To dread becoming a M-I-L

[Partridge]

I'm sure this has been done to death, but as the mother of 3 ds I feel incredibly disheartened (and sad) about the utter intolerance shown towards MIL on mn.

I adore my boys (hopefully not smotheringly) and try to teach them to be compassionate, gentle and to look after themselves. I aim not to spoil them and to teach them how to be wonderful husbands and fathers. The majority of mil threads on mn are very negative and many are spiteful and generic about evil mil.

The only time I have felt sad about not having a daughter is when I read how little mil seem able to be involved in the lives of their ds and gc - do these posts come from mums of girls? Do these (often harsh) rules extend to their own mothers?

In this time of equality it seems wrong that the mil seems often to be required to be a doormat to be allowed access to her family. (By that I mean accept being merely "tolerated" by her DIL).

Obviously there are exceptions to this - and clearly there are some monstrous mil out there - but the prevailing theme is of total disdain and inequality towards mil. Please tell me I am being totally over sensitive and ridiculous. I really feel very sad at the thought of being "the enemy" by virtue of having 3ds.

I get on will with my mil, been too see get with just me & ds many times. But see would have damaged that by intruding into the hospital/first couple of days at home. Yes I wanted my mum thereCNN but I was topless nearly all the time, and putting blood out. Mum cleaning the bathroom/sitting with me whilst I bf etc was different.

I also suspect mil's noise was out of joint fire to my mum getting to babysit first, but as this was due to me needing medical attention I'm not getting into that.

I intend to encourage ds to see it as normal for him to takehis children out for the day. How many woman beg for a day off whilst their mil would be delighted by a visit grim their son and gc?

I know it's not totally relevant to the,topic but my mum was brilliant during the birth, I needed the extra encouragement to push, and from a practical point of view it meant one person could pass me had and air while another was on water duty. It didn't take anything away from dh at all plus he totally loves my mum and she loves him like a son.
My dm also had a dil they get on really well because my mum is supportive, gives advice only when asked, and has told db before if he has been out of order - she wouldn't automatically side with her son.
I do get on well with my in laws but prefer fil company he has a lot more personality than step mil and if we see him alone he will talk about dhs mum which he won't do in front of smil as she is jealous.

So kind of a mixed bag. Thanks so much for everyone's stories - less depressing than I thought. What is depressing however is peddling that shit about a son being a son til he gets a wife. As a mum of only boys I actually find it quite offensive.

I have raised my boys with a lot of love and care and have hopefully brought them up to be loyal, emotionally intelligent and not lazy enough to forget their own parents. I would like to give men the opportunity for autonomy and independent thought - not assume that they are going to be brainwashed by an evil wife who will erase all memory of their family of origin .

I hope that the time and effort I am investing in their upbringing and self esteem will help them to make the best choices for wives. And it goes without saying that I will be the best mil I can be. I hope mostly to be a friend to a dil - it would be lovely to have that relationship with a grown woman having no daughters of my own. I can't pretend that this doesn't preoccupy me though and sadly some posters attitudes over the 7 years I have been on mumsnet help explain the ridiculous gender bias towards having girls at the moment.

Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall's (sp?) mum wrote a book on being a good granny. She said that as a mother of sons you have to accept that you are Granny No. 2.

Even if your mil is fantastic, most people will still feel more comfortable with their own mother, or want to call her first. It is virtually impossible to be even handed.

That being said, I have seen on MN (and in real life) some utterly horrible dils who are very possessive and think their dhs should ditch their entire family. They are probably quite unpleasant people in all areas of their lives and I suppose we just have to pray that our dss team up with nice reasonable women [scared emoticon !]

Tbh OP I do have some sympathy with you as I have sons too but that phrase about the evil wives got to me a bit.

I think you're worrying about something that may never happen. The majority of my friends get on brilliantly with their MILs. It does seem to me that you are expecting the 'evil wife' to take your son away and if you carry on thinking that way it will be a self fulfilling prophesy.

