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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm at my wits end. AIBU to want to give an ultimatum?

49 replies

BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/10/2012 23:37

both dp and I work full time. I'm a teacher so I have work to do every evening and on sundays. Dp does bugger all unless I nag and nag and nag, then he bashes around and grumbles and complains (like now: 11.30 and he's just started doing the kitchen, moaning and swearing etc). We have two under threes and I get them ready, their bags ready, do the cooking, washing, cleaning... At weekends he watches sport while I do housework. I muss my kids terribly when I'm working and want to spend more time with them at weekends. Think I'm heading for a breakdown actually. So: an ultimatum, change or we're over? And does anyone have any idea of how to actually do this?! Ie making lists/plans etc. Help!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 03/10/2012 23:39

Have you already tried talking to him about it?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 03/10/2012 23:41

stop doing anything for him. he does his own washing ironing cooking etc. eat with the children earlly so you can get on with planning.
can't imagine how you manage with 2 children and full time teaching to be honest.. how would you manage as a single mum, teaching?

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/10/2012 23:49

Yes CailinDana Sad sometimes he promises he'll do more but it's all talk. He's just woken the baby up with the banging about in the kitchen and when I told him he said "do you want me to tidy up or not?!" Sad

OP posts:
CailinDana · 03/10/2012 23:49

He sounds pretty nasty really. Was he always like this?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/10/2012 23:51

He sounds like a shite - I'd have The Conversation, definitely.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/10/2012 23:52

Redwhiteandblue- I wouldn't, most probably... Definitely not in this house, anyway. Might start looking into it though.

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/10/2012 23:53

Surely you'd manage it like you manage any other job - with wrap around care/breakfast clubs etc?

Sound like you'd have less to do if he wasn't around tbh!

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/10/2012 23:54

Aw CailinDana I don't think he's nasty, as such... Just lazy and fucking immature (excuse my language!) it's like having another kid in the house. The worst thing is the bad behaviour he models to my toddler, eg it's ok to throw balls in the house/hit mummy on the bottom/ etc, undermining me eg will give her chocolate biscuits even after I've said she can't (and he knows it!) I just feel so alone!

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/10/2012 23:54

Sorry, that came across as harsh - didn't mean it to be :)

I just meant.. there are ways. If you're doing all the taking-care-of anyway, then the extra bits might not actually be much more.

whois · 03/10/2012 23:55

Well, he needs to improve his game. You are acting like a SAHM but are soing a full time job as well! If you don't have a more equal split then I can see why you might be heading for a breakdown. But are there things you could do to save time and effort to help matters?

Stop doing any of his cooking and washing and eat tea with your kids, as suggested?
Slow cooker some meals and make big portions up so you can freeze for other nights?
Get a cleaner in? Should be paid for our of his spending money if he won't clean.
Get some babysitting evenings or weekends so you can work if he won't stay home (to come out of his spending money)? Although you say you miss your kids so that's probably not a good solution. Maybe staying really late at work in a non-distracting environment one night of the week would mean you don't have to do much (any?) the other evenings?
Do you have a spare room? Maybe moving into that for a while might give you a bit of space to think about things without being annoyed by his mess.

pictish · 04/10/2012 00:00

He sounds an arse actually.
Lazy, offensive, selfish, uncaring, rude, entitled. Doesn't give a fuck if he wakes the baby - uses it to hurt you further.

Thinks that because he can't be arsed, he shouldn't have to.

Yes...have The Talk.

NeDeLaMer · 04/10/2012 00:08

What Pictish said. He needs to man up and stop being such a bloody twat - you need to have The Talk. It is definitely easier to be a single parent than it is to live with someone who isn't pulling their weight!

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 00:10

Do you do his washing? Ironing? Folding and putting away?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2012 00:14

What is he grumbling and complaining about? Does he think he does his share? Does he think you should do his share? Does he think the house fairies come and do both your shares? Knowing what you need him to understand is important. Some issues are fixable, some aren't.

Original poster
BlackholesAndRevelations · 06/10/2012 22:43

Thanks all.... I'm not sure what he thinks, to be honest! And I can't actually ask him as he will say I'm nagging. That's why I was wondering how to go about it (without being a nag)....I've tried tears and tantrums and they don't work. I've tried being reasonable and gentle and he says he'll do more and seems really sorry but that's all talk.

OP posts:
Confuseddd · 06/10/2012 23:15

There is a good book by Lundy Bancroft called Should I Stay or Should I Go? He writes about abusive men but also those who are immature. It gives some clear guidance on how to work with a partner who is immature, and when it's a hopeless case. You might need to shock him into facing his behaviour by going to spare room or asking for a trial separation if he fails to respect your needs.

