To think he could carry me for a bit? (sorry, bit long)

[CashConfusion]

Please can I have your opinion on our financial situation and responsibilities to one another and whether AIBU? I really have no idea if I am.

DP and I have totally separate finances. Before DS (2.5) was born, we split all expenses - mortgage on the house we live in (he moved into mine), utilities, food etc) 50/50, with DP paying his share monthly into my account and I pay all bills. I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time - at least 2 years because DS very hard won and will be an only. DP in agreement with this. We agreed I would aim to get back to work in September of this year.

I am self-employed so when I don't work, obviously, I don't earn. I do have about £400 a month from a property I rent out. DP is an employee earning about £45k and also had, until last year when he sold it, about £1200 a month from renting the flat he lived in before he moved in with me. He realised almost 200K from this sale.

Since DS was born, we have split expenses 60/40 with me paying 40% (from my savings). That is until recently when I instigated a 80/20 split as I was running out of money. I explained to DP that I had no money left and asked if he would support me until I got back to work. I am actively looking for work and am confident that I will get something soon but it is taking a bit longer that I had hoped. DP in agreement with this.

I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS.

At the beginning of August, DP paid £2.5k into my account without any explanation. I thought it was because a counsellor we were seeing suggested that he might like to make a contribution to my savings given we were a team and in recognition of the contribution I had made as a SAHM.

Tonight DP has just announced that he is only paying £700 into my account this month (which will not come close to covering out outgoings) as he is "offsetting" against the £2.5K he gave me! I feel sick and shaky. Where does he think I am going to get money from? Effectively, this means he considers the £2.5K a loan and I have to pay him back. I feel totally unsupported and vulnerable. He says he "didn't realise I didn't have any more money". I had told him and we had agreed!

We are going to talk tomorrow night. I realise that I can't whine about spending my savings - it was my choice to stay at home and not earn. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to support me for a bit or is he being unreasonable to not want to do it?

If you've made it this far, huge thanks! I am genuinely confused as to what is the right thing to do and need an objective view.

I didn't say you were a single parent, I said you were an unmarried SAHM, which is a very unwise and vulnerable position to put yourself in.

Your wills won't protect you if he leaves.

You will be pretty fucked. Your savings are gone, you have no work and he is not obliged to pay a penny on your mortgage. You'll have to sell your flat if you want to stay in your home.

He won't marry you and he wants to maintain his financial independence.

That means financially you are on your own.

It doesn't matter if everyone on MN thinks he should cover your costs, he's not prepared to pool finances or have any legal obligation to look after you.

He can walk away at any time with all his savings, investments and pensions intact.

Even if you bill him for half of the childcare you provide, you'll still be struggling and vulnerable.

You need to get realistic about your situation - he has no legal obligations to you and is not prepared to have any, or to support you as part of a family.

Whatever you do next must recognise that you have a lodger who pays some household expenses for the child you share. You don't have a partner.

He's looking out for himself and is quite happy to fuck you over in the process.

Holy shit.

Do you have any idea how unhealthy this relationship is? You can fix the finances, but not sure you can fix his attitude. And not sure how easily you can fix your own acceptance of his attitude. I may be speaking harshly but you sound a bit like the wife of an alcoholic, doing all the 'enabling' stuff that simply permits him to carry on.

Some people are anal with money. So you set up a pot where earnings all go in one account. essentials taken out and then the remainder split by an agreed percentage, so that if one partner wants to buy silly flash cars they can, if it comes from their own money, after all the joint stuff gets paid. So, when you aren't earning he should cover everything needed to keep house running and then give you a % of what's left over. when you get earning again you re-fix the % (after taking childcare out of the central pot of course). Windfalls and capital stuff - well, open to discussion. There's no right or wrong way to split what's leftover, but they must be discussed and jointly agreed. And the underlying essential is that there are no secrets - he sees your money, you see his.

You guys are simply miles away from this kind of set-up. And I don't think you will even get close without a huge shake-up.

Sorry A thing in your life, I misread your post. I am getting progressively more upset and not reading properly. I appreciate you taking the time to post and I understand your position. I am only now starting to see how vulnerable I am and I am frightened. Other than continue to look for work and asking DP to pay all expenses - what else can I do??

You need to stop trying so hard to be reasonable.

Your "partner" is financially screwing you over and leaving you totally financially vulnerable.

Sorry, cross posted there.

