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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not send my boy to nursery because of the little girl's abduction all over the news.

230 replies

YesAnastasia · 04/10/2012 10:42

It's not that I think it will happen to him but it's on my mind, on all the news and everyone's taking about it and it makes me want to have him sat on my lap 24/7. You can't help but imagine what if it were you, can you?

Nursery seems disorganised at best at the moment and I just want to keep him at home for the rest of the week. Is that bad?

OP posts:
MadameCupcake · 04/10/2012 13:04

There is a lot of sense being spoken on here - especially MrsDevere and responses to her.

There has been a lot of FB status' relating to this and I find it all a bit odd - nothing over the top but just saying how they are hoping she is found etc.

I do not need to change anything about how I deal with my DCs, they are 4 and 6 and are not allowed out without an adult. An older child does not count as a responsible person as they are often not responsible in all situations.

I know that the abductors are the evil party in this but I don't think this should make us change how we treat our children - I don't believe we should be putting pur children in vulnerable situations as it is so something like this shouldn't change anything. Time and time again these things are happening in small communities NOT big cities and these families are paying huge prices. It is incredibly sad but will continue to happen!

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 04/10/2012 13:05

Jesus seeker Shock

That sort of thing is why I stay off those threads.

I remember a lot,of that when the very high profile missing child case was all over the news.
Lots,of people saying things like 'it's worse for the family than her being dead!'
Hoe the fuck would they know? How dare they say things like that.

DontmindifIdo · 04/10/2012 13:05

OP - if your DS's nursery is so disorganised on security that anyone can get in and take DCs away without having to pass through several gates/secuity checks, you need a new nursery. I'd be genuinely surprised if any nursery can get thorugh ofsted without security measures in place - at DS's I have to know the code for the main gate, or be buzzed in, then be buzzed into the main building, I'm always asked if there's anyone behind me and they have to state their name too. DS can only be handed over to me or DH, if for any reason we need to have someone else pick him up, they need our code word.

That's normal levels of security for a nursery. If yours is lax on secuirty, I'd move your DC straight away.

CaptainVonTrapp · 04/10/2012 13:08

I agree with much of what you see MrsDV as I said much earlier your response sounds pragmatic. This is meant in a good way.

'cold' was my description of whatisme who labelled the OP 'sick'. The OP cannot help what she is feeling none of us (I don't think) can turn off emotions like fear, anxiety, sadness. Even though sometimes these feelings may seem like irrational reactions. Of course deliberately posting a self-indulgent facebook status I would agree leaves a bad taste - but this is totally different.

Ephiny · 04/10/2012 13:10

That's awful seeker Shock

Here's an idea, the 'spectators' who 'just want it to be over' can always switch off their televisions, put down their newspaper, get off the internet - then, for them, it's gone. Unlike the actual family who don't have that option!

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 13:12

yes, Mawkish is the word I wanted to use. and voyeuristic.

Do I feel for this family - sure do. Do I hope she is found - yes I do. Siince I had a baby of my own I definitely feel more empathy than I might have done in the past.

But it's not changed my life or the way I look after my son. I also think it's very cruel to make comments about how you wouldn't personally let your child play out at that age. It's like people are saying the parents are to blame. In the threads about this abduction there is blame being thrown about willy-nilly, trying to solve a crime that not even the police are able to. It's awful.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/10/2012 13:14

I presume people are referring to the thread in Chat. I just had a look. It's vile.

DontmindifIdo · 04/10/2012 13:15

BTW - I agree with MrsDV - if you are just making someone else's horror about you, you are rather self indulgent. It's not about you or your family, so stop trying to make it your drama rather than someone else's.

But - if what you are doing is more, this terrible story has made you think about your own security/ways you can stop if happening, that's a different issue and makes more sense. The horrible case of the family dying on holiday from CO2 posioning was enough to shock me into getting our boiler serviced, recently a family near us lost everything in a house fire and it made me think about our level of insurance (and stopped us leaving the tumble dryer going overnight as that's what started their fire).

It's perfectly reasonable to have something like this shock you into realising you aren't being secure enough if you were taking risks before - the shock that actually, sometimes it does go wrong if you take risks, is reasonable - it will depend on the security arrangements at your DS's nursery as to if you are being reasonable (actually, that's not a safe environment even if it's easy/cheap so change care providers) or unreasonable (that it's fine, however manic it looks, noone could logically get in and take your DS without staff noticing and you're just being a drama queen)

porcamiseria · 04/10/2012 13:16

every few years something HORRIBLE occurs, James Bulger, Madelaine, Sarah Payne

yes, let us not forget that every week in the UK a child dies of child abuse, the stats are horrendous

I suppose this upsets us more, but I cant quite discern why

CaptainVonTrapp · 04/10/2012 13:18

I think porc because we perceive that we can stop abuse happening to our children but not perhaps a random abduction.

