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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe that there is no going back for us after he said this?

59 replies

whoiswatching · 08/10/2012 14:06

I had an unplanned pregnancy three months ago and it ended with me having a miscarriage at around 8-9 weeks.

My dp (I'll call him J) wasn't exactly jumping for joy about the pregnancy as it was unplanned but we decided we were just going to get on with it. J was supportive of me when I had a miscarriage, you know he wasn't devasted but then I wouldn't have expected that but I felt that he was supportive.

Three months on and I go onto Js facebook account, it was left open and I was having a sneaky look, not thinking that I was going to find anything bad but just curiosity. And I found a conversation that had been ongoing between J and a friend. J had been asking his friend if he was going to come out and his friend said no because he had his son for the weekend. J then replied that "f being stuck in with a kid, lucky for me mine lost hers", the conversation went onto Js friend was now going out with an Irish women and J said "f that leave her", and then J went on to say how the trouble with women is that we moan too much.

I am absolutely devasted that dp thinks he's lucky that I went through a miscarriage. I confronted him with this and he said he'd had a few drinks at the time and wasn't thinking straight.

Looking at the date of the messages I don't think he'd had anything to drink that day. I can't even look at him right now. I don't think I would be in the wrong to leave him over this.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 08/10/2012 14:07

YANBU. Your relationship is dead in the water. I'm so sorry.

Fairylea · 08/10/2012 14:08

How heartless.

I think that is unforgivable. What was he thinking !?

I don't think I could come back from that either.

I'm sorry for your loss x

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/10/2012 14:09

Ow. Thats one hell of a nasty comment and no wonder you're feeling upset about it. The bit about F that - well thats something that any arse could write, but being glad you lost the baby is on another level.

How do you feel about your DP in general? Do you see this as a long term thing and would you like children? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, you need to discuss it with him now.

oscarwilde · 08/10/2012 14:10

I'm sorry but assuming you two hadn't been together for 5 mins when you got pregnant, he sounds like a turd. Even if you have only been together for a short time, comments like "lucky for me mine lost hers" - not ours demonstrate that he feels that it is entirely your problem in the relationship if you get pregnant. No contraception is foolproof, I would run like the wind.

pommesdeterreetfromageblanc · 08/10/2012 14:10

eeeeeh... eeeeeerm.... not nice..... i guess you have to see how you feel about it in the days to come. Do you want babies? If you do, do you want babies with him?

Adviceinscotland · 08/10/2012 14:11

Totally unforgivable!

Let's face it you could never go onto have children with him now

Fairylea · 08/10/2012 14:11

I agree with Oscar. I noticed the distancing from being both of yours. He's not wholly in this relationship.

halloweeneyqueeney · 08/10/2012 14:11

I feel that way about a MC I had with now DH earlier in our relationship. I think it would be unforgivable to put his feelings about it to you in those words knowing that you are sad about it, but I don't think he's UR to personally feel lucky about it and express that to a friend in a private conversation, I feel lucky to have had mine at that time. he can have his own independant feelings about it can't he?

DementedHousewife · 08/10/2012 14:12

Yanb, if it was me his bags would already be packed.

Original poster

whoiswatching · 08/10/2012 14:13

We have been together for two and a half years

OP posts:

Original poster

whoiswatching · 08/10/2012 14:15

I'm also angry that he spoke to a friend who is not even a close friend about our personal business. We hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant or about the miscarriage. I hadn't even told my own friends.

OP posts:

halloweeneyqueeney · 08/10/2012 14:15

(by earlier in our relationship, it was when we had "only" been together for 4 years, but we weren't trying and it was totally wrong timing for me, I felt very lucky to be "off the hook" on that one)

Inertia · 08/10/2012 14:15

I'd struggle to find a way forward from that. It shows that you can never rely on him for any kind of support- and that's an impossible basis for a long-term committed relationship.

halloweeneyqueeney · 08/10/2012 14:17

"We hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant or about the miscarriage. I hadn't even told my own friends"

totally understand why you are upset about this, but I also think it was a big deal for him too, he was facing unplanned fatherhood! if it was a public conversation or a more mutual friend I'ld say it's definitely UR but I do understand his need to express his feelings about it too

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/10/2012 14:17

two faced, sly, rubbing hands together behind your back sort of shitbag, I am so sorry op you saw this, that is a betrayal of immense magnitude, I could not countenance staying with someone like that sorry.

