To wonder if I'm marrying the right man?

[takesthebiscuit]

The wedding is booked and paid for. Our friends have forked out for hen/stag dos, accommodation and probably gifts. If I called it off now I would feel terrible.

But I can't shake this feeling that I might be making a mistake. I don't know what to do.

I live DP, we've been together 11 years, engaged 9 and only just had the money to enable us to get married. We also have 3 DCs. Why I'm with him - he makes me laugh, he's very funny and sometimes I can't stay mad at him. We also have a lot of history and on a practical level he is a hard worker with a good job and owns his own home. Most importantly he is a good father.

BUT - he is very traditional re women's/mans roles in the house. I do everything and the cast majority of child care. I don't mind this being a SAHM but he won't help on weekends. I can't talk to him either because of his fundamental view about what my role should be. I notice this is a common theme on here though so maybe I should accept it? Perhaps he can be trained?

He acts like I should be grateful for him allowing me to live in his house. I find this very upsetting. He will sometimes accuse me of being lazy when the house is a mess but I can never get it to his standards and he underestimates how long things take and how hard it can be looking after a toddler all day. He thinks I shouldn't take her to classes etc until the house is spotless, but, I think it's good for her and the house will only get messed up again. I do my best. I also volunteer two mornings a week.

I'm beginning to lose my attraction for him. He's not a conventionally good looking bloke anyway but I have always found him physically attractive. Recently though, something has changed. His fears turn my stomach and sometimes when we're laid in bed and I've been breathing his fumes for hours I feel stabby. He eats with his mouth full. People post pictures of him drunk on FB and he looks a mess. It's embarrassing. I don't go out drinking with him anymore because he's a total teat when drunk. He's a selfish lover. I very rarely finish so to speak.

None of these things are massive issues in themselves but we are arguing a lot more recently. That could be because of the stress of the wedding, or it could be that I joined MN a couple of months ago and my views are starting to change re what is acceptable in a relationship. But I also worry that we are just incompatible and it will never work. I've changed since we met. Or is this all just cold feet and normal thought processes when it sinks in that this will be the only man I will ever be with, for the rest of my life?

I have issues with men anyway so it's not like I think I can find better. What do I do?

OP - do be very careful with relationship counselling. Your self-esteem does indeed seem to be at rock bottom and you could get rail-roaded in couples counselling. Although - if you were not too embarrassed to bring up the fact of being pushed around to the extent that you leave the room to fart because he won't tolerate it, then at least the counsellor can see the massive imbalance of power in your relationship. On the other hand, it does sound like you are somewhat "checked out" of the relationship and using your nearly 2 year old as an excuse to not go out etc. - the wrong counsellor together with his views if you don't speak up in counselling could end up with it sounding like you are a mother who puts all into her children and ignores partner and you could come away feeling like you need to give into him even more.

How's your physical health? It sounds like you live on eggshells -to the extent of even having to monitor your own bodily functions - I'd imagine you are really tense a lot of the time, can't be good for your health?

Sounds like you saw person-centred counsellors before. Have a look at a book called "overcoming low-self esteem" by Melanie Fennell and, if it looks helpful for you, get yourself a CBT therapist, NHS does a lot of it now.

Meanwhile, as others have said, you really need to think of protecting yourself financially. You have not avoided work because you are a lazy gold-digger, you have have avoided work because your partner wanted you to. It may well be best to get married for financial reasons. Don't worry about the guests or your parents though. Time to worry about yourself!

If you met at 17 and been together 11 years are you only 28 now? It would be really sad to think of you spending the rest of your life being controlled and pushed around in a sexually unfulfilling relationship - you say he had affairs before the children, are you sure nothing continues? Cyber sex, porn etc?

A lot of people these days are only just starting to realistically work at a career at your age, having been to uni and travelled etc so there is massive scope for you to get a career if you can organise childcare.

If you're having to wonder..I would say he's the wrong guy...sorry. :(

(plus, if you haven't managed to 'train' him after 11 years, what on earth makes you think you'll be able to do it just because you are married to him?)

I'm sorry to say but I think you should call the wedding of.I had loads of worries about my soon 2bH the first time I got married but went ahead with the wedding because I didn't want to let everyone else down.We lasted 7 years and every single day for me was horrendous.

