to wonder if some unputdownable babies are made not born that way?

[aamia]

I'm in no doubt that some of them have constantly uncomfy tummies or other problems that drive them to need soothing 24/7. However, are they all like that? I only wonder because DS is very put downable for me - I have popped him in his moses basket and left him there while doing chores (within sight/sound) since the beginning, and after an initial few days of crying when left then realising that I wasn't coming back unless there was actually a problem, he has been fine. Now he only cries if hungry/dirty nappy/cold/tummy hurts. Fair enough, and I'm very happy to attend to those asap! He gets plenty of time being carried too, when I do the horses or we're out and about. Now with DH, there is an element of the fact that DH can't bear to see him cry at all, so will hold him the entire time and just not put him down. As a result, he cries much more when DH has him, and DH gets nothing else done at all!

So I'm wondering - do some babies never get put down in the early days, and then can't cope with the idea, rather than there being anything actually wrong? Or is that an unreasonable thing to think?

Ds1 always appeared to an happy in his own company and even now likes his space.

He's perfectly social but will sometimes take himself away for 5 minutes peace during social events and interrupt him at your own risk!

DS since been diagnosed with austism was an unputdownable baby, even now he is 6 and can be over bearing with the amount of hugs and kisses he gives me and still like sleeping in my bed.

DD was totally diffrent

The OP illustrates my theory that parents of a child who:

• doesn't cry as a baby
• eats well, eats everything
• sleeps well

etc.

often attribute, what is often just good luck, to superior parenting skills.....

I always think: just you wait

FWIW, I had a baby who screamed when lying down, as he had reflux and tummy pains. he also was a fussy eater (again related to the delicate tum) and still gets tummy pains now he is 9. Luck of the draw?

Anyway, this thread makes me feel nostalgic for babies, and to hold one!

What's lovelier than cuddling your baby, how can it be a bad thing?

My firstborn screamed all the time and would never sleep. I wondered how my friends managed to do things like get dressed or clean their house. Then I had DS1 and amazingly he slept for 4 hours, woke to feed, then slept for 4 hours. Didn't want to be held - quite happy to go back in his cot (and now at 25 still doesn't like being touched).

DC5 is a velcro-baby. Leonie's description of "She constantly seeks touching me, sitting on me, sitting on my back, on my leg, on my side. et when we're out, she runs off frequently and has to be restrained / kept in the pushchair for everyone's safety!" describes 5 yo DD2 to a tee.

My mum used to put me in a pram at the bottom of the garden where she couldn't hear me. OP you want to read up on the Truby King method of raising children. Sounds right up your street :(

after an initial few days of crying when left then realising that I wasn't coming back unless there was actually a problem, he has been fine.

You have just taught him that you don't respond to his needs. Fuck me, a newborn? Do you have any clue about the role of parental responsiveness in the developing psyche of infants? It's pretty darn important. The infant brain cannot order and process their environment, you can't 'teach' an infant that you 'only come back if there is a problem' you just teach them that they are alone, frightened, unhappy and nobody is there to comfort them.

Dd was a perfect angel, straight away went happily to sleep in her moses basket, enjoyed company but didn't demand it all the time.
Ds was unputdownable in the extreme, my mum used to come in and say "are you still carrying that baby around?", but he would be hysterical otherwise.

And he was another who was later found to be severely autistic. We seem to have a bit of a theme here.

I'm pretty sure DD3's unputdownability is a product of her reasonable fear of her older sisters.

Yes we do Pixel.

Interesting isn't it?

When people ask when I noticed there was something different about my DS I say from the moment he was born.

"I don't know how some mums on here managed to have a bath let alone tidy up cook and clean"

isn't that what husbands/partners/cleaners are for?

" The infant brain cannot order and process their environment, you can't 'teach' an infant that you 'only come back if there is a problem' you just teach them that they are alone, frightened, unhappy and nobody is there to comfort them."

If their brain can't order or process their environment, how do they know they are alone and nobody is there to comfort them?

herethereandeverywhere I think there's a world of difference between leaving one child for a few minutes while sorting out the other one, and choosing to leave your baby to cry so it learns not to seek a response. We're all human and can just do the best we can.

'Athing'
The infant brain is not able to 'understand' that mum comes if they are hungry or wet, but not if they are just in need of comfort. You can't 'teach' an infant that because they cannot rationalise that sequence of events. However, you can fuck up their neural pathways by not responding to their needs. It's not 'teaching' as in the infant cannot 'learn' in a rresponsive way, but it is behaviour that leads to negative and disordered neural development so it's 'imparting a lesson' in a basic, primal way.

Mine didn't get put down much, I didn't want to and slings are easy.

DC1 needed that contact, until the age of about 1 when she became the world's most independent toddler.

DC2 was supremely put-downable. He had no impact on the environment whatsoever. He barely cried. He's another ASD child, but opposite to most on here - even now, at 7, he still has the art of basically being invisible in a room, he is so turned inwards. At 10 months he had an injury that put him in hospital in traction for a month. He did not cry once, after the initial pain was dealt with. Everyone saw this as "good" behaviour, until the paed that DX'd his ASD pointed out that it was completely abnormal.

DC3 was born when DC2 was experiencing sensory overload and beginning to do meltdowns for the first time in his life. He lived in a sling, by the time he was a couple of weeks old he was being slung on my back for necessity. Like DC1, he is very confident and independent.

