To believe that there is no going back for us after he said this?

[whoiswatching]

I had an unplanned pregnancy three months ago and it ended with me having a miscarriage at around 8-9 weeks.

My dp (I'll call him J) wasn't exactly jumping for joy about the pregnancy as it was unplanned but we decided we were just going to get on with it. J was supportive of me when I had a miscarriage, you know he wasn't devasted but then I wouldn't have expected that but I felt that he was supportive.

Three months on and I go onto Js facebook account, it was left open and I was having a sneaky look, not thinking that I was going to find anything bad but just curiosity. And I found a conversation that had been ongoing between J and a friend. J had been asking his friend if he was going to come out and his friend said no because he had his son for the weekend. J then replied that "f being stuck in with a kid, lucky for me mine lost hers", the conversation went onto Js friend was now going out with an Irish women and J said "f that leave her", and then J went on to say how the trouble with women is that we moan too much.

I am absolutely devasted that dp thinks he's lucky that I went through a miscarriage. I confronted him with this and he said he'd had a few drinks at the time and wasn't thinking straight.

Looking at the date of the messages I don't think he'd had anything to drink that day. I can't even look at him right now. I don't think I would be in the wrong to leave him over this.

[FolkGhoul]

Er. He wasn't.

[FolkGhoul]

If he had been he'd have googled "why did my girlfriend miscarry" and "baby names".

He sounds horrible. Tbh.

Does he have any good points?

[halloweeneyqueeney]

I think if you're unable to maintain the relationship without checking google histories and private facebook messages, things aren't going well regardless fo what you find

yes he could have just been looking for causes after it happens, depends on when he searched that?

[whoiswatching]

Sorry for the drip feeding I didn't want to write a really long op but think I need to give the full picture.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

it doesn't sound like you're on the same page in lots of ways really does it, its not just one thing

[TeeBee]

F*ing hell. Sorry, he'd be out with the rubbish for me.

[HiHowAreYou]

He googled "how to make a miscarriage happen"?!

WTF.

[PiggeryJokery]

Just the way he talks about women is pretty grim really. Also if you would like to have children, he clearly doesn't, so is there a future for you together anyway?

[cheekydevil]

Omg! Get rid.

[KenLeeeeeee]

Eeek, he sounds like an utter tosspot. You would be well shot of him. Try to think of this as a lucky opportunity to have found out what a total arsehole he is before you're stuck with him forever.

I'm really sorry for your loss too x

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

he has also googled 'how to make a miscarriage happen' and 'my girlfriend is pregnant and I don't want it'

Well, that is another matter entirely. What was he gonna do...kick you in the stomach or put you in a bath of gin

He sounds like a prick and although I think people are entitled to their own private thoughts...........get rid!!

[pictish]

Well...it would be over for me. No ifs no buts - just over.

[CuriousMama]

I was on pof and I don't get updates now i'm off it?

He sounds a real catch So sorry about your loss I know how it feels.

[Timetoask]

Well, you now know how he feels about children and having a family. If both of you don't feel the same way about something life changing like this, then you are really not suited. I would break up sooner rather than later.

[arthurfowlersallotment]

I would never be able to come back from this OP. It's the most insensitive thing I've heard of in a long time and shows utter disregard for you.

Presuming you want children in the future, would you really want them with this utter prick as their father?

I'd give him his lunch in a road map and leave the door open for someone else who would actually love and respect you.

So sorry about your MC. Please look after yourself.

[MyGoldenNotebook]

Oh dear you must be feeling very upset right now. What he has said seems very cold and insensitive, but it might not reflect the way he truly feels. Facebook messages are very much like speech - usually unthought out, unedited and very much heat of the moment. Unfortunatley, unlike speech they are permanently recorded.

I have said some awful things about DH when I have been in a rage / hurt / frustrated with him. I don't think I've truly meant a single one of them but sometimes it's good to vent. Sometimes we say things we don't mean and are very glad that there's no one else around to hear them.

The flirty messages are possibly nothing serious. Lots of people flirt with friends and get pleasure from it, and it doesn't mean anything. It does hurt when you stumble across it though.

A few months ago I found a string of emails that my DH had sent where he was being visciously nasty about my brother to two of his awful smug friends (I do snoop occasionally because he cheated on me a number of times when we were younger, and I need reassurance ... I'm doing it much less as the years go by and will hopefully be able to stop at some point). It felt so disloyal and I was very hurt. But you know, his parents often do my head in big time and if I was to write at length about them ... well, it wouldn't be pretty. My mum knows how I feel! But we don't communicate via facebook :)

We're allowed interior lives and our own opinions - even if they are potentially hurtful. But of course he doesn still need to be sensitive to yours. As long as other than this you do think that he loves you and you have a supportive and equal relationship. You perhaps need to discuss what you see in the future too.

[MyGoldenNotebook]

That should read he does still need

I'm also very sorry for your loss.

[AThingInYourLife]

Now you know that he is a card carrying misogynist.

"Lucky for me mine lost hers" as a flippant response to a mate having his son for the weekend is truly fucking horrible.

It dehumanises
1 you ("mine")
2 his friend's son (he implies his friend's life would be better if his boy had not been born
3 the baby you lost ("hers")

On no planet is that one man expressing his relief to his friend.

That's a man who hates women showing off to his male friend by being hateful about women and children.

Now you know his worth. It is zero

I guess you too might come to be glad you don't have children by this scummer, even though you regret your miscarriage.

[AThingInYourLife]

LOL at his "right to an interior life" :o

The OP has a right to a partner who isn't a cunt in his "interior life".

[MaBaya]

Its pretty low to speak about your life partner and a miscarriage in that way. It doesnt make him sound like a good bloke, no.

[pommesdeterreetfromageblanc]

run whoiswatching run!

[halloweeneyqueeney]

I speak about my MC, and potential parenthood at that time, that way though. It physically happens to the women, but two people will have strong feelings about the massive change to their lives becomming a parent represents, surely thats what was meant by "right to an interior life"? He's been sensitive enough to not bluntly express it to her but it is how he feels about thinking a baby was on the way for a time

[lurkingaround]

He's a peach.
I normally don't post here but can't not post here.
This is so disrespectful to you and your loss. He is privileged to have been a part of your pregnancy. I can't begin to tell you how dreadful I think he is. I know it's not ideal to be looking at his personal stuff. But take it and use this information to your benefit. You are lucky to find out now how horrible he is, imagine if you found out in another 3 years. Let him go. Pull the shutters.

So sorry for your loss.

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

How hurtful. I don't see the point of being in a relationship with someone like that.

[Softlysoftly]

I've read this before, I know I've read this somewhere before.

But with small differences, god to think there's more than one bloke out there who could be so horrible.