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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do whole families go to parties where only one of their children is invited?

124 replies

BlueCanary · 30/09/2012 19:20

I understand that if you are a single parent or your DP is otherwise engaged/working, and if you have no family nearby, you may need to take all your children to a party which only one of them has been invited to. I have had to do this a number of times, although I make an effort to make alternative arrangements if possible, especially if the party is being held in someone's house/small venue.

But why do whole families (Mum, Dad, and all children) go to parties together, when obviously only one sibling has been invited? Presumably (BF babies apart) one parent could stay at home with the uninvited siblings, whilst other parent takes the invited DC??

I just don't get it. Its totally inappropriate and selfish for parties at peoples (small) houses, and also really odd when older siblings come along to parties completely unsuitable for their age (I'm thinking of soft-play parties where both parents have come and dragged along pre-teen DCs!!). I can see the point of taking age-appropriate siblings to soft play parties (paid for spearately), with DP to help out, but the rest of the time its bonkers IMO.

OP posts:

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 21:18

AllPastYears you're a better person than me if you woudn't mind being responsible for a room full of 2YOs who were dumped at the door!

I espect parents to stay a little past one TBH, even though my DS wouldn't miss me at all and barely gives us a glance at parties, I think its unfair on the hosts to leave pre-schoolers and sod off

Ragwort · 30/09/2012 21:23

I hadn't realised that parents were meant to stay for pre-school parties, I happily left my 3 year old at his first party, I think some of the other parents were a little shocked, but he was very happy & confident, hadn't dawned on me that I should have stayed .

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 21:27

its not about how happy your child is to stay Ragwort, mine would be absolutely fine, always happy to go off to nursery or creche or babysitter etc.

Its about how happy the hosts are to be responsible for pre-schoolers!

halloweeneyqueeney · 30/09/2012 21:30

I would say it's probably worse to leave a toddler/preschooler without asking if the hosts are happy with that than it is to turn up with an extra child that you are staying to watch?

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 21:40

Both parents and in none -invited DC in toe - seen that happen a lot and had it happen few times to us.

Struck me as odd - but when its happened to us we've made the other DC welcome.

Having said that people may assume that's what we've done - when we've both gone and all three DC. We've not but all three have been invited by some people as they've know younger DC since babies or other have been invited last minute.

AllPastYears · 30/09/2012 21:42

OK, I was being flippant about the 1-year-olds. But for hosting youngish children I used to make sure 1 or 2 good friends would be staying to lend a hand.

Incidentally, we never had any "extra" children left at parties, and I didn't see any at parties we went to either. Seems to happen a lot on MN though.

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 21:45

I'm in an area that a lot don't get 'rsvp' - so maybe its just an extension of that ?

Inneedofbrandy · 30/09/2012 21:46

I think from YR 1 it's fine to leave, although if you like the other parents ( unheard of on MN) it shouldn't be a problem for one parent to stay and have a coffee and natter! It's the whole family turning up uninvited that's the problem.

I would not like to be left in charge of any child at a party not school age.

charlottehere · 30/09/2012 21:47

I can understand at soft play, just pay for the other sibs and get them a meal there. But not at someones house.

mum11970 · 30/09/2012 21:49

We've done the, half the family at a&e, once before. Dss broke his elbow playing football so I had to take ds2 (7) and dd (11) with us. Phoned dh to come and do swap over when he finished squas, as dss would need a lift home but ended up all of us sitting there for an hour because the younger ones wanted to see him get a plaster, did manage to persuade them to leave with me eventually as it was busy and we'd be there for hours. Don't see a prob with one parent staying at a party though, ds2 had a party today in a local play centre, he is 7 but wanted me to stay as he'd not been there before, there was about 4 of us who stayed as it wasn't worth going 5 mile home again and we had no shopping to do on a Sunday morning.

goldenlula · 30/09/2012 21:51

Ds1 is 6 and I have just started leaving him at parties at people's houses, if ge party I in a hall I try to make alternative arrangements for ds2 and dd or will leave ds1. In a soft ply place I tend to take the other two and pay or them to play, then they can eat while ds1 goes off with the party. Yesterday ds1 was invited to a part in a whole but we all went along as we are friends with the parents, so dh watched ds2 and dd, while also acting as doorman to ensure no child escaped and I busied myself in the kitchen helping make drinks and sort the food and doing the glo stick bracelets. This is different to the situations in the op though, as we are very friendly with the host family (holidayed together ect).

EnglishGirlApproximately · 30/09/2012 21:51

sparkling I'm with you. I was in Sainsburys doing my shop yesterday and there was family of 6 who went in at the same time as us. I got stuck behind them in every aisle. At one point all of them were looking at potatoes, with about 8 other people waiting to get to them. How can it possibly take 6 people to choose potatoes?

Eggrules · 30/09/2012 21:51

If there are two parents and two children I cannot fathom why the entire family stays unless this has been arranged/agreed beforehand. I would never leave an uninvited toddler/preschooler at a party. You don't both need to stay with the extra child.

