To wonder if I'm marrying the right man?

[takesthebiscuit]

The wedding is booked and paid for. Our friends have forked out for hen/stag dos, accommodation and probably gifts. If I called it off now I would feel terrible.

But I can't shake this feeling that I might be making a mistake. I don't know what to do.

I live DP, we've been together 11 years, engaged 9 and only just had the money to enable us to get married. We also have 3 DCs. Why I'm with him - he makes me laugh, he's very funny and sometimes I can't stay mad at him. We also have a lot of history and on a practical level he is a hard worker with a good job and owns his own home. Most importantly he is a good father.

BUT - he is very traditional re women's/mans roles in the house. I do everything and the cast majority of child care. I don't mind this being a SAHM but he won't help on weekends. I can't talk to him either because of his fundamental view about what my role should be. I notice this is a common theme on here though so maybe I should accept it? Perhaps he can be trained?

He acts like I should be grateful for him allowing me to live in his house. I find this very upsetting. He will sometimes accuse me of being lazy when the house is a mess but I can never get it to his standards and he underestimates how long things take and how hard it can be looking after a toddler all day. He thinks I shouldn't take her to classes etc until the house is spotless, but, I think it's good for her and the house will only get messed up again. I do my best. I also volunteer two mornings a week.

I'm beginning to lose my attraction for him. He's not a conventionally good looking bloke anyway but I have always found him physically attractive. Recently though, something has changed. His fears turn my stomach and sometimes when we're laid in bed and I've been breathing his fumes for hours I feel stabby. He eats with his mouth full. People post pictures of him drunk on FB and he looks a mess. It's embarrassing. I don't go out drinking with him anymore because he's a total teat when drunk. He's a selfish lover. I very rarely finish so to speak.

None of these things are massive issues in themselves but we are arguing a lot more recently. That could be because of the stress of the wedding, or it could be that I joined MN a couple of months ago and my views are starting to change re what is acceptable in a relationship. But I also worry that we are just incompatible and it will never work. I've changed since we met. Or is this all just cold feet and normal thought processes when it sinks in that this will be the only man I will ever be with, for the rest of my life?

I have issues with men anyway so it's not like I think I can find better. What do I do?

"When is a short marriage not a short marriage? These days it would seem to be where there has been pre-marriage cohabitation, a child born to the marriage...
...The prevailing view is that "where a relationship moves seamlessly from cohabitation to marriage without any major alteration in the way the couple live", it is artificial to treat the periods differently. In essence, the pre-marriage cohabitation is added to the length of the marriage."

www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed233

It may add up to more in your eyes, but the divorce court just looks at the date on the marriage cert and the financial papers showing how much you contributed to the mortgage and other joint expenses.

Oh what OnwardBound said.
You need support in RL.

Both to check how you are really feeling about your relationship and to check financial issues re marriage etc...

Are you legally qualified panicking?

Your doubts and concerns sound morel like something that would lead to a divorce. No way would I consider marrying the man you describe. Unless, as posted above, you would do it for purely pragmatic reasons and divorce him shortly after. Emotionally, however, divorce would be a very difficult thing to do. I suspect he would become even more possessive once you have legalised your relationship.
I do not know your financial circumstances and levels of support you have, but I would run like hell from a marriage like that. Just think what kind environment it is for your kids when they see their mother being treated like that.

as someone who had the same doubts but went through with the wedding thinking that i was just getting "normal wedding jitters" 5 years on im getting seperated and actually really dont like the man i married.

your not having "wedding Jitters" your experienceing gut instinct IMO

at the very very least i would postpone the wedding but definitely think about cancelling

Well it's a bit late now you have 3 children with him. If you split up now you would be a lot worse off than if you got married then divorced. I would marry him now, decide about the relationship later.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I will try and answer some of the points raised.

Yes, I do believe being on MN has compounded my views that perhaps I deserve better than I am getting. I say he is a good dad because he loves his children and whilst he is happy to play with them and take them to activities, parties etc. he refuses to do things such as pick their clothes out, bath them, although he does change nappies. One if my biggest fears is that my daughters will emulate our relationship. I tell him this often and ask how he would feel if it was our DCs were being treated that way. His reply varies depending on what the point I was trying to prove was.

