AIBU to consider having a baby in these circumstances (sorry, long)

[TuppenceBeresford]

Hi there, I wonder if anyone can give me advice? Sorry, I guess it's not really an AIBU, but posted in here because of heavy traffic and I am pretty desperate.

Basically, I want a child so much but don?t know if it would be responsible to have one in our current financial situation.

Some background I met my DH 4 years ago and we?ve been married for a couple of years. We?re not particularly well-off but we get by. I earn more than twice my DH?s salary but I don?t especially enjoy my work; heavy workload and deadlines = long hours and stress.

My husband?s job is fulfilling but quite poorly-paid. He is qualified to do other things, but due to illness in the past he is unable to do very stressful jobs and had to leave his former career.

Our mortgage (well my mortgage ? I bought the flat before I met DH) is huge ? I just bought at completely the wrong time, and the flat isn?t even that big (small 2-bedroom, no storage). We also have other debts which we are paying off.

I am desperate for a child but genuinely don?t know if we can afford it. Basically DH would have to give up his job as the mortgage, bills and everything come out of my salary. After bills, mortgage etc I usually have about £600 left over ? but that would have to pay for food for the 3 of us and nappies, everything else a small child needs. So I guess my question is - do other people manage on that sort of income, and is it far too little?

I?m also worried about how I would feel about working full time ? leaving my child all day - possibly working long hours and that I could end up feeling resentful towards my husband. I worry that it could affect my relationship with my child.

Another concern is that, as I said before, our flat is really not that big ? any child that we had would have very limited space to his/herself. I worry that I would feel so guilty, becase my SIL and BIL live just round the corner and their little DS wants for nothing ? he has a lovely bedroom all to himself and more importantly BIL and SIL are able to spend TIME with him.

I know we should probably put off TTC until we are in a better financial position, but the trouble is? I?m 37. So I don?t feel we have any time ? who knows how long it could take to conceive?

I know a lot of people would probably say that we shouldn?t do it ? it would be irresponsible and unfair to the child. And I know that a child is a gift ? not something I?m entitled to for my own gratification.

But I want it so badly, every time I hear about somebody else being pregnant it feels like a kick in the stomach and I just can?t stop crying all the time ? I feel like my stupid decisions made before I met DH have ruined my life.

Please, if you have the time, I would be so grateful for opinions, am feeling desperate (sorry this is so long, by the way).

[oooohhhhyes]

PS sorry do I sound broody

[pinkyp]

Go for it

[whendidigetold]

Go for it.
I don't want to worry you tuppence, but I always remember a favourite teacher at school she was a lovely person, one day we asked why she hadn't got any children. She told us that when she married they decided to wait until they had their own house, then a new car etc. then when they decided to try for baby there were problems and they were to old for treatment.
I have never forgotten her and when me and dh were thinking about starting a family I told him and we decided that we wouldn't let lack of money stop us there were lots of things we could live without but not children.

[Napdamnyou]

It's a universal GO FOR IT from MN!

Please let us know when you get pregnant and we can all scatter rose petals and rejoice.

:)

[Want2bSupermum]

I would go for it. Having a child is as expensive as you want it to be.

[mumnosGOLDisbest]

as everyone else has said go for it. £600 spare is plenty more than we had babies arent that expensive if you are sensible. you really dont need that much if you are sensible and lucky enough to have friends/family who might donate things, if not ebay is your friend :) yourr biggest problem will be your lack of space but its not the be all and end all.

apart from a pram, moses basket, cot, car seat (all big but 1 off expenses) up till 6 months, all you really need are nappies (£10 box of 75 lasts us 2wks) and wipes and baby clothes (simple cheap baby grows). if you bf food is free. at 8 months dd only eats a very small amount. i don't cook extra, i just eat less. you'd get maternity leave too so dh wouldn't have to stop work imediately.

:)

[YompingJo]

Just chipping in to counterbalance the peeps saying it could take a while to conceive - I was 36 when we started trying and fell pregnant in the second month of trying. So be prepared for a wait, but also be prepared for things to happen pretty fast - it could go either way - and we were a little taken by surprise as had been told by so many people that we would probably struggle to conceive!

Go for it, and good luck

[YompingJo]

Also, reusable nappies and wipes work out a lot cheaper - it's a bigger outlay at the beginning but definitely saves you money in the long run - lots of sites I looked at did price comparisons between reusables and disposables and the reusables saved around £800 to £1000 during the time the average child is in nappies. You can hire birth-to-potty sets of reusable nappies too - try googling The Nappy Lady to start with.

[Want2bSupermum]

I needed to get a set of things for my Dads house in the UK and found everything at the car boot sale held on Sunday mornings at the local hospital. Everything apart from the crib matress is 2nd hand and it cost just less than GBP100 for a crib, high chair, play pen, 3 safety gates, rocking horse, wooden blocks, pushchair (mamas and papas thing) for us to use incase airline breaks/lose ours, baby bathtub, linens for crib etc, changing station and foam insert for changing station.

[MichaelFinnegansWhiskers]

Of 'pram, moses basket, cot, car seat', all we had was a cot - and if you co-sleep, you don't even need to bother with that! In a small flat, we didn't need a Moses basket as well as a cot, we didn't have a car, so didn't need a car seat, and we used a sling until dd was 6 months old, then got a second hand buggy. We also used second-hand reusable nappies, which worked out much cheaper then disposables. Although to be honest, with 600/month, you can defo afford new things and disposables if that's your preference. Good luck, hope to hear some good news soon!

[zippey]

I hope you go for it too. Babies arent expensive. We get a lot of toys and clothes from the charity shops, we use re-useable nappies etc. You may have to cut back on luxeries, but its the sacrifice you make.

Maybe dh could work part time at the weekend if money is tight?

Good luck!