comes to D's having children, I won't expect to rush to the hospital or to the house to see DIL and the baby. I'll wait till I'm invited and I won't be even slightly put out that DILs mother will most likely be welcome far sooner than I will be. It is natural and understandable. Some lunatic women don't seem to get this though. I reckon I'll be an alright mil.

If you have sons, how do you know you will get daughters in law? You might get sons in law. And vice versa.

*I don't understand why some mum's of boys (also have a DS so will be in the same boat) read AIBU and think "gosh, my DIL will hate me!" not "wow, I'd never behave like that!"

I get on better with MIL than my own mum, but then MIL has never acted like she has rights over our family, has never been anything other than gracious when we host them, has made me feel welcome in her home, feeds DS wholesome foods and biscuits , and understands the best way to spoil a grandchild is with time and affection, not plastic tat. MIL treats me as DH's partner, not a rival for her affections, she doesn't step in and make comments about how we raise DS or how we order our lives, she doesn't expect me to arrange DH's cards/gifts to his family, she doesn't treat me as an outsider, and she makes a mean mango chuntney.

So basically, if you don't want your future DIL to be on here whinging about you, don't be a horrible cow and expect to get away with it because you're the first woman your DS loved. Easy. *

^this.

That's well said Property SOME MILS think that their DILS baby is also "theirs" somehow and they have rights. They DO have some right of course...but not if they are not pleasant.

Partridge perhaps your sons will be gay and you'll never have to deal with any DIL.

Just a thought, you're worrying about stuff that a. hasn't happened yet and b. may never happen.

FYI, I'm assuming your sons are snuggly sweet little bundles of love right now? Wait till you've lived in a house with them through their teenage years, you may find the prospect of another woman 'taking away' your hulking great hormone ridden adult male child somewhat easier to cope with.

+ethel* you are spot on. I had pil here awaiting hospitality and against our requests the minute I came home. They wouldn't leave even when asked to and wanted to stay, I will never forget trying to having my first pooh with fil occasionally trying the door to see of it was free. Truly awful and hard to forget or forgive. This is definitely the cause of a lot of probs people should weigh up their own excitement against the needs and wishes of the new parents and baby,

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights I'm not expecting a girl to come along and brainwash them at all. I fully intend to have my own life and interests and I'm sure I won't be obsessed by the minutiae of my grown up sons lives, but I will always try to stay connected to them and I can't see how them getting married should change that.

Why should I expect to be granny no2, it's not happening.

I do have a DD thought so maybe I should send my DSs off to find work ( can an 8yo still get a job cleaning chimneys) and concentrate on her.

My brother's gay, his poor, poor DP having my mum as a MIL.

My mil is a lovely lady. I have 2 DSs, and have to admit, that when I was pregnant with ds1/ a new mum, I kept her at arms length, as my own mum lives abroad, and it was her I wanted. I'm sure this couldn't have been easy for her.
My mil was/is always very respectful of this, and we are very close as a result of her giving me as much space as I need. I now make a conscious effort to include her in as much of DSs lives as I can, as much because I enjoy her company than anything else. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her as a friend and a mil.

The problems with my mil arose because dh was the first person to leave home and mil didn't want any change to her family unit. It took a very long time for mil to accept that her children were adults and she treated her adult children's partners like children too.

I'm 40 and when we go out she will ask me if I need the loo and If I don't she will make a comment about being cross if I need to go later. She is very disapproving of women with careers and she told my ex boss that they were putting too much pressure on me!

We have a fairly normal relationship now as over the years she realised that her interfering was driving us away. She has a very controlling relationship with dh's brother and family. She still accompanies dh's 37 year old to GP appointments, she regularly turns up at his place of work with homemade muffins for his colleagues and asks for progress reports on her little boy.

I have read stories on her about MILs that made me and I didn't blame the OP for being upset/annoyed/ready to do murder.

But I have also read petty, silly, self centred criticisms from DILs who seem to treat their MILs like shit - not wanting them to hold the baby or push the pram or buy treats for DGC or complaining because MIL likes to call around once a week to see her grandchild. I imagine some of these MILs at home in tears because they feel so excluded and that is not acceptable either.

I think it just comes down to personalities really. Some MILs are rude, insulting or overbearing. Some, probably most, are perfectly fine. Some DILS are precious little cows. Some, probably most, are very reasonable. Hopefully your sons will marry the latter, OP.

I had a baby last year, so I do remember what the post partum period is like. My ds3 was on a ventilator for a week and I had a 3rd c-section, so would have welcomed any help and attention from a mil - unfortunately mine is just not like that.

But beyond bf and birth I really don't see the difference? This is a very very short time in the life of a gc. My dh is just as involved with my dc as me and I will expect my ds to be with their own kids. Therefore providing my sons are not feckless, useless bastards and I'm not the mil from hell and give dil some space after the birth I should be ok? I do not want my son to be a son til he finds a wife and I do not want to be, by default, grandmother 2. All those making that assumption seem to be in the slightly smug position of having at least one dd.

Igglepiggle, seriously man, cool it a little or you are going to end up estranged! So what if you are no. 2 grandma?! As long as you have a great relationship with your Ds, DIL and grandchildren the maternal grandparents input is surely irrelevant. Don't frame it as a 'competition'.

OP you had a baby last year? Your other sons will be young as well?

Why are you worrying now? You have no idea what they will be like as adult men. My oldest is 18 and I'm still learning about him.