I guess I am talking about the relationship as well as the marriage because if I were to call the wedding off, it would mean splitting up too. My immediate concern is that feeling as I do now that I wouldn't be able to say the vows in church which I feel very strongly about.

I'm not sure what has brought this change about it could be a combination of things. I do wonder if things have got worse as we are about to marry it has shifted both out attitudes about what we want and expect.

I don't suppose marriage does change anything practically, I am under no illusion that it will 'improve' our relationship. But, I would like go have the same surname as my DCs and I am aware that I am in a stronger position re the courts as a married coupled versus cohabitees. I am more aware than most as I have a law degree and post grad training. I fell pregnant during my post grad so put my career on hold and will go back to it once youngest is in preschool.

In a practical level, I could not afford to live on my own. I have alot of debt which I would need to clear first. I would not be entitled to his house. He bought it outright before I met him, I have not contributed to a mortgage etc. he has said that the house will be put into joint names once we are married.

I have major issues with men. My father treated my mother exactly as DP treats me and he still does. I do not believe good men exist and to be honest, it's DP or nobody. I wouldn't want to go through this again.

Sorry for the typos - fears is farts - they are disgusting and I can't imagine having to put up with that for the rest if my life. Not a major issue but inputs me off him. I do wish he wouldn't get blind drunk but its not so often these days that he goes out, although he has uttered the words 'babysit' and I put him straight on that! In not that bothered about sex tbh. I don't think he does it on purpose, it's more he can't control himself iyswim?

We have a session booked with a relationship councillor this week so I'm hoping it can teach us to communicate better. We shall see.

But for now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to let all our wedding guests down but then I don't think my wedding day will be a happy occassion if our relationship doesn't improve before then. It has been a rough patch though, not sure whether this is normal fur couples and just something you have to work through. I do love him very much and I want to what is right by our DCs too.

How far off is the wedding, since it's all booked and paid-for, stag and hen nights past and so on?

Old lady, the wedding is in 2 months.

I have major issues with men. My father treated my mother exactly as DP treats me and he still does. I do not believe good men exist

This is not a relationship counsellor that you need but a counsellor for yourself.
As you have seen, you are just re-enacting what your mum did. Is it what you want for your dds?

Re the marriage, I guess it depends on how important the vows are to you. I would be worried that you would go ahead with the wedding and then feel you can't get divorced because of your vows.

I'm hoping it can teach us to communicate better.

You don't need to communicate better though. What you need is for your expectations re respect for each other and division of the work and home is different (More respect of the work you do with your dcs, more input on his side re chilcare etc...).
Seeing that he has strong views on that, do you think it's likely to change?

OldLady is right. Under 4 years may well be a short marriage, but cohabitation prior to marriage and raising a family of three kids would be taken into account if the joint marital assets came to be divided.

I'd get married and then see how you felt. You'd have far greater financial protection in the event of a break up for both you and the children.

I think you'd be mad not to, after what you've put up with all these years!

It depends on what your debts are but if your were living somewhere else with your dcs then you would go to CAB with a list of all your debts, they would figure out how much you could afford to pay after living expenses and help you contact the companies your debts were with so you were making token payments. Debts don't come before living expenses!

Your children are going to repeat this cycle.

You do not sound compatible and he sounds like he is both unattractive and living in the 1950s.

If you were my friend or relative I wouldn't be bothered about if I had bought a dress/gift. I would want you to be happy and would support you.

Lady, I have been to councelling twice before. Once organised by my doctor and another time through uni. I didn't find it helpful at all. Both were male councelling and they just looked bored while I poured my heart out and interjected with the odd 'and how did that make you feel?'. I don't have a problem understanding why I feel the way I do. What I need is help with changing how I feel which I can't see how to do.

