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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to say to DH by all means travel 250miles for a night out but take the kids with him...

77 replies

cfc · 07/10/2012 19:28

Simplified title, as always, but here's the long and the short of it.

DH's best friend, who we all love, came home from Aus and he spend Saturday with him and other friends in London for a fab day/night out. I was so happy he got to see him, as they miss each other and DH has been working so very hard both in his job and with a new Degree he's just started (without much discussion with me re time that was going to be spent on this btw, but that's another thread).

I am currently pg with no. 3 and having a hell of a bad time with it. Hyperemesis, pain, depression, insomnia...not to mention the relentless whingeing of my boy and NOW the girl has turned!! I've broken down in front of the kids after being whinged at all day last week when DH was in USA for a week with work. Then on his return I broke down again after a particularly bad day where he was here, in body, but tucked away doing his studies.

I was genuinely happy with him meeting up with his mates as he really does deserve it, and so do they! I was happy to have yet another day and night alone with them and in the end we had visitors (not helpful visitors!!) so I wasn't alone or anything.

Anyway, tonight he's off at work so he can get something done so he can go meet same friend tomorrow and take the day off work. I need a day off - one fucking day off. Can he takea day off work to take the children out for me? No. I can't recall him taking both out at once anyway, he's shit scared of it!

Then, he asks if we're able to go to our home town (250 miles away) where our families live in a week and a half so that he can go out with said friend again and all his other friends. I won't go, I said, but of course he can go but he'll have to take the two kids. It would be great for them to see his parents before little one arrives and like I said there are his family and mine up there for babysitting duty when he's heading out with the lads.

He gets into the foulest of moods, asking why I won't go. I am having a fucking 'mare of a time - so sick. Having floated through my previous pregnancies I am finding this a real drag. Literally sometimes! I cannot imagine sitting in a car for that long at all. I have a primal urge to remain close to home and lastly I'd just LOVE to be left alone for a minute, nevermind a weekend!! I'd be able to sort out my house after our building work and finally nest and rest...but I swear this was NOT my first thought. My first thought was genuinely that I couldn't stand traveling and not being in my own bed whilst so close to the end.

I said to him, what's the difference? Do you want me to travel with you so that you have a nanny on tap? Was I not invited out with you? He stormed off out of the car accusing me of turning everything into an argument.

Sorry it's so long.

Was I unreasonable to tell him to go and take the kids with him?

OP posts:
Snog · 07/10/2012 19:33

yanbu

CaliforniaLeaving · 07/10/2012 19:33

He's being unreasonable, his friend comes home to visit and he wants to turn the clock back and have fun forgetting you are not up for travel and childcare. He should take the kids and let the gp's see them while he goes to see friend and you can get some rest.

GreatBallsofFluff · 07/10/2012 19:33

Yanbu

MonsterBookOfTysons · 07/10/2012 19:35

YANBU

NumericalMum · 07/10/2012 19:35

Yanbu

magnolia74 · 07/10/2012 19:35

Yanbu, how pg are you?

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 07/10/2012 19:35

Nope, YANBU at all.

frootshoots · 07/10/2012 19:36

YANBU. If I have counted correctly, the 250 mile trip will be his third night out with this long distance friend in 2 weeks. You deserve a break too, shocked he can't see that. Insist he takes the kids, and don't back down.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 07/10/2012 19:37

You are so not being unreasonable.

Before he goes, stock up on magazines, whatever you fancy nibble wise and some nice bubble bath. As soon as he is out that door, start running the bath, put clean sheets on the bed, have along soak, snuggle up and don't move until an hour before he is due back!

caeleth · 07/10/2012 19:37

Yanbu!

And he should take both dcs out and give you at least a days rest regardless of said trip... he needs to be able to cope with the two dcs while you're busy with the baby soon enough.

Soditall · 07/10/2012 19:37

YANBU he just has no idea how your feeling and what your poor body is going through right now.

Rather than telling him the names of what you have tell him how your feeling,tell him about the pains,sickness,being exhausted and after you've gave him a run down ask him if he'd really like to travel feeling like that.