I'm not expecting to be friends with any future DIL. I am expecting to be friendly. There's a difference. Just relax. If you've brought your boys up with love then they won't forget.

Have you seen the thread about someone's parents expectations around Christmas? It's not just MILs who cause friction, sometimes it's a DM or DF.

My own MIL actually wrote a letter to the other DIL congratulating her on severing the bond between mother and son, and she used to do "nice" things "for" me and say, mustn't tell (the other) DS as I didn't do anything for his wife. Don't do things like that and you should be okay.

I can't help thinking my OH got off scot free, my mother died shortly after we married so he doesn't have an MIL

But can't you see that advice like accepting you are granny no 2 is very hurtful? And is probably written by someone who has at least 1 dd (and sounds smug to me btw). It reinforces and legitimises this attitude that the mother of a son is somehow less important and a bit of a second class citizen.

What if one of my ds is a sahd? Would that still make me granny no 2? Why is someone even committing to print that there is a set hierarchy? Maybe I am being very naive but this really gets to me and reinforces inequality.

Why can't I be a friend to a dil? I would have thought that would be an ideal situation - one to aspire to surely? Not something undesirable...

I was not assuming that I will have evil dil - just that phrases such as the one about a son being a son til he finds a wife perpetuate the myth that all daughter's in law aim to desperate their husband from his family.

Separate not desperate - that'll be a freudian slip by me.

Yes I did see the Christmas thread. Yet again - poor mil (but also poor op - my mum has been christened controller of Christmas by dh and applies similar pressure from February)

As other posters have said if you treat the dil with courtesy and respect she will afford you with the same in return.

I have sons so it is something that is at the back of my mind. I'm actually looking forward to becoming a mil. My mil hasn't always got it right, in the early days her behaviour towards me was downright mean! Its fine now and our differences are due to us being very different people, there is no longer any mil/dil tension. I've learnt from her mistakes and having been in a difficult mil/dil relationship I hope that I will be able to have empathy with the dils.

You may end up friends but I don't believe you should assume that it's how things will end up. Just be friendly, supportive and welcoming and you won't have a problem.

I am expecting my first boy after 3 girls and do worry about this too. However, my MIL is a compplete PITA.

I do get a bit cross that all the emphasis is on the women. Why do women think that their DILS will dictate how things go? Where will your sons be in all of this? Will you be communicating with your DILs and not your sons? Do you expect your sons will simply be opting out of everything and letting their wives dictate? If so, why, and what will it say about your relationships with your sons and their upbringing?

If my son has a partner and children I won't suddenly be bypassing him to deal with my DIL. Nor will I be riding roughshod over her and what she wants.

I agree eldrich as you will see from the majority of my posts. It does sadly seem that the dil runs the agenda a lot of the time.

My MIL is fantastic... It's my own mum that's the problem due to her MH issues and general unkindness.

I think that the only problems that really become an issue is when the MIL starts to domineer and take control or delegate how to care for DC's or if they are toxic (as my mum very much is).

You sound like a well balanced person that shouldn't have to worry about some of the MIL horror stories that are out there.

In my case, my DH did not have a good relationship with his late mother (understandably) and I knew better than to go barging in either trying to make closer ties or fighting his battles. She made a real effort once grandchildren arrived, which was nice, but while I happily participated in it I never took on any responsibility for the relationship (beyond cooking them nice meals when they visited). What the PIL got in terms of contact and treatment was the direct consequence of how they got on with my DH. I do wonder if some PIL don't like to admit that and so blame the DIL for a lack of involvement.

loads of people i know get on and dont get on with mils, people usually come on here because they are having a hard time, people dont normally post when things are going well as there is no reason too.

some things i have noticed with mils is where they dont have a good relationship with thier son, the fractures only become more clear when son marries or has children....

or son is in grip of tottaly controlling mother who needs to suck up as much control as she can to feel worthy as a person etc...and has nothing better to do.

probs with dils come when mils are controlling and want to prove they are top dog, putting dil down etc..

