To think he could carry me for a bit? (sorry, bit long)

[CashConfusion]

Please can I have your opinion on our financial situation and responsibilities to one another and whether AIBU? I really have no idea if I am.

DP and I have totally separate finances. Before DS (2.5) was born, we split all expenses - mortgage on the house we live in (he moved into mine), utilities, food etc) 50/50, with DP paying his share monthly into my account and I pay all bills. I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time - at least 2 years because DS very hard won and will be an only. DP in agreement with this. We agreed I would aim to get back to work in September of this year.

I am self-employed so when I don't work, obviously, I don't earn. I do have about £400 a month from a property I rent out. DP is an employee earning about £45k and also had, until last year when he sold it, about £1200 a month from renting the flat he lived in before he moved in with me. He realised almost 200K from this sale.

Since DS was born, we have split expenses 60/40 with me paying 40% (from my savings). That is until recently when I instigated a 80/20 split as I was running out of money. I explained to DP that I had no money left and asked if he would support me until I got back to work. I am actively looking for work and am confident that I will get something soon but it is taking a bit longer that I had hoped. DP in agreement with this.

I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS.

At the beginning of August, DP paid £2.5k into my account without any explanation. I thought it was because a counsellor we were seeing suggested that he might like to make a contribution to my savings given we were a team and in recognition of the contribution I had made as a SAHM.

Tonight DP has just announced that he is only paying £700 into my account this month (which will not come close to covering out outgoings) as he is "offsetting" against the £2.5K he gave me! I feel sick and shaky. Where does he think I am going to get money from? Effectively, this means he considers the £2.5K a loan and I have to pay him back. I feel totally unsupported and vulnerable. He says he "didn't realise I didn't have any more money". I had told him and we had agreed!

We are going to talk tomorrow night. I realise that I can't whine about spending my savings - it was my choice to stay at home and not earn. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to support me for a bit or is he being unreasonable to not want to do it?

If you've made it this far, huge thanks! I am genuinely confused as to what is the right thing to do and need an objective view.

KatieScarlett I actually want to go back to work and am actively looking. I just can't keep paying until I find work.

also think this is a bit odd; DP and I used to split everything 50:50 pre children, even though I earn more than she does - she resisted any suggestion that we might run our contributions proportionately and I respect that. However, we now have 2 dds, she has been on career break for 3 years, and so far no job has been offered at the end of the career break. She had a small retainer which was used for additional expenses, but we have been living off my (reduced) salary primarily for the last 3 years. I see this as a family decision, don't think of our income as 'my' money, and if I really thought about it could view this as the payment for the additional investment DP made pre-children. I do think it's difficult for her though not to have her own money, although she has full access to all our accounts. She has a broken pension history, but is the chief beneficiary of my scheme.

YANBU at all

Sort your child are first, I have had to turn three jobs down in the past 12 months due to lack of acceptable childcare.

AThingInYourLife - quite right.

OP - I can't add anything to what others have said - I'm shell-shocked to be honest.

If you really don't want to be married, get thee to a solicitor post-haste and get wills drawn up pronto. As well as see a very good financial advisor.

Good luck!

Thanks everyone. Had the talk last night. It was very calm, I explained that I felt that our arrangement was unfair and damaged our relationship. He agreed "when you put it like that, yes it has been unfair" but that he hadn't given it much thought (well, you wouldn't would you!). He wasn't able to explain why he thought it was OK to give me money then take it away (the 2.5K "loan") other than he claims he didn't know I had no money left and that it was to tide me over until I was working, which in fairness, we both thought I would be by now.

I said I had four non-negotiable points:

1. total transparency of assets (agreed) 2)wherever legal, all assets to be held jointly (agreed) inc. joint bank accounts
2. marriage (definitely not agreed, no way, never) or a legal agreement that offered the same protection, if such a thing can be achieved (agreed). I said that if we could not find a legal agreement that would offer us all him, me and DS the same level of protection as marriage, it could be a deal breaker. He thought this was "aggressive" but we agreed to discuss again once we had explored legal options. 4)He covers all our expenses until I am working again (agreed)

We also talked about the counsellor having suggested that he made a contribution to my savings which he didn't balk at, but we didn't discuss further. I will bring it up again tonight when we go through income and outgoings with a view to agreeing how that will work.

I feel better but will see how things progress.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and post. Don't think I would have achieved this outcome without all your kind thoughts and advice.

Well done, that sounds v sensible and like a great start. Quite promising actually.

Well done! That sounds like a very productive discussion

Well done. Do pursue the repayment of savings, that's your security, your contingency and possibly part of your stake in a new home.

"I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS."

WTF???? YANBU. You know that. You are a couple and money should be shared. How is the above fair??

I was a SAHM for years while the dc were small and dh paid for everything, including paying me an allowance each month - without quibbling about it. Which is right - I was giving up my salary and pension etc.

Your dh sounds incerdibly unreasonable - tight and unfair and selfish. Good luck with your chat.

I'm really glad the chat was so productive. Hope he follows through with his agreements.

Good luck!

OP, I am glad you have had some results after your talk.

I found this very painful reading as I was feeling so bad for you

You keep saying this was all your choice/decision but I think it was very unfair that you had to finish your savings while his remain untouched. O wonder you feel resentful.

Good luck to getting it all sorted.

Also, all the discretionary spends you mentioned - gifts, clothes, hair etc I would consider joint household expenses. So if you didn't buy gifts for people your DP wouldn't either?
It shouldn't matter who is buying it, it is a household expense.

Sorry to harp on the point, it really got to me

OP well done. Now stick to your guns.

Well done OP - it does sound like you'll get it sorted. Don't back down on point 3 though.

Just wanted to add some further food for thought on the subject. DP and I have been together for 3 years or so and have DD together with another on the way. When we started off, I owned a reasonably successful business and half a house, and had a full time job, and when I moved in with him I was very careful indeed to pay (or more than pay) my own way. I found it very hard indeed when DD arrived and I needed his support whilst on Mat Leave (as the business couldn't afford to support me and other job is SMP only). I used up savings and overstretched myself.

My business went into liquidation in January (bloody recession) and I am now bankrupt. Fairly major change in circumstances! What has struck me, however, is that the Official Receivers are incredibly clear about who should make what contribution to the household income and what is considered a justifable household expense - and it includes clothing and haircuts because they want you to stay in a job!

My permitted monthly spending is based on what proportion of the household income I generate, and therefore what proportion of the bills I should pay. It is as simple as that and all thoughts I previously had about paying an "equal" share have had to be shelved as I am not allowed to: the point is this is, actually, normal, and what people are routinely expected to do when they identify themselves as a family unit. I am very lucky as DP fully understands and the only reason we are not married is the bankruptcy: it took me a lot longer to get my head round me being dependent than it did him.

I'm not trying to scare you here - I realise you're a long way from my situation, but sometimes unpredictable things happen and you find you really need to be able to change your attitude, and also to rely heavily on your partner. I still find it hard but I resent the circumstances that folded the business, not my DP for being supportive - and I have learnt to cling a bit less fondly to splendid isolation and total independence.

Fingers crossed for you OP.

It is easy to go to registry office and sing papers and get marriage certificate - it is a legal binding agreement and doesn't need to be anyone but you and two witnesses - a bit like making an appointment to make a will then going back three weeks later to sign on the dotted line.

make of marriage what you will and treat it as you like - keep your own names etc.

if and this is an if one of you dies then the tax implications are far far better if you are married.

OP, any update?