It's understandable that you're frightened. You should also be bloody angry.

AThing is completely correct, I can't add to that.

Sorry CashConfusion :(

In the short term all you can do is what you're doing.

In the medium term I think you need to get financial and legal advice and protect yourself financially.

Because he lives in your house you will be assessed for benefits as a single household despite the fact that he treats you as a business expense.

I think you need to have a long think about a man so obsessed with protecting his own financial position while yours is decimated (as you accurately put it).

If my understanding is correct if you own another property apart from the one you live in you will not be eligible for benefits if this property is declared. I think you should have a really good think about your financial position. On reading through again, he is saving lots in ISA,s, pensions and so on while your savings are going down. But don't panic yet. Just think it through carefully.

A few, not very well connected, thoughts.

Your report of his attitude reminds me of people who say 'I know it sounds awful but' then go on to say something indisputably awful. In your BF's case ' I know I'm really tight about money but, it's just the way I was brought up'. He is really tight, to the extent that it could jeopardise his most important relationships and make those closest to him miserable. There's no 'just' about it, no excuse, stop making them for him.

Beside the point a bit but your figure of £1.5 k a month sounds fine, for London and a mortgage there. I lived on £1k a month for over a year after being made redundant, not in London, low mortgage. I cut back in many ways (no new clothes, cheaper haircuts, almost no meals out) but was comfortable, sharing a house and equal bills with DP.

But... The reason I continued to pay 50% of all household outgoings and did dip into savings for this was that, after many years of full time work, I decided to take the opportunity of some time out to reflect and pursue other fulfilling activities. As voluntary lady of leisure I think it's only fair I paid my own way. That is totally different from being a full time SAHM!

The way you talk about your income from rented property is confusing. I'd understood £400 profit but then you say mortgage comes out of that. If that's the gross figure, so do maintenance, contingency for major repairs, advertising, other expenses and taxes. I'd expect your pre-mortgage profit to be about £250. Point is you need to have all the real figures to hand if you are to have a useful discussion with anyone.

You say you're going to see a mortgage advisor. That's good but you should also see a financial advisor. They cover a far broader area.

The thing about him contributing to your mortgage is potentially confusing and I've seen threads here advocating every possible sort of approach to this as fair, when people move in together. But, he'd need to be paying to live somewhere. His flat's mortgage was covered by tenants I think. So, paying for the maintenance of a roof over his head and your son's, including half of repairs (not enhancements), without expecting to own any equity in your house is not unreasonable, just not the way everyone would chose to arrange things. You should not put his name on the deeds or mortgage, or he could end up owning more of your house than he paid for.

If you do buy a house together, what proportion will you own? You've just spent your deposit on the privilege of looking after your child. I really would be billing your BF for the cost of a nanny and housekeeper (as relevant) for the last 2.5 years and using that as your deposit.

I completely agree with the person who said you are two individuals living together, not partners.

Think of the last 2.5 years another way.

Instead of having 45k savings, look at it as your 'income', you were working.

You'd have paid in the same amounts, according to his rules of 50:50, but you would also have had a childcare bill and a bill for a cleaner, to do all the work you did at home.

Your Partner would have had to pay his half of all the housing/heating/foood/kids clothes etc bills as he did, and pay his half of the childcare and cleaning bills.

Assuming a Nanny at ~£550 a week, and a cleaner at ~£40 a week, over £2.5 years, he 'owes' £35,100 (give or take) for his half of those bills.

Now, if you want to be really generous, take the 10% 'extra' he coughed up off that. And draw him a bill for the rest!

I'll bet he 'owes' about £25k - 30k.

Add the lost interest on your savings to the bill, and ask for the money (and anything you would have 'saved' yourself from your income in that time) - he would.

That's what he, personally, saved by you staying at home and wiping yourself out.

He's basically had a kid, and not paid a penny for the first 2.5 years of that child's life. Ridiculous!

I would be asking hom to pay his 50% + 50% of full time childcare (backdated ofcourse) seen as he likes to be so fair

Even if you round down he 'owes' you around £25,000.

Nice work ginny.

That is the logic of the current arrangement.

And this is why no woman who isn't married should give up work to be a SAHM. Because you can be shafted every which way.

Do you actually love each other, OP? Because your whole relationship sounds like a bloody business transaction.

