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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to trade DH in for a better model?

35 replies

Louboo2245 · 29/09/2012 19:29

We've been together 5 years, 2 of which we've been married.
Had our first DC 9 months ago and I have a DS from a previous relationship (8 years) And things just seem to be pissing me off at the minute.

He tries, I know he tries but never seems to live up to my expectations. I'm just wondering if they are too high.

For instance he had his day off this week while I was at work, DD was at childminders and DS was at school, so house to himself. I asked him to do 3 things. 1 to put everyones washing away (roughly 3 loads of it), 2, Stack the dishwasher and 3. lower DD cot base as she is rolling over and jamming herself under her cot toys and waking up.

I get home, dishwasher stacked and finished but not emptied, washing in the right bedrooms but not away and DD cot not even been attempted. He says it was because he had to take the dog to the vet at 2:10.

Now I know he had to do the school run for DS aswell, but he gets home at 9 after dropping him, and didn't have to set off with the dog until half past 1, which gave him more than 4 hours to do this stuff and enjoy the xbox. Yet I come home and do his jobs aswell as sorting the rest of the household out.

I go to friends houses and their husbands are so whipped well trained.

Feeling rubbish in myself too, not attractive, not appreciated. even said I would like a surprise date night out where I don't have to arrange everything, that was 5 months ago and it's not happened.

Where am I going wrong and how do I get an upgrade?

OP posts:
MyLastDuchess · 29/09/2012 19:39

Yet I come home and do his jobs aswell as sorting the rest of the household out.

That's where you're going wrong! If my partner doesn't finish his jobs and doesn't ask me to finish them, they sit there until he does them. There is no magic housework fairy who comes and empties the dishwasher or puts the washing away.

(If he asks me, then of course I do it ... he never asks though.)

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 29/09/2012 19:41

I could wait months! I have tried that approach. I was promised that the bathroom would be finished by last christmas, yet I am still waiting for tiling and painting!

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 29/09/2012 20:37

Lower your expectations to zero, then you'll be fine. Otherwise, leave... Hth

Joiningthegang · 29/09/2012 21:30

I second manage your expectations

Nuttyprofessor · 29/09/2012 21:33

My DH does what he should but I have been married 28 years, that is about enough training.

MoreBeta · 29/09/2012 21:36

Hire a cleaner?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 29/09/2012 21:41

Lower your expectations

Men don't take hints-they need direct instructions

You know what he's like and people rarely change much

And if its a rare day of the house to himself I don't blame him taking it easy-I would

I'm sure it wasn't done to disappoint you, he did most of what you asked-to a fashion

Nagoo · 29/09/2012 22:02

yes, hints don't work. Tell him to do it.

he's not doing things to piss you off.

I saw a thing 'when a man says he's going to do something, he will.... there's no need to remind him every six months.'

Just be direct about what you want. It's not the moon on a stick. Just tell him that he needs to do the jobs. Don;t be a martyr to it. If he's sat on his arse and there are things to do, offer him one of two jobs to do. You should both get the same down time.

I know you wish he would think for himself and do what you want before you tell him, but remember that it is your agenda, not his.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 09:11

To lower my expectations, would be to have none! I am direct in what I want. hence 'even said I would like a surprise date night out where I don't have to arrange everything,' It doesn't matter how direct I am it just doesn't happen.

He has Mon Tues off this week and has just said make me a list of jobs you want doing and I said no as you never do them and just do your own thing and it pisses me off! and the reply was ok then!! Grrrrr

OP posts:
WineGoggles · 30/09/2012 09:51

YANBU. I wonder if a direct "I want you to look around the house, use your initiative, and do the jobs that need doing" would work Hmm. I doubt it Angry. I'm finding it quite depressing that it's us women that supposedly have to spell everything out in very clear terms before anything is done. It seems even the nice men have to be asked to do stuff, rather than engage their brains and get on with it. The more I read about this stuff the more content I am living alone!

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 30/09/2012 10:07

But he just offered to work through a list of jobs for you on his days off and you spat your dummy out and didn't take up the offer!

There's no pleasing you.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 10:35

I admit I have spat my dummy out a bit, but I leave him 3 jobs, just 3 and he doesn't do them, or doesn't finish them! So when I come home I'm pissed off I have to start and doing not only what I need to do, but also the stuff he hasn't and this isn't a one off. It happens regularly, so I am working on the premise that if I ask him to do nothing, anything he does do is a nice surprise.

Sick of feeling I'm swimming against the tide and sick of being crappy with him cos he can't follow instructions!