DigestivesWithPhiladelphia I am not surprised. The only family groups I expected are close friends. The last birthday party we hosted we had lots of extra siblings and entire families and it is strange. Throughout the year the same families turn up en masse. They sit miles away from their loved ones and might as well not be there.

I admit that I don't understand a nominated 'family time' concept. DH and I have no support network, work opposite shifts and generally tag team. We still manage to find time to be together without gatecrashing children's parties.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 30/09/2012 21:58

I dropped and ran 5yo DS recently and I felt really bad and unusual!! Drop and runs are not the norm here it seems- DS has only been to one other where I did this and that was at his friend's round the corner, whose mum is a friend of mine anyway, so not the same thing.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 30/09/2012 21:59

I love shopping with the children but can't bear it with DH, sighing and looking at his watch. Bt tbh if we go shopping as a family we usually end up splitting up and going off to get different stuff done.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2012 22:02

RE: Whole family supermarket trips - the only time I really don't understand it is when it's past 8pm. Surely one could stay at home with the children in bed?

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 22:02

YANBU at all, it's quite selfish IMHO, especially if it's at somebodies house, the cannot have x amount of families there. Also at places that have to be paid for per child, host feels awkward she/he has to pay for extra children. Someone on here suggested writing on invites, that te party is for the invited child only.

cantpickaname · 30/09/2012 22:05

Ooooh, so glad to see this topic, was going to start a thread myself!

Had my daughters 7th birthday party today (one of those bowling, food, drinks things) and when I met all the parents in the lobby one of the mums turned up and said, in front of everyone, "Well I have xxx (not invited, 4 yr old sibling) can they play too?" My hubby was nodding but I just said "No, sorry all paid for" Every class party we go to she does the same, usually a bit of bouncing around on soft play and a bit of buffet makes no difference and it's not the kids fault so we let them join in but this was paid per head.

She looked all pensive so eventually I said," you pay and xxx can join one of our teams."I then gave sibling a chocolate 'medal' at the end and a party bag, AND the cheeky fecker hadn't even brought a present, just a card from both the kids, the invited one and the uninvited one. I was RAGING. Drop off invited child and come back later, I am NOT a free activity morning. Again

smugmumofboys · 30/09/2012 22:05

One of the mums from DS2's class (yr 4) has form for this. She has two younger children and they always turn up to any party her DS1 is invited to.

Her reason is allegedly that she doesn't think it's fair for the younger ones to miss out.

She has a DH who doesn't work away from home.

Eggrules · 30/09/2012 22:14

cantpickaname did she leave both DC?

There is a mum at my DS's school with form for this. She doesn't think it fair that both siblings aren't invited and always brings the other. I have 4 siblings (including a twin) and never attended a party I wasn't invited to.

Floggingmolly · 30/09/2012 22:18

She doesn't think it's fair on the younger ones to miss out!
Do people really continue to invite loons like this? She wouldn't get a second invitation from me.

OptimisticPessimist · 30/09/2012 22:19

"I understand that if you are a single parent or your DP is otherwise engaged/working, and if you have no family nearby, you may need to take all your children to a party which only one of them has been invited to. "

Why? Unless the child who has been invited is 1 year old, why can't you just leave them there alone and take your other children somewhere else?

I rely on public transport, so there's been a couple of occasions where I've stayed at the party with the other two because it was in an area with nothing else to do and the journey back home and then back to collect would have taken longer than the time of the party iyswim. I try and avoid it where possible - there was another occasion when I actually turned down an invite because of not having childcare for the others (that one was in their house and at the time DS2 was too little to leave), the dad immediately invited my other two to come along too which I thought was really kind of him and they made sure they were made just as welcome. Other times mums have offered to take the invited child along in their car and I've stayed at home with the others which again I find a really nice thing to do because otherwise they'd probably miss out on a lot of parties.

smugmumofboys · 30/09/2012 22:21

Mercifully, DS2 isn't friends with her son so I've never had to tackle her personally. I am always at the sheer brass neck of the woman.

CassandraApprentice · 30/09/2012 22:21

I get why one parent might stay - transport and time or child's personality and I can see with just one DC both parents might stop - they might be going on else where afterwards.

I can understand a family be at location but off from the party.

It's when it's clearly not necessary for the extra DC to be there and especially without any prior agreement but the uninvited DC is then joining in the party. That does strike me as very odd and awkward when you pay per head.

MsVestibule · 30/09/2012 22:23

I'm amazed at the cheek of some people! Fully understand that if you can't leave your other DC with anybody, you could always ask if you can bring them but I would always offer to pay and bring a good present.

Regarding two parents/one child at a party - my friend always went to parties with her DH. She couldn't bear to do them by herself, but I actually quite enjoy having a chat with the other parents! Although one woman I sat next to had an iPod and headphones - that told me loud and clear what she thought of us .

I would like to point out that she had her headphones on before I sat next to her, not after I'd started talking.

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