To think he could carry me for a bit? (sorry, bit long)

[CashConfusion]

Please can I have your opinion on our financial situation and responsibilities to one another and whether AIBU? I really have no idea if I am.

DP and I have totally separate finances. Before DS (2.5) was born, we split all expenses - mortgage on the house we live in (he moved into mine), utilities, food etc) 50/50, with DP paying his share monthly into my account and I pay all bills. I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time - at least 2 years because DS very hard won and will be an only. DP in agreement with this. We agreed I would aim to get back to work in September of this year.

I am self-employed so when I don't work, obviously, I don't earn. I do have about £400 a month from a property I rent out. DP is an employee earning about £45k and also had, until last year when he sold it, about £1200 a month from renting the flat he lived in before he moved in with me. He realised almost 200K from this sale.

Since DS was born, we have split expenses 60/40 with me paying 40% (from my savings). That is until recently when I instigated a 80/20 split as I was running out of money. I explained to DP that I had no money left and asked if he would support me until I got back to work. I am actively looking for work and am confident that I will get something soon but it is taking a bit longer that I had hoped. DP in agreement with this.

I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS.

At the beginning of August, DP paid £2.5k into my account without any explanation. I thought it was because a counsellor we were seeing suggested that he might like to make a contribution to my savings given we were a team and in recognition of the contribution I had made as a SAHM.

Tonight DP has just announced that he is only paying £700 into my account this month (which will not come close to covering out outgoings) as he is "offsetting" against the £2.5K he gave me! I feel sick and shaky. Where does he think I am going to get money from? Effectively, this means he considers the £2.5K a loan and I have to pay him back. I feel totally unsupported and vulnerable. He says he "didn't realise I didn't have any more money". I had told him and we had agreed!

We are going to talk tomorrow night. I realise that I can't whine about spending my savings - it was my choice to stay at home and not earn. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to support me for a bit or is he being unreasonable to not want to do it?

If you've made it this far, huge thanks! I am genuinely confused as to what is the right thing to do and need an objective view.

Have you really spent your £45k savings in 2.5 years?

It sounds like a real lack of communication - just sit down and talk about it properly.

All my money and dh's money is pooled which I realise isn't for everyone but it works for us and complete avoids this kind of issue.

I'm the same as armedtotheteeth...DH and I have just had one account since we were married, anything else feels foreign to me. However I know this is not the way a lot of people do it.

I would just tell him you haven't got the money and won't until you begin to work again.

I think it is just poor communication. I hope so. Felt a bit tearful at people's responses. I do feel a bit like I have let DP take advantage a bit, unwittingly, because of his attitude to money.

ATTT - sadly yes I have and DP and I are so far from flash. Four pairs of shoes in two years! A new roof, boiler and house repairs have seen off the rest!

Well if all that money went into the house, then surely he should be paying his share of those bills too, not some fixed amount as if he was lodging with his mum and dad. Would you be willing to go over all the bank statements etc with him and show him what you have spent the bulk of the money on.

Our income is split about 90:10 with dh earning most of it. Sometimes he does moan that he doesn't know where all the money goes, but then I know that he can't spend less than 50 quid for a day's food, and I know I am doing a better job than he would! If he wants more control over the finances then he needs to take more responsibility for understanding the bills.

My dh is on a similar income and it really doesn't go too far when you have mortgage, bills, 5 mouths to feed. It's about time your oh realised the cost of living. Or move out and let the government pay to raise his child for him.

Don't feel guilty about staying at home, you have seen your ds through a vital stage in his development, do be careful about committing any further to this man (e.g. A sibling etc) until he realises his responsibilities. Even if you had worked, much of your income would have gone on childcare, maybe work out for him how much you have saved through not paying for nursery.

what happened to the 200k from selling his flat?

I have 3 accounts. The joint ac which all household money comes out if, my ac for wages & my ac for child benefit & kid related stuff like clubs, lessons etc. I sat down with dh years ago & went through our budget, expenses, outgoings. I do end up paying a lot for extras but he is much better at realising how much we/ I spend. Have you ever actually sat down and gone through every bill & expense you have? It is hard but Saves a lot of arguing in the long run.