By the end of the seven years he had made me feel so awful it took ages to get him to leave and even longer to get him to leave me alone.

I've gone onto re marry a brilliant man and I had none of the doubts I had about my ex.

Oh gosh you are only about 28? You have a potentially very bright future in front of you then, three DCs already sprogged, the youngest you are currently still BFing will be in school before you know it (dunno why but time speeds waaaay up around 30, lots of people find that!) and then you can plunge into at least P/T work. It's just a matter of getting through the immediate future.

(I say "just" - easy for me to dismiss two years of financial uncertainty, I know! I'm just trying to show how your general situation looks from the outside.)

That's seriously good advice Eurostar. x

I was talked into going ahead with my first wedding, I knew that it was wrong. My grandma died a week before the wedding and I wanted to cancel but no one would let me "Oh your grandma wouldnt want that..." and then I confided in my sister that I didnt want to marry him. She said it was jitters blah blah and gave the emotional blackmail about the money that had been spent.

So i went through with it.

We last two and a half years from first date to him moving back to his mums. It was awful. I thought that I could make it work but I couldnt. His selfishness and jealousy got worse from day one, we didnt even have sex for a week after we got married.

Please, dont do this to yourself.
xx

Thank you to all who have replied. I will look into all the information posted and into CBT.

I'm feeling a little stunned right now. I didn't expect everyone to say I should leave. And how do you all know he's so bad from the small clues I gave?

I know you're all right, I really do. Just seems incredibly daunting right now. In reality I think I will probably have to go through with the wedding then sort things out after that. I can't think of an alternative that won't be massively shit for my DCs.

They are my entire world and although you wouldn't think it to read my posts, I am very happy, they give me happiness. It's just him spoiling it .

I know I'm not meant to read the replies this way, but for those of you on second happier marriages, makes me think if I could just put up with him for a while, I can be happy when my DCs are grown.

Soditall ditto ditto ditto. Had doubts with my first H, married him anyway. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. I am now married to my wonderful, housework doing, loving, sweet DH who has faults but don't we all. I didn't have kids with my first so you are in a much more complicated situation. However, things don't get better when you marry, particularly with men who think like yours does.

As for disappointing/upsetting people by calling off a wedding... lots of my friends told me that I made a mistake and they wish I had called it off. Only one was brave enough to tell me I could call it off before the wedding, I wish I had listened to him. BTW I got remarried at well over 30 and had DD pushing 40. Your life is not over by a very long way.

x-posted. Remember that when your children have grown they will have grown up seeing your relationship as the norm. Do you want that?

"small clues"

He is selfish, does no housework, bully's you, doesn't respect you and has had three affairs. He gives you no sexual satisfaction and belittles your opinions. He's a nasty drunk and has double standards.

Are those 'small clues'?

Interesting that his more 'traditional' views didn't extend to marrying you before the children came on the scene.

I don't mean that as a criticism of ANYONE in a relationship with DCs and no ring on their finger, I mean that as an observation of his views which seem to be entirely self-suiting.

If you're having doubts then you definitely need to reconsider. There are many practicalities to consider, particularly the support of your DC's, although in an every day sense you seem to be doing everything anyway, but if you are going to end the relationship then some financial support from him is going to be necessary.

(Sorry if all this has been said, but I'm coming late to the thread and am trying to post whilst being interrupted by DH and DD)

Hi Biscuit. Congratulations, this is only the second AIBU thread I've read in four years on MN where every single poster said yanbu. Best wishes for the future. And btw, I wouldn't want to stick with a womanising, farting misogynist either. So you continue your 100% agreement record!

I do find myself feeling tense if I know he's coming home and I haven't done enough house work. He works away occasionally and it is bliss! I often think if he would leave us in the house I would be happy but then I couldn't pay the bills.

The way I handle him varies. Sometimes I will try harder to please him, other times I fight my corner, hence the rows. He sometimes says to me that if I just did the housework we would get on better. He just doesn't get it. I gully intend to let the councillor know about our relationship, but having never been before, I don't know what to expect.

Oh dear imperial, I'm guessing that's nothing to be proud of?

Yes, I honestly thought I hadn't portrayed the worst of him. I thought there might be some LTBs but not as many.

