To think he could carry me for a bit? (sorry, bit long)

[CashConfusion]

Please can I have your opinion on our financial situation and responsibilities to one another and whether AIBU? I really have no idea if I am.

DP and I have totally separate finances. Before DS (2.5) was born, we split all expenses - mortgage on the house we live in (he moved into mine), utilities, food etc) 50/50, with DP paying his share monthly into my account and I pay all bills. I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time - at least 2 years because DS very hard won and will be an only. DP in agreement with this. We agreed I would aim to get back to work in September of this year.

I am self-employed so when I don't work, obviously, I don't earn. I do have about £400 a month from a property I rent out. DP is an employee earning about £45k and also had, until last year when he sold it, about £1200 a month from renting the flat he lived in before he moved in with me. He realised almost 200K from this sale.

Since DS was born, we have split expenses 60/40 with me paying 40% (from my savings). That is until recently when I instigated a 80/20 split as I was running out of money. I explained to DP that I had no money left and asked if he would support me until I got back to work. I am actively looking for work and am confident that I will get something soon but it is taking a bit longer that I had hoped. DP in agreement with this.

I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS.

At the beginning of August, DP paid £2.5k into my account without any explanation. I thought it was because a counsellor we were seeing suggested that he might like to make a contribution to my savings given we were a team and in recognition of the contribution I had made as a SAHM.

Tonight DP has just announced that he is only paying £700 into my account this month (which will not come close to covering out outgoings) as he is "offsetting" against the £2.5K he gave me! I feel sick and shaky. Where does he think I am going to get money from? Effectively, this means he considers the £2.5K a loan and I have to pay him back. I feel totally unsupported and vulnerable. He says he "didn't realise I didn't have any more money". I had told him and we had agreed!

We are going to talk tomorrow night. I realise that I can't whine about spending my savings - it was my choice to stay at home and not earn. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to support me for a bit or is he being unreasonable to not want to do it?

If you've made it this far, huge thanks! I am genuinely confused as to what is the right thing to do and need an objective view.

I think he should be paying for everything, you're his partner and the mother of his child. He should be supporting his family. Tight git.

(My husband pays for everything as I don't work and my daughter, his stepdaughter, is now an adult and has moved out.)

"Would the £200,000 not pay a significant chunk off the mortgage and reduce your outgoings ? Has that happened if not why not?"

Presumably because the house is in her name only and they are not married.

This guy would be crazy to pay £2K off somebody else's mortgage. He's been paying a substantial part of the mortgage for years with no stake in the house.

The unfairness here is not one way.

It is pretty U to stop working for two years when you can't afford it.

Do you have very high living costs as to go thought £45k in 2 and a half years is a hell of a lot for 40% of your bills.

Does he think you overspend whilst he is more carefull with money?

In any event you need to sit down with him and all your paperwork and show him what the bills are and how much needs payiing out each month. Then set up a joint account for paying these bills. If you are not working than until you do he needs to cover the lot.

Sorry, £200K

He's presumably already contribued far more than £2K to the equity the OP has in her house.

Of course, if he leaves she'll lose the house because she can't pay the mortgage and he has no obligation to do so.

missed the bit of you having £400 pm coming in from a rental. This should go into the joint account as your contribution until you are working.

I dont know where on how you live but £45k plus £500 pm in 2.5 years would make me thing you have a problem with your spending

Is your dh aware of the costs of childcare that he would have had to share if you had not been at home? And the fact that life gets more expensive if you have less time (assuming that you are a reasonably competent housekeeper who can save money by investing time)? Or does he somehow think that if you were working your financial situation would look like it did pre-ds?

Having read this, and all of the replies, I think this OP and her DP need proper financial advice along with a big discussion about the responsibilities of being a father and what being a SAHM actually means. I think the OP has been extremely naive to have spent her own money, and if they are not married then she is in quite a lot of trouble. Becoming a family unit (whether married or not) and having a baby involves a lot of financial planning on both parent's side, as it's obvious that a mother is not going to be able to continue to contribute to the family coffers if she is not working. Childcare is not cheap, and that should have been discussed too, as you could have gone back to work sooner, but who would have funded the childcare? The child is his child too, and if you separated it sounds as though he would have to pay a lot more than he currently contributes.

I would be sitting down with DP and telling him you need to do a full household budget, and that incomes and outgoings must be combined from now on. If nothing else, running through a budget might help you figure out where your £60k went over the last couple of years!

ooh your situation makes me cringe a bit what a horrible way to deal with finances When you are in a serious partnership especially when children are involved, you need to put a significant amount of your money together as ofcourse there will be situations when your income is not equal. If you were to go on holiday, it would be silly for him to stay in a first class room whilst you and DC are stuck in a caravan outside. It's the same at home, he shouldn't really have more 'spare' money floating around you should make cutbacks as a family. That being said, somebody else did point out about DP's standing in terms of the mortgage. Until that is joint you are always going to have to separate your money.

