AIBU to consider having a baby in these circumstances (sorry, long)

[TuppenceBeresford]

Hi there, I wonder if anyone can give me advice? Sorry, I guess it's not really an AIBU, but posted in here because of heavy traffic and I am pretty desperate.

Basically, I want a child so much but don?t know if it would be responsible to have one in our current financial situation.

Some background I met my DH 4 years ago and we?ve been married for a couple of years. We?re not particularly well-off but we get by. I earn more than twice my DH?s salary but I don?t especially enjoy my work; heavy workload and deadlines = long hours and stress.

My husband?s job is fulfilling but quite poorly-paid. He is qualified to do other things, but due to illness in the past he is unable to do very stressful jobs and had to leave his former career.

Our mortgage (well my mortgage ? I bought the flat before I met DH) is huge ? I just bought at completely the wrong time, and the flat isn?t even that big (small 2-bedroom, no storage). We also have other debts which we are paying off.

I am desperate for a child but genuinely don?t know if we can afford it. Basically DH would have to give up his job as the mortgage, bills and everything come out of my salary. After bills, mortgage etc I usually have about £600 left over ? but that would have to pay for food for the 3 of us and nappies, everything else a small child needs. So I guess my question is - do other people manage on that sort of income, and is it far too little?

I?m also worried about how I would feel about working full time ? leaving my child all day - possibly working long hours and that I could end up feeling resentful towards my husband. I worry that it could affect my relationship with my child.

Another concern is that, as I said before, our flat is really not that big ? any child that we had would have very limited space to his/herself. I worry that I would feel so guilty, becase my SIL and BIL live just round the corner and their little DS wants for nothing ? he has a lovely bedroom all to himself and more importantly BIL and SIL are able to spend TIME with him.

I know we should probably put off TTC until we are in a better financial position, but the trouble is? I?m 37. So I don?t feel we have any time ? who knows how long it could take to conceive?

I know a lot of people would probably say that we shouldn?t do it ? it would be irresponsible and unfair to the child. And I know that a child is a gift ? not something I?m entitled to for my own gratification.

But I want it so badly, every time I hear about somebody else being pregnant it feels like a kick in the stomach and I just can?t stop crying all the time ? I feel like my stupid decisions made before I met DH have ruined my life.

Please, if you have the time, I would be so grateful for opinions, am feeling desperate (sorry this is so long, by the way).

[zippey]

I hope you go for it too. Babies arent expensive. We get a lot of toys and clothes from the charity shops, we use re-useable nappies etc. You may have to cut back on luxeries, but its the sacrifice you make.

Maybe dh could work part time at the weekend if money is tight?

Good luck!

[MichaelFinnegansWhiskers]

Of 'pram, moses basket, cot, car seat', all we had was a cot - and if you co-sleep, you don't even need to bother with that! In a small flat, we didn't need a Moses basket as well as a cot, we didn't have a car, so didn't need a car seat, and we used a sling until dd was 6 months old, then got a second hand buggy. We also used second-hand reusable nappies, which worked out much cheaper then disposables. Although to be honest, with 600/month, you can defo afford new things and disposables if that's your preference. Good luck, hope to hear some good news soon!

[Want2bSupermum]

I needed to get a set of things for my Dads house in the UK and found everything at the car boot sale held on Sunday mornings at the local hospital. Everything apart from the crib matress is 2nd hand and it cost just less than GBP100 for a crib, high chair, play pen, 3 safety gates, rocking horse, wooden blocks, pushchair (mamas and papas thing) for us to use incase airline breaks/lose ours, baby bathtub, linens for crib etc, changing station and foam insert for changing station.

[YompingJo]

Also, reusable nappies and wipes work out a lot cheaper - it's a bigger outlay at the beginning but definitely saves you money in the long run - lots of sites I looked at did price comparisons between reusables and disposables and the reusables saved around £800 to £1000 during the time the average child is in nappies. You can hire birth-to-potty sets of reusable nappies too - try googling The Nappy Lady to start with.

[YompingJo]

Just chipping in to counterbalance the peeps saying it could take a while to conceive - I was 36 when we started trying and fell pregnant in the second month of trying. So be prepared for a wait, but also be prepared for things to happen pretty fast - it could go either way - and we were a little taken by surprise as had been told by so many people that we would probably struggle to conceive!

Go for it, and good luck

[mumnosGOLDisbest]

as everyone else has said go for it. £600 spare is plenty more than we had babies arent that expensive if you are sensible. you really dont need that much if you are sensible and lucky enough to have friends/family who might donate things, if not ebay is your friend :) yourr biggest problem will be your lack of space but its not the be all and end all.

apart from a pram, moses basket, cot, car seat (all big but 1 off expenses) up till 6 months, all you really need are nappies (£10 box of 75 lasts us 2wks) and wipes and baby clothes (simple cheap baby grows). if you bf food is free. at 8 months dd only eats a very small amount. i don't cook extra, i just eat less. you'd get maternity leave too so dh wouldn't have to stop work imediately.

:)

[Want2bSupermum]

I would go for it. Having a child is as expensive as you want it to be.

[Napdamnyou]

It's a universal GO FOR IT from MN!

Please let us know when you get pregnant and we can all scatter rose petals and rejoice.

:)

[whendidigetold]

Go for it.
I don't want to worry you tuppence, but I always remember a favourite teacher at school she was a lovely person, one day we asked why she hadn't got any children. She told us that when she married they decided to wait until they had their own house, then a new car etc. then when they decided to try for baby there were problems and they were to old for treatment.
I have never forgotten her and when me and dh were thinking about starting a family I told him and we decided that we wouldn't let lack of money stop us there were lots of things we could live without but not children.