Just to clarify when I said "I think that the only problems that really become an issue is when the MIL starts to domineer and take control" It is equally problematic if the DIL goes toxic and controlling too. As some of the other posters have said it is a two-way street.

I honestly don't get why so much of the onus for men maintaining the relationship with their birth familes once they marry is dumped on their partners heads to such a degree upon marriage. I often read MIL threads and find myself blaming the man in the middle for being such a wet wipe. Are so many modern men really lacking in backbone?

I have no intention of sending out into the world a man incapable of calling his old Mum on her birthday, or of helping his own MIL do the grocery shop as she recovers from a hip operation unprompted by his wife.

I'm convinced if you raise your boys with decent ethics. eg not totally self-entitled,spoiled, lazy brattish man-child types, but who know how a washing machine works and take personal responsibility for their own social relationships then You stand a good chance of having a great relationship with your DIL.

My sister is married to man whose Mum had 3 lads. He's a great bloke and so sis has developed a close relationsip with her MIL. Her MIL gets on with her other DIL's too. No reason they shouldn't - she raised 3 fantastic men and their wives and girlfriends appreciate this .

eldritch

"What the PIL got in terms of contact and treatment was the direct consequence of how they got on with my DH. I do wonder if some PIL don't like to admit that and so blame the DIL for a lack of involvement. "

totally 100% right there!!!

My DH chooses to have very little to do with his mother. I 'run the agenda' otherwise he'd never call or visit. He has bad memories of her behaviour when he was young and actually refused to get married if she was present.

Nothing to do with me at all but if it makes it easier for her to blame me then so be it.

I've used it as a learning experience. My sons will be given the freedom to grow up and mature in a way my DH wasn't

"What are the unspoken rules? I'd better get used to them.

Why do they exist? My dh is (post birth and bf) as involved as I am in the care of our ds."

Have a look at what is between those brackets.

None of your sons will be pregnant, give birth, or breastfeed.

The women who do these things for your grandchildren might want the support of their own mother.

You are your sons' mother, but that doesn't mean their wives will think of you as a mother, even if they love you dearly.

My Granny and my Mum get on well. My mother does a lot of caring for her now she is elderly.

Granny has always been massively respectful of my mother's right to run her own home (to my Granny, this is a woman's role) and always butted right out, despite my mother being an appalling housekeeper, and my Granny a very good one. She is way more bossy with her own daughters.

I think that there is a lot to be said for her approach.

I think it's fair enough that the MIL will be granny no.2 when it comes to the birth and the immediate newborn period - because that time is more about the mother than it is the child.

But certainly when I was growing up I never thought of my dad's parents as less important than my mum's. I was close to all of them. I couldn't tell you what it was like when I was very small.

Thanks eliza. And I agree with you bochead. I see so many threads about men who can't send their own parents birthday cards, but nag their wives to do it, and MIL who ring the DIL to complain they haven't got a card/thank you note/invitation to something.

"I do get a bit cross that all the emphasis is on the women. Why do women think that their DILS will dictate how things go? Where will your sons be in all of this? Will you be communicating with your DILs and not your sons? Do you expect your sons will simply be opting out of everything and letting their wives dictate? If so, why, and what will it say about your relationships with your sons and their upbringing?

If my son has a partner and children I won't suddenly be bypassing him to deal with my DIL. Nor will I be riding roughshod over her and what she wants. "

absolutly, my DH cant speak up at all to his DP's they blamed everything for thier relationship on something else before I came along, and now its my fault.

They never talk to him, they dont know him, and I have leanrned over the years they are not interested in him and probably dont like him!

they are miserable and critical over stupid things when they see him, they make him feel miserable and then wonder why he doesnt want to see them much!

MY MIl blamed me for basics that she should have taught him like basic grooming!!!!!!!!! she said i wasnt doing my duty to him!!!!