Thanks for all your advice and questions. They are all helping. In answer to some questions:

All receipts for expenses go into a pot in the kitchen and DP tots them up and then puts his share into my bank account each month. I then pay the bills and have pro rata compensation for what I have spent. So we have a really good records of who has spent how much and on what.

I only put receipts in there for household items for us and DS. I don't for example put in receipts for any haircuts, clothes, drinks with friends (very infrequent), presents or cards for friends (mine or DS) as I consider all this discretionary spending. I have recently needed to buy some new clothes and have expenses (travel, lunches) for networking to get back to work but again, I choose to pay for this. My choice, so I pay. Whilst I am not in sackcloth and ashes, I am not extravagant. DP knows exactly what I spend on stuff and would the very first to tell me to cool my jets if he felt I was overspending. I think we are wasteful with food and this is an area I am addressing. I would say that DP is more careful with his spending but I do all the social oiling so bottles of wine when we go to a friends for dinner etc, cards or flowers to say thanks for people having to us to stay I buy so it probably looks like I am spending more money on discretionaries.

45k is what about £18k a year - £1.5k a month. This is still a good sum of money but out of this, I have spent some big chunks on the house, with DP paying half as agreed, the rest has gone on day to day living - mortgage (we live in London and have a reasonable mortgage), insurances, and council tax, utilities, food, clothes, toys and books for DS. I also have the mortgage and insurance payments to make on the house I rent out.

In the event we split up I have always thought that I would repay his contributions to the mortgage and some sort of equity calculation even if it meant selling the house to do so. I would be fair. He knows this. I have offered to put his name on the deeds and he has said at this time it is not necessary. I do wonder if I would be making myself even more vulnerable if I did this though?

Re: cash from sale of flat, he wants to try and buy another flat to generate some income and be a long term investment. I support this aim rather than paying off the mortgage as I see my cash difficulties as temporary.

A Thing in Your Life I (we?) have certainly not budgeted as well as we should have done and I agree that is unreasonable but surely the point is we can afford it together - it's just I can't afford to do something we've agreed to do together, in the way we've agreed to do together i.e me a SAHM for this period with this way of financing the costs. Or is my simmering resentment colouring my view too much?

You're so bloody nice and reasonable and he's just not. How can you share the financial burden when you have been spending all your time and energy caring for your child and running the household?

Do you think you'll be able to tell him how it is?

I am aware too, that we are incredibly lucky to have been able to make the choices we have about money, and to someone who is properly struggling financially, I must sound unbelievable. I do apologise for this.

YANBU especially if he moved into your house. Make him pay half what the deposit for your house would have been worth now out of the 200k he made out of selling his house and moving into yours.

And then charge him monthly for your expenses in being married to him and producing and caring for his child...

"partners" share everything. He doesn't seem like a real partner to me.

If you split I wouldn't pay him a penny for the mortgage payments he's been making. What does he think is housing his child?

He's very tight indeed - that's why he hasn't married you, whatever he says. His path to getting out is kept smooth that way - he's made a lot of money living with you by splitting bills, to be used as a fresh start, and he doesn't have to support either you or his children now or in the future. Classy.

Cash don't apologise. I am "properly struggling" but I am not remotely offended. I think the use of the money isn't really the issue, it's about where you go from here. You & DP need to be on the same side. You sound utterly lovely, I hope he can cope with the adjustments needed and you get through this patch.

45k is what about £18k a year - £1.5k a month Er, no it isn't. According to thesalarycalculator.com it's £33kpa, £2.7kpm. Where is the remaining £1.2k? Surely he's not saving that much in pensions etc?

The fact that you own your house does complicate things somewhat. He's contributed to major repairs and if you do split up, I don't think he'll be legally entitled to any of that. TBH, I can't work out what is fair in your situation, but I do know that you having spent all of your savings to support yourself definitely isn't.

I was financially independent from the age of 16 to 38, when I became a SAHM - and the lack of financial independence doesn't bother me at all. Why? Because I'm married to a man who genuinely sees his wage as our income, thinks it's fair we have the same amount of "spends", and hasn't made me spend my savings on day to day living.

As everybody else has said, talk, talk, talk to him. And then talk some more. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just very misguided about money and what it means to be a family.