Ephiny · 08/10/2012 14:17

In his defence it was a private conversation, not something he expressed to you, and it's likely he did feel relieved not to be having an unplanned child after all. I would imagine many men feel that way, and maybe quite a few women as well. It doesn't mean he enjoyed seeing you go through the physical and emotional upset of a miscarriage, you say yourself he was supportive of you at the time.

The tone of the conversation and the way they're talking about the women in their lives though...that sounds a bit unpleasant. Does that seem in keeping with his attitudes, the way he usually is etc?

I would not be happy about a partner snooping through my private emails or messages btw. Do you make a habit of that?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/10/2012 14:20

^^ exactly this.

TraineeBabyCatcher · 08/10/2012 14:23

I would be deeply hurt also op. Tbh I couldn't ever get back from that comment and I would have dumped the fucker the minute I sore (saw?) him

Original poster

whoiswatching · 08/10/2012 14:27

I don't usually look no, this all came about because we were looking together through his emails for a hotel reservation number and I noticed some emails from match.com and pof dating websites and asked what they were all about. J said he'd joined years ago but still got updates. It made me a little suspicious and when he left facebook open curiosity got the better of me. I wasn't really expecting to find anything and thought I slap myself on the wrist afterwards for being so silly. But I did. And I also found another conversation J was having with a woman who I don't know. She was complaining about her boyfriend and he was telling her that her boyfriend doesn't care about her. An there were little flirty messages like J saying "aah were you thinking of me to send that message".

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 08/10/2012 14:31

Difficult.

He is being honest and expressing how he really felt. It's not his fault he didn't feel ready to be a father. He did his best for you when you MCed and made an effort not to show how he really felt underneath.

I'm sure he didn't mean he was glad you went through it from your point of view, only that for him it was a relief.

Maybe in a year or two he will feel ready and you'll find him a changed man. Don't give up on him just because of this.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/10/2012 14:32

because we were looking together through his emails for a hotel reservation number and I noticed some emails from match.com and pof dating websites and asked what they were all about. J said he'd joined years ago but still got updates

That would be the issue for me to be honest.

I think all of us are guilty at some point in our relationships about thinking things about our partners that could be deemed as unforgivable...I know I certainly have. The dating agency however, now that would be the thing I would find harder to come back from.

FolkGhoul · 08/10/2012 14:37

Gosh this is exactly the reason why we shouldn't read other people's private conversations, isn't it?

I would be devastated and furious if my husband said anything like that, because whatever he thought, I would think that some thoughts should remain unsaid.

Having said that, I have probably said things at times that DH would be really hurt by if he knew about it. Not even things I'd necessarily mean, but because I'm a human and what I say isn't a heavily edited script.

However, in light of the flirty messages with another woman and emails from match.com...

You don't get email updates from anyone if you unsubscribe. And I'd have thought a dating website it the sort of thing you'd unsubscribe from if you were in a committed LTR.

halloweeneyqueeney · 08/10/2012 14:37

the flirty message would be the thing for me TBH

I get junk emails from match.com and similar (with my name in the title as its the same name as my email address) and I have never been a memeber of any of them

Ephiny · 08/10/2012 14:38

Yes it sounds like there's more issues going on here. YANBU to be having doubts about the relationship, all things considered!

Original poster

whoiswatching · 08/10/2012 14:42

he has also googled 'how to make a miscarriage happen' and 'my girlfriend is pregnant and I don't want it'.

But he said he was trying to find out why I'd miscarried.

OP posts:

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