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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 yr old daughter has been taken by her father for weekend and says shes not coming back

42 replies

alicatmandu · 07/10/2012 20:24

Help, he messes with her head, he has no PR. bad things happen when he has her, he is not consistant, only sees her when it suits him, should i call police, social services? i told him if she not back by 8.45 im calling police.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 07/10/2012 20:25

If he has no PR, I'd call the police now.

MelodyPondering · 07/10/2012 20:25

He has no PR, I would call police now.

McHappyPants2012 · 07/10/2012 20:25

It's a tricky one because the police or SS can not force her to come home.

MelodyPondering · 07/10/2012 20:26

X post!

whiteandyelloworchid · 07/10/2012 20:27

i would call the policenow
best of luck op, how worryign for you
have you and your dd fallen out?

gordyslovesheep · 07/10/2012 20:29

right - WHO says she is not comming back? Have you spoken to her - is she safe and well? How will she get to school tomorrow?

I think you need to establish some facts before calling in the cavalry - yes police if he is keeping her there and denying you contact

auntmargaret · 07/10/2012 20:30

Call the police. If he has no PR, it is considered child abduction. Hugs to you.

Fishwife1949 · 07/10/2012 20:33

First of all please dont make any more threats unless ypur going to follow them up

2nd she is 13 most likey thinks the grass is greener if hes as shot as you say then he will fuck up and she will be him before you know despite what any child says children want rules and boundries and a consistant carer
Also he will bulk at the cost if hes being paying you mainternce hes been getting a discount up till know teenagers are not cheap

It will be fun for a while but eating pot nooddle and no one hiving a shit about were you are gets old very quickly

Inform the school ask them to rings ss the first sighn of her not coming into school,being late , not dressed ect

And just. Tell her you love her and when she wants to come bak you will be waiting i would avoid talking about it more dont get drawn into drama

She is 13 getting the police to drag her home will KILL what little is left she will resent you and ex will have upper hand

Fishwife1949 · 07/10/2012 20:35

DO NOT CALL THE POLICE i am enclined to think a 13 can decied which parent they want to live with and the fact you were letting her stay with him at weekends shows me he is NO danger to her just a pratt maybe

DontmindifIdo · 07/10/2012 20:38

Hmm, if you have threatened the police, follow through, although I would call back to your ex and tell him you are calling the police and as he doesn't have PR they will treat it as child abduction. A 13 year old girl might say "i don't care" then tell her Dad you've know she's not coming home and that's it, you need to spell it out to him what's about to happen.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2012 20:39

Not enough info OP

Why isn't she coming home?

Is it his choice or hers and have you spoken to her?

Fishwife1949 · 07/10/2012 20:42

No one has yet talked about why the relationship has broken down so much she wants to stay with her dad

Or maybe she thinks its going o be a bit of a jolly

Personally i couldnt think of anything worse than living with a teenager who wants to be somone were else

Viviennemary · 07/10/2012 20:44

Well unless I thought for some reason she wouldn't be safe I certainly wouldn't call the police. Because that will escalate things and make her feel you are the one in the wrong whatever the facts are. I expect in a few days she will come home.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2012 20:45

No one has yet talked about why the relationship has broken down so much she wants to stay with her dad

That's because we don't know it has Confused

Then again, we don't know he'll be feeding her Pot Noodles either?

The OP really needs to take a deep breath and explain.

Original poster
alicatmandu · 07/10/2012 20:47

All the things you say about grass greener is true and he is a pratt, im sure if she did want to stay with him then it wont last, however she took an overdose in feb while in his care and there is more. He has messed with her head over the years, i am uncertain what to do right now

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 07/10/2012 20:50

From what you said in your last post, I would call the police right now. Whether or not she has to come back it will send a very clear message to both of them. To her it will show how much you care and worry about her, she may not see it now but will when she's older. To him it shows you are not to be trifled with when it cones too dd and you are on the case. Please call them now.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2012 20:52

Have you actually spoken to your DD?

Why doesn't she want to come home?

Fishwife1949 · 07/10/2012 20:55

alicatmandu sorry are you saying he caused the over dose because if she wanted to do it i doubut you would hve been able to stop her unless watching her 24 hours 7 days a week

If she comes back under duresss i think your relationship will break down

Do you really want the police to drag her kicking and screaming home

She is 13 and no court would force a 13 to live with a parent she didnt want to

I feel your pain i would be hart broken of ds wanted to stay with my ex

But like i said all you can do is tell her you love her and that your arms are open and dont get into drama which seems to be what you ex is all about

Fishwife1949 · 07/10/2012 20:57

akaemmafrost what message will it send a court will not make a child of 13 live with a parent they dont want to unless

The main carer can prove they are dangerous or the child is not of sound mind eg sn

QuickLookBusy · 07/10/2012 21:07

Alicat I think if you are worried about the safety of your dd you should call the police.

LDNmummy · 07/10/2012 21:14

Sorry but I disagree that calling the police will show her how much you care.

I would say try and resolve this another way or she may end up hating you and wanting to be away from you even more than she thinks she does now.

Why doesn't she want to come home OP?

I think you need to give more details before getting even a half way informed opinion on how to act on this.

I don't think jumping to call the police is the best option here at all, maybe an option, but not the instant fix it all option that is being made out.

Sorry to hear about your situation though!

NimpyWindowMash · 07/10/2012 21:28

OP, I guess there is a big back story here that we don't know. Have you been able to speak to your DD about her reasons for not wanting to come home?
Essentially I agree with everything Fishwife1949 says. Inform the school in case of any problems with attendance. Tell her you love her and she can come back whenever she wants.

DoMeDon · 07/10/2012 21:34

I think 'he messes withe her head' means he is some sort of abuser (emotional/mental). Leaving her there may leave her in a situation OP is not able to endure. There is not enough info TBH. If he is this bad why does she go to stay instead of supervised contact?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/10/2012 21:36

What's happened op?

Have you spoken to your dd?

Did you call the police?

ATourchOfInsanity · 07/10/2012 21:38

OP - I remember saying this to my mum at one point. Was at boarding school in the week but still...
When I eventually went to live with him for my A'levels, I realised that he:
a) only bought microwavable meals for 1
b) only had x1 knife/fork, plate and bowl which he washed after every use if it looked like it needed it
c) had never heard of any household cleaning products
d) was never home, left house at 6am for work, got home at 10pm (no discipline, which was fun for about 3 months then got lonely)
e) rarely asked how I was or knew much about me
f) would buy me naughty things like pot noodles etc, but didn't actually give advice or seem to care, as only a mum can.

RESULT - bad A'level results and strong desire to leave home.

Believe me, she will get bored and miss you. Promise.

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