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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do whole families go to parties where only one of their children is invited?

124 replies

BlueCanary · 30/09/2012 19:20

I understand that if you are a single parent or your DP is otherwise engaged/working, and if you have no family nearby, you may need to take all your children to a party which only one of them has been invited to. I have had to do this a number of times, although I make an effort to make alternative arrangements if possible, especially if the party is being held in someone's house/small venue.

But why do whole families (Mum, Dad, and all children) go to parties together, when obviously only one sibling has been invited? Presumably (BF babies apart) one parent could stay at home with the uninvited siblings, whilst other parent takes the invited DC??

I just don't get it. Its totally inappropriate and selfish for parties at peoples (small) houses, and also really odd when older siblings come along to parties completely unsuitable for their age (I'm thinking of soft-play parties where both parents have come and dragged along pre-teen DCs!!). I can see the point of taking age-appropriate siblings to soft play parties (paid for spearately), with DP to help out, but the rest of the time its bonkers IMO.

OP posts:

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 22:24

OptimisticPessimist - we're the same with public transport sometimes it just not worth going elsewhere - plus my eldest at 7 is only just happy to be left which is actually about the age most parents leave round here.

I've none hosting parents to be bit shocked at children younger than this being left or expected to be left.

surroundedbyblondes · 30/09/2012 22:25

Drop and run has been the norm since DD1 was invited to parties. Here kids parties start round age 4 (prior to that it's just a family thing). DD1 was young in her group at pre-school and we were new to the area so DH stayed for the first one she was invited too then we noticed other parents didn't stay. I alesys ask host parent in advance if that's ok and make sure they have my number, but DD is more than happy to be by herself.
Surely if you're going to be staying and have another sibling in tow you ask or at the very least inform the host in advance?? I'd hate to not have enough if there were extra unexpected guests.

Eggrules · 30/09/2012 22:25

I understand an extra sibling (or two). I've also offered to take another child.

Most of the parties we have been to, one parent stays. I think people are trying to host somewhere different and parties are getting further away - often needing a short motorway trip and it just isn't worth going home. Looking forward to reading my kindle though.

RSVP are hit and miss here. I think if you are taking a sibling you should RSVP and mention this. Turning up on the day with an excited sibling is not on imho.

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 22:25

I meant known not none .

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 22:30

It just wouldn't occur to me to take the DC if they hadn't been invited.

If i really couldn't find a way round which actually hasn't happened yet despite DH working away- I'd automatically approach the host offering to pay or asking to leave the invited DC or check that hanging round in background was o.k.

When we hosted and its happened neither parents has approached us before or even at the parties - they just brought the extra DC.

cantpickaname · 30/09/2012 22:30

Eggrules: she stayed and (sort of) supervised them both but she basically wanted a free party for the younger one. I now know the younger one as she comes to every party with the older sibling and as I said I felt a bit sorry for her as, at 4, she didn't know what was going on, could just see all of the other kids getting ready to bowl.

However my stubborn side did kick in and I was damned if I was paying for it!

MammaTJisWearingGold · 30/09/2012 22:33

I don't understand why some mums, I am thinking of one in particular, take all their children and stay. They could take the invited child and drop them off, then return later to collect them.

Viviennemary · 30/09/2012 22:39

I've never had this happen without somebody asking. If you are not invited to a party you don't just turn up. Can't believe people have problems with this.

crackcrackcrak · 30/09/2012 22:41

Hmmm. At the moment our oldest kids are 3 but most of us have a baby in arms too. We (the parents) are all really close so we all go to each other's dc parties - it's a social occasion for us too! Butvthats within a close knit group and a bit different I think.

When dd is old enough to go on her own I will just drop and collect her - I will need the break/time with dd2. I'm a single parent anyway.

That said I went to a 4 year olds birthday lately where there were odd older siblings - they were a godsend at helping the little ones out of the ball pool etc (was at soft play) - they earned their birthday cake!

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 22:44

yup the older siblings were great at ours too, got the little ones up and dancing etc

Teamumizumi · 30/09/2012 22:47

To my DS's 4th birthday party, one mum brought her daughter (18 months old), DH AND her own parents!! Why? I'm not that rich/famous/beautiful...

Floggingmolly · 30/09/2012 22:54

Teamumizumi. Standing at the door demanding a £5 per person entry fee should nip that nonsense in the bud...
You'd have to wonder at some people; are they just cheeky or spectacularly dense?

