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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bad about the situation and don't want to hurt my friend

37 replies

RinkyDinkyDoo · 08/10/2012 21:58

My friend lives alone, no DC, but has 4 dogs,big dogs, which are her babies. The house is not really big enough for the dogs and she's always saying how they've chewed things, poo and wee all over and the house smells.
I've stayed over a few times,and I know she makes a big effort to clean up for me, but I hate the dogs being all over me-they sit with you on the couch,hate being covered in their fur as they are terrible moulters, hate the fact that they poo and wee on the floor in the night and it stinks in the morning and I can't wait to leave. I'm not really a doggy person.
She's asked me over again and I have suggested we spend the afternoon together,have an early meal and then I'll drive home. She's not very happy with that and really wants me to stay over.
I don't want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
AndThenIAteThem · 08/10/2012 22:39

Isn't it ironic tho that you are the one worrying about being polite/hurting her feelings? It really isn't normal for someone to expect a guest to sit paddling in shit and piss, I mean we're not just talking a bit untidy, thats pretty gross and the house must reek!

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2012 22:40

Awww, she sounds lonely.

But the solution has pushed the people she does know away a little bit further.

She doesn't know for sure that your feeble excuses aren't true though, and that must be kinder than telling her outright.

It sounds like she's picking up that the state of her house might be a problem, better it dawns on her than she thinks people are ewwwing behind her back.

She might choose to do nothing about it, but it'll be her choice and you'll still be there for her as a friend.

perceptionreality · 08/10/2012 22:40

No, yanbu at all. She shouldn't have 4 dogs if she can't train them not to shit everywhere!

tryingsoonflying · 08/10/2012 22:46

I find I dislike staying with people the older I get (I'm not ancient, just grown up Grin) - could you use, "preferring to get home to your own bed" as excuse? Also what you've already said about DP and DC is very valid - she needs not to be pushy about this or she'll alienate her friends. Some boundaries will make you feel better about friendship and in the long term this will be kinder to her as you will be more likely to retain the friendship. I must say, I hate being pressurised by friends, it's not in the remit IYSWIM.

nkf · 08/10/2012 22:54

Something to do in the morning? Can only sleep in your own bed?

LeChatRouge · 08/10/2012 23:10

rinky the fact she got upset about your earlier message means she is sensitive and more than likely aware of the issue.

I would have to be honest, hard though this is. Text something like:

Hey, would love to catch up with you, but I find it hard to be around your dogs and the mess they make in your house. Sad if this upsets you, I don't mean to, but as you and I are good friends, I have to be honest. I want to see you, so let's just stick to the afternoon out and the meal.

BlueSkySinking · 08/10/2012 23:45

Send DH out and invite her to yours?

marykat2004 · 09/10/2012 00:02

Some of my best friends live in a house that is totally falling apart, and always have at least 2 big dogs. I sometimes find it difficult but even when they had really old dogs, the dogs never peeed and pooed in the house. I find it a little shocking that your friend has let it get like that. I would have to draw the line at waking up to pee and poo every day. I don't know what to say. I would find it difficult, too. I see my friends try really hard to make their falling-apart house a little more nicer for us when we come to stay. I would really hate to have to say I can't go there again, and I am sure they would dread that too... but also they are good friends and I think they would understand and we would have to find another way to meet...But if there was pee and poo indoors I think I would have to say no to going there ... really good luck to you. It's very hard.

Secondsop · 09/10/2012 05:22

I too am shocked at the dogs pooing and weeing in the house and think you've been incredibly tolerant to her thus far. My husband has a good friend whose animals do exactly that (they never clean and they let the cats walk all over the kitchen worktop without cleaning them aftetwards, and so much else that i wont bore you with) and I've already made it clear to him (husband) that I really don't want to have to spend any time in their house. Your feelings are perfectly normal.

I do wonder whether your friend's life has become so dog-oriented that she doesn't realise that it's gone beyond a point that most people can put up with? Especially if her social circle has narrowed. As you're still prepared to go round there, she probably hasnt had to face up to the reality of it yet, and the fact that she reacted badly when you did say something about the dogs by text suggests that deep down she might well know something isnt quite right and that you hit a nerve.
You sound like a lovely friend who really cares about her - is there room for an honest conversation about how you like the dogs (to sugar the pill a bit) and that you like visiting her but that you really struggle with being in the house when they've soiled it? From what you've said it sounds like she might not have anyone else to bring this home to her. There's also a hygiene related point about whatever parasite it is in dog faeces (I forget) that you wouldn't want to accidentally get onto your things and take home to your child, but I know dog owners can get very sensitive about dog hygiene so perhaps play that one by ear a bit.

On a slightly separate note, I do think she is being pretty unreasonable on being insistent on you staying over, especially with your family situation. From your original post I gathered that the dogs are your main reason for not wanting to stay over but it would be perfectly reasonable for you to not want to for a whole host of family-related reasons too, and there's no reason for her wishes to trump yours in that regard. Dont feel you have to give way to be "nice"!

Paiviaso · 09/10/2012 14:33

I love dogs and think YANBU.

If they are weeing/pooing in the house then she isn't taking them out enough, or she hasn't trained them. How disgusting!

You have two options. Continually making up white lies as to why you can't come over when she invites you, or to be honest. I would vote for be honest, because maybe she needs a wake-up call that her situation isn't really acceptable. She will also stop asking you to come over so you don't have to lie anymore! But you know better than us how she would take the honest truth.

whatsoever · 09/10/2012 15:02

YANBU, and neither would you be unreasonable to say that you don't like being in the house because of the dog's fouling indoors. That's not a pleasant environment for anyone - her, the dogs or her visitors. This truth may upset her but I'm afraid sometimes the truth needs to be heard.

Once puppies have been housetrained, dogs should not be fouling in the house unless they are very ill or at the end of their lives and can't make it outside. Any other time and they are either badly trained or they are being mistreated (e.g. Not being let out enough).

boredandrestless · 09/10/2012 15:08

Just send her a kind but honest text like LeChatRouge suggests.

If you make up excuses you will just have the same situation repeating itself!

No one wants to wake up to dog pee and shit, covered in moulted hairs. I love dogs but still wouldn't stay in a house like this. YUK!

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