AIBU to consider having a baby in these circumstances (sorry, long)

[TuppenceBeresford]

Hi there, I wonder if anyone can give me advice? Sorry, I guess it's not really an AIBU, but posted in here because of heavy traffic and I am pretty desperate.

Basically, I want a child so much but don?t know if it would be responsible to have one in our current financial situation.

Some background I met my DH 4 years ago and we?ve been married for a couple of years. We?re not particularly well-off but we get by. I earn more than twice my DH?s salary but I don?t especially enjoy my work; heavy workload and deadlines = long hours and stress.

My husband?s job is fulfilling but quite poorly-paid. He is qualified to do other things, but due to illness in the past he is unable to do very stressful jobs and had to leave his former career.

Our mortgage (well my mortgage ? I bought the flat before I met DH) is huge ? I just bought at completely the wrong time, and the flat isn?t even that big (small 2-bedroom, no storage). We also have other debts which we are paying off.

I am desperate for a child but genuinely don?t know if we can afford it. Basically DH would have to give up his job as the mortgage, bills and everything come out of my salary. After bills, mortgage etc I usually have about £600 left over ? but that would have to pay for food for the 3 of us and nappies, everything else a small child needs. So I guess my question is - do other people manage on that sort of income, and is it far too little?

I?m also worried about how I would feel about working full time ? leaving my child all day - possibly working long hours and that I could end up feeling resentful towards my husband. I worry that it could affect my relationship with my child.

Another concern is that, as I said before, our flat is really not that big ? any child that we had would have very limited space to his/herself. I worry that I would feel so guilty, becase my SIL and BIL live just round the corner and their little DS wants for nothing ? he has a lovely bedroom all to himself and more importantly BIL and SIL are able to spend TIME with him.

I know we should probably put off TTC until we are in a better financial position, but the trouble is? I?m 37. So I don?t feel we have any time ? who knows how long it could take to conceive?

I know a lot of people would probably say that we shouldn?t do it ? it would be irresponsible and unfair to the child. And I know that a child is a gift ? not something I?m entitled to for my own gratification.

But I want it so badly, every time I hear about somebody else being pregnant it feels like a kick in the stomach and I just can?t stop crying all the time ? I feel like my stupid decisions made before I met DH have ruined my life.

Please, if you have the time, I would be so grateful for opinions, am feeling desperate (sorry this is so long, by the way).

you are 37. go for it

Go for it. You might find you get some benefits. Or your dh might be able to work an evening or two. You'll find a way. A 2 bed flat is fine. Many people manage with less.

You should go for it. Start saving now and budget carefully and you should be fine. You might get child benefit on top and that could help too. It may take some months before you become pregnant, so you may have a little pot saved up by the time baby arrives. Be prepared though that it could happen right away.
What children need most is love. As a small child I shared a room with my sisters and we mostly loved it.
If you're okay with it; borrow stuff from friends and family where you can and buy some things second hand. The NCT nearly new sales are great for this. Mumsnet is full of tips on how to save money and even supportive threads on this. It's important to consider all this but wanting and loving children is more important than them having their own room, lots of toys etc.
I hope that helps.

If you both want it and your partner is up for being SAHD definitely just get cracking with TTC. You do not need to spend a fortune on baby stuff, free cycle, NCT sales, eBay and joing local parent groups are your friend for cheap and handed on stuff. You only need a new cot mattress and car seat, you can get grants for reuseable nappies, everything else can be handed down stuff - so much baby stuff is barely worn and barely used.

You can eat cheaply as a family and take in packed lunches and flasks of coffee for work, babies and toddlers do not need pricey toys or special courses and classes/baby groups - they are perfectly happy going for walks to sure start centres, parks and libraries and visiting shops in slings and buggies, at home playing with stuff you already have in the house like old egg boxes and wooden spoons and Tupperware containers. You can borrow and beg other toys, use library for books etc.