All in all, I think pandering and spoiling small babies results in long term happiness for all. A child under 6 months cannot be spoilt, they don't have the capacity. Meet their needs, whether those are physical, emotional or just plain wanting, and you set the foundations for an independent, confident child. IMHO, of course.

DD1 was unputdownable, she would only settle for me, and not all the time. She hardly slept and cried a lot! I think she just hated being a baby - she didn't improve until she was mobile.

DS was the most chilled baby ever. He was fed, changed and put into his pram and lay there until he fell asleep. I thought I had this baby thing cracked...

Then DD2 was born, she was another unputdownable baby. She hated her pram, car seat, bouncy chair, and was only happy if someone held her. But she didn't mind who was doing the holding which meant she got passed round adults wherever she went because she loved it and was a very cuddly baby.

I think unputdownables are born and not made, how my dc were as babies is pretty much as they are now as teens and tweens. DD1 is still impatient and cries and shouts a lot. DS is still chilled and DD2 still fusses and needs lots of cuddles and attention.

I conclude that babies are indeed little people with their own likes, dislikes and preferences.

Amazing that.

My (only DC) DS was not put down for prob his first 12 weeks, everyone said I would spoil him.....this was my choice as he was just so perfect I didn't want to put him down while I was awake I've no idea if it was him that was unputdownable as I never tested it

He slept in his crib every night, has slept 12 hours (with me waking him for a feed at midnight until he was 6m old) since he was 4 and a bit weeks old, is so sociable has a smile for everyone....

.....so I think I throw a spanner in the works as I did my best to create an unputdownable baby, but his true nature has shone thru

Interesting reading :). It was just one of those things I was wondering, and like I said, I don't doubt that many that won't be put down are genuinely uncomfortable. Lol at those who assumed I left bubs for hours though. Five minutes to have a shower, or to wash up, or get some lunch. Followed by a couple of hours of cuddles on the sofa or being carried while doing easier chores! He learnt that nothing bad happened and that he was safe in his cot, I got to do the basics of everyday living. Tbh in hospital you have to leave baby in its cot to go to the toilet and it is totally on its own for those few minutes. We leave babies in their cots at night for several hours at a time - some people even in different rooms! I know some people co-sleep, but it has been linked to higher incidences of SIDS, so I won't, he had to learn that being on his own was ok, and doing that in gradually increasing small amounts of time seemed much kinder than just 'it's night time, cope on your own'. He sleeps SO much better now (next to my bed but in his own cot), has a nice little chirp that warns me he's hungry before he cries, then I can wake up and sort him before he's upset. He's learnt during the day that if there's a problem and I'm, say, in the shower, he'll cry a bit, he'll hear my voice, and I'll be there soon. Learning to wait a little is a fact of life. I can't feed him/change him in a shop queue, or while driving the car. I'll do so as soon as I can, but life sometimes needs us to be able to wait.

I had an unputdownable one too, he fed constantly and I could not leave the room unless he was asleep.

He is almost 3 now and self settles, sleeps through and tells me to go away!

And a genuine question - for those who say I shouldn't put baby down for five minute spells of time, how do you do these things safely, with baby strapped to you?

• Cook (risk of burning/scalding from hot food/liquids)
• Take a shower (risk of slipping on way in/out, how do you wash the bit the sling is attached to...)
• Drive (baby needs to be in car seat surely?)
• Deal with large animals (I won't take DS into the horses' field with me, what if they argued and kicked out? He'd be killed! Better for five mins in parked pram within reach, on the other side of the fence.)
• Go to the toilet (awkward much!)
• Iron clothes (hot implement too close for comfort).
• Eat dinner/lunch (hot food)

They're the things I put him down for - I'm sure that makes me a horrendous mother, but my mum put me down FAR more than that, and I'm absolutely fine!

DS was an unputdownable baby. Then again I was a mum who couldn't bear to be too far away from him.

When we had him baptised I expessed milk so someone else could feed him while I ran around making sure everyone was looked after.

He was 3 months old by this time and absolutely refused to be fed by anyone else.

When DD was born almost 3 years later I was prepared for exactly the same thing.

Right from the start, she was bathed, changed, fed and put in her cradle whre she would sleep for 5-6 hours. I honestly thought there was something wrong with her.

In answer to your question, I really think they are born "needy".

DS now is very self sufficient,very soft hearted, very bright, loves animals. I ould go on and on

And there's ALWAYS someone watching the pram at the field, in case of Kites. It restricts when I can go down, but safety first!

Chandon I could not agree more. I have a DD who hates sleep and loves food. We were at a shop the other day and she was munching on blackberries and asking for more. More than one person commented on how wonderful it was to see a child so enthusiastic about fruit and how so many won't eat it. I was getting so many you are a wonderful mummy vibes it was untrue.

When I talk about her sleep I get pursed lips and suggestions and judging. Neither was anything to do with me. She never needs much sleep and she has always eaten like a horse.

I think that people attribute lots of DC behaviour to their actions. The truth is that they are their own people. I'm off to write a smug mummy book about food to make everyone cry whose DC just eat one food group. Bwahahaha.

Just read back some of the replies. Think some of these are a bit harsh. OP I think you are a vey confident mother who doesn't let her child feed off her insecurities.

I would be interested to know how many of these "unputdownable" babies are first borns?