Please don't let your mental health suffer on account of this. He is the one who must adapt. You have to lay down the law and if he does not step up then give him a shock with a trial separation. Do you have rl friends and family who you can confide in?

foreverondiet · 06/10/2012 23:17

I think you need to tell him you are at your wits end and on the edge of a breakdown, and ask him what he wants - to stay and pull his wait, or leave.

re: being a nag, tell him you need to talk and ask him when is good. IMO nagging if when you tell him to do stuff while he is watching tv.

Unlikely to be helpful to stop doing his laundry - and the agreement my DH came to was that he would rather pay for a cleaner than do it himself (he works long hours) - is this possible - esp if you both work full time.

Perhaps you can sit down and discuss which jobs you are happy to do and which he will do.

re: housework at weekend, stop doing it if he's watching tv and tell him that you just aren't prepared to do this - and ask how he things the housework should be split.

Homebird8 · 06/10/2012 23:20

It's more should he stay or should he go? If he were a lodger would you put up with it?

Confuseddd · 06/10/2012 23:21

Btw, asking for fairer distribution of tasks is not nagging. This is his defence as he does not want to change. Sounds like he has a cushy set up with you doing everything and he's trying to stop you in your tracks. You are asking for a fair deal. 'Nagging' indeed. I am angry for you.

marriedinwhite · 06/10/2012 23:43

OK let's be objective. How much does he do? Are you forgetting things like: windows, bins, garden, driving (dropping off/collecting from friends/nursery). how much is he contributing financial compared to you. Do you still love him; how would him leaving affect the children and you. Can you find a middle road through this. And finally, if he doesn't pull his weight at home - why haven't you got a cleaner?

pictish · 06/10/2012 23:55

OP - you are not nagging. It's what he says in order to get you to stop confronting him about his crap behaviour. You are rightfully voicing your unrest, and he does not like it.

I wonder if he also tells you it's the way you say it that annoys him?

1Catherine1 · 07/10/2012 02:33

FT teacher and mum to FT teacher and mum. You need to do what I do. Nag and then go out! He can bang and sulk to his heart's content while you're out with the LO at the park, soft play or just OUT!

Nagging is depressing and talking rarely helps for more than a day or two. I'm in the same position and have thought about giving the ultimatum too. I've tried all sorts. The only thing that currently works is (and this works because we work opposite shifts), I phone him in the evening and say "I have spent 2 hours doing ..... its not much but I've got to get back on with my work now, there is only the ..... left to do" at which point he quickly buts in with "don't worry, I'll do it tomorrow", knowing that they'll be an argument if he doesn't. I'll be honest, he doesn't do it to my standard but its something. When he's really annoyed me he gets lists - he knows hes in trouble when he gets lists.

This is ofc assuming that actually you do still want him but just need him to man up RE the housework!

I'm not sure what the comment re "financial contribution" really means... Is it some peoples view that those earning less should do more work? That is highly unfair IMO. I earn more than OH but he works full time as I do, therefore chores should be split 50:50.

Morloth · 07/10/2012 02:46

YANBU, the thing with ultimatims though is that you need to be prepared to live with whatever answer there is.

So if you say, pull your socks up or bugger off, you need to be ready to deal with him taking the bugger off option.

Before making that particular ultimatim it might be best to have a look at what you need to actually do, like moving/daycare whatever.

It isn't fair for you to do it all. DH works incredibly long hours, I work part time and have a cleaner and he still does as much for the kids as I do, easily, sometimes more.

Brycie · 07/10/2012 02:51

Yes I agree with the first or second poster after you. I would start behaving like a single mum and dealing with what you need to for you and the children. Cook for them, cook for you, wash for them, for you. Ignore his needs totally. Firstly you're too physically exhausted, secondly it will free you from the emotional exhaustion of doing everything for someone and feeling like a slave. Abandon everything you do for him. Find a bin bag or basket if you're tidying just put anything you find that belongs to him in there. Leave his washing in the basket. There'll be no ironing for him after a while! He might not be saying "screw you" with words, but he is with actions. So say it right back with your actions.

Either that or deal with it maturely with "the conversation" but you sound too exhausted for his stupid game-playing to do that.

Proudnscary · 07/10/2012 08:07

marriedinwhite - what has his earnings compared to OP's got to do with anything? Utterly irrelevant. And not everyone can afford a cleaner - furthermore a cleaner won't solve the issue which is that OP's h is a selfish arsehole.