To believe that there is no going back for us after he said this?

[whoiswatching]

I had an unplanned pregnancy three months ago and it ended with me having a miscarriage at around 8-9 weeks.

My dp (I'll call him J) wasn't exactly jumping for joy about the pregnancy as it was unplanned but we decided we were just going to get on with it. J was supportive of me when I had a miscarriage, you know he wasn't devasted but then I wouldn't have expected that but I felt that he was supportive.

Three months on and I go onto Js facebook account, it was left open and I was having a sneaky look, not thinking that I was going to find anything bad but just curiosity. And I found a conversation that had been ongoing between J and a friend. J had been asking his friend if he was going to come out and his friend said no because he had his son for the weekend. J then replied that "f being stuck in with a kid, lucky for me mine lost hers", the conversation went onto Js friend was now going out with an Irish women and J said "f that leave her", and then J went on to say how the trouble with women is that we moan too much.

I am absolutely devasted that dp thinks he's lucky that I went through a miscarriage. I confronted him with this and he said he'd had a few drinks at the time and wasn't thinking straight.

Looking at the date of the messages I don't think he'd had anything to drink that day. I can't even look at him right now. I don't think I would be in the wrong to leave him over this.

[Brodicea]

I was on match.com a couple of years ago and I never get messages because I closed my account - very dodgy.
As for the conversation: it is true that people say things off the cuff on Facebook etc, but it does sound like a real arsehole thing to say. Beware of any man who has to say 'banter' like that and present like 'one of the laaaads' - real childish crap.

[piratecat]

if he's with you why didn't he deregister from the date sites too.

just wondering.

I am very sorry for your loss op. xx

[KellyElly]

Yep, get rid. Whether he is cruel or not he is definately immature and has no sense of boundries or what's appropriate. Onwards and upwards OP, I'm sure you can do much better :)

[glastocat]

He sounds bloody awful, there is no way I would forgive that.

[butterfingerz]

He sounds nasty and deranged, dump him... can you imagine wasting anymore of your life on this nutter?

Please, you deserve much better, even being alone would be better than being with a pathetic shite like that.

Sorry, just the things you describe make me shudder, just such horrible things to say.

[IvorHughJackolantern]

Jesus Christ, get rid. What a bloody awful sounding man.

I'm so sorry for your mc. I'm glad that you feel he was supportive at the time but that support should be ongoing, and it's not.

You're worth more than this.

[MyGoldenNotebook]

God - just have to say that I had missed quite a few of your additional posts when I wrote my first comment OP. The googling is really disturbing. There's much more than expressing frustrated feelings going on here.

[PedanticPanda]

I couldn't come back from a comment like that, it would be over for me.

I'm very sorry for your mc, I hope you had support from others.

[Devora]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sorry, too, that you read this.

Can you come back from it? I don't know. There's two parts to this: could a reasonable man have said those things and not meant them, and can you get over the fact that he said them at all? Everyone can be stupid sometimes, especially if they're drunk, showing off, or conflicted about something. But the context for this is that he doesn't want children with you (at this time, anyway) and that will (rightly) make it harder for you to trust him.

Let me tell you something that I don't often talk about. When I was 16 I was engaged to this bloke, and pregnant. One night we were hanging out with his mates and they got talking about a gang rape that had happened at their school. He had been present when it happened. The others were laughing about it, and I went cold inside. I asked him why he didn't stop it, or get help, and he said he was too busy enjoying the view.

Later that night, when the others had gone, I challenged him and he was really upset, saying that at the time he was terrified and didn't know what to do, that his mates treated him like some kind of scallywag hero that he witnessed this, and he didn't know how to step back from it and talk about how awful it really was. And you know what? I think I believe him. But it didn't matter. I couldn't go on from there. There was no way I could let him touch me after that. It had just triggered something in me that couldn't be ignored.

I suspect that your dp may have just hit your trigger. But only you can know for sure. Best of luck.

[Softlysoftly]

I've read this before, I know I've read this somewhere before.

But with small differences, god to think there's more than one bloke out there who could be so horrible.

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

How hurtful. I don't see the point of being in a relationship with someone like that.

