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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to wake my baby....?

117 replies

Saltytomato · 02/10/2012 13:50

This is a genuine question and I am kind of hoping that I am being unreasonable!

My husband wants me to drive him to the train station every morning. We have a 4 month old baby who is still waking through the night and is usually asleep when my husband gets up, so this would mean waking him every morning and he finds it very hard to get back to sleep and only naps for 30-40 min blocks during the day.

My husband can take the car, we can afford for him to park at the station, he could walk (he said he would do to but it lasted a week) or get a taxi -this costs the same as parking at the station cos we are very close.

So do you think IABU for not wanting to wake up my baby for the sake of saving about £16 a week when we can easily afford it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Saltytomato · 02/10/2012 14:23

I think the driving him to the station was the catalyst for me realising that I am doing way too much, but just wanted an outside opinion on it I guess :(

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/10/2012 14:24

Hmm, and I wonder if that's what he waves in front of you as an excuse for his lack of effort: "I earn the money".

minipie · 02/10/2012 14:26

I echo the concerns about his selfishness.

As a practical suggestion, do you have a spare room he could sleep in for a bit, till the baby sleeps better? That way he is responsible for getting himself up and won't wake up you and the baby.

If he doesn't like that suggestion - well the alternative is that he learns to get up by himself and quietly.

Oh and there is no way you should be giving him a lift to the station. Never mind the sleep issue - the fact is that you have a full time job at the moment which is looking after your baby. You are not available to give lifts.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 14:37

Even if you didn't have a baby, and say started work later than him, him expecting you to get up and give him a lift when there are so many simple alternatives would be way way off. The comment that you're making him not enjoy being a father is a classically abusive comment -he knows you care the world for your son and so he uses that against you by suggesting you are ruining his relationship with him by not being his slave. Nasty bastard.

What'll happen if you refuse to give him a lift?

cestlavielife · 02/10/2012 14:40

you going to end up with two babies to look after if you carry on panering to him!

tell him to get his clothes ready the night before!

and get some decent wet weather gear fora bicycle. or so he can walk. is he a wimp?

cestlavielife · 02/10/2012 14:46

"I give into stuff so it doesn't cause an argument "

woah...this is not good

what kind of argument?
what is he like with his parents?
how old is he? how long you been together?

i think this baby is showing his true colours - did you have a job and independence before baby? when there is someone else o loook after ie a child then all hose things that maybe you could put up wth become ridiculous...

dont ask him to do stuff - just dont do it for him. he is a grown man after all and you both have a baby now...

if he argues/gets scary/shouts/verbal abuse etc then yes you need to reconsider everything wih him .

PenelopeChipShop · 02/10/2012 14:46

Salty I really hope you manage to make a stand over this. Sounds like it won't be easy but it will be worth it. It's the ideal time to do it in a way - you might have done a lot for him before but now you have a baby you have other priorities. The sooner he learns that the better.

Ephiny · 02/10/2012 14:48

YANBU, if he can get himself to and from the station by some means, that sounds more sensible. How far is it to walk?

I am at you setting the alarm for him, 'making sure' he gets up, getting his clothes out for him though. He's a grown man, not a child, and even an older child should be able to do those things for themselves!

Maybe if he didn't already have you running around doing every little thing for him, you'd be more amenable to doing him a favour like driving him to the station!

TwelveLeggedWalk · 02/10/2012 14:53

Just out of interest, what happens with night wakings? Do you do them all? Do you do them as quietly as possible so as not to wake DH?

SoniaGluck · 02/10/2012 15:04

I have no advice, as such, but I do hope that you can make a stand on this and not make your situation any worse.

I do find it sad and worrying that there are so many utterly selfish husbands and fathers around.

My DH has his faults but he did everything he could to make my life easier when our DCs were small.

MyLastDuchess · 02/10/2012 15:16

I've read this thread in total disbelief.

Your OH needs to get his act together. YOU'RE making him not enjoy being a dad? And the baby has to fit in around the two of you? What he really means is that EVERYONE ELSE has to fit in around him.

The first few months (in our case, about the first 8 months) with a new baby are often NOT a lot of fun. It's lovely having a new little child to love, but it's exhausting and a lot of fairly thankless work. What was he expecting?

Tell him to walk or get a bloody cab and get over himself.

I'm seriously thinking that some form of counselling might be a good idea for the two of you, as he seems to be completely unaware of the reality that he is an independent adult. Or meant to be. You get his clothes out for him? Does he need you to tie his laces as well?

choceyes · 02/10/2012 15:22

naturalbaby maybe it's my DH you used to work with! He cycles to work 10 miles each way, in all weathers and I mean all weathers. We have 2 small DCs and he gets up earlier than me without waking me up (sadly DD, 25 months is not quite so considerate) and gets the DCs ready for nursery on my work days while I have a peaceful shower.
Makes me so glad for my wonderful considerate DH when I read of men like the OPs DH.

