AIBU to consider having a baby in these circumstances (sorry, long)

[TuppenceBeresford]

Hi there, I wonder if anyone can give me advice? Sorry, I guess it's not really an AIBU, but posted in here because of heavy traffic and I am pretty desperate.

Basically, I want a child so much but don?t know if it would be responsible to have one in our current financial situation.

Some background I met my DH 4 years ago and we?ve been married for a couple of years. We?re not particularly well-off but we get by. I earn more than twice my DH?s salary but I don?t especially enjoy my work; heavy workload and deadlines = long hours and stress.

My husband?s job is fulfilling but quite poorly-paid. He is qualified to do other things, but due to illness in the past he is unable to do very stressful jobs and had to leave his former career.

Our mortgage (well my mortgage ? I bought the flat before I met DH) is huge ? I just bought at completely the wrong time, and the flat isn?t even that big (small 2-bedroom, no storage). We also have other debts which we are paying off.

I am desperate for a child but genuinely don?t know if we can afford it. Basically DH would have to give up his job as the mortgage, bills and everything come out of my salary. After bills, mortgage etc I usually have about £600 left over ? but that would have to pay for food for the 3 of us and nappies, everything else a small child needs. So I guess my question is - do other people manage on that sort of income, and is it far too little?

I?m also worried about how I would feel about working full time ? leaving my child all day - possibly working long hours and that I could end up feeling resentful towards my husband. I worry that it could affect my relationship with my child.

Another concern is that, as I said before, our flat is really not that big ? any child that we had would have very limited space to his/herself. I worry that I would feel so guilty, becase my SIL and BIL live just round the corner and their little DS wants for nothing ? he has a lovely bedroom all to himself and more importantly BIL and SIL are able to spend TIME with him.

I know we should probably put off TTC until we are in a better financial position, but the trouble is? I?m 37. So I don?t feel we have any time ? who knows how long it could take to conceive?

I know a lot of people would probably say that we shouldn?t do it ? it would be irresponsible and unfair to the child. And I know that a child is a gift ? not something I?m entitled to for my own gratification.

But I want it so badly, every time I hear about somebody else being pregnant it feels like a kick in the stomach and I just can?t stop crying all the time ? I feel like my stupid decisions made before I met DH have ruined my life.

Please, if you have the time, I would be so grateful for opinions, am feeling desperate (sorry this is so long, by the way).

[Goldensunnydays81]

Do it, you will cope we lived in a 1 bedroom flat until ds was just over 1 it was fine and you can get baby stuff cheaply you don't need lots of expensive things yes people might spend lots on their children but all they really care about is love!!
I noticed as well that I didn't go out as much after ds was born so saved money that way and just generally found that my priorities changed!
So just go for it

[honeytea]

Go for it!

I had fertility problems in my 20's I'd say that if you do have problems (and I relaly really hope you don't) a couple of years before you turn 40 to sort the problems out will be very helpful!

Your situation sounds lots like our situation in some ways, we have a 1 bedroom flat with the possibility of a 2nd bedroom as the living room is huge, it's not ideal, I'd love a huge house with lots of rooms but it is enough for us. We live in a capital city and if we moved a couple of train stations out we could afford to buy a 3 bedroom house for the same price as the flat, is that an option for you?

I'm pregnant at the moment and baby stuff can be really relaly cheap. We have been given loads of things, most things are second hand, we also have been looking around 2nd hand shops. So long as you are not fussy and the baby definatly won't give a damn babies are cheap.

If your DP is a sahp then you could consider clth nappies, that will cut down on cost.

Good luck!

[imperialstateknickers]

Err... I think there is an unanimous go for it here OP - possibly a first in AIBU?

[JuliaScurr]

both go part time?
another vote in favour

[MadBusLady]

My muther, when I were born, kept house and food and baby on £100 a month, which was all that was left after mortgage, bills and commute for fahther.

I've just used this handy little site and apparently that is the equivalent of £470 today.

Course, there weren't as many nice things around to buy in the seventies

[Fanjita]

Do it, do it now

[MichaelFinnegansWhiskers]

[amandine07]

I would say definitely go for it now- assuming your husband is in agreement too. Your age is the key factor- yes you could spend the next couple of years clearing your debts before TTC.

But honestly you have no way of knowing how long it will take to become pregnant- it could happen straight away or you may still be trying 2 years down the line and wondering if you can afford IVF.