[lurkingaround]

He's a peach.
I normally don't post here but can't not post here.
This is so disrespectful to you and your loss. He is privileged to have been a part of your pregnancy. I can't begin to tell you how dreadful I think he is. I know it's not ideal to be looking at his personal stuff. But take it and use this information to your benefit. You are lucky to find out now how horrible he is, imagine if you found out in another 3 years. Let him go. Pull the shutters.

So sorry for your loss.

[halloweeneyqueeney]

I speak about my MC, and potential parenthood at that time, that way though. It physically happens to the women, but two people will have strong feelings about the massive change to their lives becomming a parent represents, surely thats what was meant by "right to an interior life"? He's been sensitive enough to not bluntly express it to her but it is how he feels about thinking a baby was on the way for a time

[pommesdeterreetfromageblanc]

run whoiswatching run!

[MaBaya]

Its pretty low to speak about your life partner and a miscarriage in that way. It doesnt make him sound like a good bloke, no.

[AThingInYourLife]

LOL at his "right to an interior life" :o

The OP has a right to a partner who isn't a cunt in his "interior life".

[AThingInYourLife]

Now you know that he is a card carrying misogynist.

"Lucky for me mine lost hers" as a flippant response to a mate having his son for the weekend is truly fucking horrible.

It dehumanises
1 you ("mine")
2 his friend's son (he implies his friend's life would be better if his boy had not been born
3 the baby you lost ("hers")

On no planet is that one man expressing his relief to his friend.

That's a man who hates women showing off to his male friend by being hateful about women and children.

Now you know his worth. It is zero

I guess you too might come to be glad you don't have children by this scummer, even though you regret your miscarriage.

[MyGoldenNotebook]

That should read he does still need

I'm also very sorry for your loss.

[MyGoldenNotebook]

Oh dear you must be feeling very upset right now. What he has said seems very cold and insensitive, but it might not reflect the way he truly feels. Facebook messages are very much like speech - usually unthought out, unedited and very much heat of the moment. Unfortunatley, unlike speech they are permanently recorded.

I have said some awful things about DH when I have been in a rage / hurt / frustrated with him. I don't think I've truly meant a single one of them but sometimes it's good to vent. Sometimes we say things we don't mean and are very glad that there's no one else around to hear them.

The flirty messages are possibly nothing serious. Lots of people flirt with friends and get pleasure from it, and it doesn't mean anything. It does hurt when you stumble across it though.

A few months ago I found a string of emails that my DH had sent where he was being visciously nasty about my brother to two of his awful smug friends (I do snoop occasionally because he cheated on me a number of times when we were younger, and I need reassurance ... I'm doing it much less as the years go by and will hopefully be able to stop at some point). It felt so disloyal and I was very hurt. But you know, his parents often do my head in big time and if I was to write at length about them ... well, it wouldn't be pretty. My mum knows how I feel! But we don't communicate via facebook :)

We're allowed interior lives and our own opinions - even if they are potentially hurtful. But of course he doesn still need to be sensitive to yours. As long as other than this you do think that he loves you and you have a supportive and equal relationship. You perhaps need to discuss what you see in the future too.

[arthurfowlersallotment]

I would never be able to come back from this OP. It's the most insensitive thing I've heard of in a long time and shows utter disregard for you.

Presuming you want children in the future, would you really want them with this utter prick as their father?

I'd give him his lunch in a road map and leave the door open for someone else who would actually love and respect you.

So sorry about your MC. Please look after yourself.

[CuriousMama]

I was on pof and I don't get updates now i'm off it?

He sounds a real catch So sorry about your loss I know how it feels.

[Timetoask]

Well, you now know how he feels about children and having a family. If both of you don't feel the same way about something life changing like this, then you are really not suited. I would break up sooner rather than later.

[pictish]

Well...it would be over for me. No ifs no buts - just over.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

he has also googled 'how to make a miscarriage happen' and 'my girlfriend is pregnant and I don't want it'

Well, that is another matter entirely. What was he gonna do...kick you in the stomach or put you in a bath of gin

He sounds like a prick and although I think people are entitled to their own private thoughts...........get rid!!

[KenLeeeeeee]

Eeek, he sounds like an utter tosspot. You would be well shot of him. Try to think of this as a lucky opportunity to have found out what a total arsehole he is before you're stuck with him forever.

I'm really sorry for your loss too x