Sounds like money is his top priority. We have a joint bank account. We both work full time but when he was at university I supported him and on mat leave he supported me. He either has to make a committment or not.

It sounds awful. You need to talk and get this sorted out. Is he on the mortgage? Maybe you should go back to the counsellor. I also like the idea of drawing up a list of outgoings, let him see how far his his £700 would go.

I am currently staying home with dd2, (we are overseas so no maternity pay) dh's salary is ours to share. I don't remember the last time he had his bank card, it seems to be permanently in my wallet. He would never question what I have spent. And IMO that is the way it should be.

YANBU. The OP's partner being ridiculous and stingy to a relationship destroying extent. I am a SAHM at the moment and my DH pays for everything. My savings went into a deposit for our house, but so did his, because it is our house. We now have complete joint accounts and consult each other on big purchases and budget for things together.

The only thing in our relationship that is slightly unfair is pensions, but he has a work scheme where his work matches his contributions. Also I'm seven years younger than him so I should be able to catch up on pension contributions once we pay off our mortgage which we are aiming to do in six years so it makes more sense to put money into the mortgage instead of my pension, I think.

It often costs money initially to get back into work and my DH is happy to pay for childcare and uni tuition so I can get a better paying job when the kids are older. Your partner needs to be your partner not your flatmate.

I just don't understand how people can have separate finances with children, especially as the children get older and need more things etc. I'm in my second marriage and problems like this are one of the reasons I split up with my exes... both dds dad and my ex husband.

With my dh now we share everything. I am a sahm to dd aged 9 and ds 4 monthsand he earns 14k. We pay everything into one account and all bills come out of this. We work out a budget and allocate some spending money for us both which is put into another joint account and we both spend this. We never argue about money. If one of the kids needs something we just buy it. My ex was all mine and yours about everything and it drove me nuts.

If you are a sahm you are doing a job for our family and therefore equally entitled to half the family money.

send him an invoice for his half of the cost of you doing childminding, cooking, cleaning and so on.

I seriously would do that.

He obviously sees no value in what you do that does not bring money in.

He should be paying most if not all the bills. Enough said!

Is his name on the mortgage?

Your DP should be offering more financial support given that you both agreed that you would be a SAHM. There is nothing embarrassing about pooling resources to look after your children. Is your relationship ok in other areas? I can't see why you would think its ok to spend all your own savings while DP keeps his!

Do a budget of outgoings. Have a joint account for all income. Any leftover from outgoings should be divided into personal money for you both to go into your own accounts, and if theres enough, savings for you both. This is what works for us (except that there's never enough in the pot!). If that doesn't work for him, ask what will but be prepared that he might not be as supportive of your not working if it actually hits his wallet.

Get married.

You are basically destitute with no legal protection.

If he leaves you are fucked.

You should not have spent your savings. Living expenses should have come out of income. Your rental profits and his salary and rental. Possibly the income on his investments from sale of property too.

You both agreed to your being a SAHM, this is in no way an indulgence, or something that you benefit from any more than he does, it is for the benefit of your family. If it was not affordable that should have been identified when you agreed it. It sounds as though it is easily affordable from income.

You did this because you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable about being financially dependent? If you've always felt that way he is taking advantage. Ask yourself though if being with him contributes to your feeling this way.

So, it 'hurts him' not to pay into savings but he's willing to inflict the pain of eroding all savings on you? That's not very nice, is it.

Your situation sounds awful. I don't understand separate finances when you are a couple especially when children are involved , surely it's so complicated working out who pays for what. Our money all goes in together and we buy what we need out of it. You need to sit down and have a big talk about how you move forward from this good luck

I don't know the full details of your outgoings but your dp earns an above average wage (and much more than many families on joint incomes). I just wonder why he is struggling to cover monthly expenses? As another poster mentioned what happened to the money from his house sale? I work part time so my income is significantly reduced since having dd - we have a joint account for all bills, food etc. but still have our own accounts. I put less into the joint account each month and dh tops it up if needed. We don't really argue about money but I still earn a good wage so it's not an issue at present. You need to sit down with or without the support of the counsellor to thrash this out.