Bumblequeen · 04/10/2012 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 04/10/2012 13:19

The OP is not trying to "own" someone else's tragedy. She has been frightened out of her wits by it. Anyway you lot of self-righteous so-and-so's seem to have scared her off; well done you.

OP, if you are still reading, and if this sort of OTT anxiety is something you suffer from frequently, there are techniques you can learn to deal with it, if you get the right help which is probably not, on current evidence, to be found here.

wigglesrock · 04/10/2012 13:19

The thread in Chat is worse than vile - the discussing of the childs parentage, second guessing the police, wondering about the suspects wife, its, its like a bad episode of CSI.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 04/10/2012 13:22

Well pragmatic I can deal with captain :)

I am not sure this is completely different though. We don't know because I doubt the op will be back, but maybe the purpose of the thread was to have a platform for this sort of over indulgent tosh?

If could only have taken a couple of 'I know how you feel Hun, I have been sobbing for days' type replies for it to have taken off.

Perhaps my opinions are coloured by being a member of another forum for years and being on there when the BAby Peter case was big news. It was appalling. Utterly sick making.

Women were vying to show how mentally ill the case of this child was making them. How they couldn't get out of bed, how they felt as if their own child had been murdered.. It went on for days.

I got stupidly caught up in it, such was my disbelief. I was flamed to hell and back for being an uncaring bitch. By people who days before were complaining that their children had to go to nursery with scruffy, smelly children. Children like the boy they were now claiming as their own.

I know full well my opinions are strongly influenced by the fact I have lost a child after a long and deeply traumatic illness.

So I am intolerant of these fancies. I am generally a very tolerant and (I hope) caring sort.

TroublesomeEx · 04/10/2012 13:22

I do not allow dd to sit on any mens' laps apart from close family.

Why?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/10/2012 13:23

Clearly no one on the hread in chat learnt anything from the Jo yeates threads on here a couple of years ago. Oand karlos do get over yourself.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/10/2012 13:23

Folk I am really struggling with a lot of the "logic" on here today.

seeker · 04/10/2012 13:24

"My dd is confident and friendly. She has no qualms in speaking to people she hardly knows. We are teaching her to have boundaries. I do not allow dd to sit on any mens' laps apart from close family.

In the early 80's I used to play outside from the age of 7 with a group of friends. My mum had no need to see or check on us. I doubt I will allow dd to play out. She can visit friends whose parents I know and we will take her to the park/day trips."

So long as the boundaries do not include instilling undue suspicion- the sitting on laps thing is undue suspicion. And you have no more need to check non children playing out than your mother did- the risks- or lack of them- is exactly the same as it was then.

porcamiseria · 04/10/2012 13:24

captain

you are right, this story has really upset me so I am thinking of stuff that equally bad, if not worse to make myself feel less upset Confused

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/10/2012 13:24

well said seeker

sugarice · 04/10/2012 13:24

Rolling 24 hour news means that we 'live' every moment I suppose, we see the neighbours, relatives, news conferences. There's no stone left unturned with the media wanting to fill airtime.

Some people get sucked in by the constant news and terrible trauma but it's soon forgotten. Who thinks about Tia Sharpe now? Sad

Child Abuse we only hear about when it's too late and the inquests are heard about 'lessons will be learned'

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 04/10/2012 13:24

if getting over myself means developing some of the attitudes I see here, I'll respectfully decline, if it's all the same to you.
And while we're giving out orders, you learn some manners.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 04/10/2012 13:24

You don't know anything of the sort KK

You have no idea why the OP posted. You are guessing.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/10/2012 13:25

My manners are fine thanks.

MadameCupcake · 04/10/2012 13:26

DuelingFanjo I was not being cruel - what I was saying is that I do not think it is appropriate to be changing how we deal with our children and that surely we should all be aware of these things anyway.

It is of course the abductors fault not the parents but we all are allowed our own opinions of what we think is and isn't appropriate for our infant school age children - that is not pointing blame. I do not let my young children out alone and will continue in that way, my friends who live in quieter streets let their children out and will continue in that way. Not blaming people just a statement!