Declutter and sell stuff on eBay now, cut back on expenses like dry cleaning and gym membership, cable tv and meals and drinks out. And good luck.

well said eric

I became pregnant with DD (completely wanted and planned) at 39, in much more precarious financial and practical circumstances than you describe...living away from my home country, no support network, limited work options, lots more to it, but suffice to say, not "ideal" circumstances from an outsider's view I guess. I'd had a serious health issue and wasn't sure I could could carry to term, so there was a health anxiety as well.

We struggle now with finances, and it is tough and stressful sometimes. And there aren't a lot of luxuries in my life. But it was absolutely, positively, without a doubt the right thing for me, and my DD is a smiling, well cared for, much loved child who makes all of us (me, DH, DSCs) happier.

Do it.

As to the two room thing, that's fine...babies usually end p sleeping in your room for the first six months or longer, and older babies and toddlers do not need their own play space, as they need to be within your sight under your feet until they are at least 2.5. Don't worry about needing a fancy nursery. A toddler or baby just needs a bed and a quiet space, sharing the room with grown up books, clothes, boxes etc doesn't bother them at all.

Meanwhile you just stash their (tiny, teeny, awww) clothes in a few drawers of a chest of drawers and put their toys in a basket or IKEA storage thingy which lives in the sitting room or under the tale or next to the tv or whatever.High chairs and buggies fold up, and you really don't need any extra stuff. Nappies for example can be changed on an old towel on the bed or the floor, you don't need a changing table or nonsense like that. A rucksack is a perfectly good changing bag. So much stuff marketed as indispensable is just fleecing the excitable parent to be!

OP, just do it. We are in a small place with a DD and DH and I have very little money but I would still say that DD wants for nothing. She has two parents who love her dearly and provide warmth, shelter, food, play and education in spades.

Oh and as we've found, kids don't need all the new fangled toys and things. An empty water bottle and a mum pulling a funny face is entertainment enough.

I'm the same age, in a rental property. Started TTC last year when DP was 3 months into his first job, paying off student debts, theoretically good income but very limited disposable income because of the debts. DD is now 7 months old ans shares our room, which is also her playroom. We don't go out much socially, but DD and I spend our days swimming at the local pool, park, library and playing in her room. Most of her stuff was inherited or bought in sales. She doesn't care!

I often kick myself for decisions that I made, not buying a house, leaving it too late. There is never an ideal time. But DD is the best thing that's ever happened to me. :)

Go for it, and good luck!

Another vote to get on with it here. I'm not the kind of person who thinks you shouldn't consider your circumstances before having a child. But your circumstances seem manageable. And your age weighs in favour of trying asap if you both want a child.

I stopped reading your post OP. If you want children please just do it.

I have twins in a 2 bed flat. Space wise you are fine. I also have a very well off brother who can give his children way more than we will ever, but so far (my boys are 3, their cousins are 3 and 1) none of the children have noticed.

I think you may feel guilty for working full-time (search "guilt" on MN and you'll find it from full-timers/part-timers/SAHMs), but if your child is at home with your DH they will be fine, and it won't hamper your relationship. How resentful you/DH may feel is an issue only you can weigh up.

We've probably got a bit more than £600 for food/clothes etc per month, but if circumstances changed and we were left with that, I wouldn't be offering up one of my boys to maintain my lifestyle!!!

Hey it?s Tuppence back ? sorry I did a bit of a post and run, life sort of intervened and I didn?t get the chance to post back earlier. I hope people don?t think I?m rude!

Thanks so much for your positive replies! I so appreciate people taking the time to share their experience (I am pretty clueless), and I feel reassured to know that real parents think that having a child would be do-able for us Sometimes I?ve wondered if I?m being totally unrealistic. I know we would probably struggle for money, but at the moment we still do stuff like going on holiday ? not expensive holidays but we always go somewhere ? but there are things like that we could give up. It would definitely be worth it.

Our debts are due to be paid off in about 2 ½ years so things should be a bit better fiancially then ? I know it?s a while off but then it could take as long as that to conceive. I am also realistic about our chances of conception ? yes, it might not happen for us but at least I wouldn?t spend my life regretting that we didn?t try.

