to wonder if some unputdownable babies are made not born that way?

[aamia]

I'm in no doubt that some of them have constantly uncomfy tummies or other problems that drive them to need soothing 24/7. However, are they all like that? I only wonder because DS is very put downable for me - I have popped him in his moses basket and left him there while doing chores (within sight/sound) since the beginning, and after an initial few days of crying when left then realising that I wasn't coming back unless there was actually a problem, he has been fine. Now he only cries if hungry/dirty nappy/cold/tummy hurts. Fair enough, and I'm very happy to attend to those asap! He gets plenty of time being carried too, when I do the horses or we're out and about. Now with DH, there is an element of the fact that DH can't bear to see him cry at all, so will hold him the entire time and just not put him down. As a result, he cries much more when DH has him, and DH gets nothing else done at all!

So I'm wondering - do some babies never get put down in the early days, and then can't cope with the idea, rather than there being anything actually wrong? Or is that an unreasonable thing to think?

after an initial few days of crying when left then realising that I wasn't coming back unless there was actually a problem, he has been fine.

So effectively, CIO with a newborn? A baby's only way of communicating with you is to cry, and comfort is JUST as important as needing a feed or a nappy change.

Until 6mo, babies don't have object permanence, which means that if you go out of sight then they don't realise that you're still there, even if they can hear you. You effectively vanish and they think they've been abandoned.

I reckon your DS probably cries more for your DH because he knows that his needs will be attended to - there's not much point crying for you because you won't come to him unless you decide he needs feeding or changing.

DD was able to be put down fairly quickly, and could be left to it on her mat to do whatever but DS is a completely different kettle of fish who struggles with me being on the other side of the room to him well within his sight!

Interesting reading about the sensory processing - I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and environments.

Both my girls have very sensitive hearing picked upon by other adults like teachers while DS hearing been a worry as at times its been really poor he also much more comfortable in crowds getting to the front while I and the girls tend to hate crowded places.

Carpe so true. If I had a gold coin for every time I'd been advised to "just leave him for 3 nights and then he'll sleep through" always from someone with a sum total of 2 kids and absolutely no other education. My arse. He didn't, he doesn't, and that's how he is.

My baby is putdownable but I have never left him to cry, there is a difference. He just doesn't cry sometimes when he's down for a bit. If he did cry I might have an unputdownable baby. I held him constantly in the first weeks so I don't think it has anything to do with whether he was 'made' like that or not. It's just his personality.

Dunno, horses for courses, all parents are different and that. I do think it's a bit iffy for people to assume that if you put your baby down you're ignoring them or neglecting them.

Like Tailtwister said, not wanting to be left on your own is a basic survival instinct - you don't want to be left behind a bush when your nomadic family group moves on or left in the cave next door to be eaten by a bear. Which obviously is an evolutionary mismatch in the UK in the 21st century but still a very real emotion.

Plus, they've just spent 9 months being inside their mothers, hearing a heartbeat all the time, etc. Bit brutal to expect them to be happy in a box by themselves all of a sudden! And as other posters have said, you've no idea what's going on with them, wind, teeth, etc.

DD was impossible to put down, my second (DS) not so much but I noticed that he was distracted by her presence and what she was doing, thus allowing me extra minutes and seconds with a spare pair of hands.

Am amused at Mrs Devere's "scummy" babies. I suspect she means "scrummy".

I have no idea.

I had a first who was quite unputdownable (though he was extremely happy to be taken for long walks in his pram/buggy, which was a big plus) and a second who was perfectly happy to entertain herself.

The unputdownable one is now 10 and still seeks other people's company quite actively, he talks to you even when he plays on his nintendo.

I think of babies as being like wild animal young.
Take a lion cub, mum goes off to do something, cub squeaks for a few minutes and then shuts up because for that cub it is safer for them to be quiet and hidden so predators don't notice them. The being quiet is not because they have suddenly become content, it's because they need to survive.
I couldn't bear the thought that my child was lying there upset but quiet because they've learned that it's better not to cry. They are babies for such a short space of time I don't see the problem.

leaving a newborn baby to cry it out is a shit thing to do. It is shit parenting and I reserve the right to judge anyone who mistreats a newborn in this way.

God, I remember telling a 'frenemy' about ds's crying when i was soooo fed up about 6 wks in and her saying ' chilled mummy, chilled baby" and I nearly punched her. He just wouldn't sit in his chair or on his playmat for 5 minutes. Was either asleep, feeding or crying. Drove me insane. He's still a massive drama lama, but a happy, sociable little boy apart from that.

Then I had dd and she is chilled to the core. She actually self settles - I found this out by accident as ds was having a tantrum and I unlatched dd, stuck her in her Moses basket and went to sort ds out. When I came back she was asleep. she loves the playmat, loves her bouncy chair, loves sitting on the beanbag watching everyone. Nothing to do with me It's just her.

mine have all been different, so i do think it is personality, ds1 wouldnt be put down ever. ds2 was happy from a young age to lie under the baby gym etc and was crawling at 5mths, he co slept and i used a sling etc but he was and still is very active and so liked being put down so he could explore.

ds3 i coudlnt put down and when i held him i had to be standing up, he would cry if i sat down! he lived in a sling, eh also crawled early tho but still preferred to be held.

ds4 was a very easy going baby, i was amazed actually at how easy going he was! he sucks his thumb and has since birth and i am sure that helped as he could self sooth.

dd was a bit of a mix, loved to be held but was happy to sit and watch etc, had to be swaddled to sleep until 15mths tho! she is very independent now when she wants to be, insists on walking most of the time at 21mths and is into everything but if tired or grizzly she will say 'help' 'up' and wants to be carried and held, esp when tired i often end up with her on my hip when i am doing dinner as its her tired time of the day.

babies dont cry for no reason and needing to be held is a reason to cry, certainly not one to be ignored!