Show him this thread. You have been very honest about your own weaknesses, and very fair about his strengths, but tthe reality is you are oaying your way by being thr at home parent and he is being very unreasonable. T think you have a never ending magical mney pot, when you, are not earning.

Goodness. OP I really feel for you. It sounds like your partner is being really controlling. I know every household has different attitudes to money but in our house everything is pooled. Their is no "his money" and "my money". This has been the case right from the beginning of our relationship where I have been earning a lot of money and my husband earning very little for years while he established his career. We don't have children yet (I am expecting at the moment) but the way we've lived has? I think, set us up with a good foundation for sharing costs and responsibilities in future, as we've long had a recognition that monetary contribution is not the only way to contribute to the household.

All this isn't meant to boast, but to show you how far removed your situation is and how it is not at all unreasonable for you to want to do something about it. The part about you feeling shaky and sick really brought home to me how you must be feeling. Something has to change, for the sake of you and your child. I take the point that he wont leave uou destitute or the child without nappies or food but who wants to live like that, completely in the grip of how much money someone else is/isnt prepared to give them? I also note that your partner is entirely happy for you to spend your savings on big ticket items for the home such as house repairs without splitting that cost 50/50!

You are already getting relationship counselling; is there a financial aspect to that as well, or something that you can find for you to go to? This might help, although it does seem to me that this is about more than money; the talk of splitting child care 50/50 where you're not in the position to bring in income yet doesn't suggest an attitude of seeing your relationship/childrearing as a truly shared endeavour.

Would the £200,000 not pay a significant chunk off the mortgage and reduce your outgoings ? Has that happened if not why not ?

OP

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

I can't belive that your partner has let you get through your entire life savings to make you support yourself being a SAHP. That is crazy, I mean surely £45k would have been so much better saved and then used towards you and your DC's future i.e. bigger house, uni fee's etc.

From what you have said it seems like with his salary and rent from his flat he would have easily had more than enough to support you both (unless you have some huge outgoings that we don't know about).

I am in a similar position to you in that I am a SAHM. My husband is on around £50k (+ good company pension) and I get about £500 a month from rent on a property I own. The way we do it is that we have a joint account that my husband puts £1500 into a month which covers all bills, shopping, days out etc. My £500 is mine and I use it to spend on things for me or save it. He keeps the rest of his salary to spend on him or save. Obviously if the joint account doesn't have enough in it then he will put in a bit more or I will.

There is no way that I would be expected to pay in for bills etc. He was totally out of order expecting you to pay in 40/60 whilst he was working and you were looking after his child.

If I was you I would just stop paying the bills etc and tell him that you don't have the money to do it. I would also stop buying food and when he asks what is for dinner say there isn't any as you can't afford it. When he asks why there is no money say that you are "offsetting" your rental income against the £45k you have paid to look after his child.

Please don't let him treat you like this. You are worth a lot more.

Oh I feel sorry for you :(

This is one of the reasons why we combined finances... so it's all OURS, and not HIS or MINE, when we got married, eons ago. We have both had times of bringing in less/more, and this way, it's far easier. I could not be in a marriage where finances were his/mine. Don't understand this thinking at all.

If you aren't working, you cannot pay... end of! You're still contributing by doing most (I bet!) of the housework, being a mum etc. This has far more value than MONEY.

You keep referring to him as a 'partner'.. I don't see any 'partnership' happening here, sorry :(

You poor thing That's awful! You need to talk to him and soon... I curently contribute £400 a month maternity pay to our out goings, DP pays the rest, when my money ends DP will pay everything, there is no way I will use savings (I would in an emergency, day to day life shouldn't be one). He should never have carried on saving all the time when you were spending your own life savings to help with everyday costs, thats just bisare .