friends: favours and paid favours

[TheRealAmyFarrahFowler]

I really don't know if IABU. DP thinks I am.
DP started a new job 3 weeks ago in another town about 20 miles away. He can get there by public transport but obviously at a cost.
He has arranged instead to get a lift from our good friend who works very close to DP's workplace. This is brilliant - saves time and money.
DP offered to pay towards petrol and friend said "Oh we'll sort something out". DP said to friend again this week that he wants to give him something towards petrol and friend said "Well me and wife talked about it and we think £5 a day would be about right. I reckon petrol costs me about £10/day".
Fair enough you might think.

But - they have a 3 year old DD who for the last 2 1/2 years I have regularly collected from nursery for them (nursery is at end of our street) and then kept for an hour or 2 until they collect her. Not often, but about 5 or 6 times a month. I really don't mind doing this as they are our friends and I am happy to do them a favour. But I have, on occasion, put myself out - cancelled plans, finished work early - when they have asked me at short notice. Again, I've never minded.
But now I feel they are taking the piss a bit by not acknowledging the friendly favours we have done for them. I think they should be asking for a token amount - maybe £2 or £3 a day from my DP. Friend is going there anyway. DP could get there by bus for £6.
DP says the two are not related and he's happy to pay.

To be honest I am a wimp and won't do/say anything anyway but it might help me to stop feeling so annoyed with our friends if you confirm that I am indeed BU.

I suppose you could separate the two out. So your dh paying half the petrol (petrol only) and door to door treatment seems fair.
But the fact they seem to take you for granted re childcare is not fair at all. They are getting a very convenient and pleasant solution and 5 or 6 times a month is a lot!

Agree with people who say they are separate issues. I can believe a people carrier doing 40 miles a day would use 10 quid fuel. I would be asking for reciprocal childcare favors.

I think your DP should pay the £5, partially because he was the one that brought it up, and also because I assume his commute will be faster and slightly cheaper if he goes with this friend, even with the £5 charge. This is a don't cut off your nose to spite your face situation.

YANBU to feel annoyed about the free childcare you provide though - if it is going to eat away at you I would simply stop saying you can do it.

I think it is fair to pay half for the petrol.

Childcare- can you ask them for a babysiiting so you and dh have a night out or a babysitting and sleepover when you have to go to a wedding or something. Do you also feed her child, does she contribute to food?

YANBU - your friends sound all take and no give.

I'd be telling them that I'm doing overtime to compensate for the cost of dh's new commute next time they asked me for a childcare favour tbh

Laq - the OP doens't have children

It is 2 separate issues.

Issue 1, the car lift. YABU. Take it as someone who used to commute - taxi, bus, train, bus to work a lift to the door and back is worth it's weight in gold.

Issue 2, the childcare. Stop being so accessible. Don't change your plans to suit them.

They do sound a little bit like takers.

You sound lovely for doing all that free childcare.

The real issue is the amount of free childcare you are doing, did this bother you before? Because now it sounds like it does, and this will niggle away at you. You say you are "freinds" and doing favours for "friends" but how good friends are they really, as they sound as if they take you for granted. was the question of money ever brought up when arranging this? Regardless of what you say you are being inconvenienced.

3 hours a day 6 times a month, thats 18 hours? My DH is a childminder and charges £3.50 an hour so as an example thats £63 a month....and thats if they could get a cm to do that because it would be taking up a space, no doubt they would charge more!

Thanks Infinity. Sorry i 've missed that.

Surprised that so many are saying these are separate issues. They are not.

Simply because petrol is on the face of it easier to cost than childcare does not mean they can't be equated.

eg OP has very conservatively, contributed 100-150 hours childcare over 2+ years.
At £10/hour that is £1000-1500.

It is a testament to OP's good nature that she has done all this without any thought of payment.
Any decent person would take this all very much into consideration when an issue of lifts arise, and not attempt to economically exploit the situation.

No, I completely agree. But they obviously aren't taking the many hours of childcare into account, so neither should the OP. In which case the favours aer extremely one sided and they're taking the p. If it were me I'd be glad to be able to repay some of the OP;s generosity over the years (although, interestingly they could be taking the line that it is the OP they owe, and her DH they are giving lifts to and the two are not linked :o)