Was IBU to say to DH by all means travel 250miles for a night out but take the kids with him...

[cfc]

Simplified title, as always, but here's the long and the short of it.

DH's best friend, who we all love, came home from Aus and he spend Saturday with him and other friends in London for a fab day/night out. I was so happy he got to see him, as they miss each other and DH has been working so very hard both in his job and with a new Degree he's just started (without much discussion with me re time that was going to be spent on this btw, but that's another thread).

I am currently pg with no. 3 and having a hell of a bad time with it. Hyperemesis, pain, depression, insomnia...not to mention the relentless whingeing of my boy and NOW the girl has turned!! I've broken down in front of the kids after being whinged at all day last week when DH was in USA for a week with work. Then on his return I broke down again after a particularly bad day where he was here, in body, but tucked away doing his studies.

I was genuinely happy with him meeting up with his mates as he really does deserve it, and so do they! I was happy to have yet another day and night alone with them and in the end we had visitors (not helpful visitors!!) so I wasn't alone or anything.

Anyway, tonight he's off at work so he can get something done so he can go meet same friend tomorrow and take the day off work. I need a day off - one fucking day off. Can he takea day off work to take the children out for me? No. I can't recall him taking both out at once anyway, he's shit scared of it!

Then, he asks if we're able to go to our home town (250 miles away) where our families live in a week and a half so that he can go out with said friend again and all his other friends. I won't go, I said, but of course he can go but he'll have to take the two kids. It would be great for them to see his parents before little one arrives and like I said there are his family and mine up there for babysitting duty when he's heading out with the lads.

He gets into the foulest of moods, asking why I won't go. I am having a fucking 'mare of a time - so sick. Having floated through my previous pregnancies I am finding this a real drag. Literally sometimes! I cannot imagine sitting in a car for that long at all. I have a primal urge to remain close to home and lastly I'd just LOVE to be left alone for a minute, nevermind a weekend!! I'd be able to sort out my house after our building work and finally nest and rest...but I swear this was NOT my first thought. My first thought was genuinely that I couldn't stand traveling and not being in my own bed whilst so close to the end.

I said to him, what's the difference? Do you want me to travel with you so that you have a nanny on tap? Was I not invited out with you? He stormed off out of the car accusing me of turning everything into an argument.

Sorry it's so long.

Was I unreasonable to tell him to go and take the kids with him?

Good to hear Cfc. You are aware that things need to change and that is half the battle. For now though, you are a very tired, pregnant lady and your first priority is to look after yourself as best you can in preparation for the birth, and probably dismiss any ideas of tackling your issues with dh for at least the next 6 months, or until your baby is sleeping through the night and you are feeling a bit more like yourself. But dont rush it or your recovery. You sound like the kind of person who plays down your ailments and even from your last post feel like you have to get back to normal asap after your baby is born. Listen, having a baby, especially when you already have 2 little uns take a huge toll on your body, energy, emotions, hormones. They say it takes a woman around 18months to really get back to where she was when she got pregnant so:

1. TAKE IT EASY on yourself.
2. Dont expect to get back to normal energy levels etc too soon after baby arrives.
3. Take all the help you can get, and stop worrying about your dh and how hard all this is on HIM, YOU are the one who has had the god-awful pregnancy and gone through the birth, if anyone has the right to be ground down tis you!
4. When the time is right, and you feel strong, tackle this issue head on. Have the talk, get the counselling if necessary, and start to introduce that new World Order, he will get used to it, and it will be tough at first for you to stick to your guns but do it, because you ARE NOT the one being unreasonable here. Sometimes men need to be brought up short when they have had it all their own way for too long.

Take care of yourself, and you can always vent on here. God knows i certainly did!

Thanks again Irish. I am feeling better about the whole thing since our chat. We have come to an agreement with regards to traveling home - he made some saliant and factual points about sleeping arrangements, so he's taking the boy and leaving the girl with me. Which is grand - she seems to be in better form today and I've noticed a viral rash which usually signals the end of, yes, a virus (!) so she'll be in better form from now on methinks.

