Was IBU to say to DH by all means travel 250miles for a night out but take the kids with him...

[cfc]

Simplified title, as always, but here's the long and the short of it.

DH's best friend, who we all love, came home from Aus and he spend Saturday with him and other friends in London for a fab day/night out. I was so happy he got to see him, as they miss each other and DH has been working so very hard both in his job and with a new Degree he's just started (without much discussion with me re time that was going to be spent on this btw, but that's another thread).

I am currently pg with no. 3 and having a hell of a bad time with it. Hyperemesis, pain, depression, insomnia...not to mention the relentless whingeing of my boy and NOW the girl has turned!! I've broken down in front of the kids after being whinged at all day last week when DH was in USA for a week with work. Then on his return I broke down again after a particularly bad day where he was here, in body, but tucked away doing his studies.

I was genuinely happy with him meeting up with his mates as he really does deserve it, and so do they! I was happy to have yet another day and night alone with them and in the end we had visitors (not helpful visitors!!) so I wasn't alone or anything.

Anyway, tonight he's off at work so he can get something done so he can go meet same friend tomorrow and take the day off work. I need a day off - one fucking day off. Can he takea day off work to take the children out for me? No. I can't recall him taking both out at once anyway, he's shit scared of it!

Then, he asks if we're able to go to our home town (250 miles away) where our families live in a week and a half so that he can go out with said friend again and all his other friends. I won't go, I said, but of course he can go but he'll have to take the two kids. It would be great for them to see his parents before little one arrives and like I said there are his family and mine up there for babysitting duty when he's heading out with the lads.

He gets into the foulest of moods, asking why I won't go. I am having a fucking 'mare of a time - so sick. Having floated through my previous pregnancies I am finding this a real drag. Literally sometimes! I cannot imagine sitting in a car for that long at all. I have a primal urge to remain close to home and lastly I'd just LOVE to be left alone for a minute, nevermind a weekend!! I'd be able to sort out my house after our building work and finally nest and rest...but I swear this was NOT my first thought. My first thought was genuinely that I couldn't stand traveling and not being in my own bed whilst so close to the end.

I said to him, what's the difference? Do you want me to travel with you so that you have a nanny on tap? Was I not invited out with you? He stormed off out of the car accusing me of turning everything into an argument.

Sorry it's so long.

Was I unreasonable to tell him to go and take the kids with him?

It actually did cross my mind that perhaps he ought to be thinking about winding down the social life (he's not a mad drinker or owt) whilst we're getting so close to the end - and, I've said this from 20 weeks - I can't see this going all the way...wishful thinking perhaps!! Anyway, boy was bang on time, and girl was 2 weeks late so I daresay it hasn't crossed his mind either.

My MIL and I are great friends, she's fantastic. But he would take little in the way of notice of her opinion I believe. He very much takes after his father, who I love also, but he has oft said to me "God, if I turn into my dad shoot me!" - he is a whole little ball of selfishness too - but complete with a total lack of self-awareness.

He really, really doesn't get just how much this pgcy is 'killing' me. All I want to do is get ready and be well, but it's all I can manage to get through the day without vomming on the kids/dog and try and cook them something to eat that isn't just toast!!! Though, small mercies, I am getting better at that and managing to get back to my former self cooking-wise which is a real blessing (though I have enjoyed seeing my cheekbones again!).

Thank you for responding. I truly wanted to see if I WBU. I answered him when he asked in such a measured way, I was chanelling MN AIBU Forum whilst replying to him.

Ps - expense of degree = covered by his work which is fantastic and will be to all our benefits, I totally get this - but I appear to have been left out of the decision process until the decision was made and he asked me to look over the agreement between him and his company re: fees and golden handcuffs etc...(I was a solicitor in my former life).

YANBU. At all, I think it is a fantastic idea.

He should definitely take them. They will all have fun and you will be able to have a very well earned break.

Good luck.

Does he even understand that you are a person in your own right?

Even if you weren't sick his expectation of yet another night out while you look after the children would be dickish.

Even if you weren't pregnant.

You two share a 24-hour responsibility, but he has arranged his life so that he leaves all of the work to you.

I would be contemplating divorce if my husband took it upon himself to do a degree and steal that amount of my time from me without discussion.

He treats you very badly, but I guess he's "great dad" and all that bollocks.

I don't think he deserved a break in the first place - he took on a degree course with little or no consideration of how it affects you. I think he deserves a kick up the arse.

If he was mine, I'd be saying no to any more piss ups with his mates. It wouldn't even be up for discussion.