I have no advice, because to resolve your situation you need to persuade your 'D'P to think about your lives differently. Only you know whether that is going to be possible.

At the moment I would describe you as co-parents rather than anything more, you are clearly not a team.

Just to contrast. I'm a SAHM. DH runs his own business, in which I am a 50% shareholder and co-director. We have a joint account, and personal accounts. I manage the business account and pay the dividends to each of us. We have complete financial transparency, what is his is mine and vice versa. All our personal savings are in my name in an account that only I have the password to. This is my security blanket against DH going insane in future and wanting to bugger off.

I hope your talk goes well.

What I would do. Find child are for the little one. That gets split 50/50 now you are under pressure to find a job, so you will. Once you have one, get a cleaner 50/50 again.
Once things are on an equal footing ask yourself do you love him ?
Does he want another child ? My ultimatum to my DH was if you want number 2 you put a ring on it, one I can do alone, two is a whole different ball game.

We both work full time and our childcare/cleaning costs come to £44k pa. I do hope if he insists on this 50/50 arrangement that he also pays his £22k pa contribution of the above to you direct. And remember to claim your 28 days paid holiday each year.

Knobhead.

sorry op but your dp is being really unfair!
Before I had kids me and my husband brought home about 3k a month, now we have two kids with a third imminent arrival (due 15th) my husband is the bread winner and I am a sahm. We don't have very much money and struggle most of the time but he pays for everything and the money is for our bills not my share his share.
Your dp is earning a lot more than mine and he should be paying all the bills etc. I manage with child benefit as pocket money for buying the kids bits and bobs or if I need something for myself and that's how a relationship should work, as a team.
good luck op, have another chat with him.

You are not married? Eek. He has got you to use up all your savings and lets you live on air while you look after DS. You have been well and truly shafted.

Think what you want to achieve and write it all down. Either he makes this a partnership of equals or he loses the two of you. Don't let him abuse you financially any longer. You hold the trump card- DS. Is DP on the birth certificate?

I hope my DDs are never treated like this- what do your parents think about it all?

You have spent the last 2 years at home so he has had no need to pay for his 50% of childcare. That would be at 5 days a week for his proportion.

Work it out and show him how much you have subbed him by.

I agree with Xales

2 years at nursery is 104 weeks minus nursery holidays weeks would leave 100 weeks at 150 pounds - that equals 15000 pounds

His half would be 7500.

Then there is the cleaner and cook - a decent cleaner and cook/housekeeper would easily be 50 quid a week and that is on the cheap side.

His share 1300

Then night nurse maid for night feeds putting to bed and getting up in the morning.

Another 7500 for him

so he is owing you at least 16000

Where is his pride sponging of his dc's mother?

Sorry I am a bit shocked at somebody saying you hold the trump card your DS. I don't think children should be looked upon this way even although the DP has not behaved fairly in this situation.

Thank you for your calculations! I may use them in my conversation this evening. Just dipping out now to make DS' dinner.

I think I am going to ask for full disclosure, full sharing of assets, joint accounts and he keeps me til I find work. I will mention the suggestion of compensation, reminding him that the therapist had also suggested this. No point in pussyfooting about any longer.

I will ask about marriage but tbh I'd prefer a non-marriage legal solution. Anyone know of there is such a thing?

I want him to acknowledge that even though this is my making, he has gone along with it and the outcome is not fair to me. I want him to acknowledge we need to change radically in our outlook on our partnership if we are to continue.

Any solicitor could advise you on drawing up a legal agreement. If you've already thrashed out a draft between you it wouldn't take them long to knock it into a binding format.

Good for you for asking for the whole hog at once, I do think it is the only way when his attitude is so far wide of the mark.

Have you given thought to what will happen if he tells you that things aren't going to change and that you need to suck it up?

You have two choices.

a) Go back to work and bill him for half of the childcare.

b) Continue to stay at home and renegotiate your financial responsibilities.

You are the one who is looking to change your agreement, be prepared for him to go for plan a).

AliB if change is non-negotiable, it'll have to be over won't it? Because that will mean that he does not care for me and his financial wellbeing is more important than that of his family.

He will have to leave and I will have to resort to the CSA for him to support DS. I will have to sell my other property and try and get lodgers in here. I did this pre-DP and while not fun, it was doable in order to afford the house.

I may be proven wrong but I really don't think it will come to that.

Thanks again everyone for making me see sense.

Why can't you go back to work?