I'm not going to let it get this far again and I do believe that we could do with a couple's therapy session sometime in the future. But as for now, I don't have the energy for it tbh.

In other news, I have managed to make and eat a meal with my family so things are definitely on the up! Probably my weight first and foremost...not that that would be a bad thing.

Hang on, you're still not getting a rest?

If the sleeping arrangements don't allow him to bring both children then he should stay put and look after his children so you can get a break.

What possible problem can there be with sleeping arrangements that mean two small children can't be accommodated by two sets if grandparents?

You are having the piss ripped out of you.

So he's still going, then and he's still leaving you with one of the kids. I'm with AThing - he is taking the piss.

Yes - it does sound as if he's still manipulating you.

I cannot understand how there's no problem with the sleeping arrangements if you are there (as per his original plan), when there'd be four people to accommmodate; but when you don't go, and there's only three people to find beds for, it's suddenly not possible. He's at it.

Sweetheart, he's a selfish, manipulative fucker who's taking you for a ride. Stop trying to be reasonable because you're becoming a doormat - get angry and make him man up.

You said that he never takes both kids on at the same time - and here he goes again, even though it sounds as if much of the "burden" would be alleviated by willing grandparents as soon as he arrives. I too, simply don't understand how sleeping arrangements for 4 of you were no problem, but now there's one less adult going, it's apparently impossible to accommodate both children ??

Upshot is he gets to do what he wants without the "stress" - poor diddums - of having both of his own children to deal with. With your son at his grandparents, he can let his hair down secure in the knowledge that if he needs attention, the grandparents will take care of it.

Meanwhile, at 38 weeks pregnant - having been ill for months - you're still required to look after your daughter, without any extra help. One child may be easier than two, but it's still a responsibility as you obviously know, it still means that if she wakes in the night, you'll be disturbed too etc. It still means during waking hours you won't be able to properly relax because you have a responsibility to your daughter. And this is the last chance you're going to get for a very long time to have some time on your own when you can rest and try to recover a little from being so poorly.

He really is being an extremely selfish bastard here. You're relaying what's been decided almost as if he's doing you a favour - which he's not.

YANBU. Can you have a "brilliant idea" about the sleeping which means your little girl can go too?

If she doesn't go, do you have a plan for her childcare if you go into lan

YANBU. Can you have a "brilliant idea" about the sleeping which means your little girl can go too?

If she doesn't go, do you have a plan for her childcare if you go into labour?

If he goes but leaves DD with you, you'd be really stuck if you went into labour. You'd still need to find childcare, with husband and grandparents hundreds of miles away.

It's astounding that he'd want to leave you to go out, when you are so close to the birth and you have been so ill during pregnancy.

I'm struggling to see why 8 months of a bad pregnancy and hyperemesis and you not being yourself has ground him down. He needs to get more understanding, more helpful and less selfish. Right now, this needs to be more about you.

YANBU - if this was happening with me and DH, my DH would be saying "hey I've got an idea, why don't I take the kids to stay with mum and see X and give you a bit of a break" - he wouldn't need it suggesting. Your DH should man up.

YANBU

Although why the hell are you having a third, when. Your DP won't even take two out at once? Doesn't sound like he is fully behind this parenting business.

Re: the sleeping arrangements, it really does make sense (I won't go into it here, but I'm not being hoodwinked on this front anyway!).

It isn't all bad! During the worse times of tiredness etc he's sent me to a fantastic hotel/spa every Sat night for 6 weeks on the trot (more or less) so he isn't a lost cause.

I don't mind being left with the girl, she's easy. I would love it if the two were gone, but he is right about the space etc at his parents' house. I promise he is.

If I go into labour when he's away we have plans in place - the same plans as would be if it happened when he's here - rather WHEN it happens!! So no worries on that front anyway.

You are so right though, it needs to be about me now (and by default, baby). I told him as much last time we had a chat about our difficulties at the moment, in much the same words actually. I told him I didn't care if it had ground him down particularly, as I had littlee sympathy for much else apart from my own discomfort!!

So, today we've been to see consultant about ELCS which is booked in after my due date if I don't deliver before then. I think this has all brought it home to both of us just how close this is and there was lots of sympathy from the midwife with regards to this terrible pregnancy and shock at the weight difference in me - so someone gets it!