YANBU! It's the last break you may have before DC3 arrives! It's not like he will have to take care of your DCs while he's away as they will be at GPs. All he has to do is make sure they are looked after on the drive down - simple enough right?!

X posted with AThing. Basically, what she said!

YANBU!! But he is.

Could you possibly ring his mother & ask if she minds the kids visiting her? Then she could ring him and be all excited to see her grandchildren and then boom.... He can't say erm im leaving them at home :D. Do it!!

Youre definatly not being unreasonable,

Has it not even crossed his mind that at 38 weeks you could go into labour at any time and that your children will need child care, while he is 250 miles away and pissed?

Your H is being a selfish arse and needs to face up to his responsibilites.

"I'd be able to sort out my house after our building work and finally nest and rest...but I swear this was NOT my first thought."

:(

It's so sad that you feel the need to defend yourself from charges of considering what might be nice for you.

Even if you weren't too sick to travel, even if you weren't pregnant, it would still be entirely reasonable after his recent absences, his travel abroad leaving you alone with the kids for you to have a weekend to yourself while he took the kids to their GPs.

Given that you are in the latter stages of a difficult pregnancy it is mind boggling that he hasn't been the one looking to make sure you get a break and insisting on taking the children.

Where is his kindness and concern for you?

To get in a strop that you won't drag yourself 250 mes to facilitate yet another piss up for him is truly appalling behaviour.

His Dad must be a right fucker if he's even worse than his son.

Do you know, I've not even realised that I'll be that far along - I keep thinking about 36 weeks...

Anyway, I'm not going and that's that. He can go and take the children or stay here. I'm not going to feel guilty. I may wel ring MIL and ask if they're about, we Skype every other evening so I'll have plenty of opportunities to ask her if they're home that weekend (they child mind for SIL when she works - see, I told you she was gold!!) and if they were could DH put the kids down at their place - I have NO DOUBT that it'll not be a problem at all - unless they're away.

As for me being here alone at 38 weeks, I can't think of anything better! Having had HG throughout the pgcy along with all the rest of it (inc, vaginal varicose veins, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!) being sick (as I always am in labour) alone would be a treat! As opposed to having the boy fetching a Peppa Pig cold compress for me (sweet!) and the girl getting in between me and the loo/flower bed/dog's bed/kitchen sink (I know) and pushing my knees away with all her little might.

Yes, I will speak to MIL tomorrow. Thank you again x

YANBU at all.

But I'm less and less surprised by these threads these days. Why the hell are some men so bloody selfish these days. It's always about them. Their needs, their mates, their hobbies, their work, their social lives...... while their partner is the bottom of their list of priorities. It's sickening.

Indeed, I do feel at the bottom sometimes - like I'll still be here, ultimately, but work has to be seen to now, his friend is only in the UK for a couple of weeks etc etc.

YANBU, he's being extremely selfish. Don't back down. Do what AreAllMenTheSame2 said.

His friend might only be in the UK for a couple of weeks but he will see him again. It might not be for a while but maybe when he is next over the children will be older and you of course will be much better as you'll be over your pregnancy.

This is the one time in your life that you need him the most as you are so ill. I can't believe he is putting himself first.

YANBU, and just because he acknowledges that he is selfish doesn't mean it's ok for him to act that way!

You are allowed to want to stay home & nest & rest - I do that sometimes and I'm not even pregnant! Hope he's sees the light and makes the last few weeks of your pregnancy a bit easier for you.

We had a talk last night in bed, candid and calm...Basically he's fed up of me being so negative all the time - honestly, if you knew him you'd laugh he's such a moaner!! But he has a point and if that's the way he honestly feels then that's the way he feels. I told him how I feel, that I'm not over-egging the pudding with regards to the way I feel and I need more help. I reiterated my views on him being a moody arse re heading up North to meet up with his friends and how I thought his reaction and expectations in that respect was a perfect snap shot of how he expects out rellie to run - and why the fuck is he so very frightened of taking the children out together?

Anyway, after some to-ing and fro-ing with egg and chicken type scenarios we decided that I would try to get out of the negative rut I'm in (his words - not great, I know, but I decided not to fight over semantics at this present moment) and he'd look outside his little 'DH World' and give me more. I asked him to think back and give me the benefit of the doubt that when I say I'm not right, I'm really not right - I'm not just saying it to get out of making dinner or looking after the LOs.

So the up-shot of that chat is today he has had to go into work but he made sure I was ok and that he was ok to do that - the girl was sick this morning so isn't' in nursery. I feel fine this morning so it's really not a bother (and he'd be in work anyway, usually). Then I am not sure what he's planning re: meeting up with his friend but it might be tonight as opposed to today which is fine by me. An evening with the two in bed and Sky + shows to watch will be nice. Bedtime isn't so bad in this house, it's the hour between 4.30 - 5.30 that we term the suicide hour - hungry, bored, tired kids + me trying to make the dinner = fraught household.