Btw, I'm now worried that dd lacks survival instinct

I have no personal experience, but my mum said that my elder sister was a very quiet calm baby and needed minimal attention, but I screamed constantly, wouldn't sleep, and she spent most of the day (and night) pacing up and down soothing me. I had (and still have) reflux problems, so perhaps that was the explanation. Perhaps I am just stroppy. It wasn't down to her allowing me to call the shots though! She was just doing her best, with an unsettled baby.

Richman mine didn't tend stop crying either it was just how I felt about leaving a baby to cry and if they then stopped. I don't feel they stop because they're suddenly ok. If that makes sense

Richmanpoorman oh god, the people who imply that your baby is demanding because you're not chilled out enough...

I think the posters who've had both putdownable and unputdownable babies pretty much summarise this nicely.

Born, not made.

DC2 due this week, and if he/she happens to be another unputdownable (DS was an impossible baby), and anyone tells me it's because I need to chill out, I will hit them. Hard.

My dd was unputdownable in her early weeks, till we gave her a dummy, which made things much better. We never left her crying though.

DS was much more independent from the off and you could feed him and pop him in his cot and he would gaze around then doze off. DD would never have done this in a million years.

However I didn't create him this way - we never left him crying for a moment, either. I think he was born like this - I expected to spend the first night in hospital awake all night holding him, whereas actually he just snoozed in his cot, much to my surprise.

In fact at 11 months he is now harder to put down than he ever was as a little baby, but that's cos he's now clocked that I go away and leave him when he's asleep! But even now he is pretty easy - just needs a cuddle and to be sleepy then he nods off like a dream.

DD, on the other hand, needed to be flat out unconscious before you could leave the room! I still have to sit on her bed for a few mins while she dozes off and she is 3 and a quarter! (Though, writing that down, she is still pretty little isn't she).

I can't bear to let my DD 5m to cry. I see to her as soon as I can. She was unputdownable for the first 15 weeks but then started to be quite content in her bouncy chair for ages. She's quite secure now, and is very happy. Whether that's down to me holding her for four months or not I don't know.

I do believe that babies under 6 months should never be left to CIO.
But hey ho, whatever suits the parents I suppose.

Different personalities.
i have had 4 and they all have different personalities some are very good at self soothing and others very needy (not really the right word-of course babies are needy, but you know what i mean).

But posts like yours irritate me , OP.You have one baby and because you haven't experienced something think it doesn't exist! It's like saying i've never had a broken leg, so broken legs don't exist.

I'm glad there are a lots of posts that say these high needs babies are born that way. My dd was a baby that would not be put down at all. It was exhausting and I believed it was my fault as nothing would stop her crying, but picking her up. I now have dc3 who does cry when put down (about 30 secs) and then drifts off to sleep, a totally different child. I really believe they are born that way. I wish I'd known that with dd, as I wouldn't have blamed myself!

What utter judgemental, look-at-me-I'm-doing-it-right bollocks.

And I don't often say that.

You didn't have a "put-downable" baby, did you? You had a baby who quite naturally cried when put down and left. The most you can say is that you created a put-downable baby by putting him down and persisting with that approach until he got with the program.

A put-downable baby is presumably one who is happy to be put down and doesn't cry for "a few days". I had one of those in DS1. DS2 was less happy to be put down and was accordingly held more. In fact we don't have a pram - he has been carried everywhere in a sling for nearly 9 months. Funnily enough he is now quite content to be put down to play or sleep in his cot and rarely cries to be picked back up again. So there goes your theory on that!

I'm not entirely sure I believe this OP - there aren't many people who would be happy to announce that their baby cried for a few days before realising that they weren't coming back.

my not putdownable baby is now an independent child, confident to have a go in new situations... and has been since age 3 (those first 3 years though were hard work)

my put downable baby is as clingy as anytthing now he is a child and does not like to be left.

YABU, especially to leave a newborn baby to cry. To a newborn, who has been inside you for 9 months and is suddenly in a big, strange world where they only know you, being alone can be a problem, needing a cuddle is a problem, they need you and as has been said, a baby crying and you responding is the first way a baby communicates, it's the building block for speech.

My first three babies were very putdownable. Fell asleep easily with no fuss, pretty much anywhere, very rarely cried, were happy to play and in fact, fall asleep on their playmats etc. I assumed All my babies would be the same, until I had DD3.... she was born screaming, didn't stop for an hour and then pretty much carried on screaming for the first three months of her life. She could never be put down and would even scream if we went for a walk with her pram, so I had to use a sling. She wouldn't cry for a bit and then stop either, at times when I had to do things, like have a quick shower, she cried progressively more frantically until I picked her up again. It was very clear she needed to be held a lot.