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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if that initial "honeymoon phase" of relationships didn't disappear, there would be far less divorces / break ups!

36 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 02/10/2012 11:23

Just found out yet another couple I know are splitting up :( 4 dc, married for 6 years.

I know its all to do with brain chemicals and clever sciency stuff, but surely if we could stay as happy and loved up as we are at the beginning relationships would be so much more fun. And people wouldn't split up! Because they would be happy.

Definitely Probably naive of me I know.

And am sure lots of smug possibly deluded mners will be along soon to tell me all about how they have been married 30 years and are still in the honeymoon phase..... Wink

I have only been with DH 5 years and while we are generally very happy I do miss that electric lust filled phase of the early days, where everything the other one does is Just Amazing...IMO scientists ought to invent a love drug to be taken every day after the first 18 months.

OP posts:
katykuns · 02/10/2012 11:27

I miss it too. Have been with DP 5 years, and love him very much... but I miss that feeling at the beginning, where just looking at him made me all swoony ;)

Paiviaso · 02/10/2012 11:28

I think there would be less divorce if women had higher standards when selecting a partner and didn't ignore red flags, marry without discussing in detail how each saw the future, or didn't expect their partner would change after marriage.

ivanapoo · 02/10/2012 11:28

.IMO scientists ought to invent a love drug to be taken every day after the first 18 months.

Pretty sure it's called Ecstasy ;)

YABU because while the honeymoon period is fun, it can be all consuming. All I wanted to do was spend time with my now DH, and I wasn't really bothered about anything else.

Spending time with him is still my no. 1 thing to do but I manage to think about other stuff too now. Mind you we've only been together 7.5 years so maybe we're still in some latent honeymoon period... It's my birthday today and he's bought me some amazingly thoughtful presents and made me an awesome breakfast. smug

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/10/2012 11:29

YANBU for thinking that but YABU if you actually think the honeymoon stage lasts!!

It's new and exciting, hence the butterflies and thinking the sun shines out of each others arses.....fast forward 22 years and although the love is still there, the newness and excitement has waned somewhat.

I blame all these shit films.......life just isnt like that sadly.

TroublesomeEx · 02/10/2012 11:30

I think there would be less divorce if women had higher standards when selecting a partner and didn't ignore red flags, marry without discussing in detail how each saw the future, or didn't expect their partner would change after marriage.

I know that you can't forsee everything, but in general, I agree with this.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/10/2012 11:31

Why just women having higher standards?? I am sure it goes the other way too Confused

Sallyingforth · 02/10/2012 11:33

I think there would be less divorce if women had higher standards when selecting a partner and didn't ignore red flags, marry without discussing in detail how each saw the future, or didn't expect their partner would change after marriage.
That's so, so, right. The vast majority of relationship issues posted on here show that people have entered into a relationship having ignored at least one of those issues.

MsVestibule · 02/10/2012 11:40

Or maybe marriages would last longer if they didn't have that lust filled start! When I met DH, I thought he was nice enough, but no major spark. A few "nice enough" months later, we were about to spilt up when I found out I was pregnant. Six years later, we're very happily married with two DCs. I still look forward to him coming home at the end of the day, we're very affectionate and I have no doubt we'll always be together tempts fate.

I think however hard a couple work at keeping the romance alive, those initial very heady feelings fade in the vast majority of relationships. If they can both accept that it will happen and can be replaced by something more solid, (and be tolerant of each others failings) they can have a very successful, happy marriage.

Quadrangle · 02/10/2012 11:43

I think having kids kills a lot of relationships. I also think that sometimes people expect a relationship to carry on with the heady exciting stuff and when it doesn;t they look for it elsewhere, but really it is normal for a relationship to change and not be heady and excitign all the time any more.

MrsTittleMouse · 02/10/2012 11:45

I would be a completely shit mother if I was still mooning around after DH the way that I was when we first got together.

(We still get to do that honeymoon-thing once a year when my saintly Mum gives us a couple of days off though).

Gentleness · 02/10/2012 11:47

I found the honeymoon period exhausting - exhilarating too, but really not a sensible time to make long-term practical decisions because of the sheer sentimental daftness and feeling that "together we can do anything!" AND the constant tiredness. That sounds a bit jaded, but I think what we have now is sooo much stronger and better. We've weathered some serious and horrible problems and know each other much more realistically. And we get a lot more sleep.

I'm not sure though whether we would have been brave enough to get married if we'd been fully informed and coldly realistic, so I am truly grateful for the honeymoon period too! You can't win!

aldiwhore · 02/10/2012 11:48

I think a permanent state of honeymoon sounds exhausting. EVERY relationship would succeed if it never hit stormy waters.