Thank you for your thoughts. They gave me the knowledge that I am not being U to need and expect more from him.

Better get back to the girl, poor thing - high temp, vomming bile this morning, lethargic. I think she's got some sort of virus so Ì'm giving up on doing owt today and just staying by her side. DH is taking the boy to an indoor play centre when he returns.

hmm. while I am glad that you've talked and appear to have come to some agreement, I am concerned that he is viewing your illness and your desire to not be stuck with the kids on your own as 'being so negative all the time'. It's easy to be cheerful if you feel well and are not dumped on while your partner goes out on the piss.

I can't see that you have been negative - you actively supported him seeing his friend. What you have legitimately objected to is him leaving you with the dc and going away for the 3rd time in as many weeks, when you are heavily pg and unwell.

My overriding impression of your conversation is that he has stitched you up and made it seem like half your fault. Expecting him to do his fair share of childcare and not bugger off out and leave you to deal with everything, is really not unreasonable.

Keep an eye on him - I think this will settle down until the next time, iyswim.

I agree with everything athing said, and karma in fact. He sounds like an absolute arse and if he was my dh (which he wouldn't be for long) then I would do some serious ball busting. All that shit and he has the cheek to then complain that you are negative all the time, WTF? Put up with my selfish crap, AND do it with a smile on your face. Fuck off. YANBU.

"Put up with my selfish crap, AND do it with a smile on your face. Fuck off. "

That pretty much sums it up.

Meeting someone halfway when they are taking the piss out if you is pointless unless you agree that they are the one that matters and you are nothing.

But... just...

How can you have a heavily pregnant wife who is sick and be pissed off with her for being "negative"?

Where's the concern? Where's the kindness?

What kind of person hears their spouse comain of feeling unwell and disbelieves? Presumes they are exaggerating to get out of doing jobs?

(Even if you weren't already doing a good portion of his share)

Where's the trust? The care?

Seriously, where's the love?

That chat you had is utterly bizarre.

I'm afraid i agree with what Karma, Mike, and AThing have just said.

I have been reading this thread with interest as my dh and i would have had the exact same conflict from time to time in our relationship. It went on for years, and really damaged our relationship to the extent that we ended up in counselling and nearly split up.

Happily things are good now. But for years i colluded in being the doormat. Now we have a much more equal relationship and he is much more thoughtful.

Dont want to make this about me OP, just posting to say that assert yourself more here, be prepared for some major sulking and conflict, but dont let this pattern continue as you will only grow to resent him in the end, and thats when the relationship will start to break down.

Karma has put it very succinctly. He has stitched you up here, just like he did with the degree. Manipulative little fucker, isn't he ?

Well, since he did ask you to shoot him if he got as bad as his dad, I would consider telling him that he IS as bad as his dad. Or bitch-slap him into insensibility. Or just go absolutely ballistic on his arse. Becasue whatever approach you have taken so far is not, IMHO, working. Well, it's not working for you - for him, on the other hand ... ...

Iris, yor post really struck a chord with me. I've already looked into counselling for us, last night, as I really feel it would help us (help us all actually!).

I think sometimes in a relationship you can get used to something and not realise until you recount it to someone else just how out of the ordinary/out of order it is.

I will try to 'snap out of it' as I agree with him in some respects that you can fall into a negative way of thinking and I might be in danger of that - I certainly get cabin fever type efffects if I'm not able to get out of the house and usually if I drag us out I do feel better for it. But anyway, that's me.

You are so right though, where is the love and affection and concern? I know it's there, and he will have certainly been ground down by my constant illnesses and lethargy over the past few months (8!!) but like I said this is really unlike me so I would have hoped he'd hear me and think "shit, cfc is not usually so down/negative/easily affected by the kids/ill/complaining all the time etc so I think something is really up with her - right, how can I make this better for her?".

4 more weeks and then the pregnancy is over. Baby will be here and that'll be a whole new set of challenges but with the last baby we had a lovely noob time with her, she was big and a great feeder so I am hoping that I will snap back to normal. Then I'll be more able to whip him into shape! I'm half the woman I was you see, no fight in me. But I'm not going to take it anylonger as it is a slippery slope towards relationship breakdown. I try to see where I can 'improve' without being his doormat, because it's about give and take for the most part - but I am aware that in this instance the fault lies mostly with him. I just need him to see that...