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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if that initial "honeymoon phase" of relationships didn't disappear, there would be far less divorces / break ups!

36 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 02/10/2012 11:23

Just found out yet another couple I know are splitting up :( 4 dc, married for 6 years.

I know its all to do with brain chemicals and clever sciency stuff, but surely if we could stay as happy and loved up as we are at the beginning relationships would be so much more fun. And people wouldn't split up! Because they would be happy.

Definitely Probably naive of me I know.

And am sure lots of smug possibly deluded mners will be along soon to tell me all about how they have been married 30 years and are still in the honeymoon phase.....

I have only been with DH 5 years and while we are generally very happy I do miss that electric lust filled phase of the early days, where everything the other one does is Just Amazing...IMO scientists ought to invent a love drug to be taken every day after the first 18 months.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 03/10/2012 14:03

It's usually run by the Catholic Marriage counselling service.

MrFlibble · 03/10/2012 14:07

Ohhh we had to do that premarriage course thingy because we married in a catholic church. The tea and biscuits were nice but I sure as hell cannot remember anything they droned on about!

CailinDana · 03/10/2012 14:09

Heh MrFlibble :) They didn't do much talking in our one, we had to talk to each other. One couple ended up having a huge barney (very quietly) during the session and the woman walked out before the end!

mertin · 03/10/2012 14:11

It's just so sad when you have friends stuck in awful marriages. I can think of two friends who've married the completely wrong person for them - but jumped in too quick and had dc very soon after. Now in a very difficult dilemma.

Whilst the honeymoon period is all well and good, I actually quite like the period afterwards where you sort of rattle along together, facing life's up and downs.

nokidshere · 03/10/2012 14:23

"Whilst the honeymoon period is all well and good, I actually quite like the period afterwards where you sort of rattle along together, facing life's up and downs"

Me too!!!

We have been together for over 30 years now - married for 25 and I love the easy way we get along and plod through our lives. We have exciting moments when we get child free time to ourselves. It might not be exciting on a minute to minute basis but the comforting and caring deep love we have now is infinitly better!

And sex just gets better and better with age

YouOldSlag · 03/10/2012 14:30

"Marriage is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise longue"- I don't know who said that but it's true.

trixie123 · 03/10/2012 15:24

you could also argue that people's standards are too high - we expect our spouses to be everything, lover, best friend, financial consultant, entertainment organiser, home-maker(and I mean that in the sense of contributing to maintaining the household in all the ways that need to happen) and if they fall down on one of these or we just don't feel "happy" or "fulfilled" then we are entitled to walk away. Every situation is different and absolutely many relationships fail due to appalling behaviour from one party but I do think (as someone who actually did walk away from what, in hindsight was a perfectly lovely, comfortable marriage for someone else - very sexy and exciting but 6 years and 2 DCs later just as lovely, comfortable and unexciting as ex) that maybe we need to be a little more realistic and (ducks and covers) that if there are children, a comfortable, companionable but unexciting marriage should be enough? I will now don my armour and duck behind the sofa!

GoldShip · 03/10/2012 15:27

Mine honeymoon period has never disappeared. Suppose I'm lucky

Lueji · 03/10/2012 15:34

Good god, if the honeymoon period lasted forever, I'd be exhausted.

Unfortunately true (although for men too):
I think there would be less divorce if women had higher standards when selecting a partner and didn't ignore red flags, marry without discussing in detail how each saw the future, or didn't expect their partner would change after marriage.

And I also agree that it's often people wanting a permanent honey moon. It just doesn't happen.

Lueji · 03/10/2012 15:45

we had to do that premarriage course thingy because we married in a catholic church.

I had to do it too.
The first was not too bad.

Ex missed the second because he had a headache.
Should have ended it then, really. The benefit of hindsight.

negativecreep · 03/10/2012 15:48

I think it's needing a whole "combo" of things in a partner. My ex (and son's dad) i got with and we stayed together six years. We got on well but I never fancied him and I think that is important, you need to have the whole shebang for it to work and after 6 years I just wanted to have someone i was actually atrracted to as well as got on with. I think people settle with "oh he is ok looking" or "oh he is a nice guy" when you need the whole lot to make it work iyswim.

FWIW i'm with a partner of nearly 3 years now who I fancied straight off, we had a long honeymoon period of about a year just shagging constantly and were well matched in everything as well as fancying the pants off each other. We are settled now and the shagging is less and were not consumed with "just each other" but i always feel like there is some spark/chemistry between us and know when i look at him that we only want each other. It's a nice settled feeling. :)

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