If you split I wouldn't pay him a penny for the mortgage payments he's been making. What does he think is housing his child?

I second this. Consider it rent, but maybe give him some of the money he's paid towards repairs - if you have any money left to give him, that is.

MsV -- I think the 45K te OP means is her savings, split over 2.5 years, not the 'partner's' income.

Lancelottie of course it is . Sorry, became confused because that's also the amount her DH earns.

I think you are being way too reasonable. Sorry but to me it seems strange that he literally only pays in what has been spent - i.e. what is in the receipts pot.

Wouldn't it make more sense to work out your bills/shopping etc and then put that ammount from salary + a bit extra for additional expenses into a joint account to cover all family costs? I would see things like haircut and clothes for you as a necesseity actually because as his partner surely he doesn't want to see you in rags!! And also presents for DC friends - I mean DC is his child so why should you have to pay for pressies for party's etc.

Also what happened to his £200k that he got for his house? Is it just sitting in his bank account earning him interest while you struggle? Would it make sense for him to use this to pay off some of the mortgage on your house (you could add his name to the deeds).

It seems like he thinks he is doing you a favour. From your OP it sounds like your DC was planned so what did he think would happen and who did he think would look after it? Either it's a parent who stays at home or if you work you then have to factor in childcare costs which are very high.

MsVestibule - Lancelottie is right - and it is confusing! I made the decision re: returning mortgage payments etc pre-DS and you guys are right - I hadn't really considered the fact that I am housing our son!

I too am lost as to what would have been the fairest way to share the burden of losing one of our incomes but I do know that we can't continue like this.

I mentioned a joint account earlier this weekend before the "just £700 this month" came up. He agreed to a joint account for bills but wants to keep everything else separate. Is this a good start or should I put my foot down and insist on all or nothing? I do understand that he has been bred to feel financially insecure but does he think I am some sort of gold digger who is going to run away with the contents of his savings account??

Incidentally, we have a meeting with a mortgage broker week after next to discuss the future purchase of a joint family home when we move for DS to start school and the purchase of this investment flat. We need to get our ducks in a row before then. Either way, it will be an interesting meeting!

I have just printed off my bank statements since April and we will talk tonight about outgoings - what is critical and what is discretionary. DP sees his savings as critical whereas I think if we are a team they should be, for the moment anyway, discretionary. I am not quite overdrawn but will be this month if no more funds forthcoming. I think he will come round to understanding what we need to do. Reluctantly. He is not a bad guy. He is as emotionally supportive as an uptight Northerner can be and does a lot of the cleaning, is as hands on a dad as he can be on his work schedule.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to post.

I struggle to understand how men and women can share their gene pool but not their money and think it would work

YANBU in the slightest op. Do you mind saying what problems the counselling was for?

OP, I don't have the same sort of 'my money' and 'your money' arrangement with my DH as you do, as we have, from the very start of our relationship (together for 10 years, married for 6 years, with DS1 4 yo and DS2 5 months old) pooled all of our savings and income. We don't analyse what we spend, and neither of us has an allowance - we just make sure we save a certain amount after the hills are paid, and then everything else can be spent on whatever each of us wiuld like to buy.

But I really feel that your contributions are not being fairly valued. Had you gone back to work after having your DS, there would be a childcare cost. How would that have been split, do you think? I am guessing 50/50, from what you have posted. What is the going rate fgor nursery/childminder/nanny (ie whatever you think you would ahve chosen) in your area? As, if you don't have pooled money, this is what your DP would have been responsible for paying.

You could make the point that he 'owes' you £X as that is what he would have been spnding on childcare, had you not been a SAHM, spending your savings. You are way underestimating your contributions here.

DS was very, very planned (IVF) and an against the odds miracle child! He is the light of both our lives. DP is besotted. DS is perfect. I can feel my heart swelling now just thinking about him! Actually, DP would have been as happy to be the parent who stayed at home to look after DS but I really wanted to. I think that is where some of my reticence about being supported financially comes from, I feel like he is doing me a favour by letting me be the one to be at home with him.

Counselling for a general inability to communicate in all areas! I am on ADs for all the usual post-birth "loss of identity" issues but also feel like I instigate all progress and change in our lives and that makes me feel alone and tired. I love change, he loathes it! It has been useful - or so I thought! Sadly can't continue as work schedule prevents (and I am all out of cash to pay my half of the costs!)

Exactly perfumed.

IMO There are two different cases:

1. a couple who are genuine partners
2. two people living together

There seem to be many in the second category, which is fine provided that both persons understand. What is sad in so many cases on here is that one person believes they are in the first category and their 'partner' thinks they are in the other.