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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friends: favours and paid favours

61 replies

TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:20

I really don't know if IABU. DP thinks I am.
DP started a new job 3 weeks ago in another town about 20 miles away. He can get there by public transport but obviously at a cost.
He has arranged instead to get a lift from our good friend who works very close to DP's workplace. This is brilliant - saves time and money.
DP offered to pay towards petrol and friend said "Oh we'll sort something out". DP said to friend again this week that he wants to give him something towards petrol and friend said "Well me and wife talked about it and we think £5 a day would be about right. I reckon petrol costs me about £10/day".
Fair enough you might think.

But - they have a 3 year old DD who for the last 2 1/2 years I have regularly collected from nursery for them (nursery is at end of our street) and then kept for an hour or 2 until they collect her. Not often, but about 5 or 6 times a month. I really don't mind doing this as they are our friends and I am happy to do them a favour. But I have, on occasion, put myself out - cancelled plans, finished work early - when they have asked me at short notice. Again, I've never minded.
But now I feel they are taking the piss a bit by not acknowledging the friendly favours we have done for them. I think they should be asking for a token amount - maybe £2 or £3 a day from my DP. Friend is going there anyway. DP could get there by bus for £6.
DP says the two are not related and he's happy to pay.

To be honest I am a wimp and won't do/say anything anyway but it might help me to stop feeling so annoyed with our friends if you confirm that I am indeed BU.

OP posts:
FreddieMercurysBolero · 27/09/2012 23:23

I would say YABU, he shouldn't have offered to pay if he didn't want to.

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2012 23:23

You're helping them out 5/6 times a month. Friend will be driving your DP to and from work 20 days a month, roughly - 40 journeys. YABU, sorry.

parakeet · 27/09/2012 23:27

I'm sorry I cannot be of help here because I think....YANBU

I actually think childcare is more valuable than lifts because your husband's friend is not really being put out at all, and by the sounds of it, re the childcare, you are.

Where I live childcare costs £6 an hour. five times a month for two hours works out as £60 a month.

If you are too wimpy to say something though, not sure what to suggest. Maybe tell your friend you're planning to register as a childminder and so regretfully you'll have to start charging her?

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:29

Yeah I suspected I maybe was. Thanks.
Fekkin commuting expenses are shitty shit.

OP posts:
internationalvulva · 27/09/2012 23:30

Perhaps it is simply a question of money for them, let's face it, who couldn't do with the extra these days? I think it was actually very disingenuous of you to offer to contribute, twice, if you didn't want to. If you do someone a favour (ESP a friend) it doesn't mean they owe you one back.

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:30

Haha thanks Parakeet - but I work full time. I do shifts so finish earlier than friend so on the days she is stuck late at work I am usually home.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:31

internationalvulva we offered to contribute thinking it would be 'mates rates' not a 50/50 split.

OP posts:
larks35 · 27/09/2012 23:32

YABU your DP offered and then re-offered and your friend worked it out as a fair car-share deal.

This is totally seperate from what you do for them re childcare. If you feel you should be paid then tell them. FWIW, I would never expect free lifts or free childcare. I do get a lift to work and pay for it, I do use both formal and informal childcare and pay for it. I think it is only fair.

Corygal · 27/09/2012 23:34

I think you've got a point.

But now your DH has fixed a figure to pay for his commute, and given you've never mentioned charging your friend for all the childcare, you'll be hard pressed to make the point without sounding backtracky and awkward.

Cheer up, DH is still saving 20 quid a month. And no, you really don't ever have to put yourself out ever again for these friends and their kids.

larks35 · 27/09/2012 23:36

I think you should mention childcare costs at a "mate's rate" of say £3ph, why not?

trixymalixy · 27/09/2012 23:36

I can understand where you are coming from, but petrol is ridiculously expensive. The favour you do for them doesn't put you out of pocket. So YAB a bit U. I would expect like to be repaid with like, so them doing some childcare for you, not paying for your DP's commute.

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:37

trixymalixy - they are not put out of pocket either. Friend drives past DP's workplace anyway.

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 27/09/2012 23:39

If your DP took the bus, would it be 6 pounds per day, or per journey?

pongysticks · 27/09/2012 23:40

I think maybe, just maybe could your DH say do you mind if we call it £4!!

BeeWi · 27/09/2012 23:41

To be honest, I think YANBentirelyU. I'd have expected mates rates too. If it makes you feel any better, at least your DH won't have to wait in cold, miserable bus stops in the winter. You can also consider that at least your DH won't be incurring the other vehicle costs, like MOT, tax, servicing etc. might take the edge off the feeling they're taking the piss a bit?

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:41

Zacheryquack - per day, if he bought a monthly ticket. But he would have a walk at either end so he really does benefit from the lift - part of the reason why i know IABU.

OP posts:
Gingerodgers · 27/09/2012 23:43

I suppose you just like to think every balances out in the end, but it doesn't. I would be a bit pissed off I suppose, but let this go, don't fall out over it, because let's face it, it might not be much cheaper, but a hhelluva lot more convenient. Because dp is paying, it shows commitment, eg not able to do this day, that day etc.

HeathRobinson · 27/09/2012 23:44

Hmm, I think they are taking the piss a bit. Perhaps don't put yourself out so much re the childcare?

cumfy · 27/09/2012 23:44

Well me and wife talked about it Hmm
Is he still in shorts, then ?

Total petrol costs for 40 miles would be under £5.
Either he's trying to hint that he doesn't really want to give the lift or they're nuts/taking the piss.

I'd ask them what the problem really is.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/09/2012 23:44

I don't know about the BU/NBU but the friend has got the wear and tear of his car to take into account. OK he's already paying £10 in petrol whether he gives your DH a lift or not. So £5 petrol money a day will help him out.

But WRT the picking up their DD. You can't put a money value on that (unless you are a CM) .That should be on a favour for favour basis really. Does she do anything for you when you pick up her daughter?
It'll only be a year or so till their DD starts school. (Unless they plan to ask you to pick her up from school as well)

maddening · 27/09/2012 23:45

When you're giving a lift regularly you are inconvenienced by the fact you are tied to this person- you can't work late and can be made late by the other person and have little flexibility re doing something after work etc without considering the other person.

He also has insurance, tax and running the car as costs as well as petrol.

It also saves time and £5 per week in fares

onedev · 27/09/2012 23:45

I'd offer £2-£3 max per day & leave it with them to say they want more. Grin

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:45

Thank you all. You're right of course that DP is definitely better off. I wouldn't fall out over it and I wouldn't stop collecting their DD. But I will feel a bit strange when he arrives to collect her from me and drops off paying DP at the same time!

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 27/09/2012 23:46

I don't think you can say 'well given that I've looked after your kid for the past 2 and a half years lets call it quits / £2 / whatever'

How about next time they ask you to look after their dd you say 'yes, no worries, how about a swap the childcare for 1 lift for my dh?'

Original poster
TheRealAmyFarrahFowler · 27/09/2012 23:51

To answer a few:
cumfy I was paraphrasing - I meant he had discussed it with his wife. They are nice. But yeah I think his costings are a bit Hmm they drive a fairly big people carrier but still - £10 a day for 40 miles seems a lot.
70isalimit - no, they don't really but I've never expected anything. We also babysit for them sometimes as a favour.
maddening - friend isn't tied - 4 times so far he has let DP know he is working late/ starting late etc and DP ahs got bus.

OP posts:
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