DH is supportive. He isn?t as pre-occupied with this as I am, but he would like to be a dad and I think he would be a great dad. He is prepared to be a SAHP for the first few years ? I would worry a little bit about him feeling isolated and getting depressed but we do have a good group of friends around us and SIL and BIL who don?t work full-time just round the corner.

Oh to the folk who suggested selling up and renting ? I would love to do that but unfortunately we are (well I am) in hideous negative equity ? buying the flat was one of those silly decisions I made when single! I bought just at the beginning of the recession ? how stupid am I? I do still sort of hope be able to do that that one day though ? IMO home-ownership is over-rated.

Thanks again to every single person who replied, I feel a lot more positive and reassured.

outtolunchagain I?m glad you like my name! Tommy and Tuppence were my favourite AC sleuths as well!

Another thing to add about finances is that when my children were younger I worked in the evenings. Maybe your husband could get a part time job to fit around the child(ren) if you end up struggling for money.

why would he have to be a full time SAHP? he /you couldwork part time and share the childcare, combingni with a nursery/childminder.

go for it anyway. two rooms is enough for you and baby!

keepin a job (dpends what his career/ job is) even if it eats up most of net salary is worthwhile to keep in with working (if you at all worried about isolation) and also keeps up things like pension payments. assuming he also late 30s like you then that could be important factor in staying working and using childcare.

Another go for it, Im 37 now and we have completed our family of four.

I was broody at 28 though we had a teeny 2 bed flat. We moved from the SE to Scotland though and I became a SAHM. There's always a way, I also found I spent a lot less when I wasn't working, it's amazing the savings you can make.

I was 36 when we decided we'd better go for it. Living in a tiny tiny apartment in Amsterdam, where we have a severe housing shortage so moving isn't that easy even if you CAN afford it. I was lucky enough to get pregnant right away. My friends thought we were mad, and very stupid. My mother said, "Well, you've got the rest of your life to get a bigger house."

It's so true. Who knows what will happen down the track and you hopefully have many years ahead of you to change your housing situation. However, we women have a fairly limited window of fertility and at a certain point having children just won't be possible any more.

We got really lucky and found a new apartment quite quickly, but I know many people here in Amsterdam who have two or three children in a very small space (like, sometimes around 40 to 50 square metres). It's not always easy but it can certainly be done.

We have been quite broke ever since DS was born, as we have both taken heaps of time off work (self-employed) to spend time with him. DS doesn't seem too bothered. He has quite a few pairs of shoes but now that he is 2, all he ever wants to wear are his Wellingtons. Babies and little kids really don't need that much and you'll be stunned at how much stuff you get given. And you can always earn more money later on.

You should see the tiny spaces that people have children in in Paris!

Somehow they manage!

I don't see any serious reason why you shouldn't go for it, if you always think like that then there will never be a right time

You sound lovely go for it and good luck!

I think you should just go for it as well. I remember when we started TTC, I just couldn't stop thinking about babies babies babies. We too had debts and a house to keep, we still do, but we manage.

Go for it, definitely. But I'd urge you to get rid of the flat, even if you lose out financially long term, and rent. Then if anything goes tits up, say, you cannot work for some reason you are not in the poo as you could get short term support to pay your rent. Have you looked in to what tax credits you would be entitled to?

Also, babies don't need much room. I lived in a tiny one bed flat until my DC was 2, and it was fine!

Go for it, there's never a "right" time to have a baby but it is possible to leave it too late and have regrets. You're at a good age. Is your flat in London? In which case, rent it out and rent yourself a more spacious home somewhere further out when the db is older - first few years space doesn't matter at all. Property value in London will hold better than outside. But valid point re resenting being the working parent - have a good think about options - if you live somewhere different, could you manage on dh's salary and p/t work for you? If DH is stressed easily, newborn and isolation may not be ideal for him whereas you'd cope well as is clear from your post. But end of the day - go for it and deal with it when the times comes! Go go go if you want a baby