Sokmonsta · 30/09/2012 22:59

I've had to take Ds to parties dd was invited too when dh has been working. Now we've the twins too I'd decline the invite if I can't get a sitter and let the host know why. It's then down to them whether they suggest the babies come too. That said, dd is now 4 and at school so I'd possibly ask whether it would be ok to just leave her there. Certainly at 'home' parties anyway. Soft play extras generally aren't going to get in the way. But I'd always ask first , pay the extras way there and wouldn't expect food/party bag. That's just rude.

We also do the family shopping trip if needed at the weekend. Its easier than me doing it on my own with 3 kids when any trolley only holds two. Weekends are the only time we spend all together. So my husband and I, plus two babies, toddler and 4yo would possibly piss people off. But IMO, nowhere near as much as Betty and June having a catch-up in the middle of the aisle. At least I'm aiming for in, round and out with that many kids.

Teamumizumi · 30/09/2012 23:29

Fmolly - some people are just too up themselves to care. At DS's 5th birthday she was rude to my DH but I got revenge as I saw that she'd dripped chocolate down her new Mulberry scarf and I didn't tell her! Don't even know where she got the chocolate from (party was at my house). She must have been secretly shoving it in her gob and it dribbled down? Ha!

Floggingmolly · 30/09/2012 23:33

You invited her back? . Try laxative chocolate next time!

Teamumizumi · 30/09/2012 23:46

The boys are friends..... Sadly.

halcyondays · 01/10/2012 10:26

Pre-teens still like soft play unless it's one of those really small ones that are only for young kids. I'm not sure why it would be a problem at a public place, it's more odd if it's someone's house as space could be an issue.

Eggrules · 01/10/2012 16:47

cantpickaname well done to you for speaking up and ensuring she paid for her extra (uninvited) sibling. Not the fault of the 4yo; her parents have very bad manners.

We had a party in a hall and the entertainment charged per child. There was also a capacity issue with regard to total numbers and we did not cater for entire families to attend. It isn't just at soft play that additional adults and children could cause a problem.

crackcrackcrak With family friends I think you would know in advance how many would attend. In our group of friends we would expect the whole family to attend and maybe even come back to the house for a bit afterwards. I can't wait to drop and run. Otherwise I agree with BlueCanary; if there are two parents, one can attend or drop off and the other can be with the sibling(s).

gazzalw · 01/10/2012 16:52

It's one thing for all the family to turn up if it's a friend's child's party but not just because it's a free way to entertain other children....

There is a little girl in DD's class and her big sister (who is now in Year 6) often turns up with her Mum just at the time when the food is being dished up....you can't really exclude them but particularly if you are having a party in another venue these 'extras' all add up.

Party invitations should be clear really. And really once the children get to five or six they shouldn't need their parents hovering over them at parties anyway....

It's all getting a bit out of control

GrumbleAndGold · 01/10/2012 17:59

If its at a soft play type place and i can't get a sitter, i will happily pay for my younger dc to get in and feed them myself whilst watching my 4yr old and chatting to other mums.

I would never expect the host to pay for my other dc or provide party bags for them.

I don't like taking the uninvited siblings as it is not their friend and not their party so its not fair on the birthday child or the invited dc.
I don't want my child to not be invited because the parents think i will turn up with the whole family!

Alligatorpie · 01/10/2012 18:28

I long for drop and run parties. We moved overseas when dd1 was 5, just at the age we could do it. Now, we live in a place where the whole family goes ( ok, I make dh come to some of them because 1- I can't handle them all by myself and 2- the culture means he never has to go by himself...it is very much a mom job) 3- they are long, usually five hours or more.
Dd1 has been invited to 2 parties this weekend...

EdMcDunnough · 01/10/2012 18:32

I would do it if I was helping out - did recently, but we left at bedtime, it was a sleepover, I took my little one home.

There was another party for 10yo kids where one of the families turned up to the same venue and stayed, they said it was because it was a long time to hang around in a different town, waiting for their child, and tbh I understood this - however I'd have found somewhere else to go, in fact I did go somewhere else with my other child for a couple of hours - not stayed in the same place as the party, as the other children are much smaller and got in the way (apparently).

Some families are just odd.

EdMcDunnough · 01/10/2012 18:33

Oh and I have had several younger siblings turn up to one we hosted at home - it was Ok, I made them party bags and said they could come.

They behaved far better than their older brothers!

Crinkle77 · 01/10/2012 18:39

I do find it a bit odd. When I was a kid your parents would drop you off at the party then go. But in those days no one had fancy parties at soft play centres etc... You went to their house and played pas the parcel, musical statues etc...

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