To not want to wake my baby....?

[Saltytomato]

This is a genuine question and I am kind of hoping that I am being unreasonable!

My husband wants me to drive him to the train station every morning. We have a 4 month old baby who is still waking through the night and is usually asleep when my husband gets up, so this would mean waking him every morning and he finds it very hard to get back to sleep and only naps for 30-40 min blocks during the day.

My husband can take the car, we can afford for him to park at the station, he could walk (he said he would do to but it lasted a week) or get a taxi -this costs the same as parking at the station cos we are very close.

So do you think IABU for not wanting to wake up my baby for the sake of saving about £16 a week when we can easily afford it?

What do you want to do next Salty?

Aww, Saltytomato... for the sake of your baby is exactly why you shouldn't block it out.

Our children grow up to mimic the behaviour they see in their parents, and tend to seek out the sort of relationship they grew up observing their parents have.

If you wouldn't be happy for your son to treat his future wife the way your DP treats you, then it really is time to reevaluate things.

I'm not saying end the relationship or anything as drastic or sudden as that. Even just learning to put your foot down very firmly and establish your own boundaries may be enough to straighten things out... but you may well need outside professional help to guide you through it.

But honestly, from a place of experience, and love/concern for you and your child, burying your head in the sand will never help any of you... and there are a lot of really positive actions you could start taking to change things (again, for all of you).

Does your violent, emotionally abusive, crap dad husband have any redeeming features at all?

Catching up with this thread, I was going to say, 'traditional' is one thing, but what the hell is 'traditional' about expecting your wife after doing night feeds solo to wake a 4 month old baby to drive him to the station?....

But reading on - OP, I think you are in a lot of trouble here. I would get some support (suggestion for a counsellor is a good one I think) - and start an exit strategy. I mean go and see a solicitor and make sure you and only you have access to your finances.

That sounds dramatic, but I do not think your partner will react well to you trying to change the basis of the relationship. If he has been violent in the past, and is as controlling as you say, I would tread very very carefully.

Has he stopped being violent because you now simply do everything he wants?

:(

oh god, Salty, it's worse than you were trying to make it.

I'm afraid ti sounds like you have an abusive husband.

You need to do some proper thinking now. :(

especially as he was telling you you were being lazy after you had major abdominal surgery and were trying to recover

Salty
I am glad to hear you are financially secure. I think you need to start getting some advice on how to get out of this situation. If you start doing more and more for a quiet life and walking on eggshells then its a lousy life for you and the baby.

Honestly, how do you feel when you hear his key in the door in the evening, happy, excited or worried and fearful?

"he was violent, but he has completely stopped that "

oh salty he stopped for now - it will always be here - he is abusing you now with this "do everything for me or i will get cross" lark.... when baby cries/ when you refuse to pander to his needs...

sorry for you.... but as you financially ok please go see a solicitor when you can and talk thru your options .

you need to know where you stand....

you really dont need to put up with this nor does your baby....

You are doing the thing that sadly we all try and do in abusive relationships. You try and keep him happy, do whatever he asks because you are worried if you stand up to him, the violence will begin again.

But you cannot walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.
When the baby grows up to be a noisy, happy, messy toddler, what will you do? Will you be able to keep him quiet in case your h is tired?

When your dc starts school and you have to take him and pick him up, but it interferes with what your h wants you to do, what will you do then?

Do you want to stay in this relationship? Or are you just to scared to leave?

I am sad reading all your replies. I guess I am only just realising that what he is doing is not normal.
Honestly, I prefer it when he works late and it is just me and my son in the house.

I would give him the choice betweenmanaging to get himself out of the house and to the station independantly without waking anyone, or sharing all the night waking. If you're getting up at night then waking you in the morning is very selfish. He's a grown man ffs!

So do you know what you want to do? It's hard when the realization hits home. There is a huge amount of support available to you.

rubirosa he is great with our son. He will play with him and make him laugh and I can tell he really does love him a lot....
And I guess, As materialistic as it is, he has a very well paid job, but I don't get to spend anything on myself unless he says I can anyway, but I guess it's just the security that provides.

It's not security. It's fear.

You can't spend any money, you can't say no to his requests. You are scared of him.

I don't know what to do. I live in a different country to my friends and family and it all just seems sooo hard. I have been wanting to move home for years, but he keeps saying we need more money before we move back....

Honestly? Just go.

Can you tell your family and friends what's going on?
Can they help at all?

Salty

Fast forward a couple of years. You have picked up DS from nursery and you are both feeling a bit tired. You get in make a couple of fishfinger sandwiches for you both and snuggle up on the sofa to watch Thomas the Tank Engine. How would your DH react if he came in from work to that scene? Would he snuggle up on the sofa with you or throw a strop because there was no dinner and you had left the kitchen in a mess?

Go on holiday with DS to visit your family...don't come back.

Sorry to be harsh Salty, but he is not brilliant with your DS. There is far far more to being a father than making a child laugh. You can see that can't you?

chaz he would throw a strop for sure

I had told my mum about stuff he did in the past and she helped me leave him once before. She doesn't like him at all...

So tell her again. And let her help again. She's your mum, she will help you xx

So he is a "good" dad provided he's the one relaxing having fun and you are doing all the grunt work. However, being a good dad is also about being a good role model - do you really want your son to grow up copying your husband?

I would speak to your mum.

What country are you in Salty? It's good that you're talking online but it might also be useful to contact your local Womens Aid organisation. They will be able to offer you a lot of emotional support before you make any decisions. You do need to think about your safety because unfortunately if he has been violent in the past there's a strong likelihood it will happen again. Abusive men are also more likely to be violent when you're leaving/confronting them so make sure you have a safety plan in place.

None of this is your fault and I hope you can begin to make some positive choices soon.

Salty, please do listen to that part of you that knows when you are happy, really relaxed and happy, and when you are not.

If you cannot comfortably let your hair down and put your feet up when you need to (ie. the fishfinger and Thomas tank engine scenario posted earlier) without worrying about your partner reacting angrily and aggressively, then you are in a relationship where he has all the power and control, and you are dancing around him like a little puppet (with him pulling the strings as he pleases).

This will never allow you the freedom to be the person you really are, and will teach your son that this is how men are meant to be, and that women are meant to pander to them. He will grow up trying to emulate your partner, and perhaps (very likely) in the end, becoming just like him.

You have the power and ability to make your son's life as free of negative influences, and as full of positive ones as possible. You don't have to do it all on your own. Draw on the support you have around you (you have already mentioned your mum), but any other relatives, friends, organisations like Women's Aid, and even forums like Mumsnet here and now... are all here to help you.