If he's ever been really ill Flu/bad stomach ask him if he'd want to have done all that traveling then or would he have wanted to just stay in bed.

I think it's very hard for some people to imagine just how awful it can feel when they haven't had the same themselves.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy treats you better.

RandomMess · 07/10/2012 19:38

YANBU, he can still go out, he will still get child free time if the grandparents are happy to babysit, you get a much needed break. Sounds like a win win situation to me!

AThingInYourLife · 07/10/2012 19:38

YANBU

It sounds like he is the real person and you are his accessory.

MissAnnersley · 07/10/2012 19:40

YA absolutely NBU.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 07/10/2012 19:41

yanbu.

can't see how you are going to force him to take them.

things like this though lead to a drip drip drip breakdown in relationships (if they are not put right) as one partner begings to feel unloved and unappreciated.

travelling whilst feeling sick is grim. don't do it. if he does go without the children, find a way to make him feel the consequences, ie you are now too tired to do whatever xyz things need doing for him. (washing/ironing cooking meals for him, you are too sick to eat anything other than childrens food Wink )
too tired to carry his breakfast cereal home from the shops etc...

AllOverIt · 07/10/2012 19:41

YANBU!

Original poster
cfc · 07/10/2012 19:49

Thank you for your replies. I am 36 weeks and I swear not a days has passed where I've felt good. In my last pgs I was moving earth in the garden, lugging boulders, taking on my friend's little one one my due date as she had awful SPD etc etc.

I think I've just been so poorly for SO LONG he's become immune to it, which is amusing as he's the hypochondriac! My fave saying used to be "I'm never ill"!!

He has a self-acknowledged selfish streak, but we've worked on it together over the years (along with my faults) and now I wonder if we ought to be looking at getting some couples' therapy? And if so, when? Now, or when baby is here and after we can ascertain that things aren't getting better?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/10/2012 19:50

Er, no YANBU!

HenriettaChicken · 07/10/2012 19:52

Oh you poor thing. HG is hideous. There's no way you should travel, and no way you should be left looking after the kids. YANBU. AT ALL.

You need a rest; and your DH should support you in that.

Dozer · 07/10/2012 19:57

Obviously yanbu, but wtf was he doing taking on the time and expense of a degree course on top of full-time work and soon-to-be-three DC, without thorough consideration and discussion with you? That's terrible.

And "he deserves a break" is rubbish, when d'you get your break?

hippoCritt · 07/10/2012 19:59

I don't think he should be 250 miles away when you are 36 weeks especially if it involves drinking so he couldn't drive back straight away if required. He sounds like he needs a reality check.

Toothiepeg · 07/10/2012 19:59

So his thinking is that it would be a dandy idea for you to travel at 38 weeks, 250 miles, to look after your dc whilst he has a fab time out on the town? Yeah right!

Tell him he's being an arse. He can go if he takes the kids and arranged babysitters - or he can stay at home and live up to his responsibities. Either is fine. Him fecking off leaving you with the little ones is NOT.

What's you mil like? Worth getting her to tell him he's being a selfish pillock too?

yomellamoHelly · 07/10/2012 20:00

How about you arrange thing with the gps for when they're all there? Then say how you need a break, it's all agreed etc.... when you present it as a fait accompli and tell him he's taking the kids with him. And sort the bigger picture out later.

aufaniae · 07/10/2012 20:01

YANBU. I'm wondering if he though, is to consider going so far away when you're so close to the birth. Is he planning on going out drinking? What is the baby comes?

Although I can see you might consider the chance of getting some time off might be a risk worth taking?!

skateboarder · 07/10/2012 20:05

Yanbu.
I dont understand why he is cross if a) the dc will be looked after my either set of doting gp and b) he still gets to go out and see his friend.
Is it the journey that he cant face on his own with the dc? If he can go to the usa for a week, im sure he can take his dc for the weekend to see their gp and he is friend.

Just refuse to go & stay home.
Good luck with 3rd dc btw.