My Granny was right, it's hard graft sometimes even if you love your partner/spouse dearly, it can be seriously hard graft. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength not to walk, or to bite your lip, or to be even polite.

I will say though, it's worth it. I think the problem with finding the right partner is that there are many potential partners who you could find initial happiness with, and very few that could last and you don't really know until the shit hits the fan, so there's a bit of luck involved too.

A long relationship is more about living and loving a person's flaws than anything else.

MrsTittleMouse · 02/10/2012 11:49

I wish I got more sleep now! It was a lot more fun when I was being woken up for adult things, rather than sick/upset children. Grin

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 11:50

I think people should live with each other, and get to know each other properly before rushing into having a family.

How long were your friends together before they got married OP? 4 kids in 6 years is a lot.. hardly any time left there for a relationship to continue.

Having children does not and should not mean you neglect your own relationships, you are not just parents, you are still husband and wife.

crescentmoon · 02/10/2012 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gentleness · 02/10/2012 12:01

Mrs TittleMouse - yes, I think I may be deliberately wearing rose-tinted glasses about life with a newborn as dc3 is due fairly soon. I'd take 4-5 hours sleep in one block over several 1 hour naps any day!

YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 12:12

Whilst I really love DH and wouldn't swap him for the world, I remember being exhausted by a previous relationship. It was so intense and heady and up and down like a violent roller coaster. I was insanely in love and actually, it was horrible. I couldn't live like that full time and it ended painfully.

Now I much prefer a quiet night in with DH, passing comment on the TV and eating treats. Give me that any day after all the insanity of my turbulent past love life.

The love is less exciting, but more important and deeper.

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 02/10/2012 12:52

ah thats lovely youoldslag thats like me and DH. I worry it will get boring though and we will stop fancying eachother. Atm, we do really fancy eachother still, but in my only other LTR I absolutely stopped fancying him big time after about 5 years, and couldn't even bring myself to shag him anymore. It was like a switch was flicked and I guess I am worried that will happen again at some point (with either of us) :(

squeakytoy they were together about 8 years I think but the eldest child is from a prev relationship. So was 3 dc in 8 years.

Re the kids issue, I actually think in my case having kids has KEPT it fresh - as I have an older DC from a prev relationship too. So DH always knew me as a mum so there was no big shock to him having to see me as a mum once I had his DC (which I think can sometimes be a passion killer) and also, because "we" had DC right from the start, we have not had as much time together as couples who were together a while before having DC, which has kept it fresh in a way. If that makes sense!

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 13:26

Well I don't fancy DH a lot of the time, (it's hard when you've got two young DCs) but once we're naked in bed alone together, it all comes rushing back and that's good enough for me!

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 02/10/2012 14:37

Yeah thats how I feel as well. I hope I always do! Its always a shock when your friends break up :(

OP posts:
minipie · 02/10/2012 14:41

I think couples should wait till the honeymoon phase has worn off (or at least died down a bit) before deciding to get married/have children or make any other form of long lasting commitment.

Pagwatch · 02/10/2012 14:50

The honeymoon stages great.
The problem is not that it ends but that grown adults choose to believe that it won't.

If you think headless mindless lovey dovey endless humping should remain in the face of childbirth or redundancy or ill health or the routine grind of school runs and 9 to 5 then you shouldn't really get married.

The honeymoon bit is a blast. Sharing time with a great bloke, who makes me laugh, is a fab attentive dad and who shares my morals, my hopes and dreams more than 25 years later is better.

CailinDana · 02/10/2012 14:50

I know a lot of people scoff at the pre-marriage course you have to do if you want to get married in a Catholic church but I think it's a great idea and I think every couple should have to do it. I know three couples who were saved from disastrous marriages by the course and even DH and I who are both psychologists and are known for talking things to death were surprised by some of the things that cropped up. It always shocks me how me how many couples stumble blindly into marriage having never once discussed things like children, money, staying at home etc. The heady days are exciting but they're not sustainable and I think it's a good thing they don't last. In many ways my relationship with DH is far better now than it was in the beginning, more stable, more comfortable and just more nurturing and secure.

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 02/10/2012 18:32

Shock Pre marriage course? seriously? is it through the church or through relate or someone?

should have had one before my first disastrous short lived marriage that i would rather forget

OP posts:
minipie · 03/10/2012 14:00

I'm not religious but agree that every couple should have discussions pre marriage about big issues like where to live, what their career plans are, how many children, attitude to spending and money, attitude to extended family ... all the things you see posts on MN about basically!