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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bad about the situation and don't want to hurt my friend

37 replies

RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 21:58

My friend lives alone, no DC, but has 4 dogs,big dogs, which are her babies. The house is not really big enough for the dogs and she's always saying how they've chewed things, poo and wee all over and the house smells.
I've stayed over a few times,and I know she makes a big effort to clean up for me, but I hate the dogs being all over me-they sit with you on the couch,hate being covered in their fur as they are terrible moulters, hate the fact that they poo and wee on the floor in the night and it stinks in the morning and I can't wait to leave. I'm not really a doggy person.
She's asked me over again and I have suggested we spend the afternoon together,have an early meal and then I'll drive home. She's not very happy with that and really wants me to stay over.
I don't want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 08/10/2012 22:04

Yikes.

Onset of dog hair allergy?

Not good that they eliminate on the floor in the house, is she not walking them/letting them outside enough? That's just not normal.

Original poster
RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 22:06

They do get walked,but 2 are older,presume the others just copy.

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 08/10/2012 22:06

Why are they fouling in the house?

Could you suggest staying at yours instead?

Do you know, might be best just to be honest? Gently?

I have a dog but what you described sounds like a nightmare!

topknob · 08/10/2012 22:06

Why are they pooing and weeing on the floor? has she not trained them.That is vile ! My dog is not and never has been allowed on the sofa, she she doesn't even attempt to lay there.

Levantine · 08/10/2012 22:07

Oh no yanbu. Time for some white lies.

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 22:08

Babying your dogs doesn't mean they don't need to learn manners!

Why does she need you to stop over?

Whatever my friends feel they'd rather do is up to them, I'd never pressure them to stop over if they've said they'll come just for the afternoon.

How do you think she'll react if you stick to your guns?

Flojo1979 · 08/10/2012 22:09

YANBU, u need to think of a good excuse and fast. Or just be honest.
My friends has big dogs but she keeps them shut in a different room as she knows I dont like them.
I think its quite rude of your friend to let her dogs come on the sofa with u. Unless you've given the impression u like have them around u in the past.

Original poster
RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 22:12

I did make a joke today(I thought it was a joke) and said I wouldn't stay as didn't want my things to be chewed,she texted me before to say she was upset about that comment. I have used DS and DH as an excuse and said I need to be home so DH gets a break from DS(he's ASD), but she's still insisting. I really don't want to make negative comments towards her lifestyle and home.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 08/10/2012 22:12

Oh my giddy aunt - I could not stay over. I was put in the guest room of a friends once and it was clear the dog used the bed and the sheets weren't changed - that was the last time I ever stayed over - barely slept a wink! And there wasn't even any excrement involved in that!

I would either go for blunt honesty or outright lies but no way would I be staying over - a short visit would be bad enough!

JennerOSity · 08/10/2012 22:14

What reason does she give for insisting? Why does it matter to her if you stay or not - wouldn't any inconvenience of driving home in eve or whatever be yours?

HollaAtMeBaby · 08/10/2012 22:18

YANBU and if she's a friend, you should be honest. Her house sounds disgusting.

Original poster
RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 22:19

She lives about 50 mins from me so it would save the drive, she likes the company, she is invited to lots of things but rarely goes because of the dogs so when someone comes she likes them to spend a lot of time with her.

OP posts:
stookiesackhouse · 08/10/2012 22:21

She probably really wants you to stay cos it abates her loneliness?

I would stay because I am soft. Take some old clothes :-)

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 22:22

'she is invited to lots of things but rarely goes because of the dogs so when someone comes she likes them to spend a lot of time with her. '

But she can't expect the whole world to fit in with the lifestyle she's chosen with her dogs.

MooncupGoddess · 08/10/2012 22:22

I once stayed with a friend who had a large dog - the kitchen smelt so strongly of dog I couldn't eat my lunch, and the garden was full of dogshit.

No helpful advice OP, just wanted to say I feel your pain!

Original poster
RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 22:22

To be fair she did say in her text "I love having you to say in my grotty little house" so I think she does know.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 08/10/2012 22:23

In that case I think that honesty is the only solution. You can nicely tell her you struggle with the hygiene side of the dogs and while you love her you can't relax in a house shaped toilet. If she is upset by that it is a bit tough because she will have to realise that she is out of kilter with most of society on this one and the sooner she accepts that the sooner she can stop being surprised by rejections or shape up - her choice.

pictish · 08/10/2012 22:24

Yuck. My friend from school's mum had three big golden retrievers, that moulted so the place was thick with hair, they crapped in the house, and they stank. The place was gross. I never did hurt my friennd and say anything, but yes...I know of what you speak.
Don't think I could stay...but it will be awful to have to tell her why....because if your friend's anything like my friend's mother, it won't be a case of tidying up for you coming over, it's intrinsic to the whole house, and to critisise is to call her whole life into question.

I wouldn't stay though. I'd reel out lie after lie excuse after excuse, and if she really pressed me I guess I would tell her the truth as kindly as I could.

Frontpaw · 08/10/2012 22:24

Dogs are not people! If they are incontinent they should be kept out doors or in a kennel. Are they old or sick - or just not house trained?

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 22:25

I would probably not say the reason why I didn't want to stay, you're never going to be able to word it so it doesn't sound insulting.

Just make the same excuse and be firm, calm and persistent.

She can't make you stay the night, save slashing your tyres Grin Shock

Original poster
RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 22:31

Yes, I think I'll just stick to my guns with my feeble excuses,as it would really upset her. People did tell her(myself included) not to get dog number 3 then number 4, but she ignored, and to be fair it was her decision,not ours to make.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 08/10/2012 22:32

No no no yanbu at all.

Even reading thus thread is making me feel queasy. I'd be honest and say you love her but just can't deal with the dogs. I know I couldn't Envy

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 08/10/2012 22:34

If you're not honest though, you'll be asked to stay again on the future.

JustSpiro · 08/10/2012 22:36

Can you invent something you need to go to early the following day.

Given the circumstances regarding your son having ASD I think she's a bit unreasonable expecting you to stay over every time you go and see her.

CoolaSchmoola · 08/10/2012 22:38

I wouldn't be staying over. I'm sure she's a lovely person - but at the end of the day her house is a toilet. Literally.

I would try to avoid hurting her feelings (I can see why she was hurt by your 'joke' - too close to the truth and she knew it) but I wouldn't be staying.