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 30/09/2012 10:43

Maybe tell him you would like him to do more round the house on a daily basis.

As in, he has specific jobs to do and only he does them. My dh jobs are keeping the bathroom clean, emptying the bins, taking out the bins on bin day, bathing the boys, putting his clothes away and he cooks us a nice meal on a sat night for us.

If you're both working and have 2 kids then you need to discuss and decide what's fair for both of you.

Otherwise you'll end up angry at what he does/doesn't do with his free time and he won't understand what the problem is.

Hope you sort something.

Sallyingforth · 30/09/2012 12:16

"We've been together 5 years, 2 of which we've been married."

Didn't he 'piss you off' during the first 3 years? Surely you would have resolved issues like this before deciding to get married. Or have your expectations increased?

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 12:41

I think what has highlighted things is that we now have a baby which brings more 'stuff'
True I had DS, but he was 3 when DH met me so never had to go through the early stages and there's now 2 of them.
We've also just bought a house which needs a lot doing to it and it never seems to get done, I know this is down to both of us, but things just don't seem to be moving.

OP posts:
TuesdayNightClub · 30/09/2012 12:51

YANBU op. I am in the same conundrum. I don't particularly want to lower my expectations. As it is I feel they are quite low! And in any event I try my utmost to live up to his and my own expectations of myself - why shouldn't he do the same?

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 13:32

Am tired of trying. What really galls me is when I visit friends or even my sister, their husbands seem to pull their weight, they may not be perfect, but can at least do as they're told!

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 30/09/2012 14:02

Doing as you're told is not 'pulling their weight'. It's being ordered around in your own house

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 14:10

What do you suggest to sort this out then?

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 30/09/2012 14:20

I am with winegoggles on this

Why is it men have to be directed to do things that women just get on and do because we need to eat , wear clean clothes etc and if he cant do what he is asked then the woman should adjust her expectations downwards ?

I suppose lots of women , for all kinds of reasons, are willing to accept this . Thankfully I am no longer among them Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 30/09/2012 14:23

I say you ought to raise your expectations. The less you expect him to do, the less he will actually do.

Your mistake was in coming home and doing his jobs in addition to your own - you should have told him to do the baby's cot and while he's upstairs, to finish putting the laundry away. At the moment he is taking a view that it doesn't matter if he sits on his arse all day, because you'll come and pick up the slack.

I say, write him the list of what needs doing and chase him up, if he doesn't do it. These things are his responsibility as much as yours and he shouldn't be allowed to behave as if they are not!

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 30/09/2012 14:25

If I'm going to do that Karma I need to find my fight again. Have completely lost it.
In the mindset of I need him to do something, just one thing without being told.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 30/09/2012 14:33

I agree with your solution karma but it all smacks of the interminable conversations I have with my 2 teen DC about doing jobs at home

XH was very domesticated and if he saw the dishwasher was full and clean would empty it just as I did

Watching friends and reading on MN its just so depressing the way the majority of women seem to have an endless battle on their hands to get help or they accept they wont get it and put up with it to avoid rows etc

A very close friend of mine who never ever bad mouths her DP told me recently she was dreading it but was going to need a chat with him about lifting a finger because she is at breaking point with trying to work FT and do absolutely everything at home. I got an email yesterday saying things at home had been a bit rocky but are okish now. So reading between the lines shes had a batttle on her hands over this.

I am single and for these kinds of reasons am likely to remain so , its the only subject that makes me recall xh with any affection !!

fedupofnamechanging · 30/09/2012 14:37

Well I think he might get there eventually, but you have to 'train' him first. I hate saying that, because people are not like dogs and I'm not comfortable with the idea that it is acceptable for partners to behave and get treated like children and told what to do. They are our equals and ought to see what needs doing and just get on with it. Actually, I think your dh does see it, but just cba because he knows you'll do it.

Since you appear to be married to a lazy bugger, the hard thing will be forcing yourself not to pick up after him and to make him do it. This might have the effect of annoying you even further, because you shouldn't have to do it, but otoh, he might eventually get to know what's expected and learn to get on with it.

It is a fundamental issue of respect. Failing to pull your weight is a way of saying that he is more important and therefore doesn't have to make an effort.

Some very frank discussions might need to be had, because this is a big deal for you and he needs to 'get' that.

gettingeasier · 30/09/2012 14:38

Sorry OP I havent replied have I !

Well I dont think there are many upgrades out there , although you say your friends dont have this problem ?

I honestly dont know the answer other than to accept getting help at home is going to involve direction and nagging and make peace with that fact

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