Yes, you are right lady. I don't think his view could never be changed but I think it would take someone he respects or in authority to change his mind. He was once really opposed to me breast feeding until the midwife pointed out how beneficial it is. Then he was totally pro breast feeding and got upset when I wanted to mix feed DC3. Part of the problem is that all his friends think and act the same way. There is nobody to challenge his opinion except me and he doesn't believe me when I say not all men don't help in the house. He also thinks that everybody else lives in immaculate houses and he's very hard done by. His sister certainly keeps hers immaculate. I don't know how she does it. I'm not naturally tidy - I was brought up in a shit hole which sent my dad round the bend, but I try and keep our house much nicer than that.

Thanks again for the replies.

I have worked for the cab before so have some understanding of what would happen. I just can't see how I would manage financially with any debt at all - in fact - just at all as I would be on benefits for a time at least.

This might sound like I'm a gold digger too but I know I could never amass any sort of financial security for my DCs without DP. I would never be able to afford my own home without him. At least if I stayed we could have a lovely family home - I would just have to put up with his farts etc!

I know this sounds like I'm defending him - I do know that a lot of his behaviour is completely unacceptable - burning thinking I'm not perfect either. I think part of the problem is that I don't make the effort either. I'm wondering what his AIBU would be about me?

We never go out together anymore because DC3 is still breast feeding, I'm co-sleeping (which DP hates) and still wakes in the night. This all makes it impossible to get babysitters plus I feel guilty about leaving her (she's nearly 2 btw).

Maybe I should make more of an effort to reconnect with him before I write our relationship off?

Thank you quietly for giving me a positive example. The problem is, I think men like your dh are few and far between and even so, I have self esteem issues, I don't think they'd ever want to be with me. Particularly as I have 3 DCs. I'm not sure if even want to be with someone else anyway. But it does highlight there is no real excuse for dps behaviour.

I'm not sure what you should do.

It is quite clear that you don't love this man any more. Because honestly everybody farts. No big deal. You hate it because you don't want to be near him. Also re the sex, that is something that can be worked on....but only if you trust and love each other and want to put in the effort.

I think that you really need to put a lot of effort into relationship counceling. I also think you need to tell him that you are having 2nd thoughts and exactly why. Tell him that for you to marry him you need him to help with the kids, tidy up at weekends, and whatever else you need him to do.

You may love him again if he worked on all this. WIth 3 children I think it's worth working at it.

Take care.

Yes there are good men. I have one.

But he has annoying habits too.

Other thing I would add is that getting a cleaner reduced arguments in our household. Money very well spent.

Thanks slippery. I think I do love him but I see your point.

The fart thing, they are honestly vile. They cut through my sleep like smelling salts. Part of the issue is that I am absolutely not allowed to fart in front of him. He thinks its disgusting coming from a woman. I have to give him the courtesy if going out of the room to do it but he trumps away at his hearts content. He actually thinks its really funny and is very proud of it. How do other people put up with vile habits like that?

tbh you don't sound like a gold digger.
More of a woman who is afraid to be on her own and to provide financially for her 3 dcs.
It clear from your posts that you already know that you won't get the house (It's his ...), your debts are all yours (do I dare asking if you have accumulated these debts during the time you were together?). It's leaving me with the feeling that you don't expect any financial support from your DP if/when you get separated.

I think you are looking for excuses and reasons as to why it would be better for you to stay in what is an unhappy relationship and how this must be somehow your fault (because of course, you should make of an effort, you should reconnect with him, you are still bfing, you are not perfect...). Can you hear how much you are putting yourself down?

I normally very clearly adopt the position that in a relationship both partners have some responsibility. In your case, your responsibility is to think you do not deserve more respect than he is giving yo nor will you ever get more than that.

It's normal to have doubts before a wedding, but this goes beyond the usual jitters.

But you are already committed to this man - you will be tied to him forever through your children. A marriage certificate might make some financial difference if you split, but imo the big commitment was made when you first became pregnant.

takes can't you see? 2 persons, 2 rules. he can do as he likes and joke about something that you obviously find disgusting. But you have to go out of the room.

What else is OK for him to do not so OK for you to do?
Not doing the HW
Going out and getting drunk
Being extremely critical
Expecting perfection (from you but does he have the same standards for himself?)
He is picking and choosing How can that the basis of an equal and respectful relationship?