Thanks again all.

You can pick up readybeds quite cheaply, places like home bargains. Or an airbed and a sleeping bad. Or the kids can top and tail. If one small child can fit, so can another even if it's a squeeze.

You need a break, and he should be wanting to help you with that. Tell him HE is the one being negative about the sleeping arrangement! Working around it and finding a way for your dd to go is being positive, and he wants you to be more positive

It makes me so that your midwife has more empathy for your situation that your own husband.

sorry its shit OP, but he wanted you all to go, why wasn't space a problem then?

I agree with Lola - where on earth did he expect you to sleep if there are not enough beds ?

I think a number's well and truly been done on you I'm afraid. Without you going into detail, I can't imagine what the sleeping arrangements are or not, but a day or so ago they weren't a problem then - but are now ? As Headless says, there are all sorts of cheap options to overcome a lack of beds (if that is really the problem) and a few quid outlaid is surely worth it in order to give you some well deserved and well needed complete rest, where you don't have to worry about anyone except yourself. Your daughter may be "easy" but she's still a responsibility and I'm finding it very hard to imagine that it would be impossible to accommodate her at your PILs for a short period.

What gets me is that he has total freedom while he sees his friend - a nice to have but not a necessity - while you don't have that same level of freedom at all, despite desperately and genuinely needing to recouperate .... yet somehow you now feel that the newest plan is fair. Just who, out of the pair of you actually needs some time to themselves ? In any case, you could both have what you want - your free weekend, and him seeing his friend while PILs babysat - if he agreed to take both kids - which strangely enough wasn't a problem when he imagined you'd also undertake this trip back home. I strongly suspect that what he doesn't want is the responsibility and hard work of looking after two kids while he's NOT out with friends ..... even though his parents presumably would also be there to help him out, e.g. by providing a distraction, playing with them, cooking for them all. His refusal to take both kids - notwithstanding sleeping arrangements which have suddenly become a problem - makes me wonder if he sees the prospect of you getting "you" time as "unfair" - even though you've been so ill. I just don't understand what the big deal here is .... you said your MIL was lovely so I'm sure if he said to her that he wanted to bring them both they'd be able to sort out some sort of sleeping plan, especially if he told her how imperative it was for you to get some proper rest, and it being your last chance to do so etc. Sounds like he doesn't want to sort this out - and that's really selfish.

Ok if either you or your pil are based in the north east of England I can provide a loan of a camp bed and / or a travel cot depending on who the sleeping issue is with. 3 camp beds if you need them in fact.

I agree that he has done a number on you and if there were no sleeping issues for 4 of you it is inconceivable that there are issues for 3.

That said you know your dh and the situation better than us and if you are really happy then go right ahead. But I wouldn't be.

That said my dh would have offered this I wouldn't have needed to ask.

yaddnbu!
He needs to understand that pregnancy is hard and the last few weeks are the worst! I am 39+3 & finding it very hard work with two kids to look after and all the cooking cleaning etc.
If he wants to go that bad he should take the kids and let you have a well deserved break. Stick to you're guns op x

Oh hang on, did you say that you've had a night out on your own once a week for 6 weeks? And hence a lie in on Sunday morning? With DH putting the 2 DC to bed etc?

In that case, don't leave the bastard, he sounds OK.

He's done a good number on you OP. What an insensitive shit.

How is he going to cope with 3 dc if he can't even manage to take 2 away to give his sick wife a break !?

He's being an idiot. I hate my ex but he had a blow up bed for dd so she could stay with him in his bedsit. Surely the GPS have more room than a bedsit???? There must be a living room or a bedroom floor for a blow up bed. The dc would love it. Like camping !!!

You will need a lot of support and care if you have the elective section - I did - I hope he is not going to continue so selfishly.

Oh OP :( I can't help feeling that this compromise you've come to suits him better than you

I wonder who is going to be looking after the 2 kids while you're recovering from the birth? Especially if you're in hospital after a C section?

Hmmm...I'm not convinced her gets it at all