OP - NO WAY should you be giving a lift to your DH in the mornings if that means waking up your baby. How horrible for your DC to be woken up like that every morning before he is ready. The fact that your DH appears to have no consideration or sympathy for you or your DC makes him an ARSE.

And his comment about the DC needing to fit into your lives...he is 4 months old!!!! If he doesn't realise that your lives DO change once you have DCs and compromises needs to be made, then he is in for a big shock and you will have a rough time ahead. Nip it in the bud now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2012 15:22

I agree with everything MyLastDuchess says. I didn't find sleepless nights, cracked nipples, mastitis, CS scar, having DD attached to me well maybe that bit very much fun. You suck it up because you're a parent. I love having a toddler but I don't expect DH to make sure that my every moment of parenting is FUN.

choceyes · 02/10/2012 15:28

I really want to know how far is the walk to the train station that your DH is incapable of doing.
I walk 30mins into work (so just under 2 miles), whilst pushing a double buggy with two kids in it and the same on the way back, and recently in the pouring rain.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 02/10/2012 15:31

Can I just say that I don't get my 13 year old DS up in the morning or set out his clothes. I wouldn't dream of doing it for my DH.
He gets up at 5am, walks my dogs, showers, eats breakfast and gets dressed without making a sound. (DH not DS!)

A traditional marriage-well what does that even mean any more?
A marriage is an equal partnership, it should not mean the wife has to deal with every childcare and domestic related issue as well as running after her husband with slippers, dinner on the table, sparkling house, lift to work, baby bathed, ready for bed as soon as dad comes home and kisses him goodnight.

It's worrying that you feel unable to bring this up with him because you fear he will get angry.

susitwoshoes · 02/10/2012 15:41

sorry, but it sounds like you've got bigger things to worry about than driving your DH to the station.

Scaredbutdoingit · 02/10/2012 15:49

I'm very sorry but I've got to agree with everyone else who is concerned about massive warning signals... or at the very least, behaviour that should not have to be tolerated by you.

The biggest red flag is that you give in to his demands even when you'd rather not so that he doesn't start a big argument!

This is not what a loving partner in a relationship does. Creating a big argument to get your own way is a deliberate tactic because they know the other person will soon learn to back down just to make life easier.

A loving partner would actually care about how you feel and what you want as well, and would try to talk and negotiate sensibly to come to arrangements that are good for both of you.

I totally agree that getting professional outside help (like a counsellor) would really help you with this. Its quite a difficult challenge to cope with on your own, especially if you are just waking up to it.

Best wishes.

Original poster

Saltytomato · 02/10/2012 16:02

I do all the night feeds, quietly or he gets shitty cos he has to work...

I am on maternity leave from a full time job and I am still getting paid, I get paid for the full year which was a brilliant maternity deal, so esseNtially I am still on full pay.

OP posts:

impty · 02/10/2012 16:06

My friend did this. 3 children later, all of whom became early risers, they got divorced.

It wasn't the only reason but all of the reasons centred on him being more than a little selfish...!

Original poster

Saltytomato · 02/10/2012 16:07

cest he swears and yells or makes me feel like I am being unfair or being stupid....
He is 35, I am 25.
We have been together for 6 years, we went through a really bad patch a while ago, he was violent, but he has completely stopped that and I honestly thought he was going to be a great dad....until I had an emergency c section and he said I was being lazy and refused to do anything around the house after 2 weeks even after I had complications. I think I am waking up to what he is really like, I am trying to block it out for the sake of my baby :(

OP posts:

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 16:08

That's great news about the pay Salty. It's a huge help that you're in a good financial position. Time to get rid of this twat I think.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 16:09

He was violent?

choceyes · 02/10/2012 16:11

OP - he doesn't sound very nice at all You need to really think about your future here, it seems to go much beyond a lift to the station issue. All partners are not like this, please don't think that this is normal, it isn't.

blackcurrants · 02/10/2012 16:12

Ohhhh dear, OP, he does sound very unpleasant to live with.

Are you shocked by some of the replies on this thread? Sometimes it's hard to hear outsiders say something you're putting off noticing (eg, that your husband isn't treating you well).

How're you doing?

Original poster

Saltytomato · 02/10/2012 16:12

Yeah, don't really want to get into it. Still makes me upset, he hasn't done anything like that for at least 2 years though....I would never of had a baby with him if he was like that. I guess the emotional abuse is harder to put a label on and realise....

OP posts:

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