[pinkyp]

Go for it

[oooohhhhyes]

PS sorry do I sound broody

[oooohhhhyes]

Go for it, there's never a "right" time to have a baby but it is possible to leave it too late and have regrets. You're at a good age. Is your flat in London? In which case, rent it out and rent yourself a more spacious home somewhere further out when the db is older - first few years space doesn't matter at all. Property value in London will hold better than outside. But valid point re resenting being the working parent - have a good think about options - if you live somewhere different, could you manage on dh's salary and p/t work for you? If DH is stressed easily, newborn and isolation may not be ideal for him whereas you'd cope well as is clear from your post. But end of the day - go for it and deal with it when the times comes! Go go go if you want a baby

[DaveMccave]

Also, babies don't need much room. I lived in a tiny one bed flat until my DC was 2, and it was fine!

[DaveMccave]

Go for it, definitely. But I'd urge you to get rid of the flat, even if you lose out financially long term, and rent. Then if anything goes tits up, say, you cannot work for some reason you are not in the poo as you could get short term support to pay your rent. Have you looked in to what tax credits you would be entitled to?

[BeauNeidel]

I think you should just go for it as well. I remember when we started TTC, I just couldn't stop thinking about babies babies babies. We too had debts and a house to keep, we still do, but we manage.

[starkadder]

You sound lovely go for it and good luck!

[Nahla321]

I don't see any serious reason why you shouldn't go for it, if you always think like that then there will never be a right time

[Yika]

You should see the tiny spaces that people have children in in Paris!

Somehow they manage!

[MyLastDuchess]

I was 36 when we decided we'd better go for it. Living in a tiny tiny apartment in Amsterdam, where we have a severe housing shortage so moving isn't that easy even if you CAN afford it. I was lucky enough to get pregnant right away. My friends thought we were mad, and very stupid. My mother said, "Well, you've got the rest of your life to get a bigger house."

It's so true. Who knows what will happen down the track and you hopefully have many years ahead of you to change your housing situation. However, we women have a fairly limited window of fertility and at a certain point having children just won't be possible any more.

We got really lucky and found a new apartment quite quickly, but I know many people here in Amsterdam who have two or three children in a very small space (like, sometimes around 40 to 50 square metres). It's not always easy but it can certainly be done.

We have been quite broke ever since DS was born, as we have both taken heaps of time off work (self-employed) to spend time with him. DS doesn't seem too bothered. He has quite a few pairs of shoes but now that he is 2, all he ever wants to wear are his Wellingtons. Babies and little kids really don't need that much and you'll be stunned at how much stuff you get given. And you can always earn more money later on.

[sweetkitty]

Another go for it, Im 37 now and we have completed our family of four.

I was broody at 28 though we had a teeny 2 bed flat. We moved from the SE to Scotland though and I became a SAHM. There's always a way, I also found I spent a lot less when I wasn't working, it's amazing the savings you can make.

[cestlavielife]

why would he have to be a full time SAHP? he /you couldwork part time and share the childcare, combingni with a nursery/childminder.

go for it anyway. two rooms is enough for you and baby!

keepin a job (dpends what his career/ job is) even if it eats up most of net salary is worthwhile to keep in with working (if you at all worried about isolation) and also keeps up things like pension payments. assuming he also late 30s like you then that could be important factor in staying working and using childcare.

[Yorkpud]

Another thing to add about finances is that when my children were younger I worked in the evenings. Maybe your husband could get a part time job to fit around the child(ren) if you end up struggling for money.

[TuppenceBeresford]

Hey it?s Tuppence back ? sorry I did a bit of a post and run, life sort of intervened and I didn?t get the chance to post back earlier. I hope people don?t think I?m rude!

Thanks so much for your positive replies! I so appreciate people taking the time to share their experience (I am pretty clueless), and I feel reassured to know that real parents think that having a child would be do-able for us Sometimes I?ve wondered if I?m being totally unrealistic. I know we would probably struggle for money, but at the moment we still do stuff like going on holiday ? not expensive holidays but we always go somewhere ? but there are things like that we could give up. It would definitely be worth it.

Our debts are due to be paid off in about 2 ½ years so things should be a bit better fiancially then ? I know it?s a while off but then it could take as long as that to conceive. I am also realistic about our chances of conception ? yes, it might not happen for us but at least I wouldn?t spend my life regretting that we didn?t try.

DH is supportive. He isn?t as pre-occupied with this as I am, but he would like to be a dad and I think he would be a great dad. He is prepared to be a SAHP for the first few years ? I would worry a little bit about him feeling isolated and getting depressed but we do have a good group of friends around us and SIL and BIL who don?t work full-time just round the corner.

Oh to the folk who suggested selling up and renting ? I would love to do that but unfortunately we are (well I am) in hideous negative equity ? buying the flat was one of those silly decisions I made when single! I bought just at the beginning of the recession ? how stupid am I? I do still sort of hope be able to do that that one day though ? IMO home-ownership is over-rated.

Thanks again to every single person who replied, I feel a lot more positive and reassured.

outtolunchagain I?m glad you like my name! Tommy and Tuppence were my favourite AC sleuths as well!

[rattling]

I have twins in a 2 bed flat. Space wise you are fine. I also have a very well off brother who can give his children way more than we will ever, but so far (my boys are 3, their cousins are 3 and 1) none of the children have noticed.

I think you may feel guilty for working full-time (search "guilt" on MN and you'll find it from full-timers/part-timers/SAHMs), but if your child is at home with your DH they will be fine, and it won't hamper your relationship. How resentful you/DH may feel is an issue only you can weigh up.

We've probably got a bit more than £600 for food/clothes etc per month, but if circumstances changed and we were left with that, I wouldn't be offering up one of my boys to maintain my lifestyle!!!

[Mylittlepuds]

I stopped reading your post OP. If you want children please just do it.