I hope when he said, that if I just did the housework we would get on better you said: and if you weren't selfish in bed, a cheat, a controlling bully, a misogynist, allergic to housework and smelly farter, we would also probably get on better.

takesthebiscuit that's how I felt with my ex.I was constantly feeling angst and my stomach would be in knots.When I split up from my ex husband I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old and he left me with loads of debts.

But I managed and I've gone onto have 3 more children and have the life with my now husband that I always wanted.

I honestly think the younger the children are when a relationship ends the easier it is for them.I'm sure if I'd waited till they were teenagers it would have come as a huge surprise to them and would have been so much harder.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Don't add in the cost of the wedding or the things people have paid for, firstly a wedding is cheaper than a divorce (in all manor of speaking) and secondly your loved ones will understand and would hate for you to be miserable just because it was all organised.
He sounds v.v.v.selfish, you have put up with it longer than an awful lot of people would

You do not have issues with men! I would have issues with your man.He sounds totally selfish and you are putting up with it. I think you know the answer to your question. You don't want to get married, do not settle for this. Would you stay with him if you weren't getting married? I guess you have to be prepared for the split, if you don't get married to him.

OP, it was different circumstances (my ex cheated) but my wedding was cancelled with two months to go. Yes, it was awful having to tell people, cancel the honeymoon, dress, photographer etc. It was one of the worst times of my life. However, now I look back and thank my lucky stars I didn't marry the cheating, lying scumbag. In short, I had a lucky escape. I'm now a single parent and my ex chose not to bother seeing DS or pay for him but you know what? We manage. And I'm bringing him up with decent values and morals.

I read something great on MN recently and it went something like this (paraphrased, as I can't remember the exact wording): the only thing worse than spending 11 years in a crap relationship, is spending one more day in that relationship.

Have a think how you want your (and your DC's) life to be in one year/five years/ten years' time. Do you still want to be with this man who doesn't respect you or your needs, who cheats on you and puts unrealistic expectations on you? If so, go ahead and marry him. If not, make plans to leave - before the wedding. Don't make the mistake of thinking things will improve with marriage. They won't. They'll get worse and you'll still feel trapped, and after the wedding you won't want to leave because people made the effort to come to the wedding/bought you expensive presents/some other excuse. There'll always be an excuse not to leave a relationship, no matter how unbearably shit it is. You need to turn this around and look for decent, genuine reasons to stay. Can't find any? Thought not.

I think the best thing you can do is take some time away from DH. Request he book some time off to look after the kids and go and spend some time with friends, relatives or on your own. He needs to understand fully what it feels like to run a household and look after the kids. You need time away from things to step back and reflect on your relationship.

In your shoes I would show him your post and say you have serious concerns at the moment and just need to think things through.

Biscuit, just stop for a minute. Clear your mind. Sit somewhere quietly for a bit.

Then think honestly about how you will feel spending the next 40 years of your life waking up every day next to this man.

Really feel how that would be. Think about reaching 70 and still being with him.

Think about all the hopes and dreams and ambition that you secretly have for your life, all those things you would love to do or see. And think about whether you can do those or share those with him.

Then hold on to that feeling and act on it.

If the feeling is positive and brimming with hope for the future, then ignore everything else I write...

I left my abusive husband 3 years ago with DD and DS (18months and 3 at the time). I had nothing. There were a raft of benefits to help tide me over. Lots of solicitors and CAB people to give me advice and let me know my rights. Family to support me. Even if your family didn't provide a great template for you, do you think they would help you? Let you and the kids stay with you for a while?

You are too young and too amazing and too brave to waste your future with this man. he doesn't deserve you.

Gosh just read the whole thread. I can understand your serious doubts. Maybe leaving him is the best option.

Please don't stay with him because you think it is best for your DC's. Children learn from their parents' behaviour. How will you teach them that your 'partner's' behaviour is wrong if you tolerate it?
You and your DC deserve better!

OP, pretend this is your daughter telling you all this.
What would you say? What would you want for her?

You have legal training, you could get a job.
Get advice - you may not be married but he would have to support his children, wouldn't he?

Unless he is prepared to treat you as an equal, don't marry this man.