I'm certain babies don't need as much crap as there is out there to buy! As long as they have food, warmth & love that counts for everything, especially in the early years.
Good luck :-)

[Bigwheel]

Go for it. £600 left over after bills seems like loads to me. You may have to make a few changes but you'll cope. Ttc isn't always easy, it often takes a few years. I would get busy if I were you :-)

[Bluegingham]

You're 37. Do it.

[RightBuggerforGOLD]

You are 37 years old. If you want a baby, try now, you don't have time to wait for ideal circumstances (there will never be an ideal time either, imo, you just go for it and make your circumstances work as best you can).

[RosannaBanana]

Go for it! :)

[margerykemp]

go for it, you really dont have time to wait.

£600 pcm to spare and a 2 bed flat is fine for a small family

[Dogsmom]

Definitely go for it, sounds harsh but time isn't on your side, I'm 37 and it's taken 3 years to get pregnant, I expected to give birth 9 months after we stopped using condoms but my body had other ideas, fertility drops quite rapidly at our age :(

In the meantime save hard, if you currently have £600 left over then put it aside each month now, it'll soon build up into a decent amount and may mean you can afford to be off longer, I assume you will get maternity pay from your employer so your husband wont need to quit his job until you need to go back to work which will give you the two incomes for as long as possible.

[PickledFanjoCat]

We rent out our flat and use the income to rent a house. Could you do this?

At 37 if you want dc you really should start now!

[aldiwhore]

You sound like a thoughtful, responsible person.

I would say go for it, you will manage. My parents managed, my DH and I manage, you don't have to be rich.

Is there any way you could sell your flat, are you likely to make money on it? There's no shame in renting or relocating.

Do you love your job enough to go back full time when you've had your baby?

I have been both a full time SAHM and a full time working mum, there's pros and cons to both, but the biggest piece of advice I can give is that you can only really live with the cons if you had a choice about it.

I didn't plan my pregnancy (what will be will be was our attitude so a baby was planned 'at some point') and you are in a far stronger position than I was, yet we've manged wonderfully, and now have two children who completely rock our world.

The first 5 years are, I believe (depending on how you do it) not that expensive. So you have a fair amount of time to assess what you need to do to attain the standard of living you want. I don't think many generations before us had everything BEFORE they started their families, I know my parents owned a very modest home (second child) but it was a long while until they had a bigger home, a brand new sofa, and holidays!

How does your DH feel? Is there some way you can begin to put in place a new career, or at least think about returning to work part time, sharing childcare with your DH?

Go for it. Definitely, with all your concerns in your OP that aren't just about you but your potential child, I think you sound like you'll make a great mum.

[MsOnatopp]

£600 spare a month? If only :o

We do well enough. I budget tightly and can not risk stopping but we are happy. :)
Go for it!

[MadameJosephine]

Definitely go for it, there will never be an ideal time but at your age time is not on your side and you may live to regret it if you leave it too late.

We started ttc when I was 36 and my partner had a successful business, everything was going well and we thought it was the perfect time for a DC. Fast forward 5 years after lots of fertility treatment I am 34 weeks pg at the grand old age of 41 - a natural conception a month after my partners business went into liquidation and he was declared bankrupt!!

[Yika]

Just adding my voice to the tide of unanimity - do it, do it, do it. Having a baby is a primal, existential need (for many people). If you feel this way then do it before it's too late. You will never regret the baby even if you have to scrimp and save.

[skateboarder]

Not ideal but maybe you could take a mortgage 'holiday' for few months. Few couples i know have done that and although in long run they will pay more, a few extra months off work for you might help you feel better about the situation.
Go for it.

[larks35]

Go for it. Sooner the better IMO. What is the maternity package like for you at work? Could you comfortably get 6 months off before returning? Start saving now to enable this if you can. Also, how does your DP feel about being a SAHD? If he isn't totally into the idea, wouldn't his wages be enough to pay for a lovely childminder (I have one, they're brilliant!) and have a little more leftover?

[Finbert]

Go for it!

[larks35]

Ooh meant to add, you will get Child Benefit at £81 per month and find out if your employers are part of the child-care voucher scheme, basically worth an extra £80 per month. This all really helps.

[minipie]

Go for it.

There are some people who say "you should have a child if you want one, never mind your situation, the practicalities will sort themselves out". I am not one of those people. I think that in your position you should go for it. And don't put it off any longer.